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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
DoubleTime · 26/10/2023 12:50

OP, you started a thread back in the summer complaining that he was letting you pay for everything because he was saving for a deposit for a rental, as he was renting a room from a distant relative and needed to move out. Has he changed his story now to saying he has debts to pay ?

MargotBamborough · 26/10/2023 12:49

Just seen your other threads, OP.

Why are you wasting your time with this loser. Bin him off and spend some time focusing on yourself before you consider dating anyone else.

ChocolateBiscuitsandaCuppa · 26/10/2023 12:49

You are NOT worthless. It is his piss-poor behaviour that has made you think (incorrectly) that the only possible explanation is that you might be.

It might feel hard breaking up with him, but once he's done, you get to focus all your energy on you. Till you do, you know you need to break up with him, whilst hoping he'll turn out to be the partner you want. That is exhausting, and he will keep letting you down every time.

Original poster
Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 12:48

I really just want to point out I’m not grabby. I don’t expect to have everything paid for me all the time. I just wanted to feel treated on my birthday. I wanted him to maybe do some of the organising, to feel like he’d thought about the type of things I like and made some kind of plan. I guess to put some thought into it. I’m excited to go but it doesn’t exactly feel like a treat. I’ve planned, booked, paid and arranged it all myself. Just asked him to secure the days off which was a bit of a pain in itself.

His debt and living situation is very outing. The best way I can put it is he’s like an unwanted lodger. He’s not living with close family and it’s not a nice situation to be in.

I have spoken to him about it and he’s said he will pay for everything when we are there and that he’s been working extra hours to be able to afford it.

He’s not exactly the villain he’s been made out to be but I do think he can find it difficult to see how his actions affect other people. I just don’t know.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 26/10/2023 12:48

I also fear the "restaurant" he has in mind is Greg's or at best Weatherspoons".
Yes

StripeyDeckchair · 26/10/2023 12:47

YABU because you shouldn't put up with this shit

You "hoped" he would pay - just say something. Every time

He sounds like a taker and on those grounds alone I'd ditch him

user1471538283 · 26/10/2023 12:45

If the debts exist ... he might bugger off when he's got disposable income! Then what?

Please just let him go.

MrsDrDear · 26/10/2023 12:43

@Mydogisamentalist it's not just the money issue though is it? There's a lot of negatives with this man that far outweigh any short lived rare moments of happiness.

I can't understand why you are still with him after your other threads.
Why? Is it the fact you have put time and effort into it that you would feel it's a waste?

Do you want your DC to watch you waste your life on someone like this?

You really need to value yourself more.

pinkyredrose · 26/10/2023 12:42

AgnesX · 26/10/2023 12:30

So it's ok for him to use food banks and and also take you to the cinema and out for food?? You need to catch yourself on.

Suggest you part company as you resent his choices so much. At least he's paying back his debts even if his money management is poor.

Edited

She's only got his word for it about the debts.

MargotBamborough · 26/10/2023 12:42

If your boyfriend is so hard up that he needs to use food banks, he can't afford date nights or weekends away.

Also, paying off his debt is a good thing but if he's ploughing a lot of excess income into paying off his debt faster than he strictly needs to and then using food banks, I don't know... I'm not sure people like him are really who food banks are intended for. If he has to be paying down his debt at the rate he is currently doing in order to avoid it getting exponentially bigger, OK, maybe using food banks could be justified, but I'm a bit iffy about this one.

Either way, he cannot afford to go to the pub or the cinema or on weekends away. If you want to do these things with him, you have to pay for them.

So now you need to decide. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone as skint as your boyfriend? How long will this situation continue? How long until he pays off his debt and has more disposable income? Does he bring joy to your life in other ways? Does he do things for you which don't cost money? Do you trust that when he has paid off his debt he will pull his weight financially in this relationship?

These are questions that only you can answer.

But unless his financial circumstances are short term, and you can see a time in the not too distant future when things will be different, it sounds like he is holding you back from having the kind of life that you want to have.

I'd also want to know how he got into this debt. If you are in debt that usually either means you earn such a low salary that you simply can't afford the cost of living, or you are shit at managing your money. Neither of those things would be an attractive prospect for me if I were looking at someone as a potential future husband and father of my children.

CharlieRight · 26/10/2023 12:41

If he hasn’t got himself sorted out (money, career, security etc) he shouldn’t be looking for a partner. What’s the point, just wasting everyone’s time.

OP should get rid, otherwise they will be raising the manchild.

user1471538283 · 26/10/2023 12:41

It's not about spending money, it's about generosity of spirit. He couldn't even be arsed to write on your birthday card. That's contempt.

I also do not believe the debt thing.

One of my most favorite dates when I was a young woman was a walk around a snow covered lake/pond thing and then he made hot chocolate in a pan for us at home. We each had no money but he would pick me up a bar of chocolate because I liked it, run a bath for me, cook meals at home, make a cake for me, leave me little notes, stuff like that.

How much longer are you going to allow this? You are not worthless but being with him is making you feel it because he will not make even the slightest effort.

Do not take him away. Cancel or take a friend because you know it will be something that means he cannot pay for anything.

NotLactoseFree · 26/10/2023 12:39

If he is really so skint that he is using food banks, then no, he should not be paying for date nights, cinema tickets or weekends away.

Having said that, any self respecting person who was that skint would never expect someone else to fund these date nights, cinema trips or weekends away. They would simply suggest doing something else. Something free or almost free.

But as he has almost no costs, I don't really understand why he's using food banks. Is he actually just one of those people who find ways to make sure he has to pay as little as possible for anything and everything - so sponge of parents or family so no rent. Find a way to get food banks to give him food. A girlfriend to pay for treats. Is he even working because doesn't matter how much debt he has, if he's at least got a decent job he should be able to pay for his own food.

Ditch him. He's useless and pathetic.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 26/10/2023 12:37

You say you love him but it doesn't sound like there's a lot to love. Perhaps you like the idea of being in love and find it difficult to face the reality? No shame there, most if not all of us have done it at some stage - I certainly have! (But wised up eventually).

I suggest you either go on your birthday weekend with a friend, or take him with the firm resolution to make it your goodbye weekend if he doesn't step up and at least produce a birthday card and take you to the restaurant as promised. If it's the case he can't be bothered (sore arm again?!), enjoy the bits you can, and look forward to a better life just ahead.

followmyflow · 26/10/2023 12:35

i was ready to be on the boyfriend's side in all honesty - if he has no money and is using food banks, how do you expect him to pay for cinema and meals? however, on your last birthday he didnt even bother to get you a card and made you cry? it's not the money thats the issue, its the boyfriend. if you had a broke boyfriend who respected you, did small things for you and tried to make you feel love within the means he has, you wouldn't be feeling so resentful. it's the boyfriend that is the issue, not the money.

DoubleTime · 26/10/2023 12:34

Do you have children OP? Are you spending money on him that could be spent on them ? Perhaps looking at it that way, will make it easier to stop paying for him all the time.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 26/10/2023 12:34

You are not worthless! However you are choosing to be with someone who makes you feel worthless. You really don't have to be in these situations that are making you feel so shit about yourself all for the sake the "love" you think you share together. This isn't love. If he loved you, you would feel secure about your upcoming trip. Because he would treat you with respect and communicate with you. There would be trust there. You don't trust him not to treat you badly when you are away. That's a big deal. I also think your standards are so low you think you love him because you just want to be with someone.

Please focus on your most important relationship. Yourself. You are worthy. Anyone who makes you feel like you are worthless should not be in your life.

I also fear the "restaurant" he has in mind is Greg's or at best Weatherspoons".

Go with someone who actually cares about you.

RenoDakota · 26/10/2023 12:32

The bit about him deliberately hanging back at the cinema was bad enough but then ... his arm hurt too much to write a birthday card!!
Sorry, OP, but he is treating you with contempt. Respect yourself, raise your bar off the ground and ditch this utter, utter freeloading arsehole.

Mari9999 · 26/10/2023 12:30

@Mydogisamentalist
If he has no money, he has no money. Obviously , at some point in his life he was not adverse to spending, because he has debts.

If you don't want to pay for your all of your outings, either stay home or stop dating him. You might also have a conversation with him to discuss ways and activities to which he could contribute.

SuperGreens · 26/10/2023 12:30

Hanging back when it's his turn to pay is sneaky lowlife behaviour. Expensive outings when you can't afford it and saying nothing but expecting someone else to pay for you is sneaky lowlife behaviour. He has shown you who he is, believe him.

AgnesX · 26/10/2023 12:30

So it's ok for him to use food banks and and also take you to the cinema and out for food?? You need to catch yourself on.

Suggest you part company as you resent his choices so much. At least he's paying back his debts even if his money management is poor.

pinkyredrose · 26/10/2023 12:28

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 10:19

No he didn’t even get me a card. It was the only thing I asked for and he said he had and he turned up on our next date without it. He said his arm hurt too much to write it.

Oh god, I’m sitting here in tears. I know your all right and it’s horrible feeling so worthless.

Hahahahaha! You didn't seriously believe that?

He's mean and tight, he doesn't pay for things because he knows that you will. How do you know the food bank vouchers were his? He's living with family and working, he's got money. How much debt is he in and what percentage of his wage goes towards it?

You're being taken for a fool. Wtf do you love about him? He doesn’t seem likeable let alone loveable.

rainingsnoring · 26/10/2023 12:28

Why are you with this man @Mydogisamentalist?

MinnieL · 26/10/2023 12:27

KirstenBlest · 26/10/2023 11:09

@MinnieL , I think Card Factory sells cards for as little as 29p, or they used to. he could have made a card for nothing.

@Mydogisamentalist , you won't get a birthday card. His arm will hurt to much to get his wallet out. He won't but buy you a present etc.

You didn't say how old you both are, but you sound like you are in your 20s. Move on, find someone more like yourself in attitude and income.

Yep I’m sure the cheapest ones I’ve seen recently are 39p. I mentioned the £1.49 card as he could have got that if he wanted to ‘splash out’ and get a nicely decorated card. He’s an arse

Mary28 · 26/10/2023 12:27

Absolute no brainer. Leave the guy, you deserve better. I don't care how nice he is, he should be ashamed he can't pay his own way. Stop being a sucker.

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