Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

I think they’re too old to be sleeping with you. My son slept with me until he was about 6 but I felt it was the right age to transition when he got to that age. We spent a few weeks discussing it and why he couldn’t sleep in mummy’s bed anymore. He wasn’t keen and the first night he screamed all night. The second night was better and by the third he was fine with it.

I would hardly call what these kids have been through "a bad experience". Trauma is very very real, and the op says he has PTSD. I have CPTSD an adult and it's a fucking nightmare.

Adverse childhood experiences, alongside neurodiversity is no walk in the park. I also have several of these. You just come over as unsympathetic, minimising what this poor kid has been through.

Maybe I am wrong but I always understood that a boy who has gone through puberty and sleeps with his mum has a conflict between sexual desire and the fact that the mother is out of bounds and said conflict can cause them lifelong problems. I am not a psychologist so I don't know if that is really the case or not.

I think it is time that you suggest to the kids that they have their own beds - on the floor of your room and then, ideally, in their own rooms.
You have to start some time as sleeping with you is not sustainable for many more years. The sooner you start, the slower you can take it.

It's not appropriate for them to share a bed with your partner and I think he understands that. You will want a full relationship with your partner so I think he is doing you both a favour in bringing up the issue.

You deserve your own space and the kids need to grow up.

Kids come first.

He's been supportive for a long time. He hasn't pressured her. He made one comment. People attacking this man, who seems far more supportive than most would be, are out of line imo. He has been from all accounts, extremely supportive. Most men would not accept this.

he’s a wonder Supportive guy.

No he’s not, sounds like he’s trying to control the way you parent your traumatised children.

But it is strange. You yourself admit this when you say you have a unique setup. It's not normal. That doesn't mean it's wrong but it isn't normal. You admit this yourself, so I don't understand why you're shocked he would state a fact? What about school overnight trips, sleepovers etc? You seem too busy living in the now that you are not looking ahead and planning. The situation isn't healthy for any of you and he was right to say something. He wouldn't be doing his part as a friend if he didn't try to make you think.

the AIBU is this: tonight he said quite randomly Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my son is still sleeping with me and that needs
to change.

@Tangofantastic he has overstepped. He doesn’t get to tell you how to parent your children, or dictate parental decisions. And telling you that it is strange to still allow your 10 yr old son to co sleep with you is not respectful.

He can disagree respectfully and acknowledge that he would parent differently. But, he still should accept that even though he would (if he was a parent) make different parenting decisions doesn’t mean that you are wrong or strange to do it your way. He should accept that you know your children best and know exactly what the right parenting decisions are for you and your child. And not undermine you.

However, I think this is more about him wanting more from you then you are able or prepared to give. And really, he just needs to accept that he can’t have more right now. And he shouldn’t be trying to manipulate you into putting his wants above yours and your children’s needs.

Autism or not, bad experience or not, it really is not healthy for anyone for two (not just one!) children to be sleeping with you. Boundaries need to be put in place, especially when a child has autism - and he will get upset, but that's tough sadly, he will eventually get used to it. It sounds like it's gone on far too long and now you're afraid of breaking the habit. Did he/they sleep with you when you were with their father?

This was my first thought. Basically he's fed up and no longer filtering.

My 14 year old DS would still probably quite happily crawl into bed with me occasionally! My eldest wouldn't as he likes his space.

I agree with @Mumtobabyhavoc , I think he's been discussing it with someone else and they've said it's weird, so he's changed his viewpoint.

You and your DC have obviously been through so much, I'm not surprised they're clinging to you. It's a shame your friend doesn't seem to be as supportive now.

I don’t know what to make of your boyfriend’s comment.

as for your son, you aren’t wrong to prioritize his need for comfort and sleep. ASD kids often benefit from co-sleeping and if he has experienced trauma I wouldn’t be in a rush to end things .

I am a big fan of the floor bed option. It’s what we did for our own child. It’s less permanent than setting up a cot in your room for him, but it provides a separate space that is still very close . It took my dd several years to transition out of our bed, to the floor bed and then into her room. There came a point it was propped up on a wall it was used so seldom, but she still would occasionally enter in the middle of the night and just set herself up. Then one day we realized it had been over a year since she had used it and with her permission it was retired.

My kids aren't ND and they used to sneak into my bed for years! It stops naturally as they get older. It's very normal.

You say you're taking it slowly. How slow? Weeks? Months? Years?

As a single parent I never had a boyfriend stay over when my kids were in the house. Why would I? I saw them at weekends if they were at their dads or during the week if I could get a babysitter.

You need to ask yourself why is your bf forcing his opinions on you? What's he got to do with your parenting? Is his opinions in the best interest of your kids?

To be honest if any man gave me their unwanted opinion on my parenting skills I'd tell them to get lost.

Just be careful OP he doesn't sound like a good 'un. You walked away from one abusive relationship don't sleep walk into another.

Have you tried the Freedom programme?

OP, makes me wonder if he's chatted with someone who has a different opinion, maybe told him your situation was weird, and now he's taking a different stance as someone may have told him he was wrong to go along with and get involved with your current situation.
Just have a chat with him and ask what has changed his opinion.
I agree with others here that you and kids come first and to move at your own pace with them. Also suggest counselling. Good luck. 💐

As child therapist/SW it actually is surprisingly usual, even without the trauma aspect.
A good number of dc that age still regularly co-sleep with parents.

Your boyfriend isn't a parent though and so it seems unusual to him. Because parents don't talk about it that much.

I’m incredibly surprised by the vote.

I don’t understand why anyone would prioritise a new partner over a traumatised child.

I don’t think he is such a good egg, tbh.
How long have you been together taking things ‘so slowly’ because that provides important context about the comment he has made, I think

I voted YANBU as I think you are putting your DC first. At some point your DS will be ready to move into his own room.

Honestly, I think you need to priorise the needs (not wants or wishes) of your 10YO, who’s been though so much.

It really doesn’t sound as if you’re in the right place to be getting into a relationship just yet.

Down the line when you’ve all healed a bit, and your (very young) DS isn’t so traumatised by other men, possibly. But not yet.

Bring it up with him to see what he says, and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

If you’re happy with co-sleeping that’s great. But I think he’s wondering whether your relationship can transition to another level. What if you move in together? How will sleeping arrangements work? An adult man cannot co-sleep with two children. He probably feels very uncomfortable and It opens him up to the potential of undesirable allegations as well.

I think you need to talk with him openly. What do you want, how do you see it working. Your children should be your main priority, and maybe now is not the time to be entering a relationship.

Your kids your rules.

I'd be ending things with him- he's shown a side of himself you didn't know. There is so much more you don't know. He obviously sees himself moving in with you all hence pushing the kids out of their bed- and it is and has been their sleep bed for a while now.

Look after you and your kids first.

Not strange at all. You sound like a fantastic mother who knows what her kids need. Boyfriend can suck it up.