Brother being rude - Mum upset at me for bringing it up?

It would be better if you took your brother to take rather than asking your mom to sort it out?

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@MrsDoubtfire3000 could you not stay somewhere separate, rent a cottage or an apartment and just see them for lunches etc? Take a bit of pressure off that way ?

Sounds similar to my brother, OP. He’s always had a selfish, nasty streak (while having the ability to be lovely 95% of the time!).

We used to be pretty close before I met my DH. Around the time I got married then had a baby, brother became really nasty/horrible, especially directed towards me or DH. My parents never said anything to him when he did it (although I know it tore my mum apart inside). I also never confronted him - I opted to just be civil and ignore.

I am pretty sure it was jealousy. Not liking the attention taken away from him. A few years down the line, and things have calmed down and our relationship is much better.

Not sure if your brother could be acting out for the same reasons.

I don't think it's up to your mum to fix this, but it would nice if she at least acknowledged to you privately that your brother is a problem and that she knows his behaviour isn't OK. It sounds like she's actually a bit scared of him, to be honest. Has she always pandered to him? It sounds like everyone's walking on eggshells around him.

It’s not as easy as “calling him out”. I get it OP.

You can try talking to him when he’s calm - say he was rude on such and such a day and it’s been happening for a while now and ask him if everything’s ok - but it may not work.

If you’ve tried that, just tell him you’ll be there if he needs you - clearly he’s angry and unhappy in some way - but you won’t stay if he’s being rude.

If he’s rude, don’t get into a massive row, especially in front of your DC. Just end the visit politely but firmly and choose not to see him again for a while. Stay in touch by text though.

Please don’t ask your DM to choose sides. Instead, speak to her privately, say you’re finding him rude and you’ll have to cut the visit short when that happens. If necessary, arrange to see her without him. Ask her if he’s rude to her too and if she feels intimidated or needs help getting him out of the house if he lives there. She might say no at first or be in denial but continue to offer quiet support. At your age - an adult - you should be offering support to her and not expecting her to provide it to you.

Good luck.

How old is your brother?

Lots of people are saying you should tell your B off yourself- and I get that, but I also understand why the fact that your mum won’t speak up is bothering you. Your brother is intimidating your parents into ignoring his poor behaviour. That’s difficult to see.

what was it like when you were kids?

what would happen if you called it out, and accepted that your parents won’t back you up?

Few questions

How old is your brother? Are you older or younger? Does your brother still live at home?

It’s not your parents problem to solve. I’d leave or ask him to leave next time it happens. is he drunk when he does this?
Has DH ever said anything to him ?
Id be tempted to reply with “Yes, you are a nasty mean mouthed person, take your anger out on someone else because from now on it won’t be us”.

Just read your update: is your mum afraid of him why doesn’t she want you to speak to him.

Reading with interest as my brother is like this with me and my mum but hasn't yet had an outburst towards my DH nor in front of my LO.

However I think people are right, make an exit when it happens. I'll try and employ this if my DB does it again.

What did your DM mean by the personality comment? Was their ant substance to it?

Is he jealous that you have your own family now which has changed the dynamic? Next time it happens, I would pack my stuff up and leave. I’d tell them why as well.
If he starts to mimic you, I’d say something along the lines of “Tom, it’s not our fault you’re an unhappy knob, but it is our fault if we let DC see it. Bye!”

Wow your poor mother! Why is she the one who is supposed to referee between three adults. Do you expect her to come to your work and deal with any issues for you there as well!

If DB us being actually and obviously nasty which it sounds like he is, I would expect my parents to have my back. I would expect my friends to have my back if someone was being an arsehole. I would expect at least as much from my parents as I would my friends.

You and your brother aren’t children and it’s not your parents’ job to fight your battles anymore. And it's not their job to take sides.
Be a grown up and sort it out yourself.

Protect your baby.

Don't let him continue the family generational trauma.

If that means stepping back, so be it.

Thing is, it's hard. Finding a brilliant therapist will help most are crap in my experience. They can't relate, if they do and have done their inner work, makes for a good one

Why can’t you tell him he’s being an arsehole? Why can’t your dh?

I could have written this! My B isn’t rude to me or my DH, he’s rude to my parents and his own wife. Everyone takes it because they’re afraid of him/ don’t want to cause a scene/ in denial. really upset me for a long time.

have solved it by avoiding him 99% of the time.

Does your brother still live at home with your parents or does he have his own place?

Just thinking if you decide to go LC/NC with him over this it might be hard if it would impact your contact with your parents.

OTOH if your DM thinks that by essentially condoning your brothers behaviour she risked not seeing you and her GC she might be more inclined to confront him

You do need to talk to your brother to find out why he is doing it and why he thinks it is acceptable.

But does this take place in your home or in your parents home? If it is happening elsewhere, and reasoning with your brother has no impact, then just leave. Don't get into an argument, just say it's been a lovely evening, but I think it's time to go now. Obviously you need to agree this with your DP beforehand otherwise DP will be take by surprise and not move or start to retaliate.

If it continues to happen, then decline future invitations.

I’ve had this with DB for years. Like you we were v close growing up but he often seems angry as an adult and can be verbally quite nasty for no reason. To other family members as well. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he can’t explain why he’s like this. Sometimes he gets upset and apologises, other times he blames me.

DF tiptoes around him, afraid to upset him. There is no point involving your DM as she probably is at a loss herself and it puts her in a difficult position. You’re an adult and it’s up to you to negotiate how you deal with your DB.

With mine, I‘ve learned to keep visits short and sweet. He’s very good to my DC and loves seeing them. But he can only take short periods of us. I’ll never know why he’s like this and it makes me sad at times. Our relationship is very different to how it was when we were children. Albeit at a distance I do know I’m important to him.