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Original poster

Adult children moving home

136 replies

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 11:27

Anyone struggling with readjusting to adult children moving home after Uni?

Getting up at 14:30, ditching dishes in the sink, leaving washing in the machine for days, hair all over the bathroom, eating large amounts of food.

I am done with “parenting” someone and was enjoying living alone 🙈🙈🙈🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 15:00

I am not going to waste my time justifying myself to a stranger on the internet regarding 21 years of parenting my own child, and as to whether c I have met his needs, that in itself is highly insulting.

I have extensive knowledge of ASC and it is part of my job role to do so. That doesn’t mean that aside from that I can hold my own personal views while also towing the party line at work.

OP posts:
bullseyeboat · 27/10/2023 14:49

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 14:44

I think you are deliberately misunderstanding what I am saying tbh.

And I am confident my knowledge of my son’s individual circumstances is far greater than yours.

Your posts say otherwise.

I wasn't saying to it have a go btw, I was hopeful you would recognise his needs. If you never have it's no surprise he is struggling with the transition into independent adulthood.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 14:44

I think you are deliberately misunderstanding what I am saying tbh.

And I am confident my knowledge of my son’s individual circumstances is far greater than yours.

OP posts:
bullseyeboat · 27/10/2023 14:33

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:51

He isn’t disabled. He chose not to complete the diagnosis process as he didn’t want to be “labelled”. He would have easily been diagnosed though, Dr told me so herself. But officially he is not disabled.

I think you have a huge lack of understanding regarding autism.

If he would easily meet the criteria for diagnosis he also meets the definition of disabled.

So many kids/teens/young adults are being failed by this attitude Sad

2jacqi · 27/10/2023 14:08

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

you sound extremely bitter??????? I take it you cannot afford to buy a home for yourself?

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/10/2023 14:05

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

a) How many times have you voted against your own interests?

b) “the older generations” don’t make up a majority of the electorate, and a good proportion of them don’t vote for “the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets” so the younger generations must accept a share of the blame.

BigBoysDontCry · 27/10/2023 14:03

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:49

He and his gf were together for 6 years and lived at uni together and the plan was to save some money by both living with parents for a while as she wants to do a PHD but about a month ago it emerged that they have split up, but he doesn’t want to discuss it with me (or his dad).

He's possibly in a low mood situation too then. That won't be helping anything either.

I think getting some structure in place with him (easier said than done I know) will be beneficial in the long term.

I wish you both the best, I don't think it's as simple as "adult moves home and behaves like grotty teen".

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 14:03

It was his choice not to be formally diagnosed. If I ever refer to it he gets very irritated with me.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/10/2023 14:02

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:20

This thread wasn’t remotely about politics 😏

That didn't stop someone trying to derail it at the earliest opportunity.

Gerrataere · 27/10/2023 14:01

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:51

He isn’t disabled. He chose not to complete the diagnosis process as he didn’t want to be “labelled”. He would have easily been diagnosed though, Dr told me so herself. But officially he is not disabled.

Just because it’s not written on a piece of paper doesn’t stop the reality of autism. It is a disability, and choosing not to recognise that will only cause longterm issues for him and you. It’s like refusing to accept you have poor eyesight and insisting on driving an Audi, you’re eventually going to crash…

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 14:00

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:51

He isn’t disabled. He chose not to complete the diagnosis process as he didn’t want to be “labelled”. He would have easily been diagnosed though, Dr told me so herself. But officially he is not disabled.

If he has not got a diagnosis because he chose not to have a label, that would ultimately have helped him have accommodations made for him, then you are right in thinking he will have to fit in with a NT world.

Tryanotheruser901 · 27/10/2023 13:59

I hear you @TheSlowRush I've had adult children coming and going for similar reasons. It's tough just getting your house back then boom! Them and all their clutter.

I can only suggest reminding him that he's and adult and setting out your expectations. It is hard. We have always said that we will be a safe place for them, but actively encourage* *them find alternative digs.

And DH and I know all about poverty, and struggling to cope with mortgages doubling overnight (looking at you, 1989!) So we help our young ones as often and as well as we can)

CloudPop · 27/10/2023 13:58

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:39

I think I am sad that I am being forced back into “parenting” him and I don’t want to.

I think that is entirely understandable. I can completely sympathise

caringcarer · 27/10/2023 13:53

My youngest moved out into his own house about 2 months ago. He comes home to see us each week, I notice it's on lasagne night, Wednesdays. He also sometimes pops over to tumble dry his clothes as he hasn't got a tumble dryer yet. He comes over on a Friday occasionally to have a takeaway with us which DH kindly pays for. I love having him back even if only for 2-3 hours. I often bake some cakes for him to take home with him. If he made any kind of mess he'd clean it up after himself.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:51

He isn’t disabled. He chose not to complete the diagnosis process as he didn’t want to be “labelled”. He would have easily been diagnosed though, Dr told me so herself. But officially he is not disabled.

OP posts:
roarrfeckingroar · 27/10/2023 13:50

@Antst bore off. This is about the OP's situation not our housing stock.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:49

He and his gf were together for 6 years and lived at uni together and the plan was to save some money by both living with parents for a while as she wants to do a PHD but about a month ago it emerged that they have split up, but he doesn’t want to discuss it with me (or his dad).

OP posts:
AbbieLexie · 27/10/2023 13:47

I feel your pain today! Unfortunately I don't have any solutions. She does have a plan so I know its not forever.

bullseyeboat · 27/10/2023 13:45

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:39

I think I am sad that I am being forced back into “parenting” him and I don’t want to.

He is your disabled adult child and needs support.

BigBoysDontCry · 27/10/2023 13:43

TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:39

I think I am sad that I am being forced back into “parenting” him and I don’t want to.

I get that. He managed to be an adult while he was away and now behaving like a teenager.

Is he still with his girlfriend he was living with? DS2 been living with his for 3 years so wondering how that's going to work re moving home after uni.

NecklessMumster · 27/10/2023 13:43

Im struggling a bit with this too. DS worked initially at a MW job to save for a rent deposit after leaving uni. Then he stopped as the 12 hour shifts left him too tired to look for a graduate job 🙄 Now he says hes looking and is on 2nd and 3rd level of application processes .But I only have his word for this. He goes out late and gets up mid morning. He doesnt leave a mess, well his room is but i leave that to him. He vacuums etc when I ask. But not off his own bat. It's the minor irritations... wet bathmat, hair in plughole, worrying if he's ok out late. I cant decide what is reasonable, I was a slob at that age and I didnt want my mum to know anything about my life. Just get a job sooooon.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:39

I think I am sad that I am being forced back into “parenting” him and I don’t want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSlowRush · 27/10/2023 13:38

I just went into his room to ask him to bring his crockery down as I want to wash up and his room has plates, cups and rubbish in there and I know I will wash up for him then to ditch his piles of crockery him the clean side and he’s asleep and angry and grumpy. It’s 13:30 not 07:30.

OP posts:
Neriah · 27/10/2023 13:37

Antst · 27/10/2023 11:37

Welp, how did you vote? They can't afford their own places because the older generations have voted again and again and again for the party that has put unearned property wealth in their pockets. You will have benefitted at their expense! Having to put up with them for a while seems like a small price to pay.

This particular "older generation", like everyone she knows, did not vote EVER for that particular party. This particular "older generation" also grew up in poverty and had to earn every bloody thing she has ever had, which meant that she didn't get the luxury of deciding to stay in bed until the middle of the afternoon, because she had to work her way through university (even with grants) and every bloody year since. This particular "older generation" also didn't get to think that her parents were my personal slaves - if I'd acted like this posters children at the age of 6, never mind in my 20's, my thinking would have very quickly been corrected.

BigBoysDontCry · 27/10/2023 13:36

Neither of mine are neurotypical but they are also different to each other.

Elder is autistic and needs very specific instructions so he has a checklist of what he is supposed to do when, he still needs reminders and gets thrown from time to time.

Younger is dyspraxic (diagnosed) and probably adhd (undiagnosed).

He just needs chivved along as a checklist would be lost/destroyed/forgotten about.