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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/10/2023 11:02

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:01

I’m very torn because I can see both sides. I grew up with parents not having much money. Empty cupboards, not having clothes replaced quite as often as needed etc. I’m very aware that if you don’t have the money you can’t magic it out of thin air.
I do find though, that if an emergency bill comes up or if he absolutely desperately needs something he can find the money somehow. From my experiences of being skint that’s not how it worked. When I’ve been hard up in the past there were no back ups. It was go without.

He wasn’t quite as bad at the beginning but I still paid for a lot more. I have legitimate fears about this weekend because there have been previous nights away where I did end up paying for everything. Actually I don’t think he’s ever really full on treated me. He’s paid for meals out here and there but I’ve still always picked up the bigger cost. I don’t think it’s ever happened where we’ve gone out and he’s paid for everything like I did last night.

I love him. I really do and I don’t doubt that he feels the same way. I guess I really wanted him to make this birthday up to me for the shit show that was last year. I’m not feeling hopeful he’s going to do that and it’s making me sad and anxious before I’ve even gone.

Please don’t waste another year with your birthday being a let down .
I suggest this . Ask him f he can transfer his share of the weekend away just now. Tell Him
you need to know what’s what as you have spent a lot of money.

You will get money or some sort reason /excuse then at least you will knows where you stand. If he can’t afford it telL him you can’t afford to pay for you both and shouldn’t have to as it’s your birthday, so you will need to take a friend.
Tell him he can sort something separately Dow you birthday or NOT

gamerchick · 26/10/2023 11:01

He's a leech and you're letting him. I'm not sure what you want us to say.

Dump him, there isn't a future there and take someone else away for your special day.

We get treated the way we allow. It's up to you.

Neodymium · 26/10/2023 11:01

Does he have a job? I know people who are always saying they are broke and have no money and then getting others to pay for them. They generally have no money cause they sock it all away in savings. I think your boyfriend is just a tight arse. My bil is like that. Always crying poor, saying can’t afford stuff. If we have stuff we don’t want that they need we just give it to them. But he never gives anything away. When dh left his ex with nothing but a bag of clothes, his sister offered him an old double bed. When he went to collect it bil wanted paying for it. Sil was so embarrassed as it was pretty crappy bed.

horseyhorsey17 · 26/10/2023 11:01

God, just dump him!

PrinnyPree · 26/10/2023 10:59

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

He didn't write you a card because his arm hurt, that has to be the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard in my life.

As others have said you can still make an effort if you're broke, writing sweet notes, arranging walks and days out to free or inexpensive places. Nice massages, cooking for you and genuinely making a fuss of you when at home together. He can't even be fucked doing the bare minimum. You shouldn't be having an anxiety attack over how shit your boyfriend will probanly treat you for your birthday THAT YOU'RE PAYING FOR.

Seriously you can do much better than this wannabe cocklodging piss taker. At least you don't have kids, you could literally tell him where to stick it, block him and move on tomorrow.

Take a friend with you and have a lovely birthday OP and find someone better. He ain't it. X

paintingvenice · 26/10/2023 10:58

Been there, done that. Believe me it never gets better. The most you might get when you tell him it’s over is a promise that things will change, a nice treat to convince you not to end the gravy train, and then things going back to normal after a few weeks.

Eddielizzard · 26/10/2023 10:58

Seems to be not really about money, but lack of effort. Obvs if he has no money he doesn't have it. But he's not thinking of ways to make up for his part is he? He could make you something. Take you somewhere. He could cook. How hard is it?

Given your very disparate earnings and his ease at getting you to pick up the bill, I don't see much of a future.

Not being able to write in your card? Come on.

LumpyPumpkin · 26/10/2023 10:57

Why are you going on so many dates that cost money? If you do stuff together that's cheap or free it would relieve the financial pressure from you both and ease your resentment.

Is he the one suggesting these dates or is it you?

Also, RE cinema, get yourself on Compare The Market, buy a travel insurance policy for 1 day for UK for £1 or £2 and you have 2 for 1 cinema for a year. Vue tickets are very cheap if you have one of them near you. Think £5 if you book online.

I can understand why you feel like you do but I do think it's silly to expect someone who uses food banks to be paying for extravagances like nights away and cinema trips.

SherlockStones · 26/10/2023 10:57

You deserve much better than this OP I hope you see all these messages and take heed

This relationship with this 'man' will bring you nothing but pain and misery.

HermioneWeasley · 26/10/2023 10:57

You don’t love him, you love an idea. He’s a selfish user and you deserve better.

another person voting for you to dump him

Livinghappy · 26/10/2023 10:56

He said his arm hurt too much to write it

That has to be the most pathetic lie ever to avoid a birthday card.

FinallyHere · 26/10/2023 10:56

it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

You are so not worthless but you are in a relationship with someone who is not good for you.

I would earnestly encourage you to consider why you love someone who is do so bad for you. And yes maybe some therapy is what you need right now in order to disentangle why you think you love someone who treats you like this.

This is no way to live. You only have the one life. Start investing your money in yourself , to understand why you feel like this.

You are a beautiful human being who deserves so much better. Start now treating yourself well and avoid anyone who does not treat you well. All the very best.

Tarquina · 26/10/2023 10:55

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

Could not even be bothered to ask his mum to sign it?

Or did his jaw hurt too much?

Laurdo · 26/10/2023 10:54

MinnieL · 26/10/2023 10:32

Now that’s just pathetic. You can be broke and still make an effort. You can get a lovely card for £1.49 in the bloody Card Factory! He’s not even trying and you deserve better than that surely? I hate this guy and I don’t even know him. I have a feeling your birthday this year will be another disappointment

Show quote history

The fact that she had to ask him to buy her a card makes it even worse.

MsRosley · 26/10/2023 10:52

Oh, OP. How did you get to have such low standards for yourself? You know he's taking the piss, but you're still trying to convince yourself there's some way he isn't using you to bankroll him, with sex on the side.

You don't have to put up with this. There are much better men out there, and you deserve one of them.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/10/2023 10:50

Start the rest of your life OP. He's not a keeper. I am surprised he doesn't hop and croak.

NewYorkCheesecakeASAP · 26/10/2023 10:47

Unfortunately this does not sound like a long term relationship can sustain with this man... it takes more than love/attraction to keep a relationship going through the ups and downs. He is already showing you what he is about, and as you have seemingly accepted it in his eyes, he is very unlikely to improve his attitude and start paying his way. It really isn't worth it and I do think it is better to be single, than to be used. In your gut you know it isn't right or you wouldn't have bothered write a post on it. Put yourself first, he certainly puts himself first.

StellaAndCrow · 26/10/2023 10:47

Yes, when you dump him you could send him a video of that motivational speaker with no arms or legs who goes around the world on speaking tours - I watch them some times when I'm feeling sorry for myself, then realise how good I've got it having all my limbs.

Poor man his arm being so sore that he can't write a birthday card!!

StellaAndCrow · 26/10/2023 10:44

I wonder if he's using a food bank because he's a bit tight, and sees it as a clever way to avoid paying for food and pay down his debt. From the rest of what you said, I worry he thinks he's found a clever thing to do.

Tarquina · 26/10/2023 10:44

Where did you find this wonderful prince of a man and has he got a brother?

Barney60 · 26/10/2023 10:43

My spottyhanky and brightlight, our posts must of crossed totally agree.

Barney60 · 26/10/2023 10:42

My mum used to say there are 2 types of people in this world, givers and takers, they never mix well.
Your partner is a taker your a giver.
I gather from your post your partner is living at home, presume he pays board to parents, does that not cover his food, if so why is he using food banks, hes not in need?
What is he doing with the rest of his wages bar travel to and from work, surely not using ALL of it to pay off debts, i think there is more to this much more, secret gambler or something else.
Id say run as fast as you can.

StellaAndCrow · 26/10/2023 10:42

Honestly, after you've dumped him, you'll be able to laugh about his pathetic excuse "my arm hurt too much to write a birthday card"! :) :)

myspottyhanky · 26/10/2023 10:41

BrightLightTonight · 26/10/2023 10:17

How can he be earning, living with family and still using food banks? I would run away asap if I were you

This ^.

I am concerned that he is even allowed to use a foodbank.

In most areas I know access to foodbanks is by letter from GP/Social Services/Health Visitor.

OP, he sounds like a scrounger, please dump him - and do it now.

Paperbagsaremine · 26/10/2023 10:41

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

OH COME ON

I mean, a regular person would ask a friend - even if both their arms had fallen off! - to write the card for them!

Don't cry, OP. Your life is about to improve, and it's all in your power.

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