AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

Good lord, it's so much easier just to say "sorry, we can't come".

The OP and her husband are already going to a ridiculous amount of expense and effort so she can attend the hen do. The idea that they should do that twice in a short space of time for the same people is batshit.

Also, "hubster"? Bleurgh.

Neither do I. They must be truly desperate for attention, and think that children will take some away from them.

I had children at my wedding, and they were very cute. I didn't even like children at the time (still don't like them that much, as a species).

I would absolutely do my best to accommodate my oldest friend. She clearly doesn't value the friendship all that much.

I don't even like weddings all that much any more. They've gone hideously out of control!!

Lame attempt at sarcasm, but you do you.

No I didn't misunderstand you.

I happen to think that whether or not there is already a distance in the friendship, this has the potential to increase or cause it.

That was for @NIClaire who clearly has no concept of what breastfeeding involves.

firstly congrats on your lovely family! Okay, so here's the thing, IF she says yes to you, there is GOING to be someone else who will feel offended because a) people just like to be offended and b) someone else would have liked to bring their child(ren), and didn't, or couldn't go because the invite essentially said 'no children' but they let her blah blah (and its usually someone pretty high up the guest list like a SIL or Auntie Mavis's daughter or whatever) which is going could cause issues for years for the poor bride. Plus, regardless of how nicely someone words it, a 'either I bring my baby or I can't go' is always going to sound slightly guilt-trippy. You've come up with a good solution for the hen party, could you not do something similar for the actual wedding where baby is kept in a room and you and hubster take turns? No shade as I've been there myself but I was also a wedding photographer for many, many years and have heard so many brides at breaking point because of a series of these seemingly little requests!

We were invited to weddings and parties when DT’s were tiny. We accepted the invites. DT’s were solely bottle fed and we had family or friends babysitting them.

No. It doesn’t work like that.

If she doesn't want your baby there then why did she bother to invite you?

Surely she must realise a baby that young is likely to be ebf. I think it's really thoughtless if your friend.

And your message was completely reasonable.

I think you did the right thing OP. It doesn't hurt to ask. She may have felt awkward about saying no if you had rung her to ask first. Glad it is all sorted but shame you can't go. In the handful of childfree weddings I have been to there were exceptions for very young babies.

A friend had a child-free wedding in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere and has since said, now she has children of her own, that she didn't realise how inconvenient it was for parents and now regrets it. Not saying that your friend will regret it, but that some childless couples are a bit clueless how much organisation (and costs) go into sorting them out when going to events like this.

We went to a wedding once in similar circumstances ie baby breastfeeding. We arranged to stay in the hotel and we arranged a babysitter who could call me when the baby needed fed. It actually did work out ok. Not ideal I know and expensive but if it’s a good friend I think you will always regret not being part of their special day - no one will remember how difficult it was logistically, just that you didn’t manage it.

I agree with others that the message about not coming if you can’t bring the baby has probably upset her. We all need to remember that she’s probably had months of discussion with groom , family etc about how to approach this so it’s likely quite upsetting when people don’t respect that she has thought it all through and made a decision .

She's spoken to her and it's all been put to bed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but a few points:

• It's only the evening do so it's not like you'll have a screaming baby in the ceremony. And if they did start crying you could have left the room, it's a party not the actual ceremony
• If she's a close friend maybe you should have called her. But then she may have thought you were putting her on the spot.
• She should at least have replied to you and certainly not told someone else she isn't happy without having the courtesy to tell you that herself. So is she really a close friend?
• I suggest you leave it and take it as a no. But go to the hen party and be normal with her, just don't mention it. And if she raises it, stop the conversation and say leave it, this isn't the time.
• In the circumstances, as she's not responded, I'd politely decline the invitation to the party without giving a reason - she knows exactly what the reason is.
• Maybe one day she'll be in a similar situation and understand.
• Don't break your friendship if it's a good one for the sake of differing views.
• Let's hope she has a perfect wedding in every other way or woe betide anyone who does so!

🤣🤣🤣

Ok.

@DrMarshaFieldstone Agreed. Maybe Mumsnet should close it. Anyone know how to tag an admin?

Are any of you actually getting anything out of this circular discussion?

Either way, it doesn't really matter because it's a fucking ludicrous thing to ask someone close to you to do, and so the bride will be dealing with either a family member who thinks she's a twat or a former close friend who thinks she's a twat.

Hope it's worth all the aggro for the sake of one day.

Yes, you can. You can decline for whatever reason you like.

Yeah, I’m clear on why you believe it to be a family member. Still not the same thing as knowing it is.

You can't just decline a close family member's wedding on the grounds that you can't be arsed.

That's why the person who pushed back about the ridiculous "you have to take your kids away before the party" rule will be a family member.

The reason it'll be a family member is because any friend with an ounce of sense would just say, "Oh. No, I'm not going to come with my kids and then find a complicated way of getting rid of them before the party starts. That doesn't work for me."

They would either find a way to leave their kids at home altogether, which is probably what the bride would prefer anyway, or they would just not come.

It must be someone who feels obliged to attend and whose kids the bride and groom feel they have no choice to invite.

@MargotBamborough I invited my cousin and her husband to our wedding. Their child would have been six months old at the time but they had to decline the invitation as they didn't have any child care. I said it was a shame but of course I understood and there are no bad feelings between my cousin and I five years on.

I am however, still kind of prickly towards the aunt, uncle and cousin who chose to go to a friend's wedding over mine which was happening on the same day.

None of that is the bride’s problem.

You absolutely can decline if something isn’t convenient for you. Clearly there’s going to be bad feeling whatever choice you make, so just suck it up. Just as your complaints about childfree weddings are the bride’s problem, nor are any complaints about you not attending yours.

The particular bride in question isn’t taking issue with people declining, whereas she is with people pushing back on her wishes for her own fucking wedding.

If it's a friend's wedding you can of course decline. Although speaking from experience, having declined an invitation to a wedding that wasn't convenient for me, the friendship isn't always the same afterwards.

If it's the wedding of a close family member you can't really. There's huge pressure from the rest of the family to attend.

I'm not "salty" at anyone. I've never been in this situation, or anything similar to it. Really, the closest experience I've had is being invited to a wedding without my long term partner, which I declined for various reasons. And the bride was kind of salty about it.