Can a relationship/family realistically survive alcoholism intact?

You actually allowed him to drive your kids, after he's relapsed multiple times before? Sorry, but that is totally incomprehensible to me. You are underreacting massively. He could have killed your children.

Any update OP, people here still care.

The amount he’s drinking is an awful lot, maybe you’re conditioned to think it’s not, or because it’s not hard spirits it’s not as bad. He’s driven your children when drunk, and could have killed them, or someone else’s children, or family member. He’s hiding the fact he’s drinking again. You know it won’t get better. He’s not in a position where he’s accepting he can’t ever drink again. He won’t stop, you’ll always be finding bottles hidden away. You will never trust him. You deserve better and more importantly, so do your children

I really feel for you, OP, but you sound as if you are in denial of the extent of the problem. I would recommend Al-Anon, and get your children out of there.

Define intact..

my father was an alcoholic. He eventually quit after having a complete mental breakdown. He and my mother are still together. I don’t believe he’s ever drunk again but I still fight the demons of that childhood daily, as does my brother. We are both NC with our parents.

Can I ask why you don't think this is much op?

Plus this is what you know about. There will be more than you know about.

Please seek help for your own sake here and your kids. You can't save him. Only yourselves.,

BIL had this attitude, despite his wife leaving him and increasing health problems caused by it. He'd say he was giving up after being admitted to hospital but it would be "I can still have the occasional one", "I dont have a problem I've just been unlucky" etc. He died in his 50s.

DH on the other hand recognised he had a problem when younger (no prompting from me I just thought he went a bit overboard sometimes, we werent married or had kids yet, no "rock bottom"), decided the only way to deal with it was to give up completely, set himself a date when he'd stop drinking and now has been teetotal for 20 years. He says it can still be hard sometimes.

That is a huge amount to drink. Plus he is regularly drinking and driving…

To give you a sense of a normal pattern.

My DH (late forties) works in a field where client entertaining is a regular occurrence.
Several nights he won’t drink anything. We just have water with meals.

A couple of nights a week he will have drinks with clients and have 1 or 2 beers, picking lower alcohol brands.

At the weekend we might have 1 glass of wine with supper or perhaps a couple if we go out for a restaurant meal. But often he will say no to a glass if he’s feeling tired or off colour.

Please think seriously about taking steps to limit his ability to drive.

Wow OP 3 bottles of wine in one session is bad. Thats 10 units a bottle so 30 in just that one day. On a normal week they are drinking between 70-140 units. Mine i would estimate drinks around 70-80 a week. You really need to call this a day or this will be your forever.

Absolutely this. My mother thought I was okay. The reality was she had no idea what my father said or did when he was drunk and she wasn’t around.

His alcoholism and her enabling have impacted everything: my education, my work, my self-worth, my relationship choices. The only thing I really gained was the resilience I developed to make sure I built a decent life regardless.

Please put your children first. It’s not loving for them, or for your partner to sit back and do nothing.

I wanted to say this too

This is v good advice. My dad was a functional alcoholic. Worked, could just about afford it, didn’t ever drive drunk. Wasn’t usually abusive with it (the odd time, but no pattern of abuse). Mum was reliable and looked after me and my siblings. We’re ok. He even stopped drinking for a few years. Life looked good for my parents for a while. Then he died from an alcohol related condition. Probably, my relationships with both parents were seriously impaired. My siblings don’t seem do badly affected. But we’re all ok. There’s always pain, but it’s manageable. I don’t think mum regrets her choices.

your situation is different . He’s drink driving. He could kill someone including himself. I don’t think i could cope with that. His drinking might get worse or it might not. But you get to choose. Just choose with your eyes wide open.

My lifelong experience from early childhood onwards of family members etc. with substance use disorders (including alcohol) would indicate no. It harms children exposed to it in ways that profoundly influences their later life and even life chances.

I feel sorry for you but I'm angry too.

If you feel insecure about whether he can turn around after the latest lapse how on earth do you think your children feel? you have the choice to split and offer the kids stability. They can't do that for themselves. As the adult it's your job to make the hard decisions for them.

I hear you, sure, they love their dad and want a happy family with mum and dad, but it's not on the cards is it? Hes planning to drink again and you're wondering if his sobriety will last longer than the last time. It's not fair.

Another voice here OP saying that this is not promising. He doesn't seem to be serious about quitting. This is a familiar pattern, those who don' t necessary want to stop drinking at all, they just want to stop the consequences of their drinking, iyswim.
His actions don't at all seem like someone who is really interested in stopping.
Abstinence is hard work over many months and years. Requires radical honesty and transparency and REPAIR of fractured relationships. This isn't what you are describing.
Your children are more aware than you think, and I agree with the others who say that a 'good father' doesn't drive intoxicated with his kids in the car, or lie to their mum, or choose alcohol over them, etc etc.

Every alcoholic is a functioning alcoholic until they're not.

How much he drinks is largely irrelevant, even though there is a lot at stake he can't stop and doesn't really want to.

To repeat what has been said already, he has to accept that he can't ever drink again. He is still in denial about the nature of his problem. If he is attending AA but still thinks he will only require a period of abstinence to reset his drinking then I promise you he's only attending to appease you. There is a a chance that he may get the message however reluctant his attendance is but if he doesn't really want to stop for good then he won't do the work and that's what makes he difference.

Loving parents do not risk their children's lives by drink driving with the in the car. Alcoholism makes the unacceptable acceptable. In my experience it will only get worse until he decides he can't live like this any longer.

You can decide for yourself what you are prepared to put up with but you also have an obligation to protect your children from the harm caused by an alcoholic parent. I would ask him to leave, you shouldn't have to live with worrying about his drinking.

People can and do get sober and stay sober for the rest of their lives but you have to want it. Long term recovering alcoholics don't live everyday fighting a desire to drink, most don't even think about alcohol but they are also under no illusion that they are cured and they take steps to keep themselves well.

Al -Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. You might find their support helpful.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

It’s amazing how many people will say it isn’t though. I used to work with a woman who’d easily drink half or a whole bottle of red wine on afternoon lunches with our boss 4 days a week, but no, she didn’t have a drink problem she said!

Agreed. I only lived with my dad up til age of 4/5 as an alcoholic and got to know him again at 13, no contact in between. However, they say drinking etc is genetic or addiction and I think definitely when younger I’d drink a lot, binge drink, and do stupid things sometimes. I mean I was probably quite tame really but I’m lucky now that friends I do have and my boyfriend we don’t drink a lot.

I was at a 50th birthday party of a best friend of my boyfriend this summer and there was a man there, same age or slightly younger, good looking but said he’d had drink and drugs issues his entire life but was now a first time dad with a baby so had calmed down and stopped drink/drugs. All I could think of when I saw him was pity and thought he was a pathetic man. Because he sort of wanted to prove that now if he wanted to he could still party and pull women, whereas I ran in the other direction back to my boyfriend!

One bottle A DAY is excessive

I’m surprised my stepdad with his half or one bottle a night for years hasn’t got more than high blood pressure tablets. Think with stepdad 3 x weekly gym visits and losing weight from mid 40s onwards helped him.

Do you think that maybe that amount doesn't seem too excessive because it's been normalised over time. And that maybe one feels ok because it could be worse, it could be three so one feels safer?

Yes: a friend’s husband was a two bottle a night man. Horrible health complications as a result in his early thirties and that tall, good looking, life of the party man ended up a frail, wasted, shell of himself.