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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bed sharing with my kids -Partner wants me to push for a change, feel weird ☹️

189 replies

Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 01:02

Am I being Uber over sensitive here?
history: 2 kids, one 7, one 10. 10yr DS has autism, Tourette’s, anxiety and has has a very hard few years. I split with their dad after a long time
of what I now understand was coercive
and emotional abuse which Iater turned physical. As a result my son has witnessed more than any child should have ☹️It hurts to even write it. I’m doing my best and have done my best to support him and he’s happy
and well settled At school. The reason there’s so much about him is 2 fold: 1. He is more
challenging
in his behaviours due to his conditions (or different abilities as his younger sister adorably and rightly calls them). 2. He’s the one I’ve just had an odd conversation with my partner about and need your opinions on.
his little sister (7) is neurotypical but quite clingy to me due to above though she witnessed far less as was younger so had less awareness but still was affected.

ivd had a good friend for the past few years, amazing lovely
guy who is genuinely a good egg and I’ve always hoped we could be something more when the time was right (as did he). That’s now happened and of course we are talking about the future, as it stands the only time i see him is 1-2 times a week when my mum babysits for me and he is growing understandably frustrated at this. And me too, but I guess because my priority is the kids and I’m on my
own with them I mainly look forward to our time together, whereas he increasingly mainly talks about it being too little.

part of my son’s anxiety and PTSD is seeing me around other men so we’ve taken it soooooo slow. He knows this guy is my friend but thats all. Both kids still share a
bed with me- they have their own lovely rooms that they enjoy spending time in during the day playing or with friends, but come nighttime both want
to sleep in with me. To be honest I’ve just gone with it - always assumed they’d move into their own beds when ready and it was
preferable than getting up and returning them to bed 20 times
a night (I’ve attempted various sleep training techniques over
the years but inevitably give up as get so exhausted returning them to bed and I work full time and just couldn’t see it through with the lack of sleep. Due to his autism my son takes hours to fall asleep and I simply do the fastest route
to sleep which is reading him to sleep but if I do that and he wakes in the night and I’m not there he has a panic attack so I just let him come in with me. full disclosure there!

and my partner knows this and has always so sweetly said don’t worry, it’s totally understandable, they’ve been through so much, they’ll move to their own needs when the times right, I don’t care etc. as I say, he’s a wonder Supportive guy.

the AIBU is this: tonight he said quite randomly Said on the phone he thinks it’s “strange” now that my
son is still sleeping with me and that needs
to change. I was taken aback and said what’s strange about it and he said well he’s on the cusp of puberty now so it’s getting a bit strange, you need
to get him into his own bed.
now, had this always been his view I’d accept it as appreciate most
of our culture thinks bed sharing is weird past infants. But it hurt because until now he’s been so so supportive. So kind, so understanding that to hear him say it’s strange hurt my Feelings.

so, am I being over sensitive? I know I can be and if I am I’ll need to reflect on that and change my actions. That’s where I meed
you to come in objectively!

thank you and sorry for the Essay ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 13:33

seenco · 18/10/2023 13:13

I guess maybe it's the first time he's said anything explicitly critical, but from "I know he thinks part of it the meltdowns are partly down to a lack of discipline and boundaries" it sounds like you have felt judged by him for a while?

I don't think he's abusive or manipulative or whatever nonsense, but if he continues to make you feel judged than yes sadly that isn't a good sign. It could be that he just needs a bit more exposure to grasp the reality of your family situation, which is fine... Or that he will never be ready ready/willing to learn properly and open-mindedly about ND kids, in which case it's just not a good fit. (I don't think that means abusive etc though, even on MN you'll find many ignorant posters who think discipline will solve ND...)

good point. I definitely get prickly feeling when he says about my
son’s meltdowns / mood etc that it’s party a lack of discipline etc but I also appreciate 99% of the population would think that too and it’s only
forums And support groups for ND families that really get how you can’t parent / discipline an ND child like an NT child.

OP posts:
Choopa · 18/10/2023 13:32

@Tangofantastic You are not 'over sensitive' at all. He is using a hurtful word and is being impatient. I can only imagine this is the start of more pressure towards you/your son to be a certain way.
(Btw. my 11 ds still climbs into my bed at night. Nothing strange with that at all. You're doing the right thing by your children)

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 13:30

waterrat · 18/10/2023 13:29

and btw my 10 year old who is autistic sleeps next to me - it's very very normal for ND children to have highly dysregulated nervous systems and require much more physical presence to be calm enough to sleep.

This is so so true of my son. He presses his legs and feel against me and is out in minutes. On his own he’ll literally be up all night, I’ve tried weighted blankets, white noise, melatonin, you name it. only thing that helps him sleep is… me.

OP posts:
waterrat · 18/10/2023 13:29

and btw my 10 year old who is autistic sleeps next to me - it's very very normal for ND children to have highly dysregulated nervous systems and require much more physical presence to be calm enough to sleep.

waterrat · 18/10/2023 13:28

Sorry Op but he is being controlling. It's none of his business and this is a red flag for coercive behaviour.

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 13:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2023 13:16

Is he going to want his own children one day?

He does, yes but we’ve had this conversation a lot
as I was worried he’d miss out and he’s said if we never have one he’s fine as he just wants to be with me. I’ve said so many times
to him that I understand if he wants to go and be with someone younger and have a whole
family with her (though I would Be so sad, but I love him
him and want him to be
happy and fulfilled) but he says he wants to be with me and for years thought he wouldn’t have one with his ex who had the 2
girls so it’s not a dealbreaker for him.
but he definitely does Want that happy family life and I worry his experience with his
ex has unwittingly set
me up to fail in a sad way as I can’t provide that (and he’s always said it doesn’t matter but I feel like it kind of does now ☹️)

OP posts:
Hearmeout · 18/10/2023 13:17

I think that's an excellent argument for teaching ops son now about sleeping independently so he doesn't grow up to be the adult man of which you speak.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2023 13:16

Is he going to want his own children one day?

seenco · 18/10/2023 13:13

I guess maybe it's the first time he's said anything explicitly critical, but from "I know he thinks part of it the meltdowns are partly down to a lack of discipline and boundaries" it sounds like you have felt judged by him for a while?

I don't think he's abusive or manipulative or whatever nonsense, but if he continues to make you feel judged than yes sadly that isn't a good sign. It could be that he just needs a bit more exposure to grasp the reality of your family situation, which is fine... Or that he will never be ready ready/willing to learn properly and open-mindedly about ND kids, in which case it's just not a good fit. (I don't think that means abusive etc though, even on MN you'll find many ignorant posters who think discipline will solve ND...)

MissJoGrant · 18/10/2023 13:12

eachtigertires · 18/10/2023 02:16

Not strange at all. You sound like a fantastic mother who knows what her kids need. Boyfriend can suck it up.

That's not how relationships work though, is it?

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 13:09

I think the reason I felt uneasy was its
literally The first time he’s said anything critical of my set up and while I’ve had it from others, not from him hence why I’m probably going agggh what? I totally get most guys would have got impatient long ago ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 13:06

StarDolphins · 18/10/2023 13:03

So he’s gone from’titally understandable after what he’s been through’ to things need to change?! Unless 3 years have passed between these comments, I’d be saying it is what it is, you know my situation.

that kind of is what I wanted to say! It felt out the blue to hear him say last night it’s getting strange for my 10 year old to still share my bed ☹️

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 18/10/2023 13:03

So he’s gone from’titally understandable after what he’s been through’ to things need to change?! Unless 3 years have passed between these comments, I’d be saying it is what it is, you know my situation.

RedHelenB · 18/10/2023 13:02

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2023 01:26

I don't think you can reasonably expect your relationship with your boyfriend to progress further if your children are still sharing a bed with you. That said, I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong at all, it may very well be what's right for your kids, but it may not be acceptable for your boyfriend.

This

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 12:58

And to those of you who have made such kind comments about me being a good mum- thank you 💞it means so so much to me. I spend half
the days doubting myself and getting it wrong with Meltdowns so to hear you think I’m doing a good job means the world to me. X

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 18/10/2023 12:45

I think he meant well but didn't explain properly /say the right words

As children esp boys get older /puberty hits - yes it is better they have their own beds and space

Obv due to your ex and your sons sn - your son needs security and support

Going forward you also deserve to have happiness

So in the long run ds and dd will need to go into their own beds at some stage

So could you start with a gradual retreat method

So sleeps in your room but not in bed so a mattress on floor while he gets used to that it will be a softie slow approach that may take months

Or

Can you sleep in sons bedroom in his bed for a few weeks/month or two and then once used to that - say when he is asleep explain mummy will go to her bed

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 12:37

the times I’ve tried leaving him in his own bed and soothing him in any way he simply
stays up allllll night. Literally. Snuggled into me he’s out within 10 mins.

i completely agree my partner wants and deserves a more
NT life and would be An incredible dad. I do think part
of the problem is that he has had experience of a “normal” kids set up where they were both NT
and didn’t have
anxiety, tics, meltdowns etc. they went to bed at 7 and slept
till….8. In their own beds and my partner said it was a good balance of fun days with the kids and evenings alone with their mum. I agree this sounds amazing but its
so Far
from my home it may as well be in outer space. I have
suggested he attend some
of
the workshops / training courses on ND children but so far he’s said hes
rather learn from my son and me than a generic course which I get but I feel he’s already getting impatient at how slow it is and I know he thinks part of it the meltdowns are partly down to a lack of discipline and boundaries ☹️I guess I’m not used to him being impatient or using words that I find hurtful like “strange” but I’m aware I’m over sensitive and protective ☹️

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 18/10/2023 12:05

he said well he’s on the cusp of puberty now so it’s getting a bit strange, you need to get him into his own bed.

This may or may not be cover for 'I want more sex', we don't know. But from the first post it sounds like it is only the 10yo DS he's talking about, not the younger DD, which means he may have genuine concerns.

And if it was a father and 10yo daughter, approaching puberty, sleeping in the same bed every night, ND or NT, then people would be questioning whether that was wise from a lot of different perspectives.

I also agree that he's not wrong to be wondering where this relationship is going, if at all. And he isn't BU for doing so, he's human. I don't agree that this is his mask slipping, that he's blackmailing you or any of the other things a few PPs have accused him of.

OP I think you need to have a calm, face to face, talk with him about what he said and why he said it, and to go into it with an open mind to hear what he has to say. You absolutely have the right to go into that conversation from a standpoint of you're not going to change anything, but it wouldn't be helpful.

PestilencialCrisis · 18/10/2023 11:52

Are you keeping him in your room for his comfort or for your own? Are you waiting for a 10 year old to put in boundaries rather than put in boundaries yourself?

Can you help him find other coping strategies for his panic attacks?

I don't think your friend was unreasonable to point out that puberty is on the horizon. Sometimes we see them as babies for longer than they are.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/10/2023 11:30

Intelligenthair · 18/10/2023 08:00

I think you’ve done what’s been right for you and your kids so far, and that’s been right and good. But I also think that if you now want this relationship to develop, it’s time to at least start working towards change.

@Tangofantastic

this OP!

you deserve happiness too!

DrMarshaFieldstone · 18/10/2023 11:03

If he is really serious about committing to you and taking a more involved role in your children's lives then he can demonstrate this by beginning to learn about parenting ND and trauma-affected children.

APurpleSquirrel · 18/10/2023 10:59

Based on your update OP, I really don't think this relationship should go on. It sounds like he has an idealistic vision of what family life is like & understandably wants to attempt to create that with you, however, as you yourself say your DS in particular does not fit that vision. I wonder if he's essentially trying to recreate the family he had with his last GF?
Your DP might think he understands your family setup & needs but he clearly doesn't & I seriously doubt he will be able to accept the reality when it finally dawns on him.
He's not wrong for wanting all that, the days out, Disney etc, but if you don't think that's a possibility with you surely the best thing is to break it off & focus on your children now & what they want & need; & allow your DP to try & find what he wants elsewhere - despite how much that might hurt both of you.

LightSpeeds · 18/10/2023 10:55

Just wondering... The (his) focus here seems to be getting your children out of your bed...

But does he have any relationship with them currently? If so, how's it going?

Surely, that's the starting point for you all - slowly building a good family bond and supportive relationships. Not getting the kids out of your bed so he can get into it...

Workawayxx · 18/10/2023 10:50

I don't think sharing a bed with your DC especially given the ND and past experiences is strange at all.

It sounds like, as much as you've explained the situation to him, he's not really getting it - with the "oh, we can save up for Disney World..." etc. I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that your DC may need different things than he needs in his life. Neither is wrong but they may be incompatible. I think you should discuss again with him, really laying out the situation in black and white terms.

Original poster
Tangofantastic · 18/10/2023 10:43

Sorry for typos 🤦‍♀️Attempting work and children whirling around as I type!

OP posts: