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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 26/10/2023 09:58

I agree that you need to decide on if you can continue paying, or stop the nights out. My boyfriend has recently become disabled. So money is non existent (until ESA/PIP are awarded). But he does own his own house, which I stay in and when I was having building work done, it would have been a hotel if I wasn't with him. He pays for his car because and because I can't drive because of health issues, I benefit from that. It sounds as though he brings nothing to the table. It depends on what happened on your birthday and how long this will continue for.

AlohaRose · 26/10/2023 09:57

Well as long as you continue funding nights out and not even asking him to pay - why on earth didn't you tell him it was his turn to pay for the cinema last night? - then he can continue paying off his debts, eating from food banks, and yet still have a nice social life and nights away etc. He's on to a good thing there!

My initial question would be how he acquired these debts in the first place (and what they are for - it is things like council tax arrears, or more like credit card and catalogue debt? Also if he lives with family, yet is still relying on food banks to feed himself, how little is he actually earning?! Do you have any evidence from your relationship that once he pays these debts off he won't just build them up again?

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 26/10/2023 09:56

What do you get out of the relationship? Sex, company, an escort when needed socially? Are you getting your money's worth?

Ragwort · 26/10/2023 09:56

So many threads like this, it's depressing. A bright, hard working woman putting up with a loser like this? What are his good points?

And seriously why is he using a FB if he lives at home with his family? I'd love to know his entitlement to FB vouchers? Presumably he is young and fit and could work a few more hours? I volunteer at a FB and it's people like this that give FBs a bad image ... I am sure people who donate to FBs expect their contributions to used a little more wisely.

If my 'boyfriend' had to use a FB I would rather give him the cinema ticket money to buy essentials rather than taking him to the cinema Hmm.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/10/2023 09:51

Sleeplessinseattle234 · Today 09:33
**
I do understand. But to me dinner and a cinema trip are a lot of money. If he has none I’m not surprised he didn’t want to help out”

This. If he’s having to use food banks, he very obviously can’t afford nights out. You’ve a choice to make.

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/10/2023 09:51

Doesn't he have a job?

He sounds pathetic. A grown able bodied man using food banks!

TastelessMiserySand · 26/10/2023 09:51

When you said ge can find money for things if he really needs to, can you give an example? Are they big items or if he needs to pay a bill for example?
Either way, you sound like and I think you deserve far better than this treatment. Sending hugs x

molotovcupcakes · 26/10/2023 09:51

Sounds like my ex husband.
It ended up with him being a stay at home dad and I had to work.
Don’t make my mistake.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2023 09:51

He really saw you coming, op. There's a million things he could do to make an effort without using money, he just can't be bothered. You're there to bankroll his leisure time.

Cancel the hotel and dump this twat.

EVHead · 26/10/2023 09:49

What happened on your birthday last year?

ElleCapitaine · 26/10/2023 09:48

How much debt does he have that it’s made him practically destitute? That would be my worry. He lives at home and uses food banks - does he work? You say he has enough if he really wants something. I’m wondering if he has a habit of some sort - gambling/drugs - that means he appears to have no spare cash. I think you’ve got yourself a cocklodger who has shown his hand a bit too early.

Janieforever · 26/10/2023 09:48

If you want him to pay say something, stop just doing it and offering.

however if he’s so poor he can’t even feed himself and he needs to use food banks and live with his mum and dad, I’m not really sure what you’re hoping for. It would be better for him to pay to feed himself than a cinema ticket or dinner out.

barbarahunter · 26/10/2023 09:46

He's a tight git and he is using you. I bet he's salting away a nice little amount of his own money every month. Get rid.

Bananalanacake · 26/10/2023 09:44

Don't move in with him, you will end up paying for everything.

IamSmarticus · 26/10/2023 09:44

To be honest, if he is that skint he is needing to use foodbanks, he isn't going to be able to fork out for meals out or cinema tickets. Same for hotels/travel/activites/birthday presents. Then again, should have said that he couldn't afford to go.

How close is he to paying off his debts, how much longer is this situation likely to go on for?

smldnlove · 26/10/2023 09:43

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t put up with this at all. He is clearing his debts and just growing yours. If he doesn’t have any money he should refuse to do any of these days and nights out if he is unable to afford them.

I think the communication is missing here and that’s something both of you need to do better on. He needs to communicate what is financially realistic for him and what isn’t and you need to communicate what you expect to be paying for and what you don’t - if you don’t you’ll only be miserable

BarbaraofSeville · 26/10/2023 09:42

Clearing debts is good, but not to the point you’re relying on food banks. To me it’s a sign that he can’t manage money. He should be able to live while still prioritising debts

This. No formal debt management arrangement will expect people to skimp on food while paying off debt. If he's not had advice on his debts, he should get help with putting together a sustainable budget that covers all his essential living costs and a small amount of discretionary spending, because that's what he would be advised by CAB or similar.

Currently, you're effectively paying off his debts for him, by covering some of his other costs, which of course you shouldn't need to do.

singlemum93 · 26/10/2023 09:40

YANBU. In my opinion he knows exactly what he is doing especially hanging back and going to the loo etc. I understand he might be embarrassed if he doesn't have the money but he should say he can't afford to go if he cannot pay for himself. Depending on his age etc why is he using food bank vouchers if living with family and does he have a job? How was the relationship when you first met? And why is he in so much debt? Sorrry OP but this relationship doesn't sound great. We've all made unwise decisions but it definitely sounds like he's taking advantage here.

Sleeplessinseattle234 · 26/10/2023 09:39

@Helpisneeded100 having been there myself that is very hard to do and extremely embarrassing. As a one off yes. But on a continuous basis no. I have know a few couples where they have a very different scale of wages and it has always caused conflict. I’m not saying what he did was right. But saying no I cannot go as I don’t have the money is mortifying.

Lammveg · 26/10/2023 09:39

I mean if he's skint and using food banks he's not going to have much disposable income.

If its important to you that you each pay for stuff then you might just not be able to make this relationship work at present.

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 26/10/2023 09:38

Is this the life you want? What do you get out of this relationship? If this were my relationship, I would feel very resentful.

He has shown you who he is - believe him.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 09:37

Where did you meet him? Surely he took you out in the beginning? Wined and dined you?

Doubleespresso23 · 26/10/2023 09:35

Clearing debts is good, but not to the point you’re relying on food banks. To me it’s a sign that he can’t manage money. He should be able to live while still prioritising debts. I also absolutely agree you shouldn’t be paying for everything but if he’s trying to clear debt he could at least plan a movie night in or cook a dinner for you. As you said it’s the gesture. I think he’s got used to you paying and not having to put the effort in and imo it’s the kind of behaviour that will continue if it’s not “nipped in the bud” so to speak. Xx

Helpisneeded100 · 26/10/2023 09:35

@Sleeplessinseattle234 that is fair enough but then he should say sorry I can’t afford to go not take advantage of the op.

Helpisneeded100 · 26/10/2023 09:33

Hi Op,

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I’m sorry but I feel your boyfriend is taking advantage of you. It is not your responsibility to help him clear his debts, which you are inadvertently doing as you are funding his social life. Equally, if he doesn’t have a lot of money as he is focusing on clearing his debts, I wouldn’t expect him to pay for you. What really should be happening is your boyfriend should be paying for himself and if he can’t afford it then he can’t go to the activity, whether that’s the cinema, pub, night out or away.

It’s ok to put yourself first, perhaps your boyfriend isn’t in the right place right not for a relationship. You are not being selfish or materialistic by not paying for your boyfriend all of the time. I could understand perhaps once a month but not every time.

I would throw this one back, especially if he really upset you last birthday. Why not take a friend away for your birthday th is year?