AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

I'm always bemused by the rigmarole invested in these fleeting social rituals. I mean, you have 3 children, but your husband is going to sit in a hotel room with your baby on hand just so you can attend the hen do of an 'oldest friend' you can't even talk to. Really? 🤷‍♀️

So what happens to the other 2 children,if the DH is at the hotel.
You just know they'll be there and wanting to go with the op.

I wouldn't being a 4 month old to an evening do,it's basically a piss up.
And it'll probably annoy the other guests who want a child free piss up.

There are lots of weird assumptions about women who don’t have children here!

For context - I had a child-free wedding, don’t have children and don’t plan to.

All that said, I had planned to make exceptions for small babies. I’d much rather have the people I want there and accept some potential crying than exclude friends or family from the wedding. It’s not even for the ceremony anyway. Ok, so she doesn’t want that? Still very rude not to reply and talk to others about it behind your back. She’s in her rights to say no, but not replying isn't ok. Doesn’t sound like a great friend.

Also, I think your message is fine. Makes the situation clear from the outset and she can decide based on the facts.

Evening invites where I'm from mean an invite to a function that has a small meal / finger food, alcohol flowing and lots of loud music.... Not the environment I would either want to bring a baby to or see a baby in!

It's a tough situation for everyone involved, as I can understand why you want to be at the wedding but can't leave a BF baby, and understand why the bride may have opted for a child free wedding. I think you were unreasonable to ask. Either accept or decline the invite.

I would also really not be impressed if my friend brought her baby and DH to my hen hotel tbh. In theory it will work good for you as you will get the best of both worlds but as a bride I wouldn't be happy which is awkward because, as above, I understand why you are doing it.

I guess if it were me I would decline both invites, knowing as a parent to a young baby sometimes there are just events you have to miss. (that sounds a bit "holier than you" but really didn't mean it like that). I'd have serious FOMO on the night but it is what it is. A good friend will understand!

I know, I am struggling to understand this 'is the baby invited' line too, because she clearly ISN'T included on the invite, nor are OP's other children.

TBH I wouldn't have been fit enough myself to go to a wedding 2 weeks after having had a c-section, but that aside - why is she no longer a friend just because she does what's best for her?

Is your baby’s name on the invitation? If not, your baby isn’t invited. This isn’t rocket science.

Sorry, not everyone wants children at their wedding, and I'm afraid that includes babies. The needs of the precious 'exclusively breastfed' (god I hate this smug martyred phrase) don't trump the bride's wishes on HER day. Weddings are adult occasions which may or may not include children - lovely if they do, but also totally reasonable if they don't. If you can't express and leave your 4 month old for a few hours, then you don't go. Or, you arrange someone to come with your baby and stay nearby, and you nip back and forth for feeds.

It's also not fair to ask her to make an exception for your child, even if you are very close friends, as it sets an unfair precedent. My sister-in-law didn't want children at her wedding, so my brother asked me to leave my two (his niece and nephew!) with a babysitter for the night. Fine, their choice, I complied. I was then seriously unimpressed on the day to find three other children running around who'd been told they could come 'as an exception'.

This happened to me. I’d had a c section and my baby was 2 weeks old & I couldn’t take him to my friends wedding. My dh sat in the car with him whilst I went. I soon realised that she was no friend to not allow my newborn at her wedding & we’re no longer friends. I wish I’d realised this beforehand!

In that case the answer is just to decline the invitation, as many people (parents or not) have to do for a whole host of reasons.

I understand OP not being able to leave her young baby, but I also understand that the couple have made it fairly clear the OPs children aren't invited by not including them on the invitation.

@Sayitaintso33

they are not always welcome no.

If I’d left my EBF baby for several hours not only would she have been hungry and distressed but my boobs would’ve leaked all over the place! That would have made the wedding photos less than perfect!

💯 agree

I wouldn’t distress my baby for this ‘friend’

This debate is really about discomfort.

The OP doesn't want to upset bride, Bride doesn't want OP to miss wedding, but both are annoyed that they have been made to feel uncomfortable about this.

OP shouldn't feel uncomfortable about not going, or asking about the baby.

Bride shouldn't feel uncomfortable and confirming that there's no babies. The fact that she is uncomfortable about this, is the problem and why she hasn't replied.

She is pissed off that her decision has caused discomfort or inconvenience for others and therefore her.

When I got married I had quite a strict no kids policy - it annoyed me at the time that people asked even though it was clear on the invitations, but I always responded saying sorry but no. There was one request from a cousin who had a two month old and at the time I said no because it felt like making the exception wasn’t fair on everyone else. I look back now I’m a mum and horrified I said no.

I see what you tried to do with your message and it’s a bit shitty of her to not respond because she could just say no so I don’t think YABU to ask.

I think you’re a good friend and mum. Paying for a hotel room and making sure baby is close by so you can be there on the hen and still look after your lo. I would really appreciate a friend going to this effort (and their partner!)

I also don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with your message. If she’d said no and then you’d have replied saying you could no longer go it would be worse imo and seem reactionary.

Trust your instincts, if she’s a good friend she will get it. She’s just snowed under with wedding stress probably

Absolute rubbish.
She's making no statements whatsoever on the well being of the baby, she's simply not inviting children and that is her choice. She's not forcing OP to come.

Can't you go to the evening do and leave DH at home with the children? You could express some milk. If the venue is an hour away you could go for a couple of hours?

YANBU. It’s ok to ask. She’s being a bridezilla by not responding. All she had to do was say no politely.

I wouldn’t go and I would also not send a present.

No I don’t think you are, the only thing may be that with a text message, and not asking in person, messages can be mis- interpreted.
she’s being rude for not replying, but frankly I think you need to call her and ask if your message offended her.
if she is going to be that ridiculous about a breastfed baby, then she’s not really a friend (I assume she doesn’t have children of her own yet?)

Agree. In being unhappy about this the bride is basically saying that she doesn’t care if her oldest friend’s baby is hungry and distressed, and it’s more important to have an Insta-perfect wedding. Shallow. And a bit heartless.

Your message was perfectly fine OP. I think it was fine to say about not coming, you should be able to be honest with your oldest friend.

I would brazen out the hen do if I were you. But if you’re getting an awkward vibe from the bride make an excuse and leave.

The bride has already clearly stated the couples preference by not including children on the invite.

I think it's reasonable to ask one of your oldest friends. Maybe might have been better to ask without the "can't come if you say no" bit.

I haven't noticed this, none of my friends were like this.

Well this is it in a nutshell really. 😂

So many people seem to think that they should be an exception these days. I missed out on loads of things when my dcs seemed to be permanently attached to me. That's life with babies and children.

Yes but people having weddings don’t see it like this. They complain that people don’t care about their special day because they haven’t found a way to make it so they can be at their wedding which is the most important thing.