Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

Your 10yo needs this set up right now. It won't be forever.

Your partner says it's strange and needs to change - why is he telling you how to parent?
What else will 'need to change' in future as your relationship progresses?

I would not be putting the 'wants' of my partner before the 'needs' of my child.

Our first step was that it was weekends only (it was starting to get a bit crowded, and I wasn't sleeping well)

A couple of times I slept in with them in their room (my two share, with no interest in having their own rooms yet)

After a while of weekends only, and it was agreed that they were even bigger now, and no-one was sleeping well, and we'd swap in and out (one child one day of the weekend, the other the other day)

And no, finally, 2.5 years after my split, they generally sleep in their own beds, and only end up in mine if ill/something like a night mare or school worry.

Mine are 9 and 12.

If you consider history since the human race began, it is only very very recently that most people have had homes with multiple bedrooms where young children sleep alone.

I think any new man trying to change the way you raise your children, particularly given your context, is a bit of a red flag. It sounds like he is trying to get you to put his needs and wants above theirs and personally, I would find that very off putting.

@Tangofantastic You sound like a great mum. Don’t worry about what anyone says about co sleeping.

For those who are trying to make out that it is psychologically detrimental to co sleep with your older children, keep in mind that there are differing views by experts. Also, keep in mind that it is predominantly western culture that frowns upon it and that it is more accepted and practiced in other cultures around the world. Additionally, it is only in recent history that western culture started normalising sleeping separately.

Here is an excerpt from an article about co sleeping that some might find interesting or helpful.

https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/preschool/good-news-for-parents-who-cosleep-with-their-kids/news-story/f5c3ee76923290945d426ba2c5075112

I am a psychologist who directs a clinic specialising in sleep difficulties in children from birth to 18 years. I am also a researcher in paediatric sleep. I have seen first-hand the strong opinions people have about parents co-sleeping (or not) with their children.
While we need to be mindful of safety and SIDS when co-sleeping with infants, there is no problem with co-sleeping with older children in and of itself.

It sounds to me like he expected when you and he got together that you'd gradually start putting things in place to transition the kids out of your room. And now he's realised that there's been no progress at all and he's wondering how much longer it will take. Sounds like he was hoping all along that you and he would work towards having a "normal" relationship, and he was prepared to support you with getting to that point, but his timeline and yours are not matching up. Can you find out from him what his honest expectations are? Then lay your cards in the table so he's completely clear about what you are prepared to do.

What he said was fine. You making your own choice is also fine.

I do think that you might want to have a conversation with him where you stand and what you both need. He might want more intimacy if you do too you need to discuss this.

How long have you been seeing him? How long since you split up with your ex? Do the kids see him at all?

your boyfriend (?) is right when he says that this is strange / unusual. It obviously is (for the general population). And I do believe that you need to face the fact that it may have an impact on your relationship.

but that definitely does not mean that you should change your set up because of that.
and I absolutely do not think that you should prioritise this man’s needs and or preferences over your child’s.

thinking about how to transition from this to something that will be more comfortable to both of you when he starts puberty is however something I would strongly consider and start preparing for now.

There will come a moment where this setup won’t work anymore. And preparing yourself and him for that moment in advance seems much better.
the floor bed really might be a good first step.

I'm in a group for parents of kids with autism and sleeping in the same bed as mum at this age is completely normal. It may be unusual for NT kids but that's not the case for neurodiverse ones. My DS is 10 and still sleeps in my bed (along with 1 million teddies).

It is a good point. There are various studies online to back this up that it isn't a good idea to sleep with children this age.

For all the anti co-sleeping… My dd co slept with me until she was part way through year 7. It only started when she was about 7 and we were burgled. The guy came into my bedroom whilst I was asleep. A slat on dd’s bed was broken the same night. Idk if I did it getting her out of bed (she remembers nothing). Anyway the next morning she found herself in bed with me and I made darn sure it took a long time to mend the bed. She then didn’t want to leave, much to my relief as I felt that was the only way to keep her safe. So that’s about 4 years of co-sleeping. She’s now 15 and has no issues at all nor did she have issues with sleepovers, school trips etc.

I think he’s right . Perhaps it’s time to start transitioning the children to their own space. If he’s been a good friend to your family , I would not jump to think that he had ulterior motives.

Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my son is still sleeping with me and that needs to change

wow. If my DH had of said that I would have told him to do one let alone a guy who didn’t live with me. Two of our kids bed shared with us for years. The others didn’t, because all kids are different. The longest stopped of his own accord around 15yo, he has ASD if it’s of relevance. It was hilarious as at that point he was over 6’ so not a little additional bed fellow and quite squishy at that point tbh 🤣. They will stop when they are ready. I wouldn’t put up with anyone pointing out they were strange and this needed to change, they would be binned asap.

I think you're right to prioritise your child & also right to think about encouraging him to sleep alone - gradually. Both my kids got into bed with me a lot and both gradually developed a strong sense of privacy when they were about 12. My son now mucks about at bedtime & jumps into my bed when I'm brushing my teeth & pretends to be asleep. He wouldn't dream of staying now though.

@bigbish it really isn't a good point. It's meaningless, cod psychology that doesn't reflect the situation here.

I also think he's too old. Some good suggestions on this thread.

Yes he has PTSD, but he will be going into puberty soon. There's a chance he will start having wet dreams. He needs his own privacy and you need yours, regardless of your new partner or not OP.
You sound like an excellent mum. And part of being a good parent is to make the right choices so our children can thrive.

Putting your son first will be to help him gain his trust back in life, to show him he is safe and he can sleep independently. If he has PTSD, you don't want to exacerbate that and he get bullied at school if his classmates find out he's still sleeping with you as a tween. It will get to the point where it will benefit him to start sleeping independently. Posters saying he will do it in his own time etc, his brain is very traumatised. He may not know how or get the signals to do it. Especially if he has autism.

I'd start the transition very very slowly. Best of luck OP.

@Tangofantastic it sounds to me like you are giving your children what they need right now which is important.

Yes, it would be great if they both felt able to sleep in their own beds but at the moment they don't so I say, go with it.

You said your son would struggle with you being in a new relationship with a man. That's very common for children who have experienced domestic abuse so likely more challenging for him given his neurodiversity and the way he might understand/process things.

It sounds like your boyfriend has tried to be understanding but has become impatient. He might have thought he was able to take it at the pace your family needs but in reality he probably thought this would be resolved before now.

You both need to be honest about what's happening here and probably accept this isn't the right time for this relationship unless he can accept that your children are your priority always.

Not every relationship has to follow the same pathway-stay over, move in, blend lives and families and that's often not the right thing when kids are involved.
It's ok to date, be more casual, never plan to live together etc you just both have to want this. It won't work if one partner is constantly wanting/needing more than the other person is able/willing to give.

This is a really good point.

I do think 10 years is far too old for this

I know he said all the right things previously, but this is not the right time for him to be in your life in this capacity.

you’re a great mum by the sounds, keep prioritising those kids- and yourself.

this man isn’t the right man, right now. Maybe later.

If it needs to be your voice, could you record some stories on a CD for him and put them in an old school CD player / headphones? Or give him a tablet with sound cancelling headphones and have reassurance and some stories to listen to so he has your voice but you get some privacy? If you haven't tried that, I'd give that a go.

It's ok to pass a post by without comment when it's clear that you don't know anything about the subject you know.

Have you read about the trauma these children have experienced or the fact that the 10 year old has autism?

That's basically what I was trying to say but this explains it better

Yanbu

I agree.

You should always put your kids first OP but I don't think you're compatible at the moment. He wants a sexual relationship with you. He's entitled to that.

So you should carry on putting your kids first, but I don't think the relationship will work.