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Original poster

Brother being rude - Mum upset at me for bringing it up?

36 replies

MrsDoubtfire3000 · 30/10/2023 21:10

I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years. He and my brother used to get on fine but over the last couple of years my brother has rude outbursts directed at him (and sometimes at me), usually over something petty like board games. In conversation he will sneer or make mean comments, as well as sometimes just plain ignoring him when he talks to him.

After the latest weird encounter, I asked my mum if she had noticed. She and my dad are often around when these things happen but choose to laugh nervously or just stay quiet. She said she had noticed and so I asked her why doesn’t she say something? Her answer was that she didn’t want to “cause a scene”. I told her we really needed her and dad to have our backs in these situations, and she got upset and started to critisise my partners personality and suggest that he may deserve this bad treatment from my brother.

I got really angry and upset. We talked and couldn’t come to an agreement but kind of settled simply because I was exhausted discussing it with her.

The thing is, when he wants to be, brother can be a real sweetheart. We were close growing up and I love him so much. But if he is in a bad mood he just unleashes this awful nastiness that hurts me so badly. I also love my parents, and get on with them really well. I just think they are in denial at what an a*hole their son has become. I just feel so sad that it seems they would rather me and partner were uncomfortable, than confront my brother.

We have a baby and I never want him to witness his parents being disrespected like this. I know I need to have more conversations with my Brother and my mum about this, and so need some advice on what to say/how to say it/what language to use! And would love to hear if anyone has experienced anything similar as I feel very alone in this.

thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDoubtfire3000 · 30/10/2023 21:39

Thanks for advice so far - yes I probably am expecting too much from my mum and need to approach brother directly. For context - mum has begged me not to say anything to him and said she would “sort it out” (yet to happen) - not the healthiest dynamic I know.

OP posts:
RedCoffeeCup · 30/10/2023 21:39

After reading your update OP I think you need to distance yourself from your brother. He sounds horrible.

Namenamchange · 30/10/2023 21:32

she got upset and started to critisise my partners personality and suggest that he may deserve this bad treatment from my brother.

I wonder if your mum agrees with him in some way so doesn’t feel
the need to correct him.

Userwithallthenumbers · 30/10/2023 21:30

You are an adult, you speak to him.
Call him out, ask him to repeat what he just said. Ask if he would be OK with being spoken to like that. If he ignores your partner, point it out. Embarrass him a bit. He sounds childish, especially if it is over things like board games.

Or if you don't want to do that, ask him directly outside of one of these incidents. Tell him you have noticed, as has your partner, and you would like to understand why he does it as you do not like it.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/10/2023 21:28

MrsDoubtfire3000 · 30/10/2023 21:26

Oh sorry yes should have said - I’ll confront him in the moment but he gets even nastier and meaner. A couple of times I’ve tried to discuss with him after the fact, and he will totally gaslight me (an overused phrase but truly it is what he does) “oh yes I’m just so horrible aren’t I, poor you” with sarcasm. It’s so upsetting that I just give up.

If he does that, then make your excuses and leave. That still isn’t your mum’s problem to sort out.

Original poster
MrsDoubtfire3000 · 30/10/2023 21:26

Oh sorry yes should have said - I’ll confront him in the moment but he gets even nastier and meaner. A couple of times I’ve tried to discuss with him after the fact, and he will totally gaslight me (an overused phrase but truly it is what he does) “oh yes I’m just so horrible aren’t I, poor you” with sarcasm. It’s so upsetting that I just give up.

OP posts:
RedCoffeeCup · 30/10/2023 21:24

Your brother is the one at fault here, not you, but I think you're being unreasonable to expect your mum to get involved. Better for you and your brother to either sort things out or take a step back from each other.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/10/2023 21:23

You should be talking to your brother, why is this solely for your mother to solve for you?
It's not a nice situation but give her a break, why didn't you sit and talk with both of your parents?

Stomacharmeleon · 30/10/2023 21:19

Don't be harsh to your mum. My sons can be dicks to each other and very occasionally to me but it gets my Back up if any of them use me for a buffer. If I want to address it on a personal level I will (and tbh I don't always want to for a variety of reasons)

Shinyandnew1 · 30/10/2023 21:13

Why don’t you speak to your brother about this if you’re not happy? You and your brother aren’t children and it’s not your parents’ job to referee things between you.

Toothyfruity · 30/10/2023 21:13

Have you said anything to him?