How to stop feeling down about not having children yet

It's time for a make or break chat really - complete honesty from both of you about where you see your future together. You both need to be brutally honest about your ideals and see if they do, or can, marry up.

33 is very young IMO.

Eh? 33 is 'very young' to have a baby?!

Frankly, I wouldn't give him another six months. He knows you really want a baby and yet he is stringing you along. I mean when might he want a baby? Could it be 10 years time? You have a right to some straight answers from him.

Also don't be future faked with a long engagement in that he buys a ring but you never progress because he doesn't want to set the date to get married either. You have already given him a few years and you have a clock. I had my first at 34 but I was married and we had a plan. I had my second at 37. With the benefit of hindsight we both think a few years earlier would have been better.

In no way would I think being pregnant at 39 was ideal. The risk of health issues rises for both you and the baby and just plain tiredness. I have told my son that if a woman is not "the one" he shouldn't string her along or waste years of her fertility because she's convenient. This happened to one of my friends and she bitterly regrets not having children.

Yeah 'you're the one who wanted a baby so you can do all the nappy changes/baths/night feeds/parenting'

It's not though, is it? Most people want to finish having babies by 35, not starting to have them at 39.

It's not just age that can stop you having a child. You could get early menopause for example, I'm 43 and have been in peri menopause since 38.
My cousin developed breast cancer at 35. She fully recovered but the treatment put her straight into menopause at 36. She is so thankful she had 2DC.

Careful on falling into the trap of him 'kindly giving you' a baby... the friends who I have who did this sadly paid at a later stage. 'I gave you a baby, now you need to do x'

What do you want more? Kids or him? If he doesn't want them, then you can't have both. Good luck with your decision, whatever that may be 🍀

OP, if I was your age and had been with my partner for several years I would be needing a firm answer about when he'll be ready. And if he can't give one I'd be moving on.

Yeah, I should have said that I was late 30s too. I don’t want it to look as if I was having a dig at Faintly. Nowt wrong with being pregnant at 35+. It’s not optimal is what I meant, and 33 definitely isn’t young.

True. And if OP waits a year to see if her partner decides, then breaks up... She's got no time at all. Shit or get off the pot I think. And I had DD late.

How long have you been together and in what circs (living together, etc.)? If longer than a couple of years I would consider going it alone. Don't waste your fertile years on someone that doesn't want the same things as you.

No, 33 isn’t “very young” when it comes to pregnancy. You only think that because you were quite a bit older than average having your first.

Very few people want to be pregnant for the first time at 39. Understandably so.

Time to say goodbye to your current partner and go find someone who shares your priorities @Nooooom

33 is very young IMO. At that age I moved to London to work in TV. We moved back to my home city when I was 36 and and I had our first of two DCs at age 39.

Our decisions were all finance driven. I don't know your circumstances, but I wouldn't worry too much - you're partner probably just wants to be a bit better established first.

If you don't keep mentioning it and just focus on other things, he'll probably decide himself quite soon that he wants children.

At 33, if you really want children, you don’t have time to waste on someone who is on the fence about it especially if you’ve been together a while. I don’t want to scare you, but ttc might take longer than you think. You need to have a serious conversation about your future with this man and don’t be scared to stay just because you’re afraid of starting again.

Also you don’t need therapy, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have children at all.

I mean this kindly but have you had therapy? Sometimes desperately wanting a child "your whole life" (when you're still a young adult) means you want to mother someone in the way you wish you'd been mothered or you're trying to heal an inner wound. If anything at all resonates here, explore it before you potentially work through your emotional stuff as a mum.

This is a weird thing to say. It's very common to know you want to be a mother from a young age. Even my 5 year old the other say says he 'wants to be a daddy' when he grows up. Wanting to procreate is a very natural desire! I knew when I was young that I wanted a family. Not AT THAT EXACT MOMENT but I always knew I'd have kids if I could. I really don't think this means a person needs therapy!! 🤦‍♀️

Why isn't your partner ready? Have you not been together long or perhaps you're both in your twenties still? Is he definitely the one for you?

Based on this, he’s either future faking you or he’s trying to run your clock down so you can’t.

If he wanted children with you, he’d know.

I'm sorry, OP.

My life savings he won’t be ready ever…

I’ve just ready your other thread… you’ve been together several years!!

He should definitely know whether he wants to settle find by now.

I’d give it 6 months and if he’s still not ready then it’s time to move on.

How long have you been with your partner?

If it’s over 2/3 years then you need to be giving him an ultimatum.

Tell him that you want to be pregnant by this time next year and so you’ll give him until next …. and if he’s still not ready, then you’ll have no choice but to end the relationship.

If you were a couple years younger then I wouldn’t worry about giving him an ultimatum but unfortunately time isn’t on your side and if he’s never going to be ready then you need the time to find someone who is.

Op your feelings and wants are absolutely valid and at 33 you have every right to put having children very high on your agenda. You feel so low about it because you have no agency or control of the situation. It seems to be all about waiting for your partner. You need to take some control.

How often are you talking to your partner about this, does he realise how important it is to you? If not, that's your first step. If he does know but is still non-committal then your relationship is on shaky ground already, as either you're not on the same page about the future or he's not that interested in what you want, or both. I'd be giving him 6 months to make a decision - not necessarily to start trying, but a definite time frame for when you will (and not in five years' time...). Or else the relationship has to come to an end.

You don't need to get it out of your mind and start feeling happy. What you want matters too.

It's perfectly normal to want kids in your 30s. I would get him to commit to a time frame and make sure it is before you are 35. Not fertility scaremongering as I know this isn't actually a"cliff edge" but it gives you the best chance of having the number of children you want.
If he can't do this then you might have to accept you want different things.

How long have you been together? I had a pretty blunt conversation with DH when I was 27 and we’d been dating three years (and living together two) about being happy to be single again at 30 but not being up for being dumped at 35 because I eventually wanted DC. We got married a couple of years later then had DS1 a couple of years after that. DH will happily admit that he simply hadn’t done the maths that I was doing, working backwards.