Inheritance going to 1 adult sibling

Stop financially supporting any of them.

How on earth did you think I was telling the OP to take her in?

If I was your mum's friend I'd be cautioning against this entire arrangement for fear of eventually finding herself homeless with nowhere to go.

I think people are being really harsh to you OP. You know your DB better than internet posters and know that you will be the one sorting out the mess left. You have also financially supported your parents in the past with no payback. The money could go into a black hole, is the money going to be used just to pay debts? Does Db have a house with a mortgage - and will your parents be paying that but have no stake in the house? Is your DB renting? What will happen if DB and his wife split - your parents could find themselves homeless - lots of issues and scenarios. If they need residential care within a few years then the money given to your DB could be seen as depravation of assets when the fnancial assessment is carried out. I'd ask your parents if they have considered all angles.

Ultimately they will do what they want whatever the consequences for your family

OP you will be told you are greedy and it’s not your money etc etc however I get it . My Mum left everything to my brother ( always the Golden Child) and nothing to me . At the time I was a struggling LP and I admit it hurt .

OP I agree with the replies above. I'd be a lot less concerned with your theoretical missing 40k (if all of their money is in their house, it's really unlikely you'd be getting the money by the time they pass. Being elderly is expensive and so many things can happen) and I'd be fairly happy that someone was helping to look after them.

However they do really need to look after themselves legally. As someone said above, what happens if brother dies? I'm not saying your SIL would turf them out immediately, but she'd be finding herself having to work and care for 3 children herself, asking her to add two adults to that care list is a lot.

Someone needs to look into their legal interests.

Your parents are moving in with your brother, so I think if they have £40k equity then fair enough your brother gets it.

It'll be lovely for your parents to get to live under the same roof as their grandchildren.

The only issue is if one/both of your parents require care. They cannot just "give" the money to your brother as this would count as deprivation of assets. They can give him some money e.g. pay your brother board and lodgings, and give the permitted yearly amount, but by handing over a large sum of money, then this could leave them in trouble should they then need to pay for care.

Of course if your brother is willing to be their carer then fair enough.

I wouldn't be breathing a sigh of relief, to be honest.

There's a very real chance this arrangement won't work out and then the OP and her sister could end up having to support their now homeless parents.

I'd be very worried about that possibility.

Also, given that the OP's father already has a known illness and neither of them are spring chickens, I'd be worried that if they need care in the future the local authority might view this as deliberate deprivation of assets.

Inheritance aside given that no one has died, they all need to take some legal advice.
What happens if your brother dies? What if they're not able to provide care to one or both parents and it has to be paid for? In my family we have a relative paying over 3k a month for at home care. Where would that money come from?

Like others I think this sounds a really risky idea for your parents, but I don't think you can say a thing until you've got out of this mindset that they are favouring him or that you have some claim on their money.

Frankly, if my mother moved in with me, my sister and my brother would consider that I was the one taking on the tough job, and they would be right. In fact I've raised it as a possibility and they have told me not to due to my mother's high level of care need. Even if she were still more able, taking parents to live with you is a big choice and it does sound really risky. It can work out, but over the next 2-3 decades it'sa big ask. It would be good if you and your sister can approach this as supportive members of the family helping your parents to decide if this is really the ideal choice for them, rather than assuming that you are losing out in some way.

While people are right in that it's obviously their money to do with what they wish, I think it's fine for you and your sister to feel pissed.
I have something similar but with grandchildren. Some get lots of "extra" because we don't "need it" my child gets missed out. Drives me loopy but what can you do🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly as @Dora33 describes above: DH mother (so MiL) did something similar except DH's sibling moved in with MiL - so in effect they had her house, and she provided childcare, helped them with debts etc. Few years later they said she was a nuisance and they needed the extra bedroom, she was in late 60s by then, ended up they said she'd have to leave so DH and I managed to get her a social housing flat (sheltered accommodation). She died soon after moving out and sibling sold "their" house, made a lot of money on it, moved away.

To her dying day, and in her will, MiL favoured the grabby sibling who took over her home then pushed her out of it, would never hear a word said against them. Very sad for DH.

I'd be breathing a sigh of relief in your shoes

Me too. I wouldn't be wanting to take my in laws in when I have three small children and a DH with mental health issues and a history of getting us into debt. The amount of money involved is absolutely not worth it.

In amazed that you're whinging about an inheritance that (if it isn't eaten up in care fees) you wouldn't even get for a few decades, rather than thinking 'rather then than me'.

In that case, OP can have her parents move in and have her care for them for four months a year, and her siblings do the same.

Your parents are getting themselves in a really vulnerable situation. Firstly, they will be giving away their financial security to a man who sounds financially irresponsible. Secondly, they will be giving up their home. I think this is what you should focus on.

I don't think they can get any legal right to live in your brother's house if he asks them to leave. Or to stay in the area if he decides to sell and move. If he get into more debt and loses the house, they will also be homeless.

They must get legal advice. If they refuse to do this or refuse to even listen to your concerns then just leave them to it. They are adults and can spend their money how they like.

This is sensible balanced advice

Your mother could live another 30 years! And you want the proceeds of her house sale? Fucking hell OP.

They want to help their struggling son and 4 very young grandchildren and come to a mutually beneficial living arrangement at the same time.

Crikey, Yabu.
How absolutely lovely of your dh and his wife to offer to look after your parents. I'd be breathing a sigh of relief in your shoes. How utterly abhorrent of you and your sister to think of it as inheritance.

I understand it feels very unfair that they are treating your brother differently because he has made bad decisions in life.

From your point of view I probably wouldn't be worried about the money. It's not clear from your post but if 40k is the amount you would receive if they split the proceeds from the sale of their house three ways, that's not a lot of money so it sounds like a very modest house. They wouldn't be selling it right now unless they were moving in with your brother, so if they hadn't decided to do that you wouldn't expect to get that money now or in the foreseeable future anyway, and the chances are you would never see it.

What I would be concerned about is what happens if the arrangement with your brother doesn't work out. By selling their home and giving the proceeds to your brother, they are entrusting essentially all their money to a man who has already demonstrated that he is bad with money and is in debt. They will then be completely beholden to him because they will have nowhere to live other than with him. If he spends that money and then gets into further debt, in a worst case scenario he could lose his home and they would then also be homeless.

Without raising the fact that you and your sister feel aggrieved about not getting a share, I would talk to your parents about whether this whole plan is really a good idea and how they plan to support themselves if at some point in the future they can no longer live with your brother.

it really deeply hurts when parents give preferential treatment to one sibling! they should all be treated the same!

Your parents need legal advice. Perhaps they should go on the deeds of your brother's house if they're putting that much money into it?

While it is hurtful to you that your parents are giving the monies from sale of their house to your brother.
Please think of the risk your parents are taking and how it will effect them longterm.
I have seen situations like this before where the parents and 1 son / daughter decide to move in together. Either the son/daughter would move into the parents house and buy the house for a considerable reduction. Or the parents would move into the son/ daughters house and give them a considerable amount from the sale of their own property.
None of these situations worked out well for the parents.
In one, the daughter broke up with her husband & the house that was originally the parents had to be sold. The parents had to move 2 hours away to afford somewhere to live.
Another one, the son's wife found it very stressful living with his parents and the parents were asked to leave. No money could be given to the parents as it was long spend.

Under those conditions, they would be welcome to it.

Surely you dont expect OP to take her in?? its really a case of her making her own bed. pretty sure that at some point in the future OP's brother will lose his house anyway, no matter how much money he receives for free!! I have been in a similar situation with my mum leaving her house to one sister who was always in debt and who, incidentally, would be unable to live in the house because she couldnt use stairs! Our family home ended up being given to sister's daughter!! the other two sisters, myself included, were not even allowed mementos of our father who died many years previously. all pics of me growing upwere binned as was my other sis;s wedding album!! totally divided the family!

Your parents aren't dead, so talking about inheritance isn't appropriate here.

They are within their rights to help your brother - their money, their choice. However, there is no reason you should ever feel obliged to help him. If he gets into debt again, that's his problem, not yours.

Just be glad you're better at managing your money as an independent adult.

Totally understand you're not very happy about it. It's not actually the money, it's the feeling that you're not considered.

One thing I'd be concerned about is that parents need to ensure that 1))% BIL will provide all their care in the future, also that he can be trusted not to get into financial difficulties again. If they've given a considerable amount to him, they won't qualify for free care. That'll leave them in a very difficult situation.