AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

You need a sturdy bolt on the door and an appointment with a good solicitor. The power to sell generally trumps the power not to sell, but don't take legal advice from random people on the internet.

OP, the bedroom thing is a real violation of boundaries. That needs to start NOW.
Not cooking for him feels childish.
Living together when separated is so hard. It's four weeks - can you not just pop some extra rice on for the sake of a happy household?

No but then they would split childcare with 50/50 as the starting point.

If it was me I’d use my savings to pay half of the childcare and bills for a week (to prove a point). And Monday to Wednesday afternoon the week, book myself in a hotel so ex partner could do 50% of the wife work properly (right now he’s making no contribution to childcare or household tasks involving the children). Even better if OP allows a backlog on the kids laundry for that week so ex partner can sort their laundry.

When ex partner realises he has to take annual leave to look after his own kids since it will be impossible to find a childcare place with such short notice, maybe he’ll stop being unreasonable in his financial demands on OP and recognise their separation while accepting OPs financial contribution at the moment is childcare.

Also, while putting (or threatening to put) laxatives in the food may be tempting, it could also be illegal (it may be over the counter but it’s medicine). The ex strikes me as the sort to call the police and make a complaint.

This. My previous post related to the legal position on finances - that he does not have to pay her a penny more than child support - not the moral position.

This case is another example of why women should seriously consider marriage before having children (unless they are better off than their partner). It makes it a lot harder for the man to walk away with no financial impact on him(though I know some married men manage it anyway).

As it is the fact she is “caring for his children” means absolutely nothing in law when it comes to financial support for her. He legally has to pay the (no doubt derisory) amount set by CMS and that’s it.

Lock on bedroom door, that will stop him coming in your room

tell him you’ve put laxative in a couple of your ready prepared meals, so he’d be foolish to take your food.

Actually if they genuinely separated, as she wants to live as if they are with not sharing meals etc, ALL he would have to pay her is CMS.

There’s no requirement for him to pay half of childcare etc at all, I don’t disagree that this should be the case (my friend is currently in this situation, separated with her partner, she now receives literally £11 per week for her child from him via CMS) dad’s absolutely should have to pay half for everything that way, but unfortunately that’s not how it currently works.

Separating yet still living together is difficult. New boundaries have to be established and it can take time for you both to get used to them.

He sounds difficult. You sound petty.

He will need to fend for himself when you are living apart. That goes without saying.

I would get a lock for the bedroom doors. Establish proper separate bedrooms. His clothes in his room, your clothes in your room etc etc.

I can’t get excited about the cooking and laundry tbh. If you are making a meal or shoving on a washing then I would probably just make him dinner too and include his clothes in your laundry. No big deal.

You can both make this as easy or as hard as you want to. I would chose the easiest route tbh until you or he leaves.

Move his clothes to the spare room. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

He's able to cook his own food. The issue isn't that she's denying him access to the cooker, but that he is expecting her to cook for him. As @Rightsraptor said, that undermines her claim to be separated from him. Whilst they are not married, her separation from him needs to be watertight for her to claim UC.

"Her" maternity leave is actually her caring for HIS child.

Yabu to expect him to fund your maternity. I'd totally agree to all you've said IF you were actually paying your way. You're taking his money to buy your food but not letting him have any. So I agree with his comment.

Absolutely reasonable! But her him out asap, no guilt. It’s not healthy for anyone in the house to be in limbo.

I'm on zero pay as I'm off work looking after his child/ren. If I had months to go perhaps, but it's literally 4 weeks to my return. My youngest has a nursery place from my return date. Providing childcare is me 'paying my way' isn't it

Not entirely. You would need to see what it would cost for childcare per day. Then halve that, and that’s what he should be paying. In addition he should pay half of mortgage, bills, food, internet, half of kids clothes etc. You would pay the other half and would have the $$ he would be giving you for his half of the childcare you are providing in lieu of going to work. He shouldn’t be footing 100% of the childcare bill (being you) and all other expenses if you have separated!

Get some fridge locks for the fridge and freezer. That’ll force him to do his own shopping and cooking.

Who cares if he calls the police when you have an EA over? He'll look like more the fool to everyone involved. Do you think the police are going to stop a homeowner from having a valuation by an estate agent?

Stop letting him dictate the terms. Get a door lock or a door stop, tell him you will call the emergency number if he menaces you, and get the house on the market.

Did he just develop these unappealing personality traits since the second child was conceived?

I keep wondering this myself.

My GRANDparents, married in 1927, had a more equal relationship. My grandmother always worked for wages; at one point she owned her own business (a corner sundries shop).

My mother always worked before and after marriage except for our pre-school years. My dad, born in 1928, did as much housework, cooking, childcare etc as she did. I have vivid memories of him doing laundry, taking us for hair cuts, cooking, etc. from when I was a young child onward.

Why the heck are women in the 21st century settling for being handmaidens? It's boggling.

Big lock on the door, his clothes in the spare room, see a solicitor asap, you can no more go back to work tomorrow than he’s likely to stop work and take up full-time childcare, so ignore posters saying he’s funding you; carry on as you are except I’d probably accept that he’s going to nick any food you make so just plan on that happening and that you can’t rely on things you made for the freezer being there when you need them. Remember this awful part won’t be forever and his behaviour reinforces what a great decision you made to end things. Brighter times ahead.

Totally fair for a man to contribute to his partner's costs while they are on mat leave caused by being pregnant with HIS child.

Feel for you OP, suspect you have a battle ahead.

I think some of your ground rules would be more appropriate when you are at a point when you CAN actually go your separate ways, at the moment you seem to be relying on him to cover all the costs, so you're essentially asking him to help you, but you have decided to not help him in the slightest, even though things like the cooking would just be a bit of extra effort on your part. For everyone's sake until you can support yourself and not need his help, a little give and take would make things go a lot smoother.

He should NOT have access to your private space now though, so get a lock or barricade the door if you need to and give him his clothes. For now, I'd put your foot down on the important things and let the inconsequential things slide somewhat.

You say you instigated the separation, is he having trouble letting go? Trying to force him into doing what you want (selling the house) by making life as miserable as possible for him may not be the best tactic in the long run.

Stick a wedge doorstop under the inside of the door at night. Cheap, simple to use, effective.

What basis is he going to call the police on regarding an estate agent visiting your house?! The police have no interest in these matters.
If you can't immediately fit a door lock, get yourself a door wedge so he can't just open the door when you are in bed and waltz in. I'd pack up all his stuff and move it myself to the spare room.
I'd probably not be that bothered about the food. While I wouldn't cook for him and would probably make an effort to avoid having leftovers, I couldn't be arsed to argue over it really. If he can't be bothered to make an effort to feed himself more fool him -when he has to live alone/co-parent he's going to have to sort his shit out and learn.
I don't think you will be able to avoid solicitors in this case unfortunately. He's already being difficult. Best to get some proper advice.

I was in a similar situation 20 years ago, so things might have changed, but my solicitor told me not to do any wife work for him as I couldn't claim that we were separated if I continued cooking his meals etc.

And fascinating that all the cool wives /men’s rights handmaidens are so very much in the minority when you look at the votes.

This. Her living expenses are primarily his child’s living expenses.