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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell Ex he isn't having the kids tonight

67 replies

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:29

Although ex is good in a sense that he regularly sees the children and takes them overnight every weekend, I feel he is taking the piss!

He used to pick them up at 11am Saturday morning but this has gradually gone to 12, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm over the past year or so. I spend my Saturday waiting for him. He plays football and says every week he will text me what time he is finishing the night before. He never does. Sometimes his GF will tell me she will collect them at a certain time and then rocks up 3 hours later after they've been ready and waiting for hours.

A few weeks ago he rang at 5 and said he was leaving the pub, he had went for drinks after football and would pick them up on the way home. I told him in no uncertain terms was he driving with my children in the car after drinking and I dropped them off myself.

Today once again I've waited in all day for a text off him or gf. At 5 I put the kids tea in the oven and his gf texts to say she is passing in a min and do I want her to get them. I said thanks but I've just put their tea in the oven. She said no worries she will txt ex to collect on his way back from football. He texts me ten mins later to say he is leaving the pub and have the kids finished eating? I say no. Forget it and get them tomorrow.

Once again, football and drinking have come before his children and I'm fed up bending over backwards to accommodate him. We have nothing planned this evening but the kids don't like going anyway as he watches TV while they are left to their own devices bored in the house all day but I am trying to keep a relationship going between them!

His gf has txt me a few more times on his behalf and I have replied saying not to worry about it as I don't want to get at her, its his fault. AIBU to tell him a flat out no if he rocks up?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:32

ParisHi1ton · 14/10/2023 18:26

If he trains at football until 11am on a Saturday morning, could you take the kids there and drop them off at the changing room?

It's not ideal, but at least you'll know what the plan is on Sat, he won't go to the pub (one would hope) and the kids would get to spend some time with their father sober for a change.

His times change every week. He says he will txt me Friday night to let me know but never does and when I txt to ask I get no response or that gf will get them at a certain time but she is always really late (which I'm not holding against her - they're not her responsibility)

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:32

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:13

I think it speaks volumes that she is the one texting me now though rather than him who has either shrugged because he isn't arsed or is throwing a strop blaming me.

Likely he’s too pissed

Tomorrow will be awful for the children op

Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:30

Can I throw in here that he isn't pissed all the time. Its the time keeping that is annoying me and putting football first. The pub has happened twice over the last few weeks following football that I know of. Its just annoyed me even more that the kids are waiting for him to finish football then he goes the pub afterwards and thinks he's OK to drive with them in the car.
He goes out in the night sometimes clubbing when gf has them herself however which I have also had words with him about. I don't sacrifice my weekends with my children to go to another woman, as nice as she is, if he doesn't wanted to utilize his time with them I will keep them myself! Noone gets pregnant with the intentions of giving their babies away every week and it pains me that I have to do it for nothing quite often.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 14/10/2023 18:29

Does he play football and then drink every Saturday? If so, he either needs to switch to an every other weekend arrangement and take them the full time, skipping football if he has no one else for them, or he has to switch the day.

What's happening now isn't working for you.

"The kids will be ready for pick up 11am-12noon today. If you don't come for them, I'll assume you don't want them for the weekend and we will be off out"

ParisHi1ton · 14/10/2023 18:26

If he trains at football until 11am on a Saturday morning, could you take the kids there and drop them off at the changing room?

It's not ideal, but at least you'll know what the plan is on Sat, he won't go to the pub (one would hope) and the kids would get to spend some time with their father sober for a change.

HamBone · 14/10/2023 18:20

@Honeychickpea Tbf, the gf’s perspective isn’t really relevant in this situation, as it’s the children’s contact time with their father, not her.

Obviously it’s great that she’s so nice and welcoming, but if he’s pissed/hungover/not bothering to interact with them, there’s no point them being at his house, is there?

If he’s drunk, it’s actually a safeguarding problem, tbh.

Honeychickpea · 14/10/2023 18:15

BeeCucumber · 14/10/2023 18:02

Text back no - to their father. In future, set a time and stick to it. If he can’t be bothered to make the effort to see his children - why should you? As an aside, his girlfriend probably wants them over for something to do instead of watching him snore on the sofa.

I sincerely doubt that, and your sneer at ex's partner says a lot about you.

Ladyj84 · 14/10/2023 18:14

Drink before his kids says it all. I would be saying sorry there staying here tonight

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 14/10/2023 18:13

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:03

His girlfriend doesn't have children, no. She is absolutely lovely, too good for the cheating waste of space if I'm honest. She often has the children on her own so he can go and play out with his friends like a child.
It was part of the reason we split up, everyone and everything else came before us and he was never here (plus his cheating to seal the deal).
I've replied saying they're in their pjs for the night but thankyou for the offer. So tempted to add a few more snippets from further comments on here but I'll have it out with him tomorrow if he's not too hungover to turn up on time again (if I get a time!)

Sounds like she's possibly quite lonely as well if he's out getting pissed all the time.

She can probably pretend it's all fine for a bit with the kids round to distract her and play happy families with instead of listening to a selfish pisshead.

Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:13

I think it speaks volumes that she is the one texting me now though rather than him who has either shrugged because he isn't arsed or is throwing a strop blaming me.

OP posts:
MrsMarzetti · 14/10/2023 18:07

It is not fair on the children to be left hanging about every Saturday waiting to be picked up. Tell him the children need a set time and to be picked up by him sober.

frazzledasarock · 14/10/2023 18:05

I’d just reply no thanks. Then mute her and ignore.

moving forward I tihnk you need to make clear contact pick up time. Give him a half hour leeway unless he messages and tells you in advance of time changes.

And stick to it, he doesn’t turn up without letting you know in advance within a half hour of arranged pick up time, start doing your own stuff don’t be home, arrange other things. Unless it suits you to hang around waiting.

Worddance · 14/10/2023 18:05

My goodness he is really taking the proverbial.

Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:03

His girlfriend doesn't have children, no. She is absolutely lovely, too good for the cheating waste of space if I'm honest. She often has the children on her own so he can go and play out with his friends like a child.
It was part of the reason we split up, everyone and everything else came before us and he was never here (plus his cheating to seal the deal).
I've replied saying they're in their pjs for the night but thankyou for the offer. So tempted to add a few more snippets from further comments on here but I'll have it out with him tomorrow if he's not too hungover to turn up on time again (if I get a time!)

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 14/10/2023 18:02

Text back no - to their father. In future, set a time and stick to it. If he can’t be bothered to make the effort to see his children - why should you? As an aside, his girlfriend probably wants them over for something to do instead of watching him snore on the sofa.

Darkmode2 · 14/10/2023 18:02

Next time he texts you from the pub to say he's leaving ring the police and give them his number plate, you'll be doing everyone a favour

NalafromtheLionKing · 14/10/2023 18:01

I think just text back and say sorry but I really need ex to be reliable and to pick them up at a set time without drinking first.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:01

Yuck

i wouldn’t want my children let alone a 6 year old getting in to a car with their dad pissed and stinking out the car

OhmygodDont · 14/10/2023 18:01

Ex gf has the children overnight at the weekend 😉

saffronsoup · 14/10/2023 18:01

Pinkshoppingbag · 14/10/2023 17:54

Yup, from now on say that if he doesn't pick up by 12pm they will not be available for contact and do something else.

Agreed. Don’t sit around all day waiting for them. Pick up by noon or you are assuming they aren’t coming this weekend. Then go about your day.

it isn’t good for your kids to sit around all day waiting to see if or when he comes. The lack of sobriety is a safety issue.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:00

Although ex is good in a sense that he regularly sees the children and takes them overnight every weekend, I feel he is taking the piss!

you and I have very different views on what’s “good” in a father Op

from your op it would seem every time he has contact with them on the weekend he’s either pissed or presumably hungover the next day

dancingdaisies · 14/10/2023 17:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2023 17:58

I'd reply and say thanks for the offer but they don't cope well with the uncertainty - and changing plans again will not work for them

And then when he has sobered up, see if you can see your ex face to face and tell him the kids are turning down invites with their friends and hobbies etc because they think they are going to see them. Ask him how often he thinks he wants to see them and what consistent time would work best for him. Agree a time eg 4pm every otger saturdat and tell him if he is over half an hour late then you will assume he isn't bothered about seeing them and carry on with your weekends and he won't see them

HamBone · 14/10/2023 17:58

That’s a good point, @OhmygodDont . Even if his gf picks them up, it’s actually their contact time with their father and why should they spend time with a drunk Dad?

OhmygodDont · 14/10/2023 17:55

I’d just text back.

“Ex can come and collect them tomorrow when his sober. In future we need a concrete time when Ex will be able to collect them Sober on his days, it’s not fair on the children to be left sat waiting around”

if your up for a wee fight. Continues the text “ waiting around for when his decided his had enough beer to then either delegate his responsibility to you or to over the limit to legally drive.”

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