Can a relationship/family realistically survive alcoholism intact?

I suppose I’m asking: can you ever really relax and trust them again? Do people often stay off the alcohol?

Yes, of course they do - for 40, 50 plus years.

But they have to really want to stop, and not imagine - as your husband does - that they can drink again.

A year ago I would of said yes.

real life has shown me no ….

every time he went out I was anxious “will this be the day he relapses”

I was encouraging supporting held the family together but he relapsed , again and again.

of course there are people who never relapse or have the Odd one because that’s addiction.

would I waste another 7 years on an addict and put my kids threw it all again while pretending to myself the kids don’t know.

absolutely not.

Im sorry for you, I hope if you stay he’s s success story x

My dad is an alcoholic and my maternal grandmother.

My grandmother hasn't had a drink in almost 40 years. She's been sober since before I was born. My mum had an awful childhood due to her drinking and disappearing on her 4 children for days at a time. They barely have a relationship and we're NC for many many years but credit where it is due, she managed to boot the bottle.

My dad hasn't been anywhere near as successful. He, like your husband, can't accept that he cannot have a drink at all, ever. At one time he was well respected in his career, had a wife, two children and a lovely home. He is now in his early 60s, unemployable and lives in a council bedsit alone. I haven't spoken to him in months. His drinking has landed him in court on some pretty serious allegations. The problem is that while sober he is the loveliest man but with a drink he is evil. He can't not drink and it has destroyed his life.

It can go both ways. Some people succeed in beating it. Others don't. There are casualties in both situations as usually the damage is done by the time they stop drinking.

I don't think AA will fix the issue, i think it could help him to work towards being a recovering alcoholic.

You and your children may benefit from support now to help you all process the situation and prevent more intensive support in the future.

If he can accept that he can never drink again, if he starts therapy to address the roots of his dependency, if he does everything possible to maintain a sober life - then it's possible. My Dsis' partner is 13 years sober and continues to put in the work.

But the ones who manage sustained recovery are the exception, not the rule. Alcohol killed my husband. Right to the end he believed he could moderate. He lost everything before he died, his marriage, his kids (they refused to see him), his house (he was removed by the police), his job.

I should also add that, as the child, I'm so glad my parents stayed together. We came through it as a family. Yes, I have been affected by it, and the effect will be lifelong. But we healed together in the end and we all talk very openly about it.

I realise that isn't everyone's experience and at a certain point, sometimes separation is necessary. I guess I'm just trying to add an alternative voice from someone who is deeply grateful that the other parent stuck it out. But you have to do what feels right for your family, not just for your kids but for you as well.

I know you are desperate for people on this thread to tell you it will be wonderful when he stops drinking and you can trust him and he will never drink again etc This is wishful thinking sorry you really needto face the truth.If in a few years he is teetotal you could be together but now you need to live apart.Think of your children please.

I think you need to be willing to leave. And as long as he tries to carry on drinking normally, rather than accepting he can't, the problem will remain.

But it is possible to come out the other side. One of my parents was an alcoholic (they would say they still are because addiction is lifelong, despite having been sober now for over 20 years). My parents stayed together. It was tough and for years their relationship was hugely affected but now they're stronger than ever. It took many, apparent 'rock bottoms' though before that breakthrough. And sadly through AA I know of many people who never got there. But there is hope.

Your kids might never recover. That's me and it will live with me forever.

I think you need support in this.

Google codependency.

Also, there is nothing to suggest your partner is at least remotely ready to go to AA, therapy and quit drinking forever.

He will always be an alcoholic, even if he remains sober forever after.

OP you keep asking the hypothetical “if he does x,y, z, can I trust him in the future?” Right now, in the present, he can’t be arsed to take the problem seriously. So you can’t trust him NOW. That is all that matters. The present moment. Alchoholism is all in the family and the alcoholic controls everyone and everything with his choices, his drinking, his occasional resolutions to stop. You are sad and angry when he drunk drives, you are tremulously happy when he bows his head and admits he has a problem, you are proud and excited when he doesn’t ruin an important family occasion when he’s drunk, you are furious and crushed when you have made plans to pay the mortgage /go to a wedding/pay the kids tuition/See the grandkids and he is on a bender or loses his job. You can’t relax and you can’t trust because he can’t be trusted during all the little nows of your life.

Retrospectively, if he really commits to sobriety and manages it for years, he may prove himself trustworthy—but until those years have passed without incident you will not be able to trust him.

Did you report him?

I know it's difficult op.

But he isn't a good father. He drunk drove your children. It's illegal.

Ffs
He is NOT good with the kids.
He drove after drinking a bottle of wine and you are still with him?
And you’re asking if the family will be ok and intact? Of course it bloody won’t- how can it be if his addiction puts other peoples lives at risk.
How can you stay with him? Is being married really more important to you than your children’s safety.

Even if you somehow manage to run interference on his behaviour with the kids, his drinking will still affect them, and seriously destabilise their childhood.

Clearly you have been in the situation so long that you are not registering the difference between normal and abnormal.

This is not normal.

My ex husband was and is an alcoholic.
The lines in the sand became so blurred over the years - I really was the frog in boiling water, accepting lies and slips ups which I would tell a friend to run screaming from.

I managed a decade of finding hidden bottles, of constantly trying to work out if he'd had a drink, of lies and pledges to stop. Then he drove with the kids in the car and crashed it. That was it - because my children needed to be safe and he was an adult who could look after himself.

It was the lying that killed it for me. There's no trust because the booze and that unquenchable thirst is always more important than anything else.

If you can, take a step back and look at your life. Would you want one of your kids living like that?

I can't believe that you haven't divorced him for drink driving! That would be a total deal breaker for me - never mind your kids, what if he killed someone else's kids???
My FIL had alcohol issues. My MIL said she would leave him. He was never violent or unpleasant, (or drove drunk), just went into a stupor.
He went into rehab in his 30s and has never touched it again. Even at our wedding he had apple juice.
I know someone whose family did survive his ongoing alcoholism but I think his wife was mad to put up with it and I think it was a totally unhealthy environment for their daughter. He eventually died from pancreatic cancer.

Until he accepts he can never drink again (which I believe they require for aa) it will only get worse and worse. He may also never be able to accept that

It can happen, but the after effects on everyone's mental health shouldn't be underestimated.

Sorry OP, no. Not until he means to quit seriously.

I am the child of two alcoholics. After we watched my father die it is beyond upsetting to watch my mother do the same, while shouting at us that she is not an alcoholic, that she is an adult, blah, blah, blah. I love them both. I deeply resent them both for this weakness.

Every situation is different but you absolutely can. Again, operating word being FUNCTIONAL.

my fil is a total slush (still is at 70+) Yet, managed to get his engineering degree from MIT (Boston), keep his high paying job and send his three boys to Ivy League colleges in the US.

He’s still married to his wife, and when my husband asked her why she stayed with dad if he was such an. Alcoholic she replied “because he’s loyal”

my fil had rules around when he drank, but he is an alcoholic.

Agree. My father also was an alcoholic and died from it. Protect your kids op. The stress and anxiety it will be causing them will quite honestly fuck them up for life.

Lots of families function with an alcoholic member. But usually with certain requisits.
The alcoholic is fully functional and doesn't engage in risky or anti social behaviour.
There is plenty of support around them (enablers) to pick up the slack and the pieces.
They are priveleged so have enough status and money to throw at any problems arising, from buying in help, to medical needs, to being able to afford their addiction without sacrifice of other things.
If you can't give three yeses then the prognosis is poor. If you can, you might scrape through, but at much cost to you as the support person.

a drunk father is neither devoted nor functional. To minimise this is really unhelpful. Children deserve a clear headed, present, focused parent and adults deserve the same from a partner.

I voted YANBU, but I meant it that yanbu to question whether it can work.

Honestly from personal experience, until they accept they have a problem with alcohol and that they cannot drink again, it cannot work.

Your life becomes a rollercoaster and the relationship isn't a functional one as the addict cannot be part of a functional couple.

I'm supporting my DC through their bereavement, as their dad died from alcoholic liver disease. It is a progressive illness and only a lucky few see the other side.

I don't think it depends.

My MIL tried to keep it all together and pretend her husband's alcoholism didn't exist.

My husband still ended up with an alcoholic for a partner (before me).

It affected him, growing up. It normalises things for children that should never be normalised.