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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

215 replies

ZeeB68 · 01/11/2023 09:05

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
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LookItsMeAgain · 13/09/2024 21:42

#### ZOMBIE THREAD #####

Last posted on 18th Jan 2024

LondonUSAGirl · 13/09/2024 10:50

Your husband treats you like garbage and doesn't trust you (AirTag). Why do you stay with someone who treats you so badly?

Tesal · 18/01/2024 13:05

Do you want your daughter to grow up in all this and then perhaps be treated as badly as you are if she marries into this culture?
Note I said perhaps as I know not all men are like that but if you stay in this marriage she may well meet men like your husband (god forbid).

Biculturalfamily · 18/01/2024 09:53

Dear OP,
I came to this thread because I read your most recent one about the apple airtag. You sound like the loveliest, gentlest person but your patience and kindness is doing you no favours. You are caught up in a terrible situation. Your husband is not someone to be trusted. You should start planning for a future alone with your children. You need to start thinking about how you can prepare yourself for getting a job ( can you get a qualification or retrain?). Can you put aside some money? Sooner or later, you will have to leave this situation. I wish you strength.

Chickpea17 · 18/01/2024 09:04
  1. He cheating and the AirTag is so he can go off and have fun and know you're not close by.
  1. He doesn't trust you.
  1. He controlling and unhinged.

You have 3 weeks I would be changing the locks, calling the police and speaking to a solicitor.

readingmakesmehappy · 11/11/2023 20:43

OP, how are you doing? How's the baby?

Mum5net · 08/11/2023 23:38

OP, hoping you have managed a little more rest now your older two are back at school. Hoping your DM is able to assist you and let you bond with your little one without all the distractions.

AlhambraQueen · 08/11/2023 18:46

From a cultural perspective you are also entitled to go and stay at your mums so she can help with the baby. Use this as an excuse to get some headspace and decide what to do.

Greenpolkadot · 06/11/2023 19:20

My God, what a horrible mess this is,.
Why dont you take the kids and go to your mum.

cactidream · 06/11/2023 18:44

Pack and leave!!!
How can you let your daughter grow up in this environment???
this is absolutely horrible- they are treating you HORRIBLY
how can you not see that and just stay silent?! shes abusing you because you are not doing anything to answer her back!

LinkyDooda · 06/11/2023 10:23

Go stay with your ma

RampantIvy · 06/11/2023 08:01

Weenurse · 06/11/2023 00:12

A very wise person once said you can’t change another person’s behaviour, only your response to it.
Stop behaving as expected and do what you want.
They will either accept this or not, it doesn’t change what you do.

The best advice ^^
Re the breastfeeding, I would just keep quoting the WHO guidelines at (not to Grin) her ad nauseum.

Weenurse · 06/11/2023 00:12

A very wise person once said you can’t change another person’s behaviour, only your response to it.
Stop behaving as expected and do what you want.
They will either accept this or not, it doesn’t change what you do.

FallingStar21 · 05/11/2023 22:42

OP you said so much about what both your husband and his mum are doing to you. How horribly they have been treating you and how you are at breaking point. Only to update now to say "oh but my husband is actually nice"... when his mum is not around.
How is that any consolation OP, when he's already done so much damage to you and the children by being in cahoots with his mother and openly supporting her vile behaviour?
Please re-read your posts, including the last one you wrote, and ask yourself honestly: Do you really want to continue living with this man?
It's okay to have fears about leaving, it's such a tough decision I know. But at this point don't worry about the logistics, rather focus on what is right for you and the children.

Wrongsideofpennines · 05/11/2023 22:38

@ZeeB68 Please get yourself a sling/wrap/baby carrier and get your baby close to you on your chest. Your hands are then free to do things but MIL has no reason to hold your baby if you don't want her to.

Slav80 · 05/11/2023 19:18

No amount of cultural differences could explain what's going on here, this is proper abuse and you deserve so much better OP. Your husband doesn't deserve you and your kids, he sounds infantile and quite frankly disturbing with regards to his relationship with his mother. Please seek the support of your family and someone objective outside this shitshow to help you see straight. You should leave. I wish you all the best x

Louoby · 05/11/2023 18:59

Omg sounds hell!! If I was you I would be turning around to my husband and saying... it's me or your mum. Tell him his mum cannot stay any longer. He needs to tell her to go home as she's outstayed her welcome and is cruel!
Also I would not have allowed her to take her off the breast after birth! I would of been big mother bear and shouted no at her and to back off!
If he won't tell his mum to go then I would pack up mine, my baby's and other two children's belongings and moving to my mothers. If your husband can't back you now then it's never going to get any better.
Move out to your mothers and never look back.

Totaly · 05/11/2023 18:48

You need to take your MIL out of these arguments -

I am unhappy because - I can’t feed my baby in peace
I need you to step up and help me like you normally do.
I want to bring my child to school
I want to feed my baby how I choose.
I’m not happy having guest this late whilst I’m recovering

Don’t mention his mother - repeat what you want and what you need - so there’s nothing ambiguous.

He knows what his mother is like and he is choosing her over you.

I would live out to be honest and not go back until MIL has gone home.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/11/2023 18:22

I’ve read your posts @ZeeB68 and it breaks my heart to say that I really firmly believe that divorce is a necessity for the sake of all of your children and for your mental wellbeing.

This man and his awful mother deserve each other.

Wantingtomove123 · 05/11/2023 18:07

So sad to see the abuse you are taking from your husband, his mum and his family. You are also standing by and allowing your daughter to be abused. All because you have 3 kids with him and don’t want a divorce. Do you really think so little of yourself and also your daughter? You and your little girl especially deserves so much more than this. And if you stay with him your daughter will end up like you or worse. Why are you doing this to her? You need to do your duty as a mum and protect her. It seems to me you have such low self confidence that you think it’s better to live being abused like this than leave. I guess he ate away at your confidence over the years. I have never in my life advised anyone to divorce but in this case I would because you need to think of your daughter if not yourself. As a mum I know I would do anything for my child and I hope you will too.

maddening · 05/11/2023 17:21

Ps make it your husbands problem to avoid the divorce- lay down your boundaries now and tell him it is up to him to meet them.

maddening · 05/11/2023 17:19

The only words to say if she even dares to say anything is "keep your mouth shut or fuck off out of my house, don't you even dare speak to me like that" and if your husband backs her up he can fuck off too.

Do you have your family or any close friends who can advocate for you?

Maddy70 · 05/11/2023 17:05

You need to stand up for yourself. And your husband needs to stand up for you.

Tell him you are going to book yourself I to a hotel unless he sorts this

PaminaMozart · 05/11/2023 16:47

Everything @PumpkinsAndCoconuts said.

It is a desperately sad situation, but it seems that the OP will continue on her chosen path.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/11/2023 16:20

ZeeB68 · 05/11/2023 15:37

@2jacqi in Islam we shave the babies hair off on the 7th day after birth.
I post here because it's a place to talk and let out my feelings where I don't get judged. It's nice to have support from somewhere even if it's just on the internet and people reassuring you your not the one in the wrong when your constantly made to feel like you are. I'm not bleating on about anyone.
I'm still in this house because at the end of the day I still have 3 children with my husband,one which is a newborn and only 2 weeks old. For me divorce is a last resort and one I want to avoid unless absolutely necessary.

For me divorce is a last resort and one I want to avoid unless absolutely necessary.

that kind of mindset is great IF shared by both spouses.
that is not the case in your marriage.

it therefore allows your DH to disrespect you and prioritise his mother over you and your shared children.
And it leads to your DD being abused by her grandmother. And your children witnessing their DM’s abuse.

but you’re an adult. If you’re not ready or willing to leave, you won’t. And nothing we say will change any of that.

But I feel incredibly sorry for your children, especially your older DD. Your husband allows your MIL to verbally abuse her and condones that behaviour.

At the same time my DD got upset and told her dad " why are you allowed to say bad things about mummys mum but we aren't allowed to say anything about yours".

well, precisely. You are teaching your DD that it is okay for HER future husband (or boyfriend) to treat her how you are currently being treated.
you are also teaching her that those that should treat her with love and kindness (like her grandmother, her father) are allowed to mistreat her.

and you are teaching your son that it is fine to mistreat his future wife (or girlfriend)! That is is fine to mistreat you and his sister.

you - as an adult - are choosing to stay. And whilst I understand that freeing yourself from abuse and coercion is incredibly difficult I cannot help but note that you have a choice. You could pack your bags and go to your mother.

your DD however is a child. She can’t pack her bag and leave. And even if she could… where would she go? she - unlike you - will not find safety at her mother’s.

Because her mother is choosing to stay in an abusive marriage. And thereby choosing to expose her DD to abuse, misogyny and the harm of seeing her mother repeatedly victimised.

latter also apply to your DS. And can be incredibly damaging.