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AIBU?

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Original poster

To resent 'golddigger' comments?

193 replies

englishexpat · 23/10/2023 14:59

Although this may come across poorly, this is an issue I don't feel I can discuss with friends 'in real life'. I would be grateful for your advice. My sister-in-law suggested posting here anonymously.

I am a man in my early 50s, with 4 children {with my ex-DW}.
We divorced a few years ago, and I am fortunate to be in a relationship with my new partner.

I live with my partner and my youngest daughter, who is a pre-teen. Although the transition was challenging, I feel we are all fairly settled.

The issue is {and please don't take this as a joke} that my partner & I keep finding ourselves on the receiving end of 'banter' along the lines of her being a gold digger, and / or jokes with a sexist undertone implying I am just involved with her for her appearance.

For context, she is 13 years younger than me, (and my ex-wife), but also perhaps looks younger - people assume she is early rather than late 30s. She is beautiful, but this is obviously not the sole reason I am interested in her!

I earn a decent salary, nothing mad - but it is clear I am well-off because of my family background.

When these comments are made, I either try to diffuse with humour or, if it's really on the nose, to speak against it.

However I am well aware this kind of response may come across as even more heavy-handed.

It causes some tension in our relationship as well. My partner is successful in her career, but it is not a lucrative line of work. I want to look after and support her & am happy simply to share my good fortune. But she feels uncertain about this.

Two of my daughters have also implied my new partner is in it for the money, to put it bluntly.

Apologies for the long post. I am aware this may come across as ridiculous.

OP posts:
JaneGainsborough · 23/10/2023 17:38

AfterWeights · 23/10/2023 17:09

Im a woman of similar vintage to your wife, and can't fathom why a woman my age would want a partner in his 50s with 4 grown kids tbh. Even if you look like george clooney. So I'd probably assume that the financial security you offer played at least some part in her choice to be with you. Sorry but its true, i would! I would be looking ahead and not wanting to be late 50s with a husband over 70.

Really? You think a 13 year age gap is a big deal? It really, really isn't. I am forty and very happily partnered with a man my own age, but if I were single I would certainly consider a man in his fifties if I were attracted to him. A man in his eighties, not so much.

Peverellshire · 23/10/2023 17:37

Did your ex remain in love with you or in denial before you met your new partner?

YankeeDad · 23/10/2023 17:36

If you both have a properly filthy sense of humour, she could say "En fait il n‘a pas un rond mais il a une grosse bite!" (loosely translated, "he‘s totally broke but he‘s got a big dick")

Then she pulls out the credit card (could be a joint account if you are actually the one paying) for when the bill comes ...

Rewis · 23/10/2023 17:36

englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:31

Has anyone been the lower-earning partner in a relationship?
How have you maintained your sense of financial independence ? If that doesn't sound patronising.
We're at the delicate stage of combining finances by starting a joint account. Which I'm mainly managing, because I'm more used to the bureaucracy after decades here. And this of course doesn't help with the sense of imbalance in our relationship.

There is no right answer here. I personally support % of jncome in the joint accounts. But thats problematic when you have kids and it also depends who own the house, is the other person paying towards it etc. I recommend starting a new thread for this on a section that is not AIBU cause this is not the most balanced place.

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:33

221BBakerSt · 23/10/2023 17:30

@englishexpat I am a female who is often called gold digger by nasty, nasty people who know nothing but still adore judging; my DP is twenty years older than me. I find it incredibly hurtful.

I would suggest you are very firm in showing how disrespectful you find it, if someone cares about you and knows this they should stop and if they don’t it shows you something important about them.
I don’t even live with my DP, and actually probably spend more on our relationship than he does simply because of the things that make me happy like buying him surprises that make him smile. I love him so much.
Also - how dare people…I have the painful knowledge my beloved will in all probability die before me and I will have to deal with heartbreak and being alone, and there is every possibility his health may decline drastically at any point (already 70) and I may end up needing to care for him for years. That’s my decision, taken very carefully and with tears, you see I never expected to fall truly in love but I did and I cherish every second with my DP.

@221BBakerSt I'm sorry to hear that's been your experience too. It has been very hurtful for my partner too.

OP posts:
Rewis · 23/10/2023 17:32

Just simple say "cut it out, you know it isn't true" or just "don't" and move on with the conversation. Turning it into humour makes it feelcliem you're all in it. I've done the mistake of not standing up to my bf cause I didn't realise he didn't enjoy the joke. But now I know and a simple "don't" has fixed the problem and not caused any awkwardness and the recipient realised they've crossed the line.

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:31

Has anyone been the lower-earning partner in a relationship?
How have you maintained your sense of financial independence ? If that doesn't sound patronising.
We're at the delicate stage of combining finances by starting a joint account. Which I'm mainly managing, because I'm more used to the bureaucracy after decades here. And this of course doesn't help with the sense of imbalance in our relationship.

OP posts:
221BBakerSt · 23/10/2023 17:30

@englishexpat I am a female who is often called gold digger by nasty, nasty people who know nothing but still adore judging; my DP is twenty years older than me. I find it incredibly hurtful.

I would suggest you are very firm in showing how disrespectful you find it, if someone cares about you and knows this they should stop and if they don’t it shows you something important about them.
I don’t even live with my DP, and actually probably spend more on our relationship than he does simply because of the things that make me happy like buying him surprises that make him smile. I love him so much.
Also - how dare people…I have the painful knowledge my beloved will in all probability die before me and I will have to deal with heartbreak and being alone, and there is every possibility his health may decline drastically at any point (already 70) and I may end up needing to care for him for years. That’s my decision, taken very carefully and with tears, you see I never expected to fall truly in love but I did and I cherish every second with my DP.

Squeaky2023 · 23/10/2023 17:27

That is so rude.
Let your face fall and tell them that you are both happy together before asking if that makes them unhappy.

Dweetfidilove · 23/10/2023 17:27

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 15:06

To be honest if I were a gold digger a man with 4 kids and the expenses that they incur wouldn’t be my ideal prey.

This made me 😅😅😅

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:27

YankeeDad · 23/10/2023 17:23

Depending whether she would find this funny, for situations where you do not know the person well (such as a waiter) could you wife answer instead and say "don‘t you worry, we keep our finances separate and and I‘m only using him for sex?"?

If they are jealous then that will make them even more jealous but it might also shut them up ...

Yes (that made me laugh). She is very funny and she has deadpanned a response before along those lines ... although she is still lacking somewhat in confidence in French. And it's hard to master humour in a second language, even when you have some fluency.

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:26

Yes, I think you need to find ways to make fun out of these exchanges, put all the strangers firmly back in their boxes, even do so in front of family members, so they know your boundaries

YankeeDad · 23/10/2023 17:23

Depending whether she would find this funny, for situations where you do not know the person well (such as a waiter) could you wife answer instead and say "don‘t you worry, we keep our finances separate and and I‘m only using him for sex?"?

If they are jealous then that will make them even more jealous but it might also shut them up ...

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:20

AfterWeights · 23/10/2023 17:09

Im a woman of similar vintage to your wife, and can't fathom why a woman my age would want a partner in his 50s with 4 grown kids tbh. Even if you look like george clooney. So I'd probably assume that the financial security you offer played at least some part in her choice to be with you. Sorry but its true, i would! I would be looking ahead and not wanting to be late 50s with a husband over 70.

Yes, I've made your point to her as well.... and I don't look terrible for my age, but I'm certainly not George Clooney. I mainly try to avoid remembering that she dated men in their early to mid 30s before me ...

OP posts:
Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:18

CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:13

It's OK for a creative type to be attracted to a sensible type and vice versa. There is an element of Co dependency, that could possibly make the union stronger.

Most relationships have some transactional elements. I think you need to simply ask "did you mean to be so rude? ", every time someone makes a derogatory remark.

Thank you, that is helpful @CreationNat1on.

OP posts:
Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:17

DaftQuestionForToday · 23/10/2023 17:11

@englishexpat

ahhh France, Paris even. I'm not sure how to say 'WTF did you expect!!!' without saying 'WTF did you expect'??

I'd expect it other places too, but absolutely in France.

Deal with your older daughters face to face & directly ask what their actual problem is & tell them you do not want to hear anymore off hand comments about it.

closd family & friend tell them you've had enough of the banter now & to pack it in!

cadual comments in bars & stuff just agree that she's after your gold (cock!!) & your mad over her youthful good looks! You don't need to educate all the ignorant twats. Or tell them to rack off!! Don't let insignificant people get under your skin!!

Ha ha, yes I think Paris is possibly part of the issue here - although I love France, she's definitely under more scrutiny here by men.

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:13

It's OK for a creative type to be attracted to a sensible type and vice versa. There is an element of Co dependency, that could possibly make the union stronger.

Most relationships have some transactional elements. I think you need to simply ask "did you mean to be so rude? ", every time someone makes a derogatory remark.

Luckydip1 · 23/10/2023 17:12

Who cares about what other people think, sod them, just enjoy your new relationship.

DaftQuestionForToday · 23/10/2023 17:11

@englishexpat

ahhh France, Paris even. I'm not sure how to say 'WTF did you expect!!!' without saying 'WTF did you expect'??

I'd expect it other places too, but absolutely in France.

Deal with your older daughters face to face & directly ask what their actual problem is & tell them you do not want to hear anymore off hand comments about it.

closd family & friend tell them you've had enough of the banter now & to pack it in!

cadual comments in bars & stuff just agree that she's after your gold (cock!!) & your mad over her youthful good looks! You don't need to educate all the ignorant twats. Or tell them to rack off!! Don't let insignificant people get under your skin!!

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:11

Panicking23 · 23/10/2023 16:14

My parents had the same age gap and didn't have two pennies to rub together but were one of the happiest couples I've ever known, people don't like to see others happy for some strange reason.

I'd nip it in the bud with your daughters though, it's rude to both of you and they sound a little over invested in your financials themselves.

@Panicking23 that's good to know, about your parents. I initially maintained I was too old for her for a while. And still feel some concern over this.
But it's not as if one can just choose someone who is the perfect age, exact equivalent in financial status, etc. I was much more 'matched' with my ex-wife which didn't guarantee us life-long marriage.

OP posts:
AfterWeights · 23/10/2023 17:09

Im a woman of similar vintage to your wife, and can't fathom why a woman my age would want a partner in his 50s with 4 grown kids tbh. Even if you look like george clooney. So I'd probably assume that the financial security you offer played at least some part in her choice to be with you. Sorry but its true, i would! I would be looking ahead and not wanting to be late 50s with a husband over 70.

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:08

CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:02

Is new wife an artist, successful in a non money making way......

Perhaps the security you can provide is part of the attraction. In exchange the creativity she can provide is uplifting for you..... I m possibly projecting here.

I think you need to be blunt with people and respond with "don't be so rude and disrespectful to me or my wife, focus on your own relationship please".

Or "at least I have gold, AND a beautiful partner, understandably people are resentful, there is SO much to be jealous of"!!!

Yes, an equivalent profession to an artist.

We have discussed this and personally I feel your point is true to our situation. Doesn't everyone look for some form of stability in a relationship? Perhaps I'm just very boring about this kind of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:04

Peverellshire · 23/10/2023 15:47

I know the ex wife in similar situation & there’s rather a different slant from her perspective. He was a much loved husband with great family who had an affair. Now he has a new priority & everyone was blindsided.

Do you see much of your children? Did the breakdown of the marriage come as a surprise? Are they in same country?

@Peverellshire I did not have an affair, however my partner and I were friends while I was still married. The separation and divorce were not wholly unexpected - our eldest picked up on it before his sisters - but it was a shock, particularly to the girls. We do see each other a fair amount, but my (adult)daughters are not keen on visiting the apartment I share with my partner, or getting to know her particularly.

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 23/10/2023 17:02

Is new wife an artist, successful in a non money making way......

Perhaps the security you can provide is part of the attraction. In exchange the creativity she can provide is uplifting for you..... I m possibly projecting here.

I think you need to be blunt with people and respond with "don't be so rude and disrespectful to me or my wife, focus on your own relationship please".

Or "at least I have gold, AND a beautiful partner, understandably people are resentful, there is SO much to be jealous of"!!!

Original poster
englishexpat · 23/10/2023 17:00

Ktime · 23/10/2023 16:54

Which city is this? I’d like to avoid visiting.

Tell these people they are being rude and sexist.

We live in Paris.
However I've had these comments in London, rural France, on holiday in various places, travelling for work ... I suppose people see it as some kind of compliment to me (?). And to answer @WitcheryDivine's question: acquaintances, people we've met at social events, waiters, colleagues...!

OP posts: