Can a relationship/family realistically survive alcoholism intact?

Well done. You can do hard things, onwards and upwards xx

Personally , I’d expect him to show me he is trying to stop, seeking advice, going to support groups etc before I’d even allow him unsupervised nights with the children. He needs to realise that there are consequences to his actions.

life is going to be tough for both of you but you’ll get there and hopefully he does too.

Dh is an alcoholic. Not that he accepted that fact, but he drank every night, two bottles of wine until he was incoherent.

He was unbearable if he didn’t drink for some reason. Miserable about it. But he was a miserable drunk too, so there was no difference.

Two years ago, I said I was leaving if he didn’t stop. He was away for the night with work. They went to the pub and he got shitfaced as usual. He called me slurring, as usual, talking shit. He didn’t end the call and I heard three of his colleagues, Two women and his male boss talking about what a fucking disgrace he was. One women was saying she was just going to pay for a separate taxi to get him back to the hotel as she didn’t want to be fucking mortified at his behaviour again and they all agreed they didn’t want to travel with him.

I told him the next day, he went mental saying that I was stirring trouble, they would never do that, they were his friends, I was jealous of the successful women. (He didn’t remember being slung in a taxi on his own, clearly).

I told him that was enough.

He hasn’t had a drink since that night, found “health” and is actually very evangelical about not drinking now.

But that’s had a knock on effect to me. I didn’t have a drinking problem. I could take it or leave it. If I wasn’t invited out, I’d go years between drinks (I’m a Billy no mates).

But I met some school mums a few years ago and I’d love to occasionally go for a night out and have a few drinks. I can’t though as I know the second I have one drink, he will say it’s not fair and start drinking again and I cannot go back to that decade of hell.

Oh and I'd add that I have serious issues with my Dad for staying with my step mother.

I wish he'd divorced her long before he did and in the end it was me phoning the police on her that was the beginning of the end.

I still almost 30 years later cannot believe that my Dad did not stick up for us as a family by asking his second wife to leave. (We stayed with him all the time as our Mum had died).

Your children might have trauma around your decisions right now. They might even be highly critical of your choices.

I think you could all do with some counselling.

FWIW, I've seen both in my family. In one case the man (both alcoholics are men) went to AA and various other help organisations, but I don't think, deep down, he wanted to stop. He's a very sensitive, rather emotionally fragile man, and he is in a bad way now, rock bottom, homeless, still drinking. His marriage broke up when his wife realised he wasn't going to stop. She ran out of energy to support him, which isn't surprising.

Second case, after several relapses, the man went back to AA, stuck it out and has been sober for over 20 years. His marriage was obviously rocky when he was drinking, but is now very strong.

So a marriage can survive, but the alcoholic partner really needs to stop. It's up to the other partner to decide if they can cope with relapses.

I'd be cautious about contact with the kids given his driving with them. Contact should be for the benefit of the children, not him. I'd it really in their best interests? I say this as such a child of an alcoholic.

@Autumnleavesfalling23 you're doing the right thing. You're living with an addict in denial who has endangered your children - that's the end, it has to be. His recovery is for him to own, not for you to fret about.

So sorry @Autumnleavesfalling23

the future is brighter after this, I promise

@Autumnleavesfalling23 huge hugs and a handhold. This will be some of the toughest times but as someone who has been through the otherside (child of an alcoholic parent) and seen many loved ones go through it, I promise you there are better days ahead. Keep going and you will get there.

Sadly addicts will relapse. It's about how they deal with it. Drunk driving is obviously a deal breaker. That's the thing that you can hopefully control. But not if he's lying about it.
The addiction is really strong. Could you tell him to go to a residential detox/ rehab, else you'll strongly consider asking him to leave the house? I'm presuming he doesn't believe it's that bad. He might if you phrase it that way.
Some people attend AA but think they can restrict rather than be abstinent. With that programme it's not possible really.

Thinking of you. You've done what you thought was best, but what you now know is best has changed, and you're willing to do it. Best of luck x

So sorry you are going through this. But no. From personal experience I have yet to see any relationship survive alcoholism and be a healthy, happy relationship. Plenty of people stay together, but they don't thrive. And sometimes, it is the relationship which - unknowingly to all concerned - which keeps the alcoholic drinking through enablement. It is a cruel disease and for the sake of your DC I would walk away. They deserve more.

There is absolutely no point him attending AA if he is drinking. That achieves nothing and if he is attending at all he will be lying there too about his sobriety. Being banned may stop him driving, but it might not. If he was the kind of person to care about legalities he wouldn't be driving drunk and risking killing someone.

He is setting your teens a horrible example. He is showing them its ok to drink to excess and ok to get in the car with a driver who's drunk. That could be their friends in a couple of years, drunk at a party and them thinking its ok to get a lift home because thats the standard that's been set. You can say its wrong how ever much you want, but if you stay with him you are normalising his behaviour and showing your children its ok. The standard you walk past is the one you accept. Actions speak way louder than words.

Report him to the police next time. No need to argue with him. You are enabling him otherwise, and your children are growing up with an alcoholic. I think you should make plans to free you and your children from this situation. Leave him.

My Mum gave up booze and stayed off it. The problems didn’t go away though - the things we used to blame the alcohol for were still there to a lesser extent maybe but she’s still a very difficult woman.

I’m do sorry.

Sorry, but he doesn't want to stop.

He just wants to keep on stringing you along with empty promises.

It's time to plan to separate, and to show your children that you are willing to put them first. Give yourself a deadline by which you and the children will be free of the chokehold.

Alcoholism is a disease that keeps on ravaging the family as long as the enabling individual won't get serious about protecting the family.

Your husband doesn’t want to stop drinking,it’s that simple.I am a member of A.A. and have been sober 21 years,sadly it is common for people to come to meetings because family are on their back,but for whatever reason they carry on drinking.

You can call Al-anon and get help for yourself.You are doing the right thing in asking him to leave the family home.

OP I'm so sad for you.

My ex-step mother joined our family when I was 10. She was an alcoholic

She couldn't drive.

However I used to wish she'd get drunk and fall under a bus because of the damage she was doing to our family.

Your DC probably don't wish that about their DF - but they will hate what's happening. Giving them distance from him can only be a good thing.

Really sorry. You know what you need to do and by doing it you are prioritising your children which is the right and important thing to minimise further trauma and risk to them.

I'm dealing with the realisation that I'm going to have to leave my alcoholic husband, and this thread has been hugely helpful in supporting that. I've had my head in the sand and not prioritised my children. Thanks to all the pp's who've been so honest.

OP - I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but sounds like you know you've reached the end of the line. Don't let him risk your kids like that again. Unfortunately, being charged with drink driving may have no effect on stopping him from doing it again, given his history of doing it repeatedly.

You absolutely do need to split. Start divorce proceedings immediately. He has endangered the lives of your children and that is unforgivable.