AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

This.

Get his stuff out of your bedroom.

Lock on door- plus an extra bolt at the top so that he can't easily break the lock when you are in there.

Cook only as much as you need for your and your children's immediate meal.

Stop doing his shopping.

You want to withdraw from everything you have been doing in the household for him (ie the previous fair split of responsibility) but are not standing on your own two feet in terms of paying your way. It's called having your cake and eating it.

Ignore this wankery. You are looking after his children. If you went back to work (as I agree you could), it would cost roughly £1,000 PER CHILD for decent childcare. And then there are the arrangements that need to be inlace for when one of the children is ill (and once they start nursery they catch everything - kids are just little plague rats. I do not doubt that you will be the one expected to take days off to accommodate this.

Edited for spelling. (Invariably spelling. Or grammar. Probably still mistakes in there.)

Because those phrases “other” women who happen to make different choices. Because it devalues those choices by painting those women as deliberately subservient or second to the men in their lives. Because it creates a cartoonish and wholly 2D version of a woman who is making complex decisions based on her own happiness, and the well being and happiness of those she cares about. Because it is weaponised by people to devalue that woman, and make her seem
ridiculous and incapable of making “correct” decisions by some assumption that she doesn’t really understand that she’s been indoctrinated into a modern 21st century patriarchy. Because they’re naff and crap phrases. Because the person they create actually doesn’t exist.

Why sexist?

I apologise for using handmaidens - I always get it wrong when what I really mean is ‘aunt Lydia’.

but to the more general point, these archetypes are the mechanisms through which a patriarchy enforced itself. It’s not sexist to point that out just because they are women - just as, from the other end, a choice isn’t necessarily feminist because it’s a woman making it.

I don’t disagree that looking after the children is hard work! But the facts remain that if they want to behave as a totally separated couple, not eating together, not cooking together etc, then ALL she is actually entitled to from him is whatever amount CMS is based on his salary. That’s the facts.

Not for him to be paying all the mortgage, house bills, food shopping etc. If they were truly separated, all she’d be entitled to is CMS amount and yeah she could say she wants 50/50 custody making him required to deal with the childcare on his days, but it’s then up to him how he wishes to arrange that childcare, and if he’s as petty as it seems he is then he could quite easily say OK I’ll sort 50% childcare for my days and pay for nursery/childminder, he doesn’t have to say OP continues to watch them on “his” days meaning his money still funds the whole house.

You do really need to think through every eventuality in a situation like this. If you want to act and be entirely separated, a separated partner does not fund your maternity leave or entire life.

Absolutely pathetic that anyone would even discuss this with any seriousness. We’re all meant to be grown ups. And you forget that these particular grown ups have children in the house and existing in this awful atmosphere that you’re trying to make worse. Mumsnetters at their absolute craziest and most destructive.

Since they are not married, the law unfortunately doesn’t agree with you.

Morally of course, you are completely correct.

There is no such thing as "his" money when she is doing unpaid childcare for his children.

The problem with that approach is that it’s his money that is paying for the shopping. Pushing too hard on this could quite easily just result in him going OK, I’ll do the food shopping for me and dc, you do and pay for your own.

I appreciate that but the OP is effectively working. She's looking after both of their children. She just doesn't get paid for it!
And her being on mat leave and currently the SAHP, that's enabling her ex to be able to work.
Unless he's providing 50% of the childcare, he's bang out of order.

The problem with that approach is that it’s his money that is paying for the shopping. Pushing too hard on this could quite easily just result in him going OK, I’ll do the food shopping for me and dc, you do and pay for your own.

@1976bre, you need to start your own thread.

Well firstly, I'd be moving his clothes into what is now his room. Next, I'd put a lock in the inside of my bedroom door.
There's no way I'd be asking him what he needs at the shop. You're effectively separated now, so it's up to him what he buys and cooks, otherwise it's all a very grey area.
Finally, I'd be seeing a solicitor asap.
Good luck OP

I have a 21yo daughter whos texting me when my tv is on at 9 or 10pm saying whys your tv so damn loud, i should get a hearing or can you turn that shit down my tv isnt blasting ive been in her room and checked it just annoys her aibu to expect to be spoken to in a polite manner ive said whilst in my house its my rules or need to move out what else can i do kicking her out seems harsh for a bad attitude against me but nothing i say seems to make a difference any suggestions there are other things she questions me on rudely but thats it

Yes, don't tell him. Just do it. No way can he prove anything. Doubt he will want to take a sample to be analysed 💩

Will stop him eating your food if he gets the runs every time

I think a solicitor would concur with your approach. You both need time to adjust to the new arrangement. 💐

Please stop using those horribly weaponised and sexist tropes.

YABU. This seems needlessly petty on both your parts. Neither of you comes off smelling of roses here. Why are you BOTH going out of your way to create a horrible atmosphere that your children have to live in? Boundaries about private space are fine, and should be respected, but everything else you’re both doing sounds more like 20 year old first time flat mate spat stuff, not two grown adults doing what’s best for their children.

Yes, you providing childcare is you paying your way. Tell him if he wants you to pay half the mortgage and bills starting from this month, you need to bill him for his half of the childcare starting from this month.

One of the great ironies of this being MN is the extent to which women's unpaid work is considered non work on these threads. Its a testament to the resilience of men's societal advantages.

If matey boy wants his underpants ironed and full housekeeping service he can pay someone to be his housekeeper. Alternatively he can pay for childcare to facilitate the OP returning early to paid work (although its moot if that is doable for four weeks).

Mainly the OP needs to get legal advice one how to expedite separate living and ensure he pays his share of the childcare and child maintenance costs. His behaviour so far makes it clear there is no chance of an adult conversation and agreement.

Once you’re back at work you’ll be in a stronger position, although goodness knows maternity leave is not a holiday!

In the meantime a simple bolt on your bedroom door should keep him out. And move all his clothes. You’ll have to do it for him if he won’t do it himself.

I’d continue doing cooking for the whole family to keep the peace. Sounds as though he’s going to find out soon enough all about cooking for himself.

Then get a solicitor to help you with the separation. If you have equity in the house then XP will have to buy you out else the house will have to be sold.

Good luck with it all. You’re not the first person this has happened to and there is a path through this.

See a solicitor

Exactly! All the posters saying OP needs to start paying her way right now seem to be overlooking the fact she’s busy providing childcare for his children right now? If she was to start financially contributing for this last month, he would need to pay for half the childcare to enable her to do that.

That's interesting, I don't want to hijack the thread but I have been divorced for over 2 years now - but ex dh refuses to move out - and for various reasons including his gambling over £200k - I think the house should be mine. We still have one dc at home and another at university. He refuses to work and I work about 30 hours a week (I have a disability). We are on universal credit, I have told them we are divorced but we still have a joint claim. He refuses to let me cook so he does all the cooking. The car is in my name but I can no longer drive due to my disability. We have a joint bank account, I have another one in my name but he has no other one. He refuses to recognise that we are divorced though we have separate bedrooms. We were married over 30 years. I think getting our own universal credit claim would help matters.

Because you're assuming a woman's labour is worthless.

If you're contributing financially to this arrangement 50/50, then that's reasonable. If you are not, then he might similarly withdraw unequal finances.

I do agree with hes comment about not being allowed to eat food hes payed for