AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

My God! People seem to be missing that brides are full grown adults and should be able to deal with a basic question!!

OP, sounds like you asked super politely and laid out your stall with her. YANBU. Leaving you on read is really unfair. You're right, if the event said "No Kids Please", then YWBU, but as it didn't, it was a very fair request. You even opened the door for her to say no easily.

If bride doesn't like it she ought to ring you and say so, not play games whispering about it to other friends. Or if she REALLY wants you there, work with you collaboratively to come up with a solution- thats what friends should do.

The only side note in brides favour would be if money is involved; if she's already paid for your meal or room or travel or something, then if you don't go you should 100% offer to pay it back.

If she didn't have the good grace to reply to me soon, I'd be dropping out of the hen do too... 😇

Maybe she does realise this? Maybe she's invited OP (only to the night part) because she feels she has to? Maybe they aren't actually that great friends anymore and/or bride has closer friends/family?

Exactly

All the child-free weddings I've been to, which is maybe 10-15, have had an exception for babies. Small babies can't be separated from their milk supply for long and it's not straightforward to get a babysitter suitable for a newborn.

If the bride herself is too daft to realize this, surely her mother or someone else would point it out to her?

I don’t think the way you worded it was that great tbh but if you were really just looking for clarification, fair enough

the thing I don’t get, and I see it a lot, is when people are annoyed that they can’t come to a wedding/event with their baby…

when I made the decision to have children I accepted that part of this was making sacrifices and sometimes not going to things I’d like to? I missed a cousins wedding in Italy and another big party… and it was fine. I would have liked to go but I couldn’t, and that was that. No fuss.

Part of being a parent

I don’t think You’ve been at all unreasonable.

You gave her the choice and you (and DH) are going massively out of your way to go to the hen.

I don’t think most childfree women do understand the difference between an exclusively breastfed baby and a child they can leave. There’s a massive difference.

If she continues to not reply, I’d just text and say “I’m sorry if I put you in an awkward position, it wasn’t the intention. We will have to decline the invitation and would love to celebrate your wedding with you another time”

Hardly a reach when you’ve said that the bride is lacking consideration for her guests because she’s chosen to have a childfree wedding.

That’s fine that it’s ’beyond you’. You aren’t required to understand, and no one needs to explain it to you. If you don’t like that some thing you’ve been invited to is childfree then by all means don’t go. No need to bitch about bridezillas having childfree weddings as if it’s egregious for someone to not have a wedding tailored to you.

I think that’s a massive reach. That’s not what I’m suggesting at all. In fact, if you read my post I said if you don’t want kids to come - just reply to say no she can’t come- don’t ignore her.

BUT I do judge people who make a drama out of this shite.

It’s a baby. One. How this could spoil the day/atmosphere/dynamic
is beyond me. I maintain that I have never in my life heard of anyone’s day been remotely affected by the presence is a very young baby. Lots of people have been upset by the absence of their ‘oldest friend’.

It sounds like OP is trying to find ways of being there for her friend rather than trying to get invited to the hottest night of the year!

Quite frankly, weddings are usually pretty dull. I tend to go because it’s someone I care about and I know they want to celebrate with their friends. But without that connection, it’s an expensive weekend, with a rather flat night out in the middle.

I think you should call her and apologise if your message made her feel under pressure. For what it's worth, I think your message was fine. You can't leave the baby behind (unless you leave with DH in hotel room again) and if you had replied that you couldn't come would have wanted to explain why and that might have looked like pressure. You were open with her and I would expect a similar response.

Ahaaa! I was wondering when the “you have no proven fertility and therefore no opinion” militants would arrive. And here they are! I’m sure the bride does know what a baby is, but you never know, eh?

OP, Mumsnet gets in a right froth over weddings; but in reality most weddings I’ve been to have been CF and those that could attend did gladly, and those that couldn’t didn’t. No drama. You were not being unreasonable to honestly point out your difficulties to your close friend, but she also wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no.

What I think would be unfair on her side would be if she is annoyed if you cannot attend. Would it be possible for you to have a similar set up as the hen do with your DH?

I think going to the hen night, staying completely sober, disappearing to the hotel to feed every 2 hours and taking your husband to the hen party is just a terrible idea for everyone including yourself especially given you haven't told the bride that you're going to have your DH there

Could you save the money you would spend on a hotel at the hen but do that at the wedding instead and at least you'd be there to celebrate her wedding with her

@Xandria22 have you spoken to bride yet ?

I know it's a small wedding but unless literally family I am surprised you didn't get an invite to wedding being her oldest friend

Text her if you prefer to get the right words and an apology for previous text (tho I wouldn't have an issue with someone aka a good friend sending that )

And say didn't mean to put her in a difficult position. And sue to bf baby need to decline wedding

But that you are really looking forward to catching up with her next week at her hen to celebrate

I expect she feels slightly awkward about the situation you've put her in. They've stipulated no children and you're kind of asking for a back door entry because of your recent birth. Possibly she hoped this third party would pass on the fact that she was miffed at your passive ultimatum.
I really don't think an evening reception is the place for small babies anyway. All that noise and drinking not really practical although pretty sure there are people who will say differently.
As for the hen night? The bride might well be keen to be THE centre of attention and not have one of her hens completely sober and disappearing throughout the evening to attend to other business.

For what it's worth I'd rack this one up to bad timing and make a plan to meet up at a later date especially as you don't see each other on a regular basis anyway.

It puts the bride in an awkward situation, now she has to say no to you. You should have respected no children were invited, including yours.

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask at all - a breastfed babe in arms is not the same as a child at a wedding.

She was unreasonable not to have responded to you to say she didn't want your baby there but to have complained to a mutual friend instead. If I was the mutual friend I wouldn't have passed her bitchiness onto you, but that's a different issue.

If you really want to go to the Hen, then go, but if you were going out of a sense of duty, then I think you can reasonably bow out now. You can say that you thought you'd be able to leave the baby but due to cluster feeding it won't be possible after all.

I’ve always thought not having kids at weddings was a bit miserable. Where else can 8 year olds dance with 80 year olds, everyone letting their hair down and having a great time? But each to their own, kids would be bored stiff at a black tie do so probably not appropriate.

I brought my baby to an evening wedding reception when he was only a few weeks old (very loud with smoking!). I was reminiscing with the bride and another of the guests just the other day (hadn’t seen them for a while but yes we’re still friends). It was a great night, great memories and the baby is now a strapping 17 year old who is a champion rower. I don’t think he’s deaf, although sometimes I do wonder …

Fair enough, just wondered why I was tagged.

Yep this. No children means no children. I imagine she talked to a mutual friend to share her frustrations about your message before finding the words to tell you her decision without pissing you off.

People are allowed to discuss things friends have done with other friends without it being called bitchy.

She's having a small wedding and so only invited some people to the evening. That is perfectly fine jn the real,world.

She's also probably aware that breastfed babies require being close to their source of food. After all it doesn't take childbirth to understand that and those people who say they didn't know before they had kids, well, I think that says more about you.

If you're only invited to the night time part of the wedding,I'd question how good a friend you are to her.
They're usually reserved for neighbours, workmates not close friend.

Who says she isn’t considering the needs of others as well as her own? Deciding to not invite children isn’t ’not considering the needs of others’. Inviting children is not the only way to cater to guests and make the event enjoyable for them, and if it is, and the event you’ve been invited to won’t be enjoyable for you for this reason - decline the invite! According to the logic you’re employing no one can actually have the event they want lest it not perfectly suit guests (who will obviously have all the same requirements for enjoyment?).

By ‘considering the needs of others’ what you mean is ‘considering the wants of certain parents to go, and take their children’, as if those are the only ones worthy of consideration.

@Warum I posted an apology 10 mins ago but autocorrect changed it to say Paola. My comment was for another poster.

MN really need to get edit functionality sorted.

OP does appear to be confused - the invite doesn't include her children, yet she's asking to bring one along.

What course of action are you referring to, which I absolutely suggested?

I can't see OP using the word confusion, you've just decided that the OP is about being confused 🤔

Also @notlucreziaborgia i think sexual desire and love came before marriage.

marriage was in part designed to police that. But that’s a whole other thesis.