Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Don't want to go on holidays with mil every year

157 replies

Thequeenofthetypis · 21/10/2023 08:24

I made the mistake of allowing the precedent to be set years ago, so now my mother in law comes on holidays with us every year.
I don't hate her, she's not awful. My kids love her and obviously oh loves her. BUT. I never really get to relax with her there, she's just a little passive aggressive and has some odd ways.
I'm trying to compromise with oh, whenever I've brought it up in the past he gets all teary eyed " sure she probably hasn't many years left...."
So my compromise is that the kids and I go for 1 week and he goes with mil for 2 ( because he wants to go for 2 weeks) I don't want to spend 2 weeks on holidays with my MIL, I just don't. I'm not mad or mean or unreasonable am I ????

OP posts:

BetterWithPockets · 21/10/2023 11:43

So my compromise is that the kids and I go for 1 week and he goes with mil for 2 ( because he wants to go for 2 weeks)

OP, apologies if someone else has already suggested this but why don’t you, DH & kids go for 2 weeks, ML for one?

Harrysmummy246 · 21/10/2023 11:42

We have at least one holiday with in laws each year. This year I left early to go back to work. It was bliss.
But this is fil, DH grandma and DH brother, wife, kids, it's a lot

Totaly · 21/10/2023 11:32

Your kids will be gone soon and it’s time you won’t get back

Interesting thought for the future when the teens go away with friends. What will you do then?

Feraldogmum · 21/10/2023 11:27

So your other half chooses to spend half his holidays away from you and can only go away with you if mum comes along. You have a relationship problem and a husband issue in that he's a total mummy's boy.
Ask him why he hates being alone with you for an extended time and can only cope with it if someone else is there for distraction.
My husband was close to his mum but he would never have contemplated taking her on a holiday with us or going on holiday without me, we are each others best friends and want to spend time with each other . You need to have a sit down and properly discuss this, how is the rest of your relationship?

Notmytotoro · 21/10/2023 11:26

3 weeks you and your family. MIL can see you all in another time.i don't understand why your DH prefers his mum than you his wife. It doesn't look like you both have a very loving relationship ...

MsRosley · 21/10/2023 11:25

MoulinPouge · 21/10/2023 09:32

What actually has a fixed expiry date is childhood. Your MIL might live another 5-10+ years, your children won't be the same and you won't be able to go back and make those memories.

You need to say to your husband that you would like to enjoy at least a 1-2 week holiday each year with just you as a family. The ages that your children are is precious, fleeting and you want to make lasting family memories without your MIL (and presumably the limitations brought by her age).

If your husband wants to prioritise his sporting event and his mother over this perfectly reasonable request, tell him frankly that he is damaging his marriage. You have the option, if he won't budge, to say that you simply aren't going on the holiday with MIL, as you would rather holiday by yourself with the children, like a separated couple. Obviously, only say this if it is what you would genuinely prefer (I wouldn't blame you!).

You can sympathise with his feelings about his mother, but they can't be allowed to unilaterally determine the parameters of your family life.

Don't make it about your MIL. This isn't about avoiding holidaying with her, but rather it's about making time for a holiday that's just with your husband and kids. It's then your husband's job to sort out other opportunities for holidaying with her.

Ideally he would also take her up on rude comments about your weight etc(!) but it's probably better to cross one bridge at a time...

Edited

Absolutely agree.

TinChristmas · 21/10/2023 11:16

This is really not normal OP.
All the posters saying sun it up, eh? Your DH prefers a week alone with his mother than with his wife and kids? Fuck no. He cries at the thought of not going on holiday?

say 2 weeks. That’s your family holiday. She comes for a week if that but you get 1 week as a family. I’d actually say 2 weeks as a family and weekends with her. Your kids will be gone soon and it’s time you won’t get back.

Sorry he’s just wrong and this is so weird to me.

Cordeliathecat · 21/10/2023 11:12

Thequeenofthetypis · 21/10/2023 08:47

Someone asked way back, he gets 21 days annually. He uses some remaining days for a sporting event he always goes to. Other days just at home, days out etc. Mil is in her 80s. I normally do a few long weekend/4 day breaks locally over the summer with the kids. Oh joins for the weekend if we go. He tried to bring MIL on these trips too but I said no way.

I would (and have in my own family) switch this around if I were you.

invite MIL on the short 4 days trip(s) over the summer but not on the big family 2 week holiday.

ActDottie · 21/10/2023 11:07

Yanbu I’d not like this.

Can you just start inviting mil to a shorter weekend break holiday instead of the main holiday? Like a long weekend in a cottage somewhere type thing?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 21/10/2023 11:07

If your dh wants a hol with his mum and the dc, he can organise it all, kids packing, travel, flights, accommodation etc.
Am assuming it's you who generally does all that? So happy to do that for the family hols, but if he wants a holiday with his mum, it's his responsibility!

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 21/10/2023 11:01

Be an awkward cow.
In my case it was my mum. Love her dearly. She came on hols with us for a few years after my Dad died. But I never really properly relaxed. So I did the hard job of resetting it.

pizzaHeart · 21/10/2023 10:59

bonzaitree · 21/10/2023 10:22

Tell your husband you’re having a holiday this year without your MIL.

End of discussion. Why does he always get to decide?

If there is endless fuss then you have your answer about where you sit in his list of priorities.

To be honest it’s probably the way to go, just be polite and brief. Your arguments: DC are missing out on valuable family time and appropriate activities. MIL- suggest her joining to his sporting events. At a push as a last resort suggest weekend away with all of you and her.
Do your DC actually like grandma being there or is it that you are doing such an amazing job by entertaining them that they are just happy?
You are not a bitch, you are unrecognised saint and martyr of the Motherhood, both at the same time.

Totaly · 21/10/2023 10:56

The only solution is for you to say to DH that your aren’t going. No ifs or buts - you aren’t going.

He can then either take him mother and children or just his mother.

Either way he has to make that choice.

You book a separate holiday with the children and take the car!! You don’t have to explain anything to MIL about where you are going or when - just Sorry we’re away that week.

Your DH is the biggest problem here and you’re letting it happen to your own disadvantage.

DiolchamFawr · 21/10/2023 10:50

“She might not have long left” yep, my husband said this when my MIL was 80.
She turned 96 in September.

JFDIYOLO · 21/10/2023 10:48

Take the two weeks.

Have week one with husband and kids.

Then she can join you for the second week. (Not the other way round as she may just not leave and your DH will support that).

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/10/2023 10:47

It honestly baffles me that you're finding this all so difficult? The answer is that you have a two week holiday and MIL attends a week or a weekend of it. DH can then sacrifice more of his time if he wishes to take her away again.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 10:43

Thequeenofthetypis · 21/10/2023 09:03

Also tried this. She sits in the back when I drive so he can have the front.

Show quote history

Next time she tries to shotgun the front seat, sit on her lap.

Goodornot · 21/10/2023 10:39

Which end of 80s is MIL? If she's early 80s I wouldn't count on it that she doesn't have long left...

Frida2023 · 21/10/2023 10:35

This sounds like a really difficult situation, it’s been happening for years and now it feels hard to get out of. Firstly - you have the right the say “no” - you do not have to have anyone on holiday with you if you don’t want it. And it is certainly not ok for your husband to guilt trip you “we don’t know how long she has left” - as this is manipulative. I personally would hate to have my MIL on holiday ever. You work hard, manage a family and you deserve time to fully relax on your own terms.

your OH has had things his way for far too long and it sounds like you’ve finally got fed up with it. So - how does it sound to say to OH “ mil has joined us for so many holidays, this year I want to have a family trip just us”. How do you imagine he will react? If he guilt trips you, doesn’t listen, refuses to allow you to get what you want, or reacts badly, then I think the issue is with him. A reasonable partner would understand how you feel and least compromise. It sounds like he and MIL are the core group and you and the kids just “join “ them on holiday. You, OH and the kids should be the primary family group.

2jacqi · 21/10/2023 10:33

so on the above basis can we safely assume that you have never been able to take your kids to disney??? I would make sure the next holiday is disney and if she goes she can just sit in hotel cos she wont want to walk all day. Is hubby an only child? Just how thick skinned can MIL be wanting to go away with you every single year? I would not be tolerating even one holiday with MIL. Holidays are supposed to be about getting away from everyone apart from your immediate family. As for her always sitting in the front passenger seat when OH drives, then that definitely did not happen with me even though hubby tried it! I just said a flat NO!!! your OH is not being considerate of you at all!! his immediate family is meant to be his priority and that only means you and the kids! She is now extended family

Ellie1015 · 21/10/2023 10:32

I think a better compromise is that you, oh and kids go for 2 weeks and MIL joins for second week. Oh can collect her from airport if helps.

Also try and train yourself to see her rude comments as her character flaw and not anyhing to be insulted by. (Easier said than done.)

Coffeepot72 · 21/10/2023 10:27

DH can then take her on his sporting trips so she gets more time with him.

Perfect!

1990thatsme · 21/10/2023 10:25

You are a mug saint and there is no way I would do this.

Also, why does DH get such shit holiday?

KeratinCan · 21/10/2023 10:24

You need to tell your husband that you want one proper family holiday a year without mil and ‘get all teary eyed " sure we don’t have many years left with our children at home....".