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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with in laws?

90 replies

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 15:04

Will try to keep details as brief as possible. We have been invited on a holiday abroad next year with my in laws and I really don't want to go. The holiday would be paid for by them, we would just need to pay for flights and some spending money.

Ever since the birth of our first child I have found them more and more unbearable. My MIL is very overbearing and treats my DS like it's her baby- she has even referred to him excitedly as my baby. We clash a lot over things like weaning, screen time etc.

I have nothing in common with them and their idea of a holiday is to drink heavily and lay by the pool getting sunburnt all day. I don't drink due to health reasons and like to explore local culture etc. My FIL is not as overbearing as my MIL but can be emotionally manipulative and volatile.

Since giving birth I have also suffered with severe anxiety and PND which I am receiving counselling for but the idea of having to travel abroad with a toddler seems incredibly stressful.

Basically AIBU to deny my DH a nice holiday with his family even though I'll be miserable the whole time??

OP posts:
SweetFemaleAttitude · 14/10/2023 21:24

It's perfectly usual for an excited grandmother to talk about "her baby". It doesn't mean she literally thinks it's her baby

Umm what?? No. It's not 'perfectly usual' for a granny to call her grandchild 'my baby'

If this is normal for you, I would suggest some kind of family therapy.

Snowdayplease · 14/10/2023 20:31

I think a weekend away somewhere could be a compromise.

Sugarfree23 · 14/10/2023 20:15

Just say 'No, I don't like big family holidays'

I've done 4 night short break with my ILs it was 3 nights too long!

HungryandIknowit · 14/10/2023 20:05

Do not go. Go once you'll be expected to again. It would probably also be wotse6for your relationship in the long run if they're as bad as you describe. Would encourage H to go though - find some excuse.

spinspinsugars · 14/10/2023 20:03

OP I went on Holiday with my In-Laws when my DC was just 4 Months. I was dreading it in the lead up and looking back wish I was brave enough to cancel! It was awful Confused My MIL doesn't sound quite so overbearing as yours but my FIL basically controlled the entire Holiday, where we ate, what time we all met up in the day, where we would go for entertainment.. and nobody said a word including myself! We had one night without them and it was the best part of the whole holiday! If you absolutely don't want to go, then please don't.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/10/2023 19:58

beetr00 · 14/10/2023 19:01

I always think that if you make an excuse the first time, it's so much more difficult going forward?

Although difficult, have courage and set your boundaries straight away.

Edited
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I guess it depends how many expenses paid holidays they are going to offer, it wouldn't be a regular occurrence in my family!

Original poster
TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 19:29

@qwerty123454 This sounds horrific, I'm so sorry.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 14/10/2023 19:01

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/10/2023 18:45

Just tell them you can't get annual leave then but your husband can go with your son, they cant argue with that. Plus you won't be there so why worry about it being awkward?

Show quote history

I always think that if you make an excuse the first time, it's so much more difficult going forward?

Although difficult, have courage and set your boundaries straight away.

Sigmama · 14/10/2023 18:51

Turn it to your advantage, can't you just go and do your own thing, paid for by them

Justmuddlingalong · 14/10/2023 18:49

I think you can justifiably refuse to go. However I don't think it's up to you to decide if DH goes, or if he takes DS.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/10/2023 18:45

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 16:03

Thanks for the replies everyone! DH and DC going without me isn't really an option as I would worry the whole time about my DS and DH going alone would cause a big argument and lots of awkwardness!

It sounds terrible but if my in-laws were different people I would try to overcome my concern over how stressful travelling would be and make the best of a bad situation. My DH would like to go just for some sunshine but he's also reluctant to tell his parents no.

If we wanted a family day to ourselves they would be offended, it's hard to explain just how overbearing they can be without giving too much away.

I have told him it's basically my idea of hell and that I really don't want to go.

Tempted to agree to go just once and then if it's completely awful I can put my foot down with DH the next time they suggest a family holiday.

Just tell them you can't get annual leave then but your husband can go with your son, they cant argue with that. Plus you won't be there so why worry about it being awkward?

Ktime · 14/10/2023 18:40

YANBU. Could DH go alone? And then you all have your family holiday later

Greenpolkadot · 14/10/2023 18:38

qwerty123454 · 14/10/2023 17:30

I've been away with the IL's and some of their extended family for four of the last five years.

I would never have agreed to go the first time if I'd have known it was going to be a yearly thing where pressure gets put on me to go and my DP also doesn't drive.

This year was not good. I had an argument with DP just as we were leaving to go. Every day we got woken up at 5:00am by two different people doing their morning routines and the whole time we were there the MIL was her usually overbearing and general busy body self, getting in everybody's business and bossing people around.

I had an awful five nights sleep. The drive home was bad and took four hours. When we got home we had a huge row. Easily the biggest we've ever had in 15+ years together.

I have vowed not to go again. Next year has already been booked. I've told DP I don't want to go. I feel your pain OP, don't go and don't be pressured like I am. I don't enjoy any of it and I just don't want to go ever again

I feel your misery qwerty.
Cant you just say 'im not going ' and stick to it.....instead of ' I don't want to go '

MillTree · 14/10/2023 18:00

Have a sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Holidays are so precious. You deserve a rest as well. Could you suggest a weekend away with them instead? So you still go away with them but for a shorter break?

My experience with parents “treating” us to holidays with them (and I’ve been away with my own and my in laws) is that there is a certain level of expectation that you do what they want to do. And so you bend over backwards to give them the holiday they want, rather than what you might enjoy.

I’ve been in this situation so many times. And always just gone on holiday with them, out of love, duty and guilt. It’s complicated. I know they won’t be around forever. But now I’m in my mid-forties, I’ve gotten better at putting my needs first whilst finding kind ways to still do things with our parents. Just not such an intense break away.

My mother-in-law is challenging, and went in a massive huff when I suggested one day out of seven that me and the husband went for dinner alone. I don’t know. I guess they just see us as the kids and they’re still in charge.

The point I’m trying to make? You’re not letting anyone down if you don’t go. Try and find an easier alternative that keeps everyone happy! Yourself included! 😊

Peachy2005 · 14/10/2023 17:50

It’ll be harder to say no if you set the precedent of going. Just say no!

qwerty123454 · 14/10/2023 17:30

I've been away with the IL's and some of their extended family for four of the last five years.

I would never have agreed to go the first time if I'd have known it was going to be a yearly thing where pressure gets put on me to go and my DP also doesn't drive.

This year was not good. I had an argument with DP just as we were leaving to go. Every day we got woken up at 5:00am by two different people doing their morning routines and the whole time we were there the MIL was her usually overbearing and general busy body self, getting in everybody's business and bossing people around.

I had an awful five nights sleep. The drive home was bad and took four hours. When we got home we had a huge row. Easily the biggest we've ever had in 15+ years together.

I have vowed not to go again. Next year has already been booked. I've told DP I don't want to go. I feel your pain OP, don't go and don't be pressured like I am. I don't enjoy any of it and I just don't want to go ever again

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 17:22

Agree-then get a strategic illness. Your dp and the children can go- you get a peaceful week. Win-win.

Gymnopedie · 14/10/2023 17:12

Oysterbabe · 14/10/2023 15:11

You wouldn't have to spend the whole time with them and they can babysit in the evening so you can go out for dinner.

Babysitting after they've been drinking all day???

Original poster
TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 17:09

@pikkumyy77 Thank you so much. My mother was v.controlling as well and the realisation that I've married into that sort of family dynamic is really difficult.

OP posts:
Sarah2891 · 14/10/2023 17:04

Don't go. Better to put your foot down now otherwise this will always be an issue. No point being miserable on holiday.

pikkumyy77 · 14/10/2023 17:02

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 16:03

Thanks for the replies everyone! DH and DC going without me isn't really an option as I would worry the whole time about my DS and DH going alone would cause a big argument and lots of awkwardness!

It sounds terrible but if my in-laws were different people I would try to overcome my concern over how stressful travelling would be and make the best of a bad situation. My DH would like to go just for some sunshine but he's also reluctant to tell his parents no.

If we wanted a family day to ourselves they would be offended, it's hard to explain just how overbearing they can be without giving too much away.

I have told him it's basically my idea of hell and that I really don't want to go.

Tempted to agree to go just once and then if it's completely awful I can put my foot down with DH the next time they suggest a family holiday.

Just say no. Protect your little family from these controlling boors. Ignore pisters who pretend not to know how unpleasant some MIL/FIL can be when they think they have paid for their grandparent experience and your independent existence frustrates that. Perhaps other posters have never been under the thumb, or within the area of control, of aggressively selfish family but you have and you know what you know. Don’t be confused and backtrack and deny your own experience. You are a grown woman snd the mother of your own little family. You absolutely can decide “this is not the holiday for me” for any reason and no reason. You don’t have to compromise and make yourself miserable to prove a point.

BeeCucumber · 14/10/2023 16:55

Your in-laws happiness is not your concern. Say no or you will expected to go every year. Getting drunk by a pool is one way to spend your holiday - but it’s not for everyone. IME, having a toddler - days out and coming home to your own bed is far more preferable.

Original poster
TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 16:53

I don't think it should be a big deal at all- my family is so chilled and laid back in comparison- but my FIL tends to kick off if we say no or ask him to respect a boundary regarding our DS.

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 14/10/2023 16:50

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 15:56

You don't have to do the same as them every day.
It's perfectly usual for an excited grandmother to talk about "her baby". It doesn't mean she literally thinks it's her baby.
You don't have to go.

It's perfectly usual for an excited grandmother to talk about "her baby"

Is it?! Maybe this is a regional thing or something because I've never come across this and I would think it's at best very odd, at worst something akin to a creepy horror film.

MardiLisa · 14/10/2023 16:42

"If we wanted a family day to ourselves they would be offended, it's hard to explain ..."

I think a lot of us will be able to relate to this. But, there is no way round this if you are ever going to get a family day to yourselves. You're going to have to fight this battle if you are ever going to get some space to yourselves. You might as well offend them now as put up with it for years on end and then inevitably end up offending them anyway.

If your husband doesn't back you up on establishing some boundaries for you as a family unit, then as MN is so prone to find, you have a husband problem.

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