Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

I think you need to draw a very firm line in the sand and tell him he isn’t allowed to comment on your parenting at all.

You and your children are in a very vulnerable place after being victims of domestic violence. Do not be drawn into parenting decisions that aren’t your own just to make him happy.

If your relationship with him isn’t going as fast as he would like and he is frustrated then that is a separate topic.

Hi OP, are you and/ or your children in receipt of any counselling? Considering the trauma you mentioned this might be a good starting point for all of you. I understand that your boyfriend’s comment stung but I understand where he is coming from. This will unlikely fix itself, which means that your relationship will never surpass the part time phase.

My DD slept with me until around 11, then when her periods started and landed her with a blood transfusion and years of feeling dizzy she came back for a year. Some people did think it was weird. I didn’t care. I did date a single dad earlier this year and his DD’s were in his bed most of the night. Our relationship never got to the stage of meeting kids etc, my DD is 15 now and happy in her own bed but I’d never expect someone to move their kids out of their bed for me.

I was going to say he’s just after a shag, but he’s probably thinking of next steps and how it would work with you both if he ever did move in. I wouldn’t move my distressed child out of my bed for any man, that’s why I’m happily single

Would you consider this OP?

But things do need to be adapted / changed naturally over time for things to progress. Yes OPs kids come first but her partner is within his rights to want a little bit of privacy with his partner.

He does not sound like a nice guy at all! He’s already bullying you and disrespectful towards your families needs.

I think your boundaries are still wobbly from being in an abusive relationship and this guys picked up on your vulnerability.

Please put your kids first as they have already gone through a lot and do not need a man coming into their lives so soon.

You know what’s best for your dc @Tangofantastic . Your dp has no say. If he doesn’t like the arrangements he should walk away.

I think if it works for you and your children then continue it but I would be preparing for your son to start sleeping in his own bed at some stage now he is getting older.

If you are not open to that then in a way this guy has got a point if you are looking at moving your relationship on and living together.

I have two dc with special needs and I dated for a long time after I divorced but I did eventually give up for reasons like this as it was easier to be on my own. My dc didn’t sleep with me but there were many extra demands on me eg phone calls to pick them up from school or childcare so trying to have a social life was hard and tbh not totally fair on a new partner.

He’s not wrong to be fair. Your son will need to be able to sleep on his own by the time he’s a teen never mind an adult. Is it something you think he will grow out of?

You say you're talking about the future with him, but how exactly?

You'd both like more time together. You don't say if this is overnight, but just a few hours once or maybe twice a week, isn't a relationship.

Realistically, could your boyfriend ever move in? He certainly can't share the bed with you and your children. What if your son never wants to move from your bed?

You're putting your children first, understandable, but that does mean your needs/wants don't get considered, and I don't think it's fair for your boyfriend to keep waiting on an unknown.

If I'm being kind I'd say he should but out and wind his neck in.

If I'm being totally honest this is ringing bells for me.

You say he's a nice guy, maybe he's not and this is his mask slipping.

Proceed with caution. Give him and his words less power. You're the boss of you and your family. Keep centring you and your children.

This 'nice' guy is an added extra at best.

Using the term ‘strange’ wasn’t helpful, but YABU in that you cannot have your cake and eat it - if you want a relationship you do need to make space for it.

I suspect what he means is it’s strange you haven’t got a plan for addressing this by now. Obviously there are many reasons for that, and a different term would be better, but he isn’t wrong that it needs to be a plan for it to be addressed, else when will I change?

It’s entirely up to you what you do, but it’s reasonable for him to want to know what the next few years will look like. Calling him ‘sweet’ is fine, but he doesn’t exist to support you, he has needs too. You may need to have a honest conversation on what you have time for right now, and both decide if it has a future.

👆Just this for me. Continue to put your children and their needs first.

I see his point:

It's inappropriate for him as an unrelated adult to share a bed with you while your children are also sleeping there - so until your DC are sleeping alone, then that part of your relationship is going to be a bit stuck in limbo.

However that doesn't mean you're wrong to co-sleep - you know your children best and know what works for them, but I do think you need to accept that it will limit ability to have an intimate relationship with a partner.

Obviously you have to put your DC ahead of any partner BUT he has a point. At some point in the not too distant future your son will hit puberty and then co-sleeping may no longer be an appropriate situation. You need to have a plan in place to handle this. Hopefully that's all your DP meant- not that you should chuck your D.C. out now to make room for him but that you need to be seeking advice for the future change as this situation can't continue indefinitely.

However I repeat, you are 100% doing the right thing by putting your DC first, just don't let your previous experience of coercive control make you assume your current partner doesn't mean well in saying this.

That’s a stretch.

I’d be extremely cautious about this sudden change in tone, has it all been an act somehow while he hooks you in, and now true colours are showing? The way he has said it seems a bit controlling. Don’t let him pressure you to move quicker than you want to. Your kids have different needs than he might be expecting. He needs to respect that.

Well done for escaping abuse. You sound like a wonderful mother. I think it'll take a long time to wind down the bed-sharing, so unless this is accepted by your boyfriend things might need to fizzle out. How do your children sleep when your mum takes them?

You are doing exactly what your children need and your boyfriend needs to understand that. I would be firm and say "my children have been through a lot and they need extra security and support. Sharing a bed is more common than you realise and while it will change at some point it won't be until my children are ready. You need to decide if you can be ok with that'

If he backs down and leaves it then fine. If he presses the point and tries to tell you, you are wrong he's not a good egg. He needs to understand your children come first.

It’s quite simple really - if you will at some point want a new partner, that partner isn’t going to want to share a bed with you and your children. If they did, that in itself would be a massive red flag!
You and your children have experienced trauma, so that should be addressed. Have you all had counselling? I’d suggest you contact Women’s Aid to try and organise some.
Regarding your DS in particular still needing to share your bed, can you see a time when that won’t be ok with you? If so, think about how you’re going to get to a point when he’s in his own bed.
Obviously because of the trauma in the past, you have to tread carefully when it comes to new relationships, but it’s just as unhealthy to not have a relationship because it might upset your children. Far too many times have I seen mothers of sons in particular not be able to have a new relationship because their son makes it impossible. The fact that you’re limiting when you meet up with this person is an indication that this could be happening here. It’s very important that your children are able to see what a good relationship between couples looks like, especially as they’ve witnessed their parents in a bad relationship. It would take a particularly patient person to be happy to go very slowly in a relationship. The fact that they want to have a fulfilling physical relationship is perfectly normal. It doesn’t make him a sex pest!!!
You're in a complex situation and there are no easy answers I’m afraid.

I agree with this ^

I have a DC who's 9. We tried moving them into their own room and because they're compliant and people pleasing, they did what we wanted. But DC behaviour in the day changed. They were crying more, more clingy, just much more sad in a day to day basis. This didn't reduce but built up and after a month I let them move in with me again. They weren't sulking, they weren't being naughty - they just needed that connection.

You know what your child needs. And I have a DC 13 with ASD - their behaviour for change when they hit puberty and they now have boundaries around being naked etc Not three years before 🙄

@Tangofantastic He has been so nice/understanding to win you over, and now he is using shaming ('you're strange') as a way to break you down and question yourself.

You have a history if picking emotionally abusive men? It might be that you're repeating the pattern with this guy? This is not about your child/parenting at all. Its about messing with your head and emotions.

I’m torn between a) red flag, leave him to it, your kids have issues and are more important
b) he’s having a moment, understandable as he’s only human and has been understanding and so must be wondering is this life forever which is fair enough
c) thinking in a way he’s right, as at aged 9 we started thinking my (non sn) child was still sitting all over us etc, and he’s so tall it was a bit ‘we need to ease out of this or he’ll be a teen sitting on our laps’
d) thinking someone said it to him not really knowing your situation

i can’t help op but huge hugs, you are doing great under very difficult circumstances

Thinking about my friendships, there are certain things I'll say to certain people.

My bestie gets everything. Others less so. One friend now gets more of my honesty than she used to, as I now know her better.

If my bestie was co sleeping with her 10 yr old, I'd tell her it was strange and it would need to change soon. I wouldn't need to say I understand why. If one of my other friends told me, they'd get an "I understand why". The friend I know better would have initially got a "I understand why"...as I got to know her better, it would have had "I think it's strange though and needs to change as he's 10 now" added to it.

Any chance that because he now feels more comfortable with you, he's having the conversation around it that he didn't feel he could initially have? Just because he thinks it's strange, it doesn't mean that he doesn't understand too.

And he's allowed to share his opinion. You don't have to agree with him. If your relationship with their dad was so difficult, this may be a trigger for you... someone sharing their opinion. You may be programmed to always agree. It's ok to not do what he thinks.

Only you know the tone of the conversation OP. That will help you work out what angle he was coming from. Whether it was from a "I need it to change" angle or a "he's starting secondary school next year. Most children have stopped sleeping in their mums bed by then. He'll get teased mercilessly if anyone found out" type angle.

Wishing you luck with the new relationship and supporting your littlies.