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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Warum · 13/10/2023 11:25

Deathbyfluffy · 13/10/2023 11:23

Nothing seems unreasonable about this - she said the baby wasn’t welcome, you didn’t go, everyone’s happy.

Not sure I can see the problem!

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Agreed, imagine not speaking to someone just because they choose not to have a very young baby at their wedding, and took the time to make it clear to you that the baby wasn't invited so there was no confusion.

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 11:25

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:16

She is probably wondering why someone is asking to bring a child along, when the invite clearly didn't include children.

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The thing is, it isn't clear. Some people assume that 'no children' doesn't include babes in arms because often, it doesn't. For example you don't buy a ticket for a babe in arms at the theatre. They don't take up a seat or any resources unlike an older child.

PickledPurplePickle · 13/10/2023 11:24

YABU - she said no children, and yet you have gone ahead and asked anyway

Does she know that OH is going to be in the hotel for her hen do? I wouldn't be happy with that either

newYear10 · 13/10/2023 11:24

Yanbu in that it's fine for not wanting older children there, but small 4mo babies? No, I wouldn't attend anything that required me to leave my small baby alone. My dh is perfectly capable of doing anything I can do but I didn't want to. Fortunately we don't know such people.

Deathbyfluffy · 13/10/2023 11:23

Frazzledandfried · 13/10/2023 10:54

4 years ago my DP was best man at his mates wedding. The bride to be invited me to go suit shopping with the blokes, and as soon as we got there sat me down (I was pregnant at the time) and said " we need to talk about the baby." My due date was 4 weeks before the wedding and she was adamant that the baby would not be able to be with me if I was a guest at the wedding. She said we could pay a childminder of their choosing to look after the baby at the venue but it wouldn't be allowed in the church, or at the reception as she didn't want any interruptions. I didnt go, stayed at home bonding with my daughter and we haven't spoken since 🤷‍♀️
No way was I leaving my EBF 4 week old with a total stranger.

Nothing seems unreasonable about this - she said the baby wasn’t welcome, you didn’t go, everyone’s happy.

Not sure I can see the problem!

Heyhoherewegoagain · 13/10/2023 11:23

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

😂😂😂

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 11:22

I always advise people to make it very clear on the invite what the wedding is, who's invited and what to expect. Never assume. Pretend all your guests are a bit daft.

If you have a theme or style, state that.
If it's not a sit down meal, state that.
If it's absolutely no children incl babies, state that.
If it's no kids and babies but there will be certain children who are close relatives coming, state that.

Also, talk to people directly who may be impacted by your choices. If someone has a young baby and you don't want babies at the wedding, give them a call and explain.

Tired6789 · 13/10/2023 11:22

Not unreasonable at all. Of course you can't go without baba if ebf at 4 months. Also as you're only invited to night do and not the party I think it's a bit mean to not allow the baba to come

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:21

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 11:17

It might be their choice but it is a bad choice.

Just as chosing to be a misogynist is a bad choice.

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In your opinion it is a bad choice. Other opinions exist and are as valid as yours.
Comparing not inviting children to a wedding with misogyny is somewhat ridiculous, and makes your argument look even weaker than it was to start with.

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 11:21

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 11:17

It might be their choice but it is a bad choice.

Just as chosing to be a misogynist is a bad choice.

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I love how narrow-minded people can be on this forum. If they don't agree with you, they're just "wrong".

How dare a bride and groom organise a wedding as their day, and not make it all about you! 😂

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/10/2023 11:20

DrMarshaFieldstone · 13/10/2023 10:35

I'm afraid I think she made it perfectly clear by not including the baby on the invitation.

MN is convinced that there is a Great Exception for babes-in-arms but the problem is that no-one tells brides this, especially if they don't have children of their own. It didn't affect my wedding as I didn't know anyone with babies but I didn't have a clue that this was a 'thing' when I got married at twenty-six.

I mean, invite babies or don’t, I fully agree that’s the bride and groom’s prerogative, but I don’t see what age has to do with it. Dh and I married young and didn’t have children, but we both understood that parents don’t always have the option of leaving a small baby. Surely that’s obvious.

It’s unfair to assume that all those who are young and childless have no awareness of life outside of their own bubble. Whether or not they do/should care is a different discussion.

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 11:20

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 11:17

It might be their choice but it is a bad choice.

Just as chosing to be a misogynist is a bad choice.

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What are you on... about ?

LadybirdLover · 13/10/2023 11:20

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 11:17

It might be their choice but it is a bad choice.

Just as chosing to be a misogynist is a bad choice.

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Why do you think it’s a bad choice? Confused

I had a childfree wedding. No regrets! Definitely a great choice.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/10/2023 11:19

Lol @ThanksItHasPockets Same thoughts as me

I hasn't tread whole thread before I replied

I don't think you did a dreary in thing asking

But worded better would have been

Sorry love to attend your wedding but as baby is bf so we can't come

Then they can reply saying bring baby. Or no probs thanks for letting me know

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 11:17

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:03

Not inviting children does not have to be related to being 'instaperfect', some folk just prefer a child free celebration - that's their choice!

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It might be their choice but it is a bad choice.

Just as chosing to be a misogynist is a bad choice.

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 11:16

And most couples are on a budget venue restrictions so just want the adults there or specific usually family children that's why they make it child free.

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:16

Sarah2891 · 13/10/2023 11:15

YANBU. She should have been a grown up and had the guts to reply to you instead of bitching to other people.

She is probably wondering why someone is asking to bring a child along, when the invite clearly didn't include children.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/10/2023 11:15

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:48

If the invite didn't explicitly say that it's an adult only event, of course YANBU for asking.

We had kids at our wedding but we didn't put all the kids names on the invites (we didn't even know all their names!) We just assumed people would know their children are invited as the default, because we didn't state 'adults only'. No one contacted us to clarify, they just brought their kids.

I think it's very immature of her to not reply to you, especially when she was vague on the invitation. It would be easy to respond politely saying that it's an adult only event and that she understands you can't make it.

They are close enough to be invited to your wedding but you don't know their kids name ?

Canisaysomething · 13/10/2023 11:15

The bride hasn’t planned an evening event suitable for tiny babies. The music will likely be too loud, you shouldn’t take a 4 month old to a night out like that.

Sarah2891 · 13/10/2023 11:15

YANBU. She should have been a grown up and had the guts to reply to you instead of bitching to other people.

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 11:14

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:12

The child(ren) not being included on the invite, either by name or as 'and family' makes it fairly clear they are not invited.

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I mean this is the assumption I mean other cultures might be different but generally if you want to know if your kids are invited the invite will say "and family"

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 11:14

OP I was a wedding manager for years and very few times did "no kids" also mean "no babes in arms".

I think it was perfectly reasonable to ask and even explain that you sort of need to know so you can decide how to RSVP. Before long she'll be chasing people for answers.

I genuinely don't see how asking the question could upset her so much she can't even reply to you. Maybe she was narked you asked but this is your oldest friend, she really couldn't drop a reply back that said no. If she was annoyed/upset I would have thought she would tell you as well, not bitch about you to other friends.

Personally I think she's behaving quite rude by not replying.

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:13

@Acornsoup 'bridezilla mode' - why do you say this?

Acornsoup · 13/10/2023 11:12

Honestly I wouldn't go to a hen party for an evening invite at a wedding.

I don't think YABU. Your friend is in bridezilla mode, but the world doesn't revolve around her.

I don't think your message sounded cheeky either - she's a bit of a dick for not replying and tittle tattling to 'the girls'.

One less Christmas card?

PinkRoses1245 · 13/10/2023 11:12

Fine that you asked, but it is her right to say no, in which case she has to accept you can't go or can't go for very long. I personally can't imagine not having my friends there, for the sake of a baby. We had babies only at our wedding, no children, as I appreciate it's harder to leave babies generally.

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