Page 6 | I pay for everything in relationship

Mydogisamentalist · 2023-10-26T08:25:37+00:00

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate. He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder… Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that! Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up. This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both. I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me. We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth. He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort. I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

adriftinadenofvipers · 27/10/2023 12:41

Do you realise how defensive and ridiculous that sounds?

Why did you even bother posting? You are clearly not taking any advice on board. You are clearly going to carry on letting yourself be used.

Why can’t he get a second job? Plenty of people do.

Those must be pretty substantial fines! Whatever they are for, they speak volumes as to his character.

hwaclanhdead · 27/10/2023 12:34

Some are debts, others are fines

Fines for what?
Obviously you don't want to say because it's "outing" but have a think about what those fines are for and what it says about his character.

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 12:13

He's entitled alright, @Mydogisamentalist, but not in the way you seem to think.

It is morally repugnant to be spending money on frivolous stuff like you describe and then using food banks. Whether he is technically "entitled" to use them or not.

Original poster

Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 12:03

Why not? Why not see if he'll put his money where his mouth is before you go away?

Because I know he would actually do it. I’m not defending his behaviour but I know exactly what he’s like. He keeps his word on what he’s agreed to do and if he agrees or offers something he will do it. I’ve never been concerned about him paying for things that he’s agreed to in advance. I worry when there’s been no arrangement and it’s a case of see if he offers on the night.

He isn’t quite what’s been made out on this thread but I can see how people have got there. Yes he can be thoughtful. If he pops in the shop on the way to seeing me he will pick up my favourite chocolate. If he’s running in somewhere and I ask for a drink he’ll get it, no issues. If we have arranged to see each other and I don’t want to spend money that week and he’s completely skint he brings his dog and we will take the dogs on a long walk through the woods.

With the food bank situation he is genuinely entitled. They did an income and expenditure assessment with him before they issued vouchers. I do know why he’s in the situation he’s in, it would be very outing for me to explain what his debts are and why he’s paying them at the rate he is. Some are debts, others are fines. I do also know that the bulk of the more difficult ones will be paid by the end of January.

I’m still angry about the birthday card last year. I’m angry at him for a lot of things that happened last year which he has apologised 100 times over for. It doesn’t make it right but only a Time Machine could do that.

OP posts:

goody2shooz · 27/10/2023 11:59

@Mydogisamentalist you say your dc don’t go without. But they are missing out on you being present for them cos you’re so obsessed with this loser. The money you waste on him could be going into a savings account for their future, not being soaked up by SpongeBob Sore Arms.

DriftingDora · 27/10/2023 11:52

gamerchick · 27/10/2023 11:33

I am actually expecting a thread in a few months complaining he's moved in by stealth and is taking the piss tbh.

OP, do you know why you want to hang on to this bloke? If you knew that you might be able to unpick it.

It's pathetic the excuses and evasions the OP is coming up with. This bloke must be laughing his head off, probably his family are too, because as you say, sooner or later she'll allow him to move in and they'll be well rid. OP says her kids don't go without'.....hmm, I wonder. Does she have access to Rishi Sunak's bank account by any chance?

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2023 11:45

He has also offered to pay for some of the costs I’ve already incurred but I haven’t taken him up on that

Why not? Why not see if he'll put his money where his mouth is before you go away?

DriftingDora · 27/10/2023 11:44

Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 10:02

@DriftingDora really? Can you not make assumptions about what my plans are.

I would like to point out that my children do not go without anything. They are very lucky and have fabulous birthdays/ Christmas/ holidays. One to one swimming lessons and have never known what it’s like to be hungry or not clothed properly.

I am listening and reading all the replies. I have spoken to him. He has assured me that he plans to pay for everything this weekend. He has also promised there will be a birthday card and gift. I won’t count my chickens until the weekend has passed… if those things don’t transpire and I end up paying this weekend then there will be some very difficult conversations Monday morning. He has also offered to pay for some of the costs I’ve already incurred but I haven’t taken him up on that. As I said I’m not 1000% convinced so we shall see…

I notice you conveniently don't mention the fact that he takes from food banks - you must be so proud of him! What a catch!

As for the 'difficult conversations', I bet one of them won't be "there's the door, loser - get through it".

Wiglio · 27/10/2023 11:37

So you’ve had a conversation and he’s paying for this weekend, if you hadn’t initiated the conversation I assume you would be paying?
I’d cut and run, how can you want a relationship with this?

gamerchick · 27/10/2023 11:33

I am actually expecting a thread in a few months complaining he's moved in by stealth and is taking the piss tbh.

OP, do you know why you want to hang on to this bloke? If you knew that you might be able to unpick it.

hwaclanhdead · 27/10/2023 11:27

JFT · 27/10/2023 11:03

Concentrate on your life and your children.

I don't think you can comprehend just how pathetic what you've written is. When it's got to the point that you have to sit someone down and detail what you want from them and if they don't do it there'll be 'difficult conversations'... it's already not working. You're not his mum. You're not his school teacher. You sound like you're talking about a child.

You sound so needy, it's pathetic, sorry but it is. Kick this loser to the kerb and get on with your life. What's to even think about? It's not working. I hasn't worked.

But you're going to keep bashing away at it trying to make him be different than he really is and trying to change him. Forget it!

Show quote history

Agree 100%
If you have to sit him down and explain that he needs to pay towards your birthday treat etc, then it's already over. It's absolutely pathetic.

Also agree that you are going to keep bashing away trying to make him different.
And as I said upthread, this loser will soon have an "accommodation emergency" (you've said he's living in a sort of "unwanted lodger" situation). It really won't be long until the people he is living with want rid of him (or he'll claim they do) and he'll be in with you in no time. I can 100% guarantee it.

Well done, you got yourself a cocklodger. See you in ca. 6 months on your next thread when he's eating you out of house and home, constantly taking long showers because he's not paying the bills and lounging around with his feet up on the sofa you paid for, possibly having also somehow magically lost his job.

He's a parasite

JFT · 27/10/2023 11:03

Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 10:02

@DriftingDora really? Can you not make assumptions about what my plans are.

I would like to point out that my children do not go without anything. They are very lucky and have fabulous birthdays/ Christmas/ holidays. One to one swimming lessons and have never known what it’s like to be hungry or not clothed properly.

I am listening and reading all the replies. I have spoken to him. He has assured me that he plans to pay for everything this weekend. He has also promised there will be a birthday card and gift. I won’t count my chickens until the weekend has passed… if those things don’t transpire and I end up paying this weekend then there will be some very difficult conversations Monday morning. He has also offered to pay for some of the costs I’ve already incurred but I haven’t taken him up on that. As I said I’m not 1000% convinced so we shall see…

Concentrate on your life and your children.

I don't think you can comprehend just how pathetic what you've written is. When it's got to the point that you have to sit someone down and detail what you want from them and if they don't do it there'll be 'difficult conversations'... it's already not working. You're not his mum. You're not his school teacher. You sound like you're talking about a child.

You sound so needy, it's pathetic, sorry but it is. Kick this loser to the kerb and get on with your life. What's to even think about? It's not working. I hasn't worked.

But you're going to keep bashing away at it trying to make him be different than he really is and trying to change him. Forget it!

Laurdo · 27/10/2023 11:02

Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 10:02

@DriftingDora really? Can you not make assumptions about what my plans are.

I would like to point out that my children do not go without anything. They are very lucky and have fabulous birthdays/ Christmas/ holidays. One to one swimming lessons and have never known what it’s like to be hungry or not clothed properly.

I am listening and reading all the replies. I have spoken to him. He has assured me that he plans to pay for everything this weekend. He has also promised there will be a birthday card and gift. I won’t count my chickens until the weekend has passed… if those things don’t transpire and I end up paying this weekend then there will be some very difficult conversations Monday morning. He has also offered to pay for some of the costs I’ve already incurred but I haven’t taken him up on that. As I said I’m not 1000% convinced so we shall see…

Honestly, it's quite sad that you've had to confirm that he intends to treat you on your birthday and buy a card. I don't have to say a thing to my DH about my birthday because I know he will plan something amazing and treat me off his own back and be happy to do so.

Even if he follows your birthday requests it doesn't really change the fact that he's pretty thoughtless and will continue to be a financial drain on you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/10/2023 10:58

As I said earlier it's actions that count, words are cheap
You shouldn't need to tell a boyfriend you need him to pay his way or buy you a birthday card!!
He has no love care or respect for you, let alone common kindness
I know the saying " Love is blind" but FGS open your eyes, and dump him
Single life is good and you should be prioritising your own DC
You are literally paying for his company!!!

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 10:56

He will pay out a bit more this weekend to keep you strung along, and then gradually go back into his old habits.

if those things don’t transpire and I end up paying this weekend then there will be some very difficult conversations Monday morning.

Why are you so desperate to keep hold of him that that wouldn't just be the end of it?

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 10:51

The best way I can put it is he’s like anunwanted lodger. He’s not living with close family and it’s not a nice situation to be in.

Be careful that when the person who he's currently lodging with gets tired of him he doesn't come to you for "temporary" accommodation and all the associated expenditure, including what you're currently spending on him.

This is a really good point @Mydogisamentalist . He is speaking disrespectfully about family members who are voluntarily giving him a roof over his head- that's pretty bad.

When they throw him out and he starts messaging you or turns up trying to get you to take him in, what're you going to do? (Please tell him to go to the council/a hostel to work on a long term solution for his housing needs if that happens.)

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 10:41

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/10/2023 10:37

He has assured me that he plans to pay for everything this weekend. He has also promised there will be a birthday card and gift. I won’t count my chickens until the weekend has passed … if those things don’t transpire and I end up paying this weekend then there will be some very difficult conversations Monday morning

What's diffficult about saying "sod off", and why would it need to be turned into "a conversation"?

Exactly this.

OP, why don't you have a rummage down the back of the sofa to see if you can find where you lost your self respect and say, "You know what, STBX boyfriend, you don't actually contribute anything positive to my life. You sponge off me constantly, you can't even get me a birthday card without me needing to extract a promise from you in writing beforehand, for some inexplicable reason you are using food banks even though you're sponging off a relative who doesn't even like you for cheap accommodation and sponging off me for everything else, and we haven't had sex in over a year. I'm not wasting any more of my time on a loser like you. Buh-bye!"

I hope you don't have a daughter, OP, because allowing this man to stay in your life is setting a terrible example.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/10/2023 10:37

He has assured me that he plans to pay for everything this weekend. He has also promised there will be a birthday card and gift. I won’t count my chickens until the weekend has passed … if those things don’t transpire and I end up paying this weekend then there will be some very difficult conversations Monday morning

What's diffficult about saying "sod off", and why would it need to be turned into "a conversation"?

PoppyFleur · 27/10/2023 10:32

@Mydogisamentalist His hand was too tired to write a birthday card? That excuse is so pathetic it must have hurt you dreadfully. You deserve more than what this man is offering.

This is not a partner in life, this is a child that has never grown up. Please, for the sake of your self esteem, sanity and bank balance, leave this excuse for a man and find someone who deserves you.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 27/10/2023 10:27

I have spoken to him. He has assured me that he plans to pay for everything this weekend. He has also promised there will be a birthday card and gift. I won’t count my chickens until the weekend has passed… if those things don’t transpire and I end up paying this weekend then there will be some very difficult conversations Monday morning

You know it’s not normal for someone to have to sit down their partner and explain they need to do something for their birthday, right? Especially given the context that you were in tears at the previous birthday. Even if he does pay for your birthday, does it really signal a change in him? Or has he just picked up that he needs to do something to keep you from ending things?

Testina · 27/10/2023 10:23

“I have spoken to him. He has assured me that he plans to pay for everything this weekend. He has also promised there will be a birthday card and gift”

Ugh. How can you have any respect for or even vague interest in a man that you had to tell to get you a card? 🤨

Why do you think him paying for things this weekend shows anything other than him realising his meal ticket has got wise to him.

Why haven’t you taken him up on the contribution towards costs incurred? Madness.

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 10:17

Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 10:02

@DriftingDora really? Can you not make assumptions about what my plans are.

I would like to point out that my children do not go without anything. They are very lucky and have fabulous birthdays/ Christmas/ holidays. One to one swimming lessons and have never known what it’s like to be hungry or not clothed properly.

I am listening and reading all the replies. I have spoken to him. He has assured me that he plans to pay for everything this weekend. He has also promised there will be a birthday card and gift. I won’t count my chickens until the weekend has passed… if those things don’t transpire and I end up paying this weekend then there will be some very difficult conversations Monday morning. He has also offered to pay for some of the costs I’ve already incurred but I haven’t taken him up on that. As I said I’m not 1000% convinced so we shall see…

OP are you really OK with him paying to take you out to restaurants and then using food banks?

Your children might not want for anything but the children of other people who need to use food banks most certainly do.

Your boyfriend is quite literally taking food out of the mouths of children living in poverty so that he can "treat" you on your birthday.

Original poster

Mydogisamentalist · 27/10/2023 10:02

@DriftingDora really? Can you not make assumptions about what my plans are.

I would like to point out that my children do not go without anything. They are very lucky and have fabulous birthdays/ Christmas/ holidays. One to one swimming lessons and have never known what it’s like to be hungry or not clothed properly.

I am listening and reading all the replies. I have spoken to him. He has assured me that he plans to pay for everything this weekend. He has also promised there will be a birthday card and gift. I won’t count my chickens until the weekend has passed… if those things don’t transpire and I end up paying this weekend then there will be some very difficult conversations Monday morning. He has also offered to pay for some of the costs I’ve already incurred but I haven’t taken him up on that. As I said I’m not 1000% convinced so we shall see…

OP posts:

DriftingDora · 27/10/2023 09:37

I think it's more than likely that the OP will carry on paying for this loser who takes from food banks whilst having enough money to pay for things he wants to buy. What about her own kids' wants? Disgusting behaviour from both of them and sadly it shows yet again how desperate some women are for a bloke, any bloke, however crappy.

Tarquina · 27/10/2023 09:34

When you are a lovely, honest, decent, fair and loving person like the OP obviously is, you cannot conceive that there are people out there that can FAKE and LIE and MANIPULATE and SPONGE without any conscience whatsoever.

Run.