AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

• Let yourself (& move all your stuff) into the bigger spare room & have a lock installed so he can't enter.
• not much you can do about the food though I agree with you that if your cooking you & the kids should be eating first & the bulk of it but if hes paying then yes (& he can find it on the bench/fridge) should be able to eat the left overs / food left in freezer if it's not planned for another meal ect.
Probably start a minor contribution set up if your recieving any pay or payments & start a proper child support claim

He’s unreasonable for now saying that because they’ve broken up she has to go back to work earlier than they agreed. If this is the case then OP could say he should start doing half the cooking cleaning etc for their kids as this would really be 50 %. Will he now take on half the ‘wife work’ that OP was doing while simultaneously working before this period of maternity?

Why are people writing about ‘the marriage’? He’s an ex boyfriend.

• I asked if she could go back earlier, because I think we all realise it may not be possible.

• She is doing what they agreed was the balance of chores in the status quo ante. She now wishes to relinquish some, with no other changes. This is the "having cake and eating it" bit

• Because that is how they arranged it - it doesn't have to be like that, but that is the situation for this couple.

Clearly it would be a good thing for OP to advance this separation asap. Which means she needs to cover her bills in a separate household The sooner back at work, the sooner this will come about.

Changes to the domestic set up are best reached by negotiation. Just like sorting out divorce financial settlements and child arrangements are best achieved through mediation. Not one side just ceasing some of what had been theirs responsibilities under their existing arrangements, without their being countervailing changes (such as starting to cover bills)

Regardless of who has the moral high ground, OP is at risk of her ex withdrawing financial support in retaliation. I'd probably compromise a little to try to stay on civil terms (while getting out ASAP). Absolutely he needs his own bedroom but slinging an extra portion in the fridge when you're cooking anyway, seems like a low effort way to buy some goodwill.

I cohabited with my ex for a few weeks, it went really really sour and I'd count it as the worst and most traumatic period of my life, and that of my kids. With hindsight I'd suck up a few little things to keep the peace.

He should consider himself lucky that he isn't having to care for DC. My mum stopped both the wifework and caring for us, instead going out early in the morning and staying at her lab until the last train back whilst she did her masters degree.

To those saying you can’t have it both ways and OP has to go back to work immediately:

• She is on maternity leave to care for their shared child.
• She is already doing over 50% by doing hers AND the kids cooking/ laundry/ bedtimes etc.
• Why does the woman’s 50% of chores include ALL of the childcare for kids that belong to both of them?!!!

I really feel for you OP because your ex sounds like a prize bell end. YANBU x

This.

But be aware, lock or wedge, if he wants to break in he will. My ex broke the door down The Shining style, complete with an axe. He then took a chainsaw to my bed and stole everything. The police called it a domestic and didn't want to know. Like hell would I let them get away with that now.

Just make sure that if it goes really nasty that precious stuff isn't in your room. Can you leave most of your items with a relative?

Get a good solicitor in the meantime. Try flows.org.uk

@Calipso32
You are not paying your own way by providing childcare for your own child.
You are absolutely right to insist that he not enter your room without knocking and he should move his clothes to his room.

The not cooking seems like an unnecessary move as you have to cook anyway. Why make an acrimonious situation anymore hostile than it has to be?

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I do think you should try to look at this a different way. You have a very small baby with this man. You are going to be linked to him for at least another 16 years. It is not going to do much for you to make things harder than they need to be. in 3-6 months you will never have to cook for him again or see him under your roof.

In the meantime, walking into your bedroom is not acceptable at all. The cooking, I would be prepared to compromise on - as you are cooking anyway. Is there a way you could sit with him at a time you aren't actively wanting to kill him and suggest he agrees to stay out of your room - and you will stay out of his. As a gesture of goodwill, you will include him in dinner plans from now on.

No, you shouldn't have to cook for him but I definitely would just to try to keep the peace until you can shake him from your home for good.

Op ignore posters. There’s a lot of men on here these days that jump on these kind of threads. It’s a shame

She’s on bloody maternity leave

Then op should be paying half of everything

That. I was 100% with you until you said that he's paying for everything. You can't be separated but have him paying for you. If the sexes were reversed and you were paying all the living costs for a separated DH people would be calling for his blood.

If you were divorced, he'd pay CM whether you were on mat leave or not.

Where did you read that he terminated the marriage with no warning?

Door wedge under the door op should stop him dead

You are fine with not doing the wife work but you then can’t expect any more than child support from him. He has no obligation to fund your half of the bills

oooh a solicitor here.

you have no clue about their financial situation or their legal standing. She does not need to accept him getting naked in front of her daily. End of. Sort yourself out

Make enough only for you and DC. An exact amount to do you and the DC and don't take your eyes off it until its plated up and put down in front of you and DC. Don't let him get his hands on it.

Get a lock for your bedroom door.

Hopefully your boundaries will get rid of him quicker.

You are fine with not doing the wife work but you then can’t expect any more than child support from him. He has no obligation to fund your half of the bills.

Lock on the door. Or tell him you’ll report him for exposure/ sexual harassment.

Yes speak to a solicitor ffs and get this sorted asap.

I think you need to take a step back and look at two periods here. The next four weeks. And then the rest of the future.

The next four weeks, are a bit of an anomaly. You aren't bringing in any income, so you can't really say he should be acknowledging at least half of the childcare equivalent cost you are providing, because if he did cover that, you're not actually working on the days he would be theoretically paying for. It's not reasonable to expect him to pay half the childcare when you don't work, and therefore don't need any paid childcare for yourself, whilst expecting to live off his money on those days.

Honestly, for the next four weeks, suck it up and continue chores, cooking, childcare, as you have done thus far as a married couple. Yes, you're doing all the childcare, but he's 100% funding you. You both need to accept that you need to afford each other that courtesy, for four more weeks. It's nothing in the scheme of things.

When you return to work, you both pay 50/50 for everything. And at this point, claim your CMS, and UC. Now, completely separate your chores, own cooking, own laundry. You may have to compromise on communal chores, perhaps that he keeps the garden, bins, any maintenance in order, and you run the hoover round. You do the kitchen. He does the bathrooms.

It's going to be a nightmare, frankly, and the sooner you are both out of this, the better.

Google hotel room door lock portable and select one that suits the door type you have. Don't even need a screwdriver for that.

Put a chain on your bedroom door after you take all his clothes and put them in the spare room. Or get a locksmith to put a lock on it.

Contact a solicitor about putting the house on the market or him buying you out.