AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

Now I'd also call her. How far away is the hen do.

Maybe say 'I need to talk to you about the hen do. I was planning to bring DH and DS and sneak up to feed him, but I now think that isn't a great idea, so I'm sorry I won't be able to attend'

I don't think she should be pissed off that that's what you're doing, but she will be, so why waste your time and money

Has she replied yet?

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I was going to ask if she had children, and then saw your message that she doesn't. She won't get it and she won't understand unless she has her own children.

At the end of the day, your baby is breastfed. You can't really attend if your baby can't come along.

I might've sent a softer message myself and made it a bit more friendly about it rather than factual. But she is being really unreasonable if she's actually annoyed about this.

If you do stay friends, I'd be tempted to be really petty and, if she ever has a baby then organise a massive party that she can't come to.

Your party, your rules.

Obviously I wouldn't do that, but I would want to.

I don't think you've done anything wrong by asking. You worded it fine, you gave her opportunity to turn you down and not feel bad about it. She's been nasty, not responding to you (a simple no would suffice) but still going around moaning about it to mutual friends (knowing it would get back to you, I presume!) rather than speaking to you directly - who does that??
I doubt she appreciates the effort you're going to for the hen night either by bringing husband and baby along to the hotel. I certainly wouldn't do it for her. She's clearly no friend.

I think it is fine to ask, maybe a phone call would have been better.
However I feel this part
‘If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’
is slightly passive aggressive especially, and we wish you all the best, as sounds like your upset and ending the friendship.

YANBU

but given her response I’d pull out of both events and accept that the friendship is probably over

I didn’t like the message either and wouldn’t have appreciated its tone. It reads like an ultimatum. You should have asked very casually, let her reply then made your decision.

Also, if your DH is going to miss the wedding by sitting in a room with the baby and bringing him to you to be fed, can you not still do that? We once spent a wedding taking turns to sit in the dark in a hotel room while the other had a quick dance and mingle downstairs.

Sounds like you've just killed off a drifting friendship tbh
Shes pissed if mentioning it others and your message was a bit much

Sounds like your lot are off of Shameless.

Maybe for white people. People from my background would never have an adults only wedding because none of our relatives would be able to make it.

YANBU.

I would not go.

Sorry I clicked the wrong button but YANBU!

Why is it such a big issue to clarify if kids includes EBF babies?! I took my 6 week old to a kids free wedding and checked in with the bride that’s ok - she said of course. How could you not bring your EBF baby to a wedding, it’s ludicrous.

It’s better to check than just turn up with baby, or just decline the invitation. She may not have realised you need to take the baby, or she may have assumed that of course you’d bring the baby.

It sounds like she’s just finding fault. I’d take a dim view of any “friend” who had that reaction to a simple clarification, particularly when it was couched in such generous “let me know what’s best for you” terms.

What happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt?!

Also 'bride will not see any of them" business.

Is she honestly going to get pissed off because you've dared to bend over backwards to make sure you can attend her hen do.

Honestly brides need to get over themselves.

Yes it's their one special day etc, but that doesn't give them the right to behave like their are some untouchable goddess.

I think it's fine not to want children at your wedding but tiny babies are different. If she goes on to have children I hope she's really embarrassed about it.

You're not even invited to the ceremony. I could kind of understand if she asked you missed the service.

Your message may not have been perfectly worded but it's a perfectly reasonable request for clarification , even if she wasn't aware of the breastfeeding thing, and deserves a response, even if it's a no.

Ignoring you because you had the audacity to ask is ludicrous and drama queen behaviour. .

Or maybe she's stressed, hasn't got round to replying and your other friend is causing trouble.

As for @Possimpible and the 'think they world revolves around your baby' ... actually at 4 months old it does, or at least your world does. If you value your friends you understand that.

That doesn't mean you have to have them at your wedding, but you shouldn't think women are spoilt selfish cows for putting their babies first.

Could you express in advance to leave a supply of milk with whoever is looking after your other children?

Due to numbers, we said no children at our wedding, and most guests preferred an excuse to have a day without the kids tbf, we only allowed children of immediate family, ie flower girl, page boy, and my maid of honour and sister both had 6 month olds.

A friend had a baby 2 weeks before our wedding and asked if he could come, of course this was okay, he was pretty much asleep the whole day anyway tbh. But a newborn and a 4 month old are quite different, if she changed the rule for you it may rub other guests up the wrong way. I think I would just decline the invite as it's only evening and so far away.

Above all else - a baby at an evening do with drinking and drunk people and waiters and waitress with hot food and loud music and speeches is not a good mix.

My view is - covid restrictions excepting - it is pretty awful not to allow babes in arms to a wedding. But I know this now I have two young kids of my own (both of whom are/ were exclusively breast fed). I did it for my own wedding (writing it on the invitation) because my mum advised me to (!). Am very glad she did too. I hope I would have done it anyway, but I did ask her about children coming.

I suspect if she doesn’t have children, your friend hasn’t thought very much about it and hasn’t quite realised how hard it would make it for you to attend. If she’s a mate though, can’t you just have a friendly word with her? I’d be apologetic in case your message overwhelmed her (is she very stressed about the wedding?) but explain the situation as you have here

good luck!

"...more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him..."
If you are doing this for the hen's night I expect she is expecting you to do this for the wedding.
If you are on mumsnet you would know that this is something that comes up regularly - your friend knows you have a baby - she has chosen not to invite the baby and you have now made it awkward.
She might be your oldest friend but I suspect you are not that close because you felt the need to explain to her your baby is exclusively breastfed. Besides, what happens with babies is the parents are thinking about their baby - not other's around them. Your friend might have friends with babies - saying yes to you when the other friends did not ask because they worked out babies are not invited adds a level of complications for her.

She's your best friend. If you want to go you need to arrange similar care for the baby as you have done for the hens do.
Can you not hire a baby sitter to your motel room for three hours? Have them phone when the baby needs feeding.

Why didn’t you call your friend or speak with her next week at the hen do? There’s no context in a message and so the tone of it is open to interpretation. You need to talk with your friend and start by acknowledging that your message was not the right thing to do and that you should have called in the first place.
Personally as someone who had a child free wedding a child running around at the evening would annoy me but a baby wouldn’t bother me at all.

Your friend should've just assumed you'd be bringing your baby. It's a testament to how normalised bottle feeding is that people assume you'll leave a 4 month old baby, to drive an hour to a wedding evening do. This is one of the insidious ways we don't support breastfeeding. She's one of your oldest friends, but she's only invited you to the evening and not the whole day? I'd be rethinking if I could be bothered to go to the hen do as well.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

If you can do this for the hen do, why can't you do something like this for the wedding?

Even if you didn't mean to manipulate her, your request sounds manipulative, like your pulling her arm and saying pretty please.

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

Clearly they are not. Geez, you didn't even read the OP.

No YANBU
You have realised children aren't invited but really child free weddings (while not my taste) are sboit not hav9young kids running around, and not having to feed or seat them....so it's perfectly reasonable to ask if a 4mo can come (or just bring them!)
And to not respond either way is rude

I find it odd that’s she’s your oldest friend yet she hasn’t replied to you but moaned to others and you haven’t asked her about it!
Give her a call and clear the air!

Your friend is unreasonable

Evening only - check
Child free - check
Expensive hen/stag - check
Not replying to RSVP queries - check
Sending 'unhappy' messages via third parties - check
Expecting a breast feeding mother to attend a child free evening only wedding and hotel hen do to boot - check