I pay for everything in relationship

Reading this I feel it all comes down to how desperate you are to be in a relationship. He's an unreliable mooch. Why would you even bother with him? The incident at the cinema would have been my line in the sand. Ended.

Couldn’t read beyond the cinema queue. What are you with him for? I’d never continue a relationship beyond one or two dates with someone who was a) clearly so so terrible with money b) so unromantic. Don’t you just feel used?? I mean if you’d said he will be debt free in three months ok maybe see how he is after that but even that to me would be an absolute no go! What do you think is going to happen here? You stay together and finally rent somewhere, you pay all. You get pregnant, you pay all. I mean it’s got no good ending at all. Definitely run a mile and definitely definitely don’t be silly enough to get pregnant because you’ll be on your own. X

I’m very aware that if you don’t have the money you can’t magic it out of thin air.

You don't magic it out of thin air, you work for it.. YOU know that, obviously, he knows that, but it sounds to me like he may be one of those 'bare minimum' people, who are happy to do as little as possible just to get by.. that includes how they treat their respective partners, they do JUST enough to keep you from walking away, and you're setting the bar very low for him (I'd have left after the birthday card excuse).

I just couldn't be with someone like that personally, because the lack of effort and care would erode any feelings I'd got for them. Does he ever cook for you or treat you in ways that don't cost any extra money?

I feel for you OP as you obviously love him, but thinking about it very simply, do you see yourself being able to build a life with him?

I've been in this situation OP. He will constantly be skint and the debts will never go away. It won't get any better.

You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a gigalo.
So if you’re paying for his services, make sure you have a list of expectations that balance his side of the deal. Fabulous sex, thoughtful gestures, massages, poetry reading constant positive reinforcement from him…whatever you feel you need from a relationship you are paying for.

Talk to him about it. In a proper relationship you should be able to discuss sensitive issues like money. Tell him you feel like he's using you and taking you for granted and that you too have financial restraints.

It's good that he's getting out of debt. But when I did that, post uni, I was given the advice to hold back a set sum of money each week (these days the equivalent would probably be about £20-£25 and use it exclusively for treats. That would mean, for example, he could bring some nice food and wine over to yours and cook for you one night, or pay for cheap cinema tickets.

He should also get imaginative at finding ways to entertain you and be responsible for fun nights out that cost very little. He could sign up for ticket services that paper the house when shows aren't selling. You just pay about £4 booking fee per ticket and can see some good things. Or Vodaphone deals on free cinema tickets and dirt cheap festival tickets. It's OK to be poor but you have to be inventive at creating fun dates and appreciative of your richer partner, or the romance will die.

Seriously, OP, dump him. The story about the birthday card says it all. As PP have said, he could have put a bit of thought into cheaper/free things to do that shows he cares about you, but he's content to let you arrange and pay for everything. Even if he's the handsomest, wittiest man on earth, that attitude makes him a very unappealing boyfriend.

He’s using you and it’s eaten away at your self esteem.

You have a leech. Remove it.

Have you met his family? Are you sure he is not already married/living with someone/got squads of snotty kids?

Would explain why he doesn't have any money & needs foodbanks.

How far off is he from paying off his debts? He either must be close or he has huge amounts. I’d be a bit worried that he’s managed to get so much debt, but I’m sure you’ll know by now if the reasons for him having it are a concern and whether it’s likely to happen again or not. I think it’s good and sensible that he’s paying them off, but it shouldn’t be at your expense. I’d be worried that once this is established, that this is how it will be for the remainder of your relationship.

Please do not stay with this man, it will lead to either emotional and/or financial ruin for you.

I stayed with someone like this (although it started much better than this). When we moved in together it only got worse. After two years he'd lost his job (but didn't tell me), I found out when there was absolutely no money forthcoming for rent etc. He even started selling my stuff when I was at work and I thought he was working - stuff he didn't think I'd miss, DVDs/CDs etc. Even when I found out I was still prepared to work on the relationship.

He eventually cheated on me and it gave me the kick up the arse I needed. I was left in thousands of pounds worth of debt funding a rubbish relationship where one person couldn't be bothered.

Please do not make the same mistake, it will rob years from you.

😁

hwclan has it:

Personally I think he's a cocklodger in waiting. It won't be long and he'll have an "accommodation emergency". He'll have a fall-out with a family member, which won't be his fault of course, and they'll say he has to leave so he'll come to you with a sob story. And there you have it - a full-on cocklodger you'll be paying for.
The next step after that will be losing his job (through no fault of his own), swiftly followed by depression which comes and goes depending on whether you have just asked him to contribute to the household by either searching for a job or doing some household chores.

This is absolutely the way the script will go.

Dump. He is tight. It won't get better. Birthdays will be disappointing. Christmas gifts from the garage. If you move in together you will see him as a cocklodger before too long.

YABU to be in a relationship with a man who can't pay for himself. Does he have no pride?

And the story of your last birthday - well, you don't need a lot of money to make someone feel special so the fact he put no effort on tells me all I need to know

He's a taker and you're being a mug. Take a mate with you for your birthday instead.

So, he has tonnes of debt, lives with family so minimal rent, and he still doesnt earn enough to pay for things. LTB, he will drag you down. Sounds like a complete waste of space.

Christ I hope he is mind blowing in bed because you have yourself the makings of a cock lodger OP! Get rid.

^I do understand. But to me dinner and a cinema trip are a lot of money. If he has none I’m not surprised he didn’t want to help pay.^

Not only didn't want to pay, but* asked her to buy him a drink*

There's skint, and then there's beyond cheeky. Cinema drinks are expensive. I don't let my kids have cinema drinks, they have to take a water bottle!

An abusive ex boyfriend always disappeared when there was a bill to be paid! He also had debts. Never honest about money.

You need to move on. People have already advised. Take the advice and act on it.

I think you know the answer. If you stay with this man, he will only get worse.

His debt isn’t your problem, he should offer to pay half and just pay off his debt slower. The going to the loo/ hanging by the wall thing is concerning, that’s actually quite a manipulate thing to do.

That said, you should also be trying to find things to do them at are either cheap or free. Eating out and going to the cinema are both quite costly.

So, for YOUR birthday you're treating HIM to a hotel break.

Cop yourself on and for the love of God, don't let him move in with you.

Just dump him OP.
You aren't financially compatible and he is making NO effort whatsoever. His arm hurt too much to write you a card? What a knob.
Even if he is on the poverty line he could have made some kind of effort for your birthday even without having to spend a lot of money.
When I was a student none of us had much money at all but we still managed to go out with each other and do nice things - I can remember having a picnic by the river with one boyfriend, going to a free art gallery with another and drinking tea from a thermos afterwards, vouchers to get money off at a pizza chain, video from blockbusters and popcorn in study bedroom etc.

He could be really struggling with money - paying off debt etc and having to use food banks. He could also be taking the piss - who knows? He's living at home and has a job so surely he can afford food (his parents might even be providing food) and he could reduce debt payments if he can't afford to feed himself.
Obviously if he has financial struggles he can't afford to pay for the cinema and restaurant but he shouldn't be leeching off you all the time and he should be coming up with ideas to have some nice dates with you which he plans and organizes which are within his budget.

Personally I think he's a cocklodger in waiting. It won't be long and he'll have an "accommodation emergency". He'll have a fall-out with a family member, which won't be his fault of course, and they'll say he has to leave so he'll come to you with a sob story. And there you have it - a full-on cocklodger you'll be paying for.
The next step after that will be losing his job (through no fault of his own), swiftly followed by depression which comes and goes depending on whether you have just asked him to contribute to the household by either searching for a job or doing some household chores.

Please get rid of him OP to avoid the necessity of coming back on Mumsnet in a few months to describe exactly the scenario above.

I'm so sorry OP he's making you feel worthless. I can't believe he had the nerve to ask for a drink at the cinema! What a complete CF.

He's just using you.

You know what you need to do.

Ask him f he can transfer his share of the weekend away just now. Tell Him
you need to know what’s what as you have spent a lot of money.

Good suggestion here - and if you get nowt, go alone or with a friend.