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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

189 replies

Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 01:02

Am I being Uber over sensitive here?
history: 2 kids, one 7, one 10. 10yr DS has autism, Tourette’s, anxiety and has has a very hard few years. I split with their dad after a long time
of what I now understand was coercive
and emotional abuse which Iater turned physical. As a result my son has witnessed more than any child should have ☹️It hurts to even write it. I’m doing my best and have done my best to support him and he’s happy
and well settled At school. The reason there’s so much about him is 2 fold: 1. He is more
challenging
in his behaviours due to his conditions (or different abilities as his younger sister adorably and rightly calls them). 2. He’s the one I’ve just had an odd conversation with my partner about and need your opinions on.
his little sister (7) is neurotypical but quite clingy to me due to above though she witnessed far less as was younger so had less awareness but still was affected.

ivd had a good friend for the past few years, amazing lovely
guy who is genuinely a good egg and I’ve always hoped we could be something more when the time was right (as did he). That’s now happened and of course we are talking about the future, as it stands the only time i see him is 1-2 times a week when my mum babysits for me and he is growing understandably frustrated at this. And me too, but I guess because my priority is the kids and I’m on my
own with them I mainly look forward to our time together, whereas he increasingly mainly talks about it being too little.

part of my son’s anxiety and PTSD is seeing me around other men so we’ve taken it soooooo slow. He knows this guy is my friend but thats all. Both kids still share a
bed with me- they have their own lovely rooms that they enjoy spending time in during the day playing or with friends, but come nighttime both want
to sleep in with me. To be honest I’ve just gone with it - always assumed they’d move into their own beds when ready and it was
preferable than getting up and returning them to bed 20 times
a night (I’ve attempted various sleep training techniques over
the years but inevitably give up as get so exhausted returning them to bed and I work full time and just couldn’t see it through with the lack of sleep. Due to his autism my son takes hours to fall asleep and I simply do the fastest route
to sleep which is reading him to sleep but if I do that and he wakes in the night and I’m not there he has a panic attack so I just let him come in with me. full disclosure there!

and my partner knows this and has always so sweetly said don’t worry, it’s totally understandable, they’ve been through so much, they’ll move to their own needs when the times right, I don’t care etc. as I say, he’s a wonder Supportive guy.

the AIBU is this: tonight he said quite randomly Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my
son is still sleeping with me and that needs
to change. I was taken aback and said what’s strange about it and he said well he’s on the cusp of puberty now so it’s getting a bit strange, you need
to get him into his own bed.
now, had this always been his view I’d accept it as appreciate most
of our culture thinks bed sharing is weird past infants. But it hurt because until now he’s been so so supportive. So kind, so understanding that to hear him say it’s strange hurt my Feelings.

so, am I being over sensitive? I know I can be and if I am I’ll need to reflect on that and change my actions. That’s where I meed
you to come in objectively!

thank you and sorry for the Essay ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 10:41

I can’t tell
you how much I appreciate All your responses. I’ve spent the last hour reading them all very carefully.
I should add (as don’t think I was clear) I’ve known X (my
friend/ partner) for 5 years now and he really has been my
rock through the ending of a very abusive relationship with the kids dad. He’s been almost unbelievably
patient and kind. Since we started a physical relationship it’s been creative-
in the sense it’s in the spare
room as my kids are in my bed sleeping or at
his when my mum babysits.
I think those of you who are saying he’s now maybe feeling (understandably) less patient are right. He wants more from me and because of my kids I’m unbel
to Do that. He talks often of how things will be easier if I let him in more
and help him to co-parent but he simply doesn’t know how hard that woild
be for my son who is anxious, very protective over me and has autistic meltdowns that are pretty significant. For example he said he can’t wait until we can all go on family holidays in a caravan/ save up for Disney one year and I’m thinking gosh yes that sounds amazing but realistically these things are generally impossible for me as my son simply can’t cope. it’s like I can’t make it all join up which is sad because he makes me very happy and I don’t want to lose the chance at a lovely relationship but I also could never put anyone before my children’s needs.
i think what doesn’t help is he previously was with a single mum who had 2 daughters who were neurotypical and he bonded quite quickly with them. (All very nice and normal). He was sad when she left him as he loved being a sort of co -parent with them (talked about their days out, how with his help they sorted all the tantrums and life was great. I slightly sank at that point and tried to say well ten thing is that would never happen with my son at least as he’s ND so simply won’t like the kind of activities and fun things a NT child does (for example parties and noise are his idea of living hell). I think while he says he understands it will be different with my 2 he perhaps doesn’t really get quite how
different though he says he has his eyes fully
open and can handle it as long as it means more tome
with me than 2 days or nights
a week as he wants more. As do I, but I know I need to move at the pace of a drunk snail to even begin to help my kids adjust.

the “strange” word threw me but a few
oc you have said puberty may make this strange so perhaps it’s a valid point. It just sounded odd coming from
him as he’s always been so so supportive and the opposite of “oh that’s strange”. Y

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2023 10:40

You’re doing what’s best for your children. I can see why you’re unsettled by what he’s said and I think you need to talk about it properly but it’s not clear how either of you thought things would progress between you given what’s currently working for your family.

It might not be the right time for you to be having a relationship, even with someone you thought could accept the status quo. Your children’s needs and what it takes to invest in a romantic relationship may be incompatible and accepting that means you’re not going to feel torn and conflicted.

WotNoUserName · 18/10/2023 10:36

My son with ASD and adhd slept with me till he was 11. Progressing to sharing a room for a while after that before moving into his bedroom. Like you I'd tried many times for a young age to get him to sleep in his own bed, but he would actually stay awake all night rather than sleep alone (and I couldn't stay awake all night, so he'd sneak in once I was asleep)

I got with my new DP when he was still sharing a room with me, but I never mentioned it in conversation as he doesn't stay over at my house (my kids like him very much, but home is their safe place) How I bring my kids up is none of his business, unless it impacts on him (eg them being rude to him - I would have no problem with him telling them off for that)

He is way overstepping the line in telling you how you should be dealing with your kids.

Timeforchangeithink · 18/10/2023 10:31

I think you need to progress them sleeping in their rooms for one reason which is in the event there's an emergency and someone else has to look after them - even for one night. As for the boyfriend, not his business!

ToadOnTheHill · 18/10/2023 10:29

My worry is that you are not long out of domestic abuse and frame yourself as not being a catch because someone would have to put up with you and the kids.

If I was single, I honestly dont think I'd want another man around my kids. I'm not saying that to shame you. I'm saying it to put into perspective that a man would have to work exceptionally hard to be worth me even considering lowering my guard enough to date him, never mind have him near my kids (as a friend or anything else).

My point is that you're perspective of you family situation makes you vulnerable to men who pretend to be nice for a long time until they convince you they are good and then let the mask slip. I think this is a mask slip and I would be pulling away and taking a big step back, not questioning myself and my family set up.

Something to think on xx

AlltheFs · 18/10/2023 10:27

He is not someone to get in to a relationship with @Tangofantastic it will go all manner of wrong. The warning signs are already there.

I think with your circumstances you need to shelve a relationship until your children are older.

Universalsnail · 18/10/2023 10:27

I think it's fine your son still sleeps in the same bed with you. The kid is autistic and has had lot to deal with.

Truthfully there is absolutely no way I would let a partner who isn't even the kids dad tell me whether my children should co sleep with me or not. It quite frankly has nothing to do with him and I think he has some audacity to think he has any sway on this.

seenco · 18/10/2023 10:22

Electrictache · 18/10/2023 04:57

It's ok to pass a post by without comment when it's clear that you don't know anything about the subject you know.

Have you read about the trauma these children have experienced or the fact that the 10 year old has autism?

Show quote history

Posted further up but NC as irrationally paranoid about occupation being outing. I have a background in SEN (education/therapy) and I have to say that ASD is all the more reason to approach this carefully with boundaries.

I've taught a certain age group before and boys with ASD in particular (edit: and girls too, but I find it's mostly boys who have this issue socially) may struggle with sexual boundaries. We have to explicitly teach some of them appropriate outward behaviour. Even boys (edit: and girls) without ASD may find themselves unwillingly / confusedly / innocently aroused by certain contact, or by witnessing certain things to do with family members.

I personally think the issue of guilt/confusion versus comfort is real. Some children with ASD are sensory-seeking and derive comfort through tactile means, but puberty and hormones can make that aspect messy when physically in the same bed at night. I think it's valid to consider putting in some physical boundaries or separation even if co-sleeping continues.

margotrose · 18/10/2023 10:20

BringItOnxxx · 18/10/2023 07:48

The most people aren't prioritising their children. Doesn't mean the OP has to follow the herd, if that is, indeed, the case.

I don't think people are saying to just move him in anyway, only that it's understandable not to want to share a bed with someone else's kids.

bakedbrain · 18/10/2023 10:07

Could he have seen/heard about a friend or someone else's son recently? Children grow up really fast overnight and he may be noticing your son's puberty as well.

I see some comments saying it's OK. I don't actually have anything against co-sleeping, used to snuggle up with my mum just for fun (no anxiety) till a ripe old age. But I'm just genuinely curious how ... avoiding unwanted contact ... would work though. Sorry to be really blunt, but is there not an awkward morning (and often night time) physiological phenomenon in all males?

Skater78 · 18/10/2023 09:45

OP it is such a shame but as others have said this may not be the right time to be exploring a new relationship. Perhaps the timing is just too difficult. I would lay your cards on the table about how much you realistically think your boyf could be involved your life over the next 5+ years. Talk about it, perhaps it just won’t be enough and it’s best to be open about that now and potentially keep a friendship that’s clearly important to you.

cloudydays2 · 18/10/2023 09:38

I think you need to focus on what you want in the long run. If it is a relationship with this man then I would maybe start considering sleeping arrangements. I do agree in putting kids first but sometimes take a step back and think about yourself and what would make you happy considering everything you have been through. We don't know what this man is like based off of a post and he very may as well be coming from a good place.

Ididivfama · 18/10/2023 09:20

Yes and no. It may be unusual for some families but in no way should you be feeling pressured. Sorry, he knows your situation. He needs to be sensitive and wait. There are other ways he can be with you. Stand your ground.

travelallthetime · 18/10/2023 09:10

My youngest either fell asleep in my bed and we moved him or he just slept with me if we couldnt be bothered moving him until he was nearly 11. Not ND but a slightly anxious child and it just made life easier for everyone. He hit 11 and decided one night to sleep in his own bed and that was that. Dont get me wrong, he will still get in with us in the morning or to watch a film in bed with me (as will my eldest who is 16) but now he goes back to his own bed to sleep.

Tell your DP its none of his business, because it isnt, unless you are planning on moving him in?

TheRealLilyMunster · 18/10/2023 09:09

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with, and you are doing a fantastic job.

I would be questioning whether I really want the added pressure of a boyfriend telling me how I should be parenting my kids (presumably for his own benefit, because he wants to sleep in your bed).

I would be ending things now - before you end up living together.

bonzaitree · 18/10/2023 09:01

OP you sound like a fantastic mum. Very in tune with kids needs. Your son (and daughter) are very very lucky to have you.

ClairDeLaLune · 18/10/2023 08:56

You’re an amazing mum and you’re putting your kids first which is lovely. It’s not strange, that’s cruel of him to say that. It’s unusual but it’s understandable. Your kids will probably want to stay in their own rooms at some point, but who knows when that will be.

If you’re happy for them to transition to their own beds at their own pace you need to tell your partner that, they he needs to decide if he’s happy to wait. Him pressuring you helps no-one.

I can’t really understand people voting YABU. Your house your rules surely. Family comes first.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 18/10/2023 08:55

You might want to start supporting your DC with this transition but only if you feel it is right for you and your child.

As a separate issue it is none of your boyfriend's business and given your history with a controlling partner this kind of slightly-overstepping comment is a red flag, tbh. Did you do the Freedom Programme or receive any other support after separating from your ex?

Paradeofrain · 18/10/2023 08:53

I also think that hes probably worried the bed sharing won't come to an end naturally

As a nd person, I don't think I would have understood when I need personal space and when I should be leaving my parents bedroom. Not all nd kids get that need for privacy suddenly at puberty, I certainly didn't.

1smallhamsterfoot · 18/10/2023 08:50

hes probably sick of it

Saharafordessert · 18/10/2023 08:49

I also think he has a point. He probably didn’t word it very well but I think it’s time for you to start slowly implementing changes. They can’t sleep with you indefinitely and as the parent you’ll need to be the one to navigate the changes, I doubt the children will do it independently as this is the only way they know.

Planesmistakenforstars · 18/10/2023 08:41

Can a person not get frustrated and understand at the same time @Planesmistakenforstars? I know I can.

Yes. But he knows that the circumstances are a non NT boy with deep trauma, triggered by seeing his mum with another man. And that she can't see him more due to childcare. Hence asking what the frustration looks like and how it's expressed, plus how long they've been seeing each other. E.g "For fuck's sake this is getting ridiculous" in a 2 month relationship vs "I'm finding it hard not seeing you often" after 8 months are really, really different things.

LouHey · 18/10/2023 08:39

You know it's not strange, OP - he's your son! He has ASD, parenting is going to be different at times. There's not one size fits all with any kids, your bf is being an idiot. I'd be seeing it as a red flag, I'm sure this is how he really feels and whatever went on before was an act. Proceed with caution, you might have found another controlling asshole.

HikingforScenery · 18/10/2023 08:36

I agree with those saying you’re probably not in the right place for a relationship.
Id say concentrate on giving your children what they need now, which you are doing, until they feel ready to move out.
I’d struggle to have a good night sleep with both children in my bed though so i’d be trying every trick in the book to sleep separately.

gotomomo · 18/10/2023 08:36

How long has this slow burn relationship been going on? Being understanding at first is fair enough, you would hope any new partner would be but at some point you need to make a judgement call, is this relationship going anywhere? If staying over isn't possible due to bed sharing I can understand him having doubts that things will ever change.

If you say it's only been a month i'd be on your side, if it's many months Im more understanding of him. Relationships work both ways and even understanding men have limits (and understanding women i should add) we have adults with additional needs, one severe and whilst we make lots of adjustments for her, we have space for ourselves too