Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

I don't think he's wrong to want to be able to share a bed (alone) with his romantic partner. Sex is an important part of relationships, it doesn't mean someone is a bad person because they prioritise it. And it isn't just about sex of course. It's just the physical connection, cuddles and so forth.

I ALSO don't think you're wrong to do what is right for your children.

Unfortunately, however, these two things appear to be incompatible. It doesn't mean he's a bad or wrong person (although his wording was clumsy). It certainly doesn't mean you are. It means you don't fit together.

One or other of you could compromise to create a better fit, but if neither of you will be happy with your potential compromise position, it may be worth kindly accepting that this isn't the right thing at the right moment, wishing each other well, and moving on.

I haven’t read the whole thread.

I left DC’s dad 10 years ago, I haven’t been able to have another relationship since or anyone stay over. My dc both have autism and to most people our home life is a little crazy, we have gone through various stages of kids refusing to wear clothes, kids not sleeping in their own beds as well as all the other ASD traits. There’s not a chance in hell I would want to introduce another person into this, my dc are priority and I know they would have felt uncomfortable having a man stay here. I have managed to date people but have been pretty clear about my situation and that things go no further than dating. It’s been lonely at times and there have been times I resent my dc and the situation we are in but it’s not their faults. No man would be coming into my life telling me how to parent my autistic kids. My dc are now 19 and 17 and I am now considering a relationship with someone I have been friends with for a while but he is someone who has also raised a child with autism (now an adult dc).

I think you need to lay the cards on the table and say that your happy to meet up out of the house (away from the DC’s) but at the moment that’s all you are looking for as your dc are priority. If he doesn’t like it then it’s over.

Please don’t make your dc uncomfortable by having him in the house, your dc will grow up and things will get easier even though it feels like a long time to wait.

Your new partner's sudden change of reaction sounds like a red flag to me. Going from being fully supportive to now saying your set up is 'strange'?

If he's not comfortable with the way you're dealing with your traumatised children who both have challenging conditions, then he's not the support you need.

Prioritise your children and their one childhood.

Regardless of the man, it's probably good if you can get the kids to sleep in their own rooms now.

I can see that it would be very frustrating for a partner that the person they have a relationship with co-sleeps at this age.

He has feelings for you and is probably worried about getting hurt if your relationship can't progress for a long time.

Why not have a chat with him about plans for the future, even if you think another year or two is appropriate for your dc to co sleep? At least then he can decide whether he's happy to wait.

I let my dd co sleep until 11 when she wanted to. Equally I had a partner who let dc co sleep for longer. It can impact a romantic relationship if you're not very available.

Your children, your choice, but it's hardly abusive to want to sleep in a bed with one's partner.

If you've only been seeing him a couple of months and he's "getting frustrated" at seeing you twice a week when he knows the circumstances, it's probably a red flag. How is he expressing this frustration? Could he have appeared supportive in order to get you in this position?

Can a person not get frustrated and understand at the same time @Planesmistakenforstars ? I know I can.

I can see his point tbh
I dated someone who bed shared and to be honest it was the end of our relationship.

I 100% feel different as a parent but as an unrelated boyfriend/girlfriend I wouldn't want to share. Not because I think there's anything wrong with bed sharing, but because it feels inappropriate as a step parent and especially a new not in a step parent role partner.

The age increases the issue because it would ring less alarm bells socially if say it came out that your 2 year old was sleeping in a bed with me, but I feel like that it would be a safeguarding if it was a new partner sleeping in a bed with a 10 year old even once.

For me, it's not a problem with bedsharing as a principle (I've subsequently bed shared with my own dc) but what this means for an adult relationship.

I wonder if you've agreed to take a slow approach but you might need to figure out how slow, slow is

As some posters have described here they invisage seeing their partners a few hours a week with no sleep overs, for years until the kids are grown up, and them very rarely meeting the kids before they would entertain living together. Others might take it as slow intros but within a few years we will live together.

I would think you need to have a clear chat about time frames, where a relationship is going and how you invisage the future.

I don't think it's bullying etc as others have said for him to comment on it.

My own relationship ended not because I thought she was a terrible person for bed sharing but because it was clear they needed a really long amount of time as their own family unit, and it would be at least a decade until I might be part of that. Until that point (with very limited overnight care), there would be no holidays, no evenings snuggled watching films, going out for drinks (as someone always needs to drive home), really limited sex, and stuck in the early stages of dating. She was a brilliant mum but I tried it for a while, but I found it didn't meet my needs in a relationship and I found it hard waiting for the future to come as I felt very at arms reach from her. I also was concerned that actually that because of her ex, that actually regardless of the parenting side, that she wasn't ready to have some one be her partner, that she needed to heal independently especially around trust. I wondered if actually she would have been uncomfortable with a regular sex life and sharing a bed with another person regardless.

Kids first - that’s all!

How long have you been in a relationship for OP? Not the friends part, the actual relationship.

Are. your children getting any counselling or other help? In your shoes I would just be concerned about their ability to cope if, say, you were ill so that the night time routine simply had to change.

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with what he has said - he's thinking of the future and natural development of the relationship and understands that you can't co sleep with your children if he is there, and tbh I do think co sleeping that late on isn't particularly helpful. The odd time, yes, but not every night.

Sometimes when we are trying to have difficult conversations we don’t always get things perfectly right with nuance or tone and I think that’s what’s happened here. Your boyfriend has raised something which you do need to talk about, but hasn’t quite got it right.

I think that it’s fine to loop back to the conversation and say that his choice of words upset you. I also think that you need a conversation about which direction your relationship is going. I think that he has raised this because he has good boundaries around not sharing a bed with an unrelated child and he is thinking about moving in together/blending families in the future.

I’m a single parent and whilst I date when they are with their dad, and I’ve had one longer partner in that time, I don’t intend to live with anyone else until the children are much older. Given the trauma which the kids experienced with their dad, ultimately this may be the best choice for you too.

In your position I would probably set out quite clearly what you will and won’t be willing to do, and how you see that working for the relationship. I’d also make it clear that he doesn’t get a say in how you parent. And just say that you’re not transitioning your son out of your bed until he is ready.

Around the bed sharing in your position my concern actually would be the two kids bed sharing as your son hits puberty especially if he struggles a bit with social and emotional understanding. So, in your position I think that I would be transitioning the younger child to her own bed slowly over a period of some months. The floor bed discussed here is a good half way house, as is insisting on bedtime and going to sleep in their own beds but allowing them to come in during the night if they wake.

I think you’ve done what’s been right for you and your kids so far, and that’s been right and good. But I also think that if you now want this relationship to develop, it’s time to at least start working towards change.

I think you need to separate the 2 issues. The first is whether or not you should be transitioning your son to sleeping on his own, irrespective of any boyfriend. It sounds like you probably should, and that you think you should. But you need to do this on your own terms and to your son's timetable not at the behest of anyone else.

The second is whether he is actually a decent man. If you've only been seeing him a couple of months and he's "getting frustrated" at seeing you twice a week when he knows the circumstances, it's probably a red flag. How is he expressing this frustration? Could he have appeared supportive in order to get you in this position?

I would be very careful. You are vulnerable coming out of an abusive relationship. There are lots and lots of abusive men who pounce on easy targets like this, and bide their time beforehand. If he is pushy at all about how slowly things are moving then take a big step back.

You've said he is frustrated by the situation. I think he's worded it wrongly but I guess it's OK for him to ask how this might progress as he's not going to sleep in the same bed as your children but you are talking about the future together. I'm wondering also of he's talked to someone else and they've said this and ge should've reframed it before saying it to you. If you aren't on the shame hymn sheet and time frame then it's not working.

There are some cultures where children regularly share the bed with their parents even as teenagers. Personally, mine have co-slept with me for years.
DP on the other hand has children that are in their own rooms and own beds.
I think it's preference and the children themselves.

He's made a suggestion if you don't want to implement his suggestion, don't.

I have a DS (8) with ASD that still needs human contact to sleep. We don’t have a big enough bed for 3, so mostly he’s in with me, sometimes it’s his dad.

My partner and I have slept together a handful of times in the last few years, but it has had absolutely no effect on our intimacy, or sex life. It’s just a different set up.

In effect what your boyfriend is saying is that he wants your son to sleep alone, so that he, as an adult, doesn’t have to. That would be deeply unattractive to me.

The most people aren't prioritising their children. Doesn't mean the OP has to follow the herd, if that is, indeed, the case.

You don't need to move in together.

I've been a lone parent for 14 years, been seeing my DP for 7 and we are only just about to move in together next year because both of our kids are now ready for it.

Centre your kids and what they need, if he is a good guy as you say it will work out.

And yes I have only seen my DP once a week apart from the odd holiday/break on our own.

Because most people eventually want to live with their partners.

I think you’re placing too much emphasis on they’ll leave your bed when ready because if you’re honest, them being ready isn’t on the horizon. You’re bed has become your children's dummy and most children don’t give those up without a parent’s active encouragement. Your ND child is trickier because of his ND and childhood trauma.

It doesn’t sound like you’re current set up is conducive to the relationship that this man wants. I think it is good that he’s stopped nodding and smiling and has been honest about his feelings now that he has skin in the game. Your sleeping arrangements before you decided to embark on a relationship, didn't impact him the way it will now you are a couple.

Is he trying to find a less blunt way about the changes that boys go through during puberty? It is likely that your son will start having wet dreams during this time, is that something you want to wake up to or is it better to start transitioning him into his own bed now?

Sounds as if he possibly used a poor choice of words maybe ask his intentions behind them.

Why does everyone mention moving in together? Have the kids not been through enough?

You admit this has ended up being rhe status quo because basically it was less hassle than teaching them to sleep in their own beds?

I understand where the guy is coming from