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Original poster

Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

215 replies

ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 09:05

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
Tiredbehyondbelief · 05/11/2023 16:01

To ZeeB68. You are on the right course. Every marriage has ups and downs as we don't leave in an ideal world. Listen to your gut and ride this time out

Original poster
ZeeB68 · 05/11/2023 15:37

@2jacqi in Islam we shave the babies hair off on the 7th day after birth.
I post here because it's a place to talk and let out my feelings where I don't get judged. It's nice to have support from somewhere even if it's just on the internet and people reassuring you your not the one in the wrong when your constantly made to feel like you are. I'm not bleating on about anyone.
I'm still in this house because at the end of the day I still have 3 children with my husband,one which is a newborn and only 2 weeks old. For me divorce is a last resort and one I want to avoid unless absolutely necessary.

OP posts:
Tiredbehyondbelief · 05/11/2023 15:09

Hi there, I have been following this thread right from the beginning. I really do wonder why everyone is so keen for OP to split up from her husband? Because he called her English brain? People sometimes say lots of horrible things to each other in the heat of an argument. Just because OP has a horrible mil and her Asian husband is too scared to go against his mum in front of relatives is not grounds for divorce if he is otherwise a decent man. OP does seem to have supportive relatives in her family. Like her sil who told her to enjoy a cup of tea while baby's head is being shaved (cultural tradition). OP, you have done the right thing standing up for yourself. Well done for persevering with breastfeeding. Now, just aa you have said, put your feelings and your mental and physical health first. Ride out this time until your mil goes back home. Then enjoy your well deserved peace and happiness with your husband and children. In the future, say no to your mil staying in your house again.

2jacqi · 05/11/2023 13:09

@ZeeB68 sis in law shaved baby's head?????? is this true????? why did you allow her to do that if it is true???? why the hell are you still in that house and continually bleating on about MIL and DH???? do something about it! take the advice which you keep asking for!!!!

keffie12 · 05/11/2023 12:28

He sleeps in bed with his mother - cultural or not, this is sick. You're in abuse. Get help and get out. You allow your children to witness this is damaging them. Take it from one who knows too well. I learnt the hard way

www.womensaid.org.uk/

TakeMe2Insanity · 05/11/2023 11:49

But your accepting the status quo. Your accepting that your MIL needs to stay the duration of her visa. You shouldn’t have to accept your DH acting differently around his mum (and that too badly). If you want to stay and not go to your mum’s then you need to go out with him and the baby and have a serious conversation where you tell him the situation in unacceptable. She needs to go.

Weenurse · 05/11/2023 11:06

Take care of yourself, ignore your MIL. if she has issues with anything , she can do it herself. If she comments, or DH comments, you thought MIL was here to help, so she can help with older DC and housework so you can concentrate on baby and establishing breast feeding.

rainbowstardrops · 05/11/2023 11:02

But it will only be better because your husband is nicer to you when she's not there but that will be until the next time she visits and the time after that.
And he openly tells you your mum can't come and visit or stay.
He is not a nice man. Especially as he treats you so poorly in front of his mother and children.

Original poster
ZeeB68 · 05/11/2023 10:57

@rainbowstardrops
The thing is he is different when she is not here, he helps with things, he is nice to me.
We have had this issue throughout our entire 9 year marriage. When we've been to Pakistan to visit in the past he would stop helping me and doing things for the kids because he " didn't want me to look bad Infront of his mum " I've told him so many times it's 2023 we are not living in old Pakistani times.
He's just different when his mum is not here.
This morning she has again made comments about giving baby a bottle, I've told the pair of them to stop asking me about the bottle until I decide otherwise, I'm not being pressurised to give up breastfeeding because of his mother.
Like this morning I have been in the kitchen making everyone's breakfast while mil sits on the sofa cuddling my baby. It just breaks my heart,I know I can't hold my baby 24/7 but I just find it unbearable. I genuinely now believe her idea of coming here to " help" was to actually take the baby and enjoy the baby so I can just do house work. She's still being funny with me this morning, I don't care anymore.
I've spent the last 9 years trying to get her acceptance and be good enough for her, I did heavy house work right up until I went into labor with baby, all for what just to " prove" myself good enough to her.
I'm not letting it go on anymore.
I feel so unhappy and I know I will never be happy until I start putting myself and my own feelings first.
My sil friend shaved baby's head last week and what she said really stuck with me, I was drinking a cup of tea in the kitchen and baby cried, she said to me " no, sit down, everyone will take care of the baby but no one will take care of you so you need to take care of yourself and take it easy" it's sad but it's stuck with me because it's true. I need to put myself first and my own feelings and mental and physical health. My older kids are back at school tomorrow so I just plan to get into bed with baby and rest, I haven't had a days rest since she's been born and it was a hard and difficult labor. If she has something to say or a problem with anything she can tell me I'm just not going to care anymore.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 05/11/2023 09:21

You said you just need to tolerate this until January when the witch goes back home but what exactly do you think will magically change with your vile husband then? He couldn't give a flying shit about you or your feelings and even your DD can see it now!
Come on OP, this can't go on.
You have a choice to tolerate the abuse but your poor children don't.

Cherrysoup · 04/11/2023 23:59

Your husband is abusive. Please don't let your vicious cow of a mil sabotage breastfeeding. Keep telling her you're the mum and she needs to stop interfering. Horrible bitch.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 04/11/2023 23:32

Your Sons will become him.
Your Daughters will marry him.

If you don't break this cycle you will make your children pay the price.

TentChristmas · 04/11/2023 22:47

Please protect your children from your MIL and DH. Your daughter is now getting emotionally abused, and is picking up on your abuse. You are training her to accept this in her future relationships, what would you do if this was your daughter?
Move your mum in or move back with your mum. School can be sorted.

GabriellaMontez · 04/11/2023 22:45

Your husband is a prize twat.

MIL sounds awful too. She speaks to you however she pleases, absolutely vile. Why do you hold back in response?

Upset her. Hopefully she'll leave and take her son with her.

Sugarfree23 · 04/11/2023 22:31

@ZeeB68 Hope you are OK. Please take care of yourself and make sure you have time with your Mum.

Bluela18 · 04/11/2023 20:25

The woman sounds deranged, a bully and a control freak, who will ruin yours and your childrens life if this continues. She will keep coming over and things like this will keep happening. Your husband sounds like a wet lettuce to his mummy, he's probably used to being under her control and so thinks its normal. Your husband and mil will not change, its up to you to take control for your own mental well being and that of your children. As hard as it is , you need to put your foot down. Can you confront her and say under no circumstances will you be bullied and controlled in your own home . Your husband does not sound like a good husband or father allowing his bully of a mum to take control!!

PaminaMozart · 04/11/2023 20:20

PaminaMozart · 03/11/2023 18:27

I told my husband today from now on I w tolerating as going to do what I want,raise my kids how I want and I won't tolerate any comments like this and if he wants to leave me then so be it.
I now realise how abusive it is and horrible to keep calling someone " English brain" for being hurt by someone's behaviour and comments.i can't understand why I'm the one always in the wrong.

I feel so sorry for you - your situation is intolerable and heartbreaking 💐

Practically, though, a few thoughts occurred to me as I read your post:

How realistic do you think it is to do what you want from now on and raise your kids how you want? And not tolerating comments like 'English brain'? I think you are setting yourself up for open warfare because HE won't tolerate you standing up for yourself.

Of course you cannot understand why YOU are always in the wrong. Why would you even want to try - you know you are right and he is abusing you.

Lastly, why the passivity of waiting for him to leave if he wants to? What needs to happen for you to take your children and move in with your mum, and file for divorce? It's like you are either waiting for permission to leave him (from whom?), or you do not want the responsibility of being the one who pulls the plug on this abusive marriage.

NB: Do you have access to all financial documentation - bank/investment statements, tax returns, mortgage, pensions... Get this together and copied before you do anything. And maybe post in the Divorce forum for advice.

Another thought: PPs raised the possibility of him abducting the children to his home country, so ensure that their passports are in a safe place, away from home. You may also want to alert UK Borders of the risk, so he would hopefully be stopped from taking them.

Quoting myself here as the OP never responded and I feel some of the points I raised are worth thinking about.

NB: I agree with @GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut .

But, for whatever reason, she doesn't seem ready, and I can understand that it may be overwhelming, particularly since she only recently gave birth.

Hopefully,@ZeeB68 , you can at least start thinking about all this and what it would mean for you and your children - and suss out your options, start collecting documents, get advice, maybe get counselling. Talking to Women's Aid would probably a good initial step.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 04/11/2023 19:51

For the love of all that's holy will you please just pack up your kids and leave. Indefinitely. Then set the wheels on motion for divorce.

He's an arsehole, she's an arsehole, they're all arseholes. You don't have to put up with it.

You go to your mum's, you ring the school, tell them you've fled domestic abuse and can they send you some online learning or whatever. Call women's aid, get some advice. See a solicitor.

Drop the rope.

So she's invited a coach load of people to your house for you to entertain. So fucking what?! Not your problem. They can all come to your house, you won't be there and neither will your kids. Your useless arsehole husband and psychotic arsehole mother in law can explain why they've all come to see a baby that's not there. Not. Your. Problem.

You didn't even think it reasonable to expect your DH to brush his DCs hair when you weren't there? Wtf?! Why do you think he's incapable of something so simple?! He's clearly completely pointless. Being without him, never mind the MIL, would be so much easier. Go to your mum so she can help you.

Don't give threats about leaving or expect them to realise they're shits. Don't expect them to suddenly see sense. This is who they are. They will not change.

Just. Leave.

namechangedtodays · 04/11/2023 19:20

What you are going through is abusive.
Please contact Women's Aid.
This is not going to get any better.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/11/2023 13:03

@ZeeB68

When DH and I married, my MiL told me that she was happily taking a 'back seat' and gladly giving his 'care and feeding' over to me. And she was as good as her word. She never interfered, never criticized, and if DH & I had a 'spat' she always took my side. I miss her dearly and have patterned my behaviour with my darling DiL on hers. And I have never felt for one instant that my wellbeing and happiness is not my DH's 1st priority, as his is mine.

You need to understand, deep down in your soul, that you will NEVER be 'first' with your husband. His mother will ALWAYS take precedence over you. Is that the way you want to live for the next (depending on her age) 20, 30, 40 years? I wouldn't.

If I were you, I'd quietly pack small bags for ALL the children and yourself and hide them. Then when my mother came to visit I'd put them in her car when he wasn't looking, invent an outing, load the children into Mum's car and leave.

Things will never get better.

immigrant002 · 04/11/2023 12:47

Hi OP i am also a convert married to a pakistani .
His mother regurarly comes and stays with us . She is on her eighties and helps a lot around the house cooks and cleans . She does sometimes has comments about kids etc but nothing bad .
Your situation sounds very toxic it does sound like your husband does not care about you calling you names and not understanding .
If my husband was like that i would leave but i understand that can be difficult .

HeckyPeck · 04/11/2023 12:45

FallingStar21 · 04/11/2023 11:05

Oh OP, I couldn't read everything but all I did see is terribly abusive, from both your husband and his mother.
Please, please Do Not Stay there any longer. You do have other options and they are better than living like this!

Option 1: speak to Women's Aid and see if they can place you and kids in one of their houses to start with.

Option 2: pack your things and kids' things and go to your mums- permanently
If she doesnt have enough space at her house, try to make do with sleeping on the couch/inflatable or foldable beds and immediately apply for council housing in her area. You will be a priority as you have young children and they need their individual space.

None of these are perfect solutions but remember they'll be temporary. You will be okay, it's just hard at the beginning (I say this from personal experience). You've told your husband and pleaded with him endlessly, he clearly does not care and will not change. Don't prolong your misery, just get out of there as soon as you can.

Edited

I agree with this.

You and your children don't deserve to live like this. I know it's hard to leave, but I'm 100% certain you'll be so much happier without both of these arseholes in your life.

If you feel like you have to stay for the short term while finding somewhere to go, is there any way your mum could stay for longer this week until you can make a plan?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 04/11/2023 12:30

ZeeB68 · 04/11/2023 10:29

Yes I did stand up for myself but if anything it's made it worse. At the same time my DD got upset and told her dad " why are you allowed to say bad things about mummys mum but we aren't allowed to say anything about yours" my DD also told him that mil called her lazy. He's told my mil everything I've said and what dd has said, she came back last night but is now ignoring me and being funny with me and to be honest everything's just been made worse.
He's not said it in support of me he's told her in a way just saying this is what my wife's been saying about you kind of way.
I'm just fed up.
I don't know what's going to happen now but I've got to live until January now getting ignored.

They've invited all the family round today, including 2 random people I've never met, the family of his younger brothers potential new wife. I bet she will be all smiles and talks to me then in the hope I make a good impression for her and don't ruin it for her.

Look, do you realise they won't change?
That means unless you take action then everything will stay the same.
In ten years time you will still be hating it. In 20 years time and 30.
You will be old and have so many regrets.

You need to leave and take the kids.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 04/11/2023 12:10

Please leave the house
With all three children (and their ID documents)
And treat this marriage as over. It isn't going to get any better by the sounds of it. Your DH is a selfish man, and one of the most inconsiderate and cruel I've read about on here in a long time. Why would you want to bring up children with him at all? (even if his mother fucked off back to Pakistan tomorrow, and we know that is unlikely to happen).

If you're feeling bold, get a marker pen and write a message to today's uninvited visitors on the wall, explaining why you are no longer there. Don't forget to point out that their behaviour is completely contrary to Islamic teaching.

ThreeIsACrowd · 04/11/2023 11:14

Hi, so sorry to read what you are going through. I am south Asian and this is beyond the usual toxicity that exists in parts of our culture. I wouldn't stand for this and I have grown up in that culture, please don't let him belittle you. Take "English brain" as a compliment. There is no requirement in Islam to live in a joint family or accommodate unnecessary demands of in-laws.

He will only realise that he has to stand up for you if you show him what he stands to lose. And then if he is too egotistical or not bothered then you and your kids will be better off out of this situation.

Your MIL wouldn't have been a problem if your husband was any good both as a husband and as a father.