Don't want to go on holidays with mil every year

You are a saint. You have never been on holiday without her? I just don’t get mothers-in-law who behave like this. My mum would never impose like this. My mil was not like this.

When I am hopefully a mother-in-law, I would not dream of coming on every single holiday, unless I was genuinely begged. How dare she assume she takes the front seat etc. Ugh.

Your husband is not helping the situation so you will have to be assertive. Stop being a doormat.

Right.

I love my DH and children, but also go on day trips and international solo trips to get a break and recharge and I’m a much better person for it and for them afterwards. Not as many question it when fathers go off on their own, or ask about them spending time with their wife and kids.

Your mother in law might not have left.

But your children will only be child for a few short years. And he's pissing that away.

The sport event is the issue here.

And theres your problem.

Hes a selfish bastard who put you last.

You come after his mother.
You come after his sport.

You are perfectly reasonable is saying you want a family holiday just with you and the kids.

HE makes the choice to go with his Mum or do his sport over and above you and the kids.

Call him on it.

Say he needs to demostrate he gives a shit and you don't come in third place.

(I bet he ditches his Mum over the sport).

The irony of you repeatedly criticising OP's communication with her husband, when you can't even participate in this thread without being rude. Calling her pathetic and simpering, a "limp lettuce", being snarky when OP is 🤔 that you advance searched her, demanding to know whether she's taken your sage advice 🙄

OP it sounds like a nightmare and you've become a bit of a "boiled frog", accepting a situation that has evolved over many years and allowing other people to railroad you because you don't want to make a fuss. Not everybody is good at handling confrontation and unfortunately that tends to lead to situations like this, where your needs take a back seat (literally, in your case) to other people's because they are inconsiderate and are happy to let you languish at the bottom of the pile. You shouldn't have to advocate for yourself in a family because everyone should be considering the needs of all family members, but unfortunately your husband and his mother are selfish and manipulative. You are going to have to step out of your comfort zone and be direct with them to end this nonsense. Tell your husband that you expect a 1 week family holiday (no MIL) every year. That's non negotiable. He can then do what he wants with his other leave. He can spend it with his mother or watching sports. You don't need to go if you don't want to. As for her making rude comments about your body, that has got to stop. You need to get comfortable with calling her out on that. And whilst you shouldn't have to tell your DH to back you up, unfortunately yours is a mummy's boy who doesn't prioritise your happiness and well-being, so I would very directly tell him that you expect him to also immediately call her out if she does it in his presence.

To be honest I can't believe that there aren't lots of wider, day-to-day issues in a marriage with a man like this. So I think it's probable that these holidays are just a magnification of the problems in your relationship more generally. I mean, men don't tend to prioritise their wives and behave like considerate and supportive family men for 50 weeks of the year and then throw their entire personality out of the window and become a selfish man-child for the other 2. I think you would need to address the bigger issues if you want to create real and lasting change.

This was going to be my suggestion. X

We had this situation and one year we just told her we’re going on our own for just quality family time after a busy year. That then allowed us to set expectations for future holidays, and she came with us but usually every three years. Although I would add that my dh was onboard with this, and it sounds like yours isn’t. It was something we started to do after fil died because we felt sorry for her, but with hindsight we should have probably encouraged her to get a more independent life by going with friends etc. Can you perhaps just suggest going for a separate mini holiday with her, like a long weekend somewhere? Then use the two weeks just for you and dh/dcs?

Your pathetic husband is putting his mother before you and your kids. Just no. Time to start putting in boundaries.

As a child we would have holidays involving grandparents but not all of them. And certainly not by that age. My parents come on some holidays with DC and DH now but last holiday didn't really work due to different needs. We have one more family holiday booked next year but that's likely to be the last!
I'd just book a holiday for the 4 of you and deal with Mil afterwards. You are not being unreasonable in wanting a holiday without her. It totally changes the dynamic.

whenever I've brought it up in the past he gets all teary eyed " sure she probably hasn't many years left...."

Respond with ‘we don’t have many years left with the children being young and I would like them to have some memories of ‘our’ family holidays’.

@Fifteenth

she lives with them she spends loads of time with them.

op can go home and leave them all to it for the second half of the holiday and enjoy some time to herself! Get her nails done or whatever she wants! Winner

You'd think so, but for some MILs there seems to be a triumph in getting their son (pretty sure it's more about sons) to do what THEY want, I suppose a need to show they matter more than others. Speaking from experience. My DH has just invited his mum here for Christmas, without talking to me first. We don't have a guest room/bathroom, do not have live TV, and cannot possibly heat the house to her preferred equatorial temperature. I'm not very Christmassy and do not cook turkey/pigs in blankets etc that she will expect, so just leaving him to work it all out.

@EvelynBeatrice love it!

You might seem unreasonable but you have to become the problem as you are making it easy for your husband here by accepting the status quo that MIL goes on holiday with you.

You have some options, just say hell no she's not coming- or go for one of those compromises with one week with/one without and have a lovely time yourself child free - or just become a nightmare - if she is rude about your weight, make a lot of it, storm off, demand an apology. Grab the front seat first. Insist on doing the activities that you want to do that don't suit MIL and insist DH comes too as would be normal in a family holiday.

Assert yourself. It's not unreasonable although your DH/MIL will make you feel that it is.

"My weight is none of your business and if you ever speak to me like that again, it will be the last time I'm in your company. Being invited on our family holiday is a privilege, not a right" Stick to it.

How would he feel going on holiday with your mum every year? He should do a week with your mum because that's how long you tolerate his.

The 2 week holiday should be you, your DH and the children, especially if her limited mobility is restricting what the children can do. It’s not fair that the children are missing out.

You can then arrange a long week holiday which includes MIL and is more geared to what she can manage.

DH can then take her on his sporting trips so she gets more time with him.

How about you spend half the holiday all together with MIL and then you come home on your own for the rest of it!

enjoy some time to yourself- see your mates, get your nails done or whatever.

eveyone happy!

use the situation to your advantage
@Thequeenofthetypis

Next time, she offers you diet tips, tell her my weight is none of your business

Your MIL sounds like the bitch - not you. OP YANBU at all! No holidays ever without your bloody MIL tagging along? That's awful and your DH is a spineless blob for facilitating such an arrangement. I'm also not impressed with him for not standing up for you when his DM gives you 'diet tips'. If my DM did that to DH I'd tell her to pack it in. So why doesn't he? Honestly, I'd put my foot down, if it was me. I'd maybe agree to a short trip away with her each year, but our main holiday would be the four of us. With 21 days there should be enough to do that, plus your DH's sports weekends?

It seems the most obvious answer is to do half the holiday with her and half without. That’s what we used to do. A dual stop holiday makes this easier to organize.

@TeaKitten, actually offering diet tips when she sees OP in her swim costume is mean. I'd probably say nobody asked for your snide comments if my MiL ever made comments like that to me. It can't be nice being relegated to the back seat with MiL in the front either. OP should drive then leave her DH to sit in the back.

Wow he has enough holiday for regular sport events but you've never been on a family holiday?

He's very good at looking after himself isn't he?

You need to get better at prioritising yourself.

No way would I go on a second holiday with someone who made negative comments about my body!