Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

215 replies

ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 09:05

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/11/2023 20:45

I am so pleased to hear you mother is coming over. As for ending your marriage, I don't think things are that easy for a married woman with kids. If you had agreed to have a 3rd child with your husband your marriage can't be all bad. Your MIL is unfortunately ruining it for you. She is entitled to her own opinion about your choice of clothes, parenting etc. I just hope she stays with your relatives. Your husband is either the biggest dick or cannot stand up to his mum for cultural reasons, it's difficult to tell. I think you need to put your foot down with your husband about his mum staying with relatives before you end up shouting at her.

2jacqi · 02/11/2023 20:31

@ZeeB68 i think I am correct in thinking that your MIL has invited a whole crowd of people to your house on saturday, am I???? collect the kids from school on friday and go to your mums, let her and your hubby do all the cooking and cleaning on their own! just come back late on sunday for kids bath and bed before school monday. do not answer your phone to them when they phone, because they will phone you!!

2jacqi · 02/11/2023 20:22

@ZeeB68 "As soon as I walked in, no hi, no how are you, no nothing my mother in law just said give me the baby and snatched the car seat off me." so did you take the baby and the baby seat and just leave after her insulting you????? why did you even go if your husband was not there????

PaminaMozart · 02/11/2023 19:15

I agree - you should speak up. Don't let them treat you like dirt.

If he wants to leave me then so be it,but I'm not going to take this anymore.

Can you be proactive and prepare for the likely end of your marriage. What's your financial situation - what needs to happen for you to free yourself?

Daffyyellow · 02/11/2023 18:12

I think you need to be direct with MIL. “I am in the room, you can talk to me . . .” Then add in what you said above about being dressed with makeup etc

Don’t let her brow beat you. No need to keep the peace, she’s a bitch and you’re letting her get away with it.

Original poster
ZeeB68 · 02/11/2023 17:49

Yes I have told him my mum is going to come next week to stay for a few days, just told him and didn't give him the option to even say no. I know I shouldnt have to ask. My mum has said she will take me and baby out for a shopping day next week when she comes so I can get out the house and have a break.

Things for worse today and I'm expecting things to just kick off soon if I'm honest because I can't tolerate it anymore.
Got invited to a relatives house,went to my sister in law's house first to meet them their so I could follow behind my sister in law in the car to the relatives house.
As soon as I walked in, no hi, no how are you, no nothing my mother in law just said give me the baby and snatched the car seat off me.
When I sat down she then went on to look at my sister in law and repeatedly say " what is she wearing , why is she wearing that" ( I am wearing shalwar kameez as I always do,but I didn't wear anything fancy its a simple shalwar kameez,I've just had a baby 2 weeks ago, my chest has grown and my clothes don't fit properly!) My sister in law then went on to ask me " why didn't you wear something fancy" I said " nothing fits my chest ive only just had a baby" she said ok. Mother in law then went on to keep looking at my sister in law as if I wasn't sat in the room and kept saying over and over " why is she wearing that why has she come dressed like that" I was about to burst into tears and was ready to get my kids and leave. I text my husband saying I wouldn't be accepting any of these comments anymore and he texted back saying " just take a deep breath" I told him no and if he thinks it's acceptable for me as his wife to be treated like this then I know my place.
If he wants to leave me then so be it,but I'm not going to take this anymore. I'm a human being with feelings, I'm not here to be made to feel like I look horrible about what I'm wearing when I've just had a baby.
I'm wearing decent clothes,I've put make up on,nice shoes, even though I'm sleep deprived and just wanted to be in bed. I'm so done with them at this point.

OP posts:
readingmakesmehappy · 02/11/2023 16:00

So not only is your husband a shit, he's a racist shit. OP please look after yourself and your children first xoxo

LittleMissUnreasonable · 02/11/2023 15:42

I'd leave your horrible, racist husband to cuddle up in bed with his mummy, and go to your mum's with the kids

BananaHamster · 02/11/2023 14:47

@ZeeB68 invite your mum over tell her she can stay, get her over before MIL comes back and then text her "my mum has come to stay to spend time with me & the kids, I'm sure you don't mind spending time at your daughters as there's no room."
Sod what your husband says, as for "English brain" what a racist piece of sh*t.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 02/11/2023 14:46

Why does their culture take precedence over yours? Tell him you and your English brain are leaving and when he has got his Pakistani brain around it he is welcome to apologise. Utter fucking nonsense that his mother gets to come to your home and dictate her cultural nonsense to you. She’s not in Pakistan now!

Shelby2010 · 02/11/2023 14:32

Talk to your health visitor. Your low milk supply isn’t going to be helped by the stress of MIL bullying you.

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/11/2023 14:16

OP you deserve better
Talk to your midwife/GP
Please take your baby (kids if that will help you leave) and go to your mums
Shes the only one in this rabble who has your best interest at heart
“cultural “ is not an excuse for abuse

I can’t see a happy future with a H who thinks this abuse is acceptable.How on earth will he treat your DD as she gets older? Will her English brain need quashing ?

Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby · 02/11/2023 14:16

ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 11:15

@readingmakesmehappy
That's the point my husband won't let my mum stay, she has been asking too as she's only seen the new baby twice, the first time for a couple of hours at the hospital on the day she was born and the 2nd time last Saturday again Only for a couple of hours. She keeps asking when she can stay over to spend time with the kids and new baby but every time I ask my husband about her staying he says no.

Don't ask him for his permission if your Mam can come and stay. Tell him she is coming to stay and if he doesn't like it he can piss off elsewhere with his Mam.

paddyclampofthethirdkind · 02/11/2023 14:09

What a hideous woman! Your husband is every bit as bad!

I still can’t get past the bit where she called your DD lazy - what a cow!

TakeMe2Insanity · 02/11/2023 14:02

As everyone is saying you have two choices: either they go or you and children go. This isn’t right on any level.

Either way you need to find the strength within yourself and just do it.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 02/11/2023 13:46

I would leave your h. Seriously. He doesn't have your back.

He's a spineless unsupportive idiot.

I'd make his mum move out ASAP. This is your house. If he wants to go, he can fuck off too. No loss. He's not making your life better; he's making it worse.

angsanana · 02/11/2023 13:28

Your husband and MIL both sound awful OP. It's rare that everyone's comments are so unified and a lot of people come and find a reason to say you ARE being unreasonable... but no one has here because this is AWFUL. Your mum needs to come and stay with you (if you want to try and make your marriage work) or if you don't then take the kids and go to hers.
Re: the bottle feeding. Chuck all the bottles and formula. All of them. And if they go and buy more do it again too. If you want to breastfeed that's what you need to do.
Tough yards ahead, you'll need to stand up to both of them. They won't like it.

churrios · 02/11/2023 13:17

This woman is awful. Does she have staff at home? No excuse but perhaps these are cultural issues. As you say the relationship between your husband and his mum is weird, it seems unhealthy and needs a whole another discussion. For me step one is parenting your kids as you want. Learn to say no, firmly, My kids my rules , repeatedly till she gets the message. She will get it eventually and you need a reset now before she starts coming every year for 6 moths and implementing her rules. I don’t think she will ever be happy with you so don’t bother trying to please her. Just please yourself so you know you’ve cared for your baby to your standards. Agree also saying gp said you need to take it easy so washing and caring for his mum is husbands job, leave her on her dirty sheets till he or she sort it. Re your marriage, I’d focus on baby for now then deal with your marriage, how he reacts as you assert yourself might guide you. English brain is an outrageous insult that nobody should be saying particularly a man with an English wife and kids, I suspect this is his mother’s opinion.

Sugarfree23 · 02/11/2023 12:46

Your Husband is an arse! English Brain - WTAF!

I suggested you should go to your mums for a break and a bit of support.
I now think you should look to leave him permanently.

feemcgee · 02/11/2023 12:22

This is awful, I am so sorry. You are being abused and I'd advise you to contact a women's dometic abuse charity. There are specific ones for Muslim women, like Shakti where I live in Scotland.

towriteyoumustlive · 02/11/2023 12:14

Do you really want your children to grow up in an environment where their dad treats their mum like a slave?

Your husband sounds awful!

Personally I'd take the children from school on Friday night and go and stay with your mum. Let them miss school. Ask the school for some work for them to do, and let your husband know you won't be coming home until MIL is staying elsewhere.

Has your husband always treated you like a slave?! OR is this just since having children?

Ponderingwindow · 02/11/2023 12:08

Your husband is a massive failure as a husband and parent. Why were you putting sheets on a bed at the end of your pregnancy? That was his job. Why can’t he brush his children’s hair? Any father is capable of basic care for his children.

He should be knowledgeable about breastfeeding and know that what you need is lots of time with baby at the breast to increase your supply.

this is all dad 101 stuff and he is on his 3rd child.

that doesn’t even get to the fact that he should be buffering between you and his mother.

in a perfect world, you would find your voice and start saying no. You are newly postpartum, sleep deprived, and this is supposed to be when the people who love you are protecting you so it’s understandable that it is hard.
if your mother is willing to help you right now, you should let her. You need an advocate. Either invite her to stay over your husbands objections or pack up your things and move to her house. Your husband will manage the older children and school. He is a father. It’s his job.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/11/2023 11:58

Further to the earlier post... it might be quite dramatic and quite traumatic for the kids. However I expect your husband to back down very quickly. Just make sure you talk to your GP and school so that no one in authority can accuse you in the future of unreasonable behaviour/mentally unstable person/neglectful mother

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/11/2023 11:55

It sounds terrible. Your situation is intolerable. I suggest you either get yourself a sick note from your GP stating you need as much rest as possible and must recuperate without visitors in the house. Or you go and stay with your mum. Or both. It's never a bad idea to get professionals involved. Just call school on Monday and explain the situation. The school will inform social services if your children are neglected. This will surely grab your husband's attention. I also suspect he is already expecting sex from you. Going away might get him reevaluate the entire situation.

Olika · 02/11/2023 11:52

I get more pissed off about your husband with every update.