Adult children moving home

@Exasperated1971 I know it's difficult but you need to read him the riot act and mean it. It's not fair on your daughter that she feels she can't come home and everyone is walking on egg shells. Do you move back in when they are both back?
By virtue although you get on better with your daughter you are treating your son with kid gloves and giving him preferential treatment. If he wants to live alone perhaps it's time he moved out?

Quick rundown:
I live with my partner whilst my adult son (23) lives alone in my house a few miles away. He is a uni student and pays me minimum rent everytime he gets his student loan. I pay for rest of bills. He is very difficult to live with.
my daughter (22) lives 100 miles away at uni also. Her and her brother do not get on AT ALL. She comes back for a few days during breaks and stays in my house with her brother. Yesterday he had a massive meltdown because she used ‘his’ bowl. I spent N hour calming him down, I’ve never seen him so upset. He said she’s impossible to live with. I honestly can’t see how, she speaks her mind but so does he. They both say I treat each differently - if I’m being honest I get on much better with my daughter, and it breaks my heart to see her upset. She says she feels she has no home when she comes back from uni. She can stay with me and my partner for. Few days here and there but his flat is very small. ( I can’t swap with my son as it’s too far from our work and also it’s against our tenancies). I am torn in all directions and affecting my mental health.

They probably learned this slob behaviour from other friends at uni unfortunately you have to get it out of them. I would be upset as well and who gets up at 14.30 unless they are hungover

He's not a child.

Dogs and kids are for life, not just for Christmas (or 18 years). Chronological age is of no help here I’m afraid. I would demand help with every task you undertake from 2.30 until you go to bed. If he works out that you mean it, he will work out that him being useful frees you up to help out, instead of standing over him. I would back this up with the threat of move out if you refuse. I wouldn’t try to dictate bedtimes - it’s too hard, which means wake up times will stay as they are - you can’t get a job for him. Maybe buy food as and when you need it, and ask him to contribute to the cost from his Jobseeker’s Allowance. Bummer I know, but the alternative is carry on as you are.

Our daughter moved back in from Uni last year. Her elder sister can't afford to move out and spends most of her time here with her boyfriend these days So we went from a quiet house with just us two, cheap takeaways, cheap meals out, fairly tidy house, less washing, lower bills, to at least 4 or 5 adults here most of the time with all the extra expense. Knock on effect is we also can't afford the holidays and time away we'd like to take at our time of life.

I myself moved out when I was 21 but kids can't afford it these days, much as they'd love to. I've recently insisted on both girls paying lodge (not much but it's the principle) and I'm always seen to be nagging them to clean up after themselves. My opinion being 'if they just did it; I wouldn't have to nag!'

It is what it is, it's not their fault, I'm resigned to it now 😂

😂

Come on, ducky. Virtually no one in previous generations walked out of uni and into a owned flat/ house of their own! My first place after two degrees and with a decent graduate trainee job was a small room in a shared flat which was heated by a single bar gas fire ( no cardboxes though!)

Don't enable it further. Tell them to tidy up, do their own washing and ironing,
and help with cooking, or tell them to find other lodgings pdq.

wow... assuming much. Assuming that OP owns property, assuming that OP has benefitted from selling property, insinuating that OP has contributed to the tangent you've gone off on one...

You might want to give your shoulder a wipe, there seems to be a mahoosive chip there ..

You need to teach them to tidy up, otherwise they are not going to be a very popular flat mate at uni!

Both my DC are neuro diverse. One officially diagnosed at 17. The other was resistant until he finished uni and his communication and social anxiety made finding a job impossible. He was diagnosed privately at 22.

However it does make you look at yourself and their dad and it explains a lot....

Actually, you have no idea of why her son has lived home. It could be nothing to do with affordable housing or lack of.

Hereditary,even

It's heritary, autism ...so many young people struggling with autism. ,and then you hear about inflexible parents incapable of helping them
Hummm ,wonder where his autism comes from op .

Lol you're miles out and demonstrated a comprehensive misunderstanding of U.K. party politics ... but you've obviously picked up some soundbites from the less educated corners of social media that fit your narrative, so I guess at least you're trying 😂😂

My suggestion is to have his own things like an airer, dsd has a cupboard for her personal food and strictish rules over informing us re eating dinner with us, overnight guests and meals for them, letting us know if she will be home etc. she is neurodiverse so rules are important to establish boundaries we can all live with

Perhaps encorage him to get a full time job, let him save up for a year before moving out. He could rent a room or bedsit by himself. Might teach him to be more tidy. The more you do for him, the more he will expect. I would have asked him to bring down his plates/mugs and wash them all.

Switch the WiFi off, stick his wet clothes on the floor, don't buy food he likes. Tell him when he can behave like an adult he'll be treated like one. Charge him rent which he pays or the heating goes off. Can't afford it? Get a job, any job.

Okayyyy so there is a remarkable lack of understanding by some about Asc on this post.
For example, washing my child just doesn't understand the need, the time wasted, he forgets, needs constant reminders. He often can't as he can't tolerate the noise of the water, the feel of it on his skin, he can't find the right towel or it isn't the right time of day. He wants to put on the same clothes after as they are comfy & the clean ones don't feel right today or he wants you to wash them immediately so he can have them straight back.
Op your son is obviously able to function better day to day than mine, but have you considered that rubbish in his room might be part of a comfort that he needs?
Or that he can't put the plate in the dish washer because other people's plates are in there? Some days my son can rinse his plates but others he can't & he can't if someone else has left something in the sink. Just some possibilities or things to consider. I hope you find a solution that works for both of you

Talk about self entitled, grow up take some responsibility.

FFS, what a stupid, ignorant reply.

Yeah that tells me everything I need to know… Jeez

That doesn’t mean he isn’t disabled. Sorry OP but you have a weird take on Autism and supporting your son. If he didn’t go through the full process he may also have ADHD which makes all of these things even harder.

If he isn’t even supported at home how is he going to learn to cope outside? Home should be a safe space to be yourself. That doesn’t mean behave in considerately but it does mean working together to implement strategies for living in a way you are both happy with. Not just being nagged at for things he has no hope in hell of doing successfully in an NT way.

And he is handling a big break up too. Cut him some slack and yes keep your eye out for depression. It can be common with neurodiversity too.