Friend had a baby & friendship has changed

A 2 hour trip with a 3 month old baby is a complete faff.

If baby is breastfed she can't leave baby for more than 2-3 hours a a time.

She's probably completely sleep deprived.

Your expectations of her are completely unrealistic. Don't be hurt. Be understanding.

I agree with this - almost none of my friendships survived, unfortunately.

I hope for a better result for you - the fact that you’ll both be mums will probably make a huge difference.

Her baby is less than 3 months old. With ds at that point I was lucky if I got to the local Tesco and back without him having a liquid poonami or projectile vomiting across the car.

She may well be surviving on a couple of hours sleep per night, and not really fit to drive. I was also leaking milk at that point and felt awkward in public.

If she had a difficult birth, she may not be physically comfortable driving yet.

I don't mean to put you off, but the first four months can be very difficult & messy.

Perhaps cut her some slack and arrange to meet just before Christmas

When your friend says "My baby is so good" you have to translate this into "Fucking hell I'm only just hanging on but at least she sleeps for four hours at a time so I'm not totally insane". The more often she says her baby is good the more likely she's just incredulous that they're all still alive.
Slack, cut! You'll get it soon.

Also - people don't go on about how easy their baby is if they really are that easy, tbh.

A baby is a baby at that age - it’s all mindblowingly hard even if the baby is ‘easy’!

Mate.... You've absolutely no idea what is coming, have you? Your friend's life has completely and utterly changed. Develop your social circle in the meantime. She'll emerge from the newborn fog in her own time.

I have a 3 month old and wouldn't want to drive 2 hours to someone's house, stay an hour and then drive another 2 hours home. I chat to my best friend on the phone because we don't live near each other.

Can't you call her? Or arrange a video call?

Her life's changed, as will yours - I'd suggest trying to adapt, accepting that some things will be different/more difficult for a while because of the new circumstances.

The answer is see her at weekends if you’re too tight on time in the week due to work.

My only opinion is that many people became obsessed with their babies. This is normal. They also think the whole world revolves around the baby. This also normal.

I find this a bit unfair - I don't think it's usually that people are obsessed with their babies, I think it's more common that they're all consumed by how exhausted they are by their babies.

My only opinion is that many people became obsessed with their babies. This is normal. They also think the whole world revolves around the baby. This also normal.

As the other poster said, it’s a bit shit to drive all the way there to have so little time with her.

May I make a suggestion? I’m much older and had my child a long time ago.
Before texting became a thing it was phone calls and visits. I myself have succumbed to the texts, occasional phone chats and visits.

While you are pregnant and she still has a very young baby,you should suggest regular phone chats as a way to keep up to date. I warn you though, she will only want to talk about her baby, or tell you all about her own pregnancy. This normal.

Text her to tell her you want to chat (even say you have some good news?) I do this with my Dd as she is much busier than me. When you do call her/she calls you, tell her about your pregnancy and go from there.

Once friends have kids I just expect to lose them. They may come back in a few years but they get trapped in a self-focused bubble for a while. I also avoid new mums myself due to recurrent losses so I don’t make the effort either (but my friends do know this and understand). It’s a phase of life thing but basically not all friendships last forever! It does mean the ones that do last are really special though.

The focus for the first three months is keeping everyone alive. Literally 100 percent goes into that. You'll understand once you've been through it. She's just working it all out at the moment. Give her time. The great thing is that she'll be a big source of knowledge and support when it's your turn- even if just via video calls and messages in the short term.

Congrats on your pregnancy OP! Please revisit this thread in approx 8 months time lol. Her baby is only 3 months! She's still in the thick of post-partum adjustment, baby's sleep likely won't have settled, it's a huge life and body change to adapt to. I didn't leave the local area for at least 3 months after mine was born, I was exhausted and overwhelmed, so everyone came to me every time no questions asked and they always brought food and presents as well. I am so lucky for all my lovely friends (some parents themselves, some not) and they mean a lot to me so it made a huge difference having them there. I wouldn't have been massively impressed if any of them had lacked understanding at that point or centred their own feelings. Births, weddings, big birthdays, babies, big job changes or family issues or bereavements or health issues etc - there are times when it's important to prioritise your friends. It's important friends prioritise you back when you need it too.

I say this kindly but if you can't give grace and compassion at this point in her life you wouldn't be much of a friend. I do get the dilemma with announcing your pregnancy but I would reframe it internally as telling a good friend about a pregnancy is a lovely happy experience and you don't want to turn it into something to get annoyed about in your head. Why do that to yourself? x

OP - the first year is pretty intense. I didn’t leave my DD with anyone until she was 18 months old and was breastfeeding most of this time. If she’s your friend then cut her some slack. You will know what it’s like once you have your baby.

Tough one. Her baby is still very young and finding the energy (or being awake enough) to drive too far or make plans too far in advance is a challenge.
It was however very rude of her to arrange other plans after only an hour of you being there when you had driven so far to see her. I’d be very upset by that.
Take a small step back from the friendship for a while. Keep in touch but you probably won’t see each other as often for a while. Maybe switch to video chats? Once your babies are a bit bigger you may be able to see each other a bit more.

You will understand when you have your baby 💜
My Dd had comic for the first almost 3 months, it was horrendous, that plus trying to breastfeed, being sleep deprived, getting used to a new life etc…you’re just hanging on for dear life at times. There’s no way I would have driven for an hour. A nice thing would be to go up and see her on a weekend day

I just think generally that when people say the friendship changed, it's both parties that contributed to it, not just one. Just takes a little change in the energy from one and reciprocated on the other side, until there is no friendship left. Women seem to be especially bad at this as our lives change - one has a partner/the other doesn't, one has a job they love/the other doesn't, one has a baby/ the other doesn't, and each one thinks the other won't understand their situation, instead of realising you are both different people at the end of the day and can't be everything for everyone.

The above is also a note for myself!

YABU and you'll only realise this once your own baby has arrived and you'll be mortified for thinking this way! Your friend's priorities have completely changed, her baby is still tiny. You live 2 hours away, you need to make the effort to go see her right now or just arrange a phone call every so often. The distance is just too far once you've had a baby.

I think friendships do change when kids come along but this one is totally salvageable because you will soon be in the same boat. I doubt she is doing any of this on purpose. For some people having a baby is a bit like being hit by a truck, it is utterly life changing.

I were you I would send her a message like this. 'Dear friend, how are you doing? I really missing catching up with you often but between new motherhood and my crazy job it's a logistical nightmare. Anyway, I have some exciting news to share, are you free to meet up halfway any time soon? Even just for a quick cuppa, I'd love to catch up in person x'

Then I think you need to accept that given the distance and the demands on her time and soon yours, your friendship might need to change a little. Maybe when you are on maternity leave you can create some new routines like a monthly Mum and baby catch up day, or maybe even weekly. Find a play cafe or park halfway. Congratulations by the way!

Priorities change with a baby and once a baby is the centre of the parents universe quite rightly, it can be hard for parents to see that their child isn't the centre of all their friends universe.

Honestly kids do that to friendships especially to ones that aren't local, its not like you can just pop by for a tea and a check in.

I didn't drive due to illness the whole of my pregnancy so getting back into the car with a baby who was crying was terrifying and stressful for me, even now at almost 2 we try and plan longer car journeys around naps.

Your friend has no right to be upset about when you chose to share news, frankly is nothing to do with her. So shut any comments down regarding that.

If you want to maintain the friendship I'd suggest booking a Saturday catch up every few months well in advance and chances are some of those will get cancelled from both sides now that you are starting a family. Even offer to meet via train so takes cars out completely but again this has its own problems.

I hope your friendship endures but in all honesty it will probably have to change and effort from both sides over next couple of years but think of the weekends away together with you and your little ones once they are older, yearly trips and things lovely