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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

215 replies

ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 09:05

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
Daffyyellow · 04/11/2023 11:11

They’ve invited people to be there today. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE. Go to your Mum’s or just go out, ‘pop to the shops’ forget your phone and then stay out for the day.

FallingStar21 · 04/11/2023 11:05

Oh OP, I couldn't read everything but all I did see is terribly abusive, from both your husband and his mother.
Please, please Do Not Stay there any longer. You do have other options and they are better than living like this!

Option 1: speak to Women's Aid and see if they can place you and kids in one of their houses to start with.

Option 2: pack your things and kids' things and go to your mums- permanently
If she doesnt have enough space at her house, try to make do with sleeping on the couch/inflatable or foldable beds and immediately apply for council housing in her area. You will be a priority as you have young children and they need their individual space.

None of these are perfect solutions but remember they'll be temporary. You will be okay, it's just hard at the beginning (I say this from personal experience). You've told your husband and pleaded with him endlessly, he clearly does not care and will not change. Don't prolong your misery, just get out of there as soon as you can.

TakeMe2Insanity · 04/11/2023 10:40

Please pack up everyone’s stuff and go to your mum’s. Let him live with his mum. He really is being an idiot. He’s not treating you with the respect and rights you deserve islamically as his wife.

RampantIvy · 04/11/2023 10:40

Is there a local friend that you can escape to for today?

therealcookiemonster · 04/11/2023 10:40

@ZeeB68 I vote that you stay for the guests to arrive and majorly kick off. start crying in front of the guests saying MIL hates you and all the other stuff she has done. embarrass her. cause drama to stop drama.

Sirzy · 04/11/2023 10:39

It’s at the point of having a negative impact on your daughter. That’s the point you need to take your children and leave. Don’t let them think this is a normal way to treat someone.

Codlingmoths · 04/11/2023 10:38

whay would happen if you took all the dc to your mums? I know they’d miss school, but could you tell school it’s an emergency? It is an emergency.

tell dhs brothers potential wife that she will get the mil from hell. What have you got to lose?

therealcookiemonster · 04/11/2023 10:38

@Sugarfree23 not at all against islamic beliefs to divorce. islamically the wife has a right to her own residence I.e. MIL shouldn't be here without her consent. OP's husband is a twat

Sugarfree23 · 04/11/2023 10:34

Op please pack up and go to your mums, even for a short break bit of breathing space.

They are riding rough shod over you. And will continue to do so.

It might be against your beliefs to divorce but he's not treating you with honour or respect. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND KIDS.

Original poster
ZeeB68 · 04/11/2023 10:29

Yes I did stand up for myself but if anything it's made it worse. At the same time my DD got upset and told her dad " why are you allowed to say bad things about mummys mum but we aren't allowed to say anything about yours" my DD also told him that mil called her lazy. He's told my mil everything I've said and what dd has said, she came back last night but is now ignoring me and being funny with me and to be honest everything's just been made worse.
He's not said it in support of me he's told her in a way just saying this is what my wife's been saying about you kind of way.
I'm just fed up.
I don't know what's going to happen now but I've got to live until January now getting ignored.

They've invited all the family round today, including 2 random people I've never met, the family of his younger brothers potential new wife. I bet she will be all smiles and talks to me then in the hope I make a good impression for her and don't ruin it for her.

OP posts:
Sealover123 · 03/11/2023 21:36

You poor thing, this is so awful. They sound absolutely horrible and no one deserves to be treated this way. Please leave; your husband is not being a good one. Your children and mum sound wonderful, cling to them. A divorce would favour the children staying with their mum as you seem to be primary caregiver. I hope you are able to shape a good future for yourself and your little ones.

shrubgreen · 03/11/2023 20:59

So glad you have your mum coming soon. Your husband is an abusive, immature and ignorant piece of work and his mum clearly is equally terrible given that she raised him to be that way. They're trapped in a cycle of abuse and disrespect and they won't ever change. But you don't have to be a part of it.

No culture or religion endorses this behaviour. Please do what you can to rebuild your confidence, your spirit, your independence, your finances - and divorce him. You will find the support.

Others have better advice about cataloguing the abuse and finding out more about preparing to leave. Incase this contributed to your hesitation, remember that divorce is allowed in Islam when there is no fault at all - my personal belief is that when a partner is being subjected to behaviours like this, divorce actually becomes the absolute morally right thing to do. For you and your children.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 03/11/2023 20:54

Well done for standing up for yourself. Please do not hesitate to call police if you feel threatened. You husband could turn really nasty. Especially if you threaten to leave

Pumpkinpie1 · 03/11/2023 20:52

OP you are being very brave.
Im sorry that your Husband and MIL are spoiling what should be a joyful time with your new baby.
To use “culture “ as an excuse to abuse you is wrong.

I hope your Mum can come soon to support you.
Hers is the only voice - speaking with her love and concern about you - that deserves to be heard.

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/11/2023 20:10

OP your DH is just offensive and rude.

Please remember you can divorce him islamically and frankly it sounds like you have every right to. Hes made this 3rd birth sound horrible just feed his mum’s ego.

Please find the strength to get rid of him.

IncompleteSenten · 03/11/2023 18:28

Will you be safe? Do you think that he will become physically abusive if you begin to stand up to him?

I know it's not easy or quick to leave but I hope you can begin the process of leaving as safely as possible.

PaminaMozart · 03/11/2023 18:27

I told my husband today from now on I w tolerating as going to do what I want,raise my kids how I want and I won't tolerate any comments like this and if he wants to leave me then so be it.
I now realise how abusive it is and horrible to keep calling someone " English brain" for being hurt by someone's behaviour and comments.i can't understand why I'm the one always in the wrong.

I feel so sorry for you - your situation is intolerable and heartbreaking 💐

Practically, though, a few thoughts occurred to me as I read your post:

How realistic do you think it is to do what you want from now on and raise your kids how you want? And not tolerating comments like 'English brain'? I think you are setting yourself up for open warfare because HE won't tolerate you standing up for yourself.

Of course you cannot understand why YOU are always in the wrong. Why would you even want to try - you know you are right and he is abusing you.

Lastly, why the passivity of waiting for him to leave if he wants to? What needs to happen for you to take your children and move in with your mum, and file for divorce? It's like you are either waiting for permission to leave him (from whom?), or you do not want the responsibility of being the one who pulls the plug on this abusive marriage.

NB: Do you have access to all financial documentation - bank/investment statements, tax returns, mortgage, pensions... Get this together and copied before you do anything. And maybe post in the Divorce forum for advice.

Another thought: PPs raised the possibility of him abducting the children to his home country, so ensure that their passports are in a safe place, away from home. You may also want to alert UK Borders of the risk, so he would hopefully be stopped from taking them.

billy1966 · 03/11/2023 18:17

OP, for as long as you will tolerate being abused they will abuse you.

These are vile people.

I hope you find the strength to leave for your childrens sake and yours.

Original poster
ZeeB68 · 03/11/2023 18:07

Thank you everyone for your replies.
Yes my mum knows everything that's been going on I've told her everything.

I confronted my husband today after his mum got in their first and tried to cover her tracks and make me out to be the bad one so I brought everything up to him.

Mil called my husband today,she asked him if I had a problem with her because yesterday when the clothes incident went down when I went to my sil in house, she told my husband she had her packed bags down stairs and she showed me her bags and told me she was coming home with me yesterday,but that apparently I ignored what she said and left her there at the relatives house without saying anything.
I asked my husband if he was calling me a liar, because she never showed me any packed bags and she never told me she was coming home with me yesterday,as far as I was concerned she was coming home on Friday so today. That's what I was told by my husband and mil never showed me any bags or said anything. My husband shouted at me and said this is what she's said, I asked him if he was calling me a liar because i told him it wasn't the truth. Yes I left early from the relatives house because I was tired,plus baby was getting unsettled. She kept saying she wanted to stay longer so my husband told me to drive home if I wanted to with baby and Dd and that he would stay their another couple of hours My husband stayed their at the relatives for another couple of hours so if it was true she had her bags packed and wanted to come she could have come home with him.
But she's know got in there first and made me out to be the horrible one, she said I clearly don't " need " her. Whatever that means.

I then told my husband everything and as expected he just ended up swearing at me,calling me English brain, telling me he would just tell his mum not to stay at our house because of my " English brain" and he just kept swearing at me.

The worst part about it is, I told him the comment his mum made when I was 1 week postpartum, she kept saying my legs were fat, saying she was so confused how I could be so slim from the top but fat from the hips down, saying I looked fat in my pyjamas.
When I told my husband about these comments he said " well it's true,your legs are fat so what has she said wrong,it's the truth"
I was just shocked. If I said that to his mum or sister I'd be divorced and out as soon as I said anything like it, but because it's his mum she is allowed to say it because it's " the truth"
My husband knows I have suffered with anorexia in the past too.
For reference I'm not even big ( even if I was it's non of her business and shouldn't be mentioned! She also knows I've struggled with eating disorder in the past) , I'm just pear shaped so naturally my thighs and hips are bigger and she just can't seem to understand the concepts of different body shapes.

I told my husband today from now on I was going to do what I want,raise my kids how I want and I won't tolerate any comments like this and if he wants to leave me then so be it.
I now realise how abusive it is and horrible to keep calling someone " English brain" for being hurt by someone's behaviour and comments.i can't understand why I'm the one always in the wrong.

OP posts:
PinkArt · 03/11/2023 16:30

You need to get the fuck away from these awful people. Yes your MIL is clearly a revolting person but no more than your husband, who should have your back here but instead doesn't sound like he likes, let alone loves, you.
When your mum gets there, tell her all of this. What is being said to you, how your husband is controlling, how they've beaten you down to the point where when your MIL snatches your baby you don't fight back. Let her help you make a plan to end things. See if she can speak up for you when you don't feel able.
And this weekend, just do whatever you need to to get through it before help arrives. Take the kids out to the park, take them to visit a friend, anything to stop you being around those dreadful people for a second longer than you need to. If MIL has invited a bunch of other awful people over, go to your room or the kids room for the evening with a load of snacks and stay there.
It is absolutely scummy behaviour to treat anyone like this, but especially someone who gave birth weeks ago and is still physically healing.

Mumofoneandone · 03/11/2023 16:05

Maybe get some medical imput (see GP) particularly if she is interfering with your attempts to breastfeed.
IMO this is emotional abuse and can not continue.
MIL has got to leave the house - either staying with other relatives or local accommodation and just visiting. Or change plane tickets and send her home!
Really pleased your Mum is coming to stay.
Is there any way you and children could stay with your Mum. Not ideal with schooling but just explain the situation.........
Need to focus on your needs and children's.
Stay strong

PennyNotWise · 03/11/2023 15:19

God this sounds awful, my idea of hell! You poor thing, I would definitely leave! I know you don’t want to rock the boat but your kids won’t be happy if you’re not happy, and the other adults clearly don’t care for them. I really hope you can escape and go to your mums. They are horrible bullies xx

SapphOhNo · 03/11/2023 14:52

I implore you OP. Leave this man. Make preparations and get out.

You have a DH problem.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 03/11/2023 14:30

what was your marriage like before your MIL came to visit? surely not terrible if you decided to have a 3rd child??

was he helpful with your other kids when they were babies ?? house work?? was he at those births - did he take any time off when they were small?

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 22:15

You take that baby to do the school run if you have to manhandle it off mil...