Don't want to go on holidays with mil every year

Thequeenofthetypis · 2023-10-21T07:24:25+00:00

I made the mistake of allowing the precedent to be set years ago, so now my mother in law comes on holidays with us every year. I don't hate her, she's not awful. My kids love her and obviously oh loves her. BUT. I never really get to relax with her there, she's just a little passive aggressive and has some odd ways. I'm trying to compromise with oh, whenever I've brought it up in the past he gets all teary eyed " sure she probably hasn't many years left...." So my compromise is that the kids and I go for 1 week and he goes with mil for 2 ( because he wants to go for 2 weeks) I don't want to spend 2 weeks on holidays with my MIL, I just don't. I'm not mad or mean or unreasonable am I ????

CalmBalonz · 19/11/2024 23:54

He is emotionally manipulative. Put your foot down!

Refillfast · 25/10/2023 08:07

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OrderOfTheKookaburra · 25/10/2023 07:02

Warn him that if he fucks up the conversation and she still believes it will be 2 weeks altogether then it will be zero weeks with you and the DC and he can spend the 2 weeks just with her.

Refillfast · 25/10/2023 06:38

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Totaly · 21/10/2023 22:53

So have you agreed one week the 4 of you and one week 4 plus MIL? Or is it one week 4 of you and he has one week with Mum?

Original poster

Thequeenofthetypis · 21/10/2023 19:26

Thanks to everyone who replied, it genuinely helped me feel stronger in broaching this with oh. We had a chat this avo and I was just very calm, matter of fact and firm. I said that it's affecting his time with the kids and pretty soon they won't want to come at all. That really hit home with him so I kept bringing it back to this. He tried his usual deflection tactics and weird subject changes and dragging random stuff up from the past. I just kept repeating " 1 week is enough, 1 week is enough, 1 week is enough" And 1 week is fine with mil, we will do another week then later just the 4 of us.
He hasn't told her yet obviously. I told him that that is between the 2 of them, I don't want or need to know how that conversation goes, but 1 week is the agreement and I won't budge on that.
I'm happy, I feel it's fair on everyone. Thanks to everyone who replied. Hopefully I won't be back on bitching and moaning again next August 😉

OP posts:

Simplelobsterhat · 21/10/2023 16:12

Surely the obvious answer is to have 2 separate one week holidays, one on which MIL is invited and one just the 4 of you?
I don't mind the occasional short break with extended family, but I don't relax as much as I do just us, or get to do as many things as I want to, so a week just the 4 of us somewhere every year is non negotiable.
I get that's it's kind to include mil if she is on her own, and now a precedent has been set it's hard to get out of, but if you keep doing a week with her she can't really complain.

wizzywig · 21/10/2023 15:15

I'd want to know why he doesn't want to be alone with you and the kids?

NalafromtheLionKing · 21/10/2023 14:50

PantsToItAll · 21/10/2023 12:20

Your DH is selfish and so is his mother (she knows she’s there every holiday). It’s your children and your family time that’s suffering. Your teen and preteen are restricted in activities due to MIL’s age. These are the years where family holidays should be somewhat active and fun for the children and you as their parents. Not having to sneak off on local buses just to be able to do some activities without MIL.

It sounds like you as a family have sufficient leave and finances to do a two week holiday and other long weekends or day trips. I’d be saying to DH that a 10/14 night family holiday is non negotiable every year (discuss bonding as a family and how the children will be up and away before you know it leading their own lives). Then with remaining leave you can accommodate MIL on long weekends away etc (whether you join them or leave it to DH and the kids would vary). He can balance the amount of these weekends with his mum v weekend of his sport in whatever way he wishes (bet the sport wins!) but the fortnight holiday is you and kids only. Be firm OP. It’s only going to get worse as she ages with more health or mobility issues and your children will get fed up and duck out of going long before they might have otherwise.

Absolutely this. I would make the next holiday somewhere active and long haul (Asia) for the two weeks, and MIL can instead join a long weekend in the U.K. or Europe.

Totaly · 21/10/2023 13:26

I agree if MIL can manage the back when you drive - your MIL can manage the back when DH drives -

Clearly it’s not an issue then is it?

Let us know how you get on, do not take no for an answer -

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/10/2023 13:19

There’s so much going on here, and I agree with PPs that you are not being unreasonable.

Just one thing - you have to sit in the back? I can understand why maybe an elderly woman can’t get in the back, but in these circumstances you drive and DH goes in the back. I can see from your other posts you can driven.

Gymnopedie · 21/10/2023 13:14

OP I'm sorry if this is an insensitive question but where are your parents in this? How much do you get to see them (in general, not just holidays) compared to his mother? Is he happy to be with them or does he stay at home?

I have a feeling this is all one sided.

EarthSight · 21/10/2023 13:05

@NnarcissaMalfoy I know....poor OP. She's getting some odd, unsupportive messages on here today. I think a lot of defensive mother-in-laws must be online this morning. I think she's been quite accommodating so far. She's not asking for a medal, just one bloody holiday without his mother FFS.

EarthSight · 21/10/2023 13:03

Thequeenofthetypis · 21/10/2023 08:42

@TeaKitten We actually did this once, I had a family do for my side so came home a few days early. He nearly lost one of the dc in the airport so now that dc doesn't want to travel with just him. Dd2 doesn't want to stay without dd1. I don't know. Maybe I am just an awkward cow. If I just sucked it up everyone would be happy, except me.
She gives me " helpful" diet tips when she sees me in a swimsuit. I always have to sit in the back of the car and she gets the front.
I'm a fool if I do put up with it. But I'm a bitch if I don't.

😂

This made me laugh. Omg OP. Fuck that shit. You serve a single bloody holiday without your passive aggressive mother in law being there, and you shouldn't be guilt tripped about that. I don't think you're asking for much. The fact that you have to sit in the back every time says so much to me about where you are in the pecking order when it comes to you and his mum.

Jellywobblescobbles · 21/10/2023 12:30

Robotalkingrubbish · 21/10/2023 08:33

I think you’re amazing @Thequeenofthetypis . You’ve been so generous in sharing your precious holidays with your MIL. If you now want a holiday with just your DH and DC then you should go for that, rather than the compromise suggested.

Personally, even though like you I didn’t hate my MIL and got on with her, I refused to ever have a holiday with her.

Totally agree with this. No-one is coming on holiday with us. Ever.

PantsToItAll · 21/10/2023 12:28

OP you are still compromising too much imo especially given the way she speaks to you and treats you.

can you not make your DH see that his commitment to keeping a close parent/child relationship going via these holidays with his mum/him is actually causing problems for HIS children forming a close parent/child relationship via holidays with him/DC. Lots of memories and relationships are formed on family holidays (any type of holiday or day out really outside the normal day to day grind).

NnarcissaMalfoy · 21/10/2023 12:23

Thequeenofthetypis · 21/10/2023 08:42

@TeaKitten We actually did this once, I had a family do for my side so came home a few days early. He nearly lost one of the dc in the airport so now that dc doesn't want to travel with just him. Dd2 doesn't want to stay without dd1. I don't know. Maybe I am just an awkward cow. If I just sucked it up everyone would be happy, except me.
She gives me " helpful" diet tips when she sees me in a swimsuit. I always have to sit in the back of the car and she gets the front.
I'm a fool if I do put up with it. But I'm a bitch if I don't.

She gives you diet tips and relegates you to the back seat?!?! She can get to fuck! OP you are a saint for putting up with her all this time. A saint!

Original poster

Thequeenofthetypis · 21/10/2023 12:20

She needs help getting through the airport, probably should have the wheelchair assistance but refuses, as she is f" fine". I suspect The kids want to come home with me ( if I go early) is that I make sure they have fun ( as a pp also surmised). I will tell him he is missing out on the years that our kids actually want to be with us and tbh he's missing out on alot of fun already. He can make up his own mind then. She is very manipulative so he most likely will do whatever she wants.
But I am happy presenting this now as a good and fair compromise, regardless of what they come back at me with!

OP posts:

PantsToItAll · 21/10/2023 12:20

Your DH is selfish and so is his mother (she knows she’s there every holiday). It’s your children and your family time that’s suffering. Your teen and preteen are restricted in activities due to MIL’s age. These are the years where family holidays should be somewhat active and fun for the children and you as their parents. Not having to sneak off on local buses just to be able to do some activities without MIL.

It sounds like you as a family have sufficient leave and finances to do a two week holiday and other long weekends or day trips. I’d be saying to DH that a 10/14 night family holiday is non negotiable every year (discuss bonding as a family and how the children will be up and away before you know it leading their own lives). Then with remaining leave you can accommodate MIL on long weekends away etc (whether you join them or leave it to DH and the kids would vary). He can balance the amount of these weekends with his mum v weekend of his sport in whatever way he wishes (bet the sport wins!) but the fortnight holiday is you and kids only. Be firm OP. It’s only going to get worse as she ages with more health or mobility issues and your children will get fed up and duck out of going long before they might have otherwise.

ForthegracegoI · 21/10/2023 12:17

You may or may not be BU but…

Does your MIL have anyone else to go on holiday with? Is your DH an only child?
Does she live on her own? If she doesn’t go with you, would she go away at all?

If you are her only means of having a holiday and she does want to go on holiday still, I would find it hard to never take her.

We took FIL on holiday for several years. It was a pain, but he didn’t have anyone else to go with (mil in a nursing home, dSIL doesn’t really go away at all) and was missing an annual holiday. It’s come to an end as he just stopped enjoying it and was finding it very hard work keeping up with us (two teenage boys: DH ended up doing sport stuff with them while I shuffled around castles and tea shops with FIL 😂). We take him out for lunch / dinner / day trips now, that’s enough.

however, DH and I are both teachers / work in schools so have 8 weeks to play with. We’d have a short break with fil and a proper family holiday another time.

RedHelenB · 21/10/2023 12:11

TeaKitten · 21/10/2023 08:28

Why can’t you do a weeks holiday with MIL and then a weeks holiday without her? I don’t see why the kids need to loose out on a weeks holiday that they’d otherwise enjoy.

This.

Original poster

Thequeenofthetypis · 21/10/2023 12:09

@MrsAmaretto he uses around 4 days to go away himself, other 6 are over Christmas/ midterm at home or doing day trips with us.
Thanks to all for perspectives and good advice.
The boiling frog analogy really is a good one, I just couldn't see whether I was the unreasonable one, I'm so conditioned. My relationship with oh is another days work.
A pp asked when the kids no longer go will it be me mil and oh on holiday. No. No it will not. He comes from a very enmeshed family and mil pulls all the strings with everyone. I've been tangled up in it all now and I'm only just realising that.

OP posts:

MrsAmaretto · 21/10/2023 12:03

Your dh spends half his annual leave doing what he wants child and wife free?????

miserablebitch · 21/10/2023 12:01

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/10/2023 09:52

How about you spend half the holiday all together with MIL and then you come home on your own for the rest of it!

enjoy some time to yourself- see your mates, get your nails done or whatever.

eveyone happy!

use the situation to your advantage
@Thequeenofthetypis

That is playing right into MIL’s hands. She gets her 2 week holiday, but OP only gets 1, and has to put up with MIL for that 1 week, meaning that OP never has her holiday with just her ‘D’H and her DC’s. I’m sure her DC’s would also like a break with just their parents.

@Thequeenofthetypis Perhaps a better compromise would be for just you and DC’s to go away for a week, while ‘D’H has a week away, just him and MIL, then meet up for a second week all together. Still means that you don’t get your just family holiday, but at least you’re not with MIL all the time. Plus, maybe MIL would realise that she’s being unfair, especially if you phrase it that the DC’s want to have a more active/adventurous holiday, which they can’t do if holidaying with MIL! Also might mean DH gets jealous, of your and DC’s break, while he has his week away alone with mummy.

Seriously OP, the time is fast arriving that your DC’s won’t want to go away with you, and you will regret that you’ve never had that holiday just the 4 of you.

BetterWithPockets · 21/10/2023 11:46

We are quite restricted in where we go and what we do because of Mils mobility. I try to bring the kids places myself but if I take the car she insists on coming ( for the drive) So on the last holiday we took local buses and left her and oh at home.

Also, you are mad to do this. Take the car and if she ends up sitting there all day because you and the kids are busy, then so be it…