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Original poster

To be devastated over their break-up

138 replies

Applie · 08/10/2023 14:28

This could be a little long as I feel context and background are important so I don’t look over involved and deranged.
I have 5 children, I had my eldest at 18, he’s now 25, my other 4 are 15, 11, 7 and 4.
Last year my husband of 22 years and the father to all my children passed suddenly, we had just moved to London for his work 3 months before, hundreds of miles from any family. The kids were in school, didn’t want to move and life insurance covered the mortgage so I decided to stay in London with the kids.
One of the biggest supports was my eldest son’s girlfriend, they’d been together a little over a year at the time, already lived in London. My son moved into the family home to provide support and just be with us as he was devastated and his girlfriend became part of the family. She is a lawyer, incredibly intelligent and just helped with so many little things. Giving me company on Wednesday evenings, she helped the kids with homework; really got my 15 year old to focus. My 15 year old hated school; had no ambition. Now she wants to go to uni, has predicted 6/7/8s in her GCSEs next year and is focused. My daughter didn’t think it was cool to be studious until she met my son’s girlfriend and she really looked up to her. She also just took little things off my plate, nipping to the shop when we ran out of milk or helping on the weekends where all the younger kids seemed to have activities at different sides of the city; she’d come and take one to football or dance or a birthday party, my son would take one and I’d take one.
On Friday my son told me that they have broken up, it was mutual, they have different futures in mind (he wants to marry and settle and have kids soon, she feels like she wants to travel and have fun and maybe live abroad for a bit first). He’s devastated but agreed that ultimately they just aren’t in the same place anymore.
It was my nieces wedding yesterday and they decided they were both still going to go, he didn’t want her money on an outfit to be wasted and she didn’t want the couple to have paid for someone to go to their wedding who didn’t show. She spent most of the night with the kids. My son spent more with me and told me how he is heartbroken. Was a little bit away so we stayed in a hotel, she brought two of the kids back in her car to save the awkwardness of a 2 hour drive with the ex. Now she’s just come in and got her stuff from my son’s room and left. She’s told me to call her anytime and we will meet for a coffee soon. They’ve both said that hopefully in the future they can be friends but right now they need to focus on themselves.
Im now sat in the front room crying my eyes out!! My 15 year old has joked that you’d think it was me who has been broken up with and she’s not wrong!! I don’t know why I’m so upset.
Please knock some sense into me, am I being unreasonable to be this upset!! I think I’m more upset than my son right now !!

OP posts:
greengreengrass25 · 08/10/2023 15:23

Also hurts when they treat your dc badly.

I think for me it was because I went into my 40s and my own marriage seemed difficult and dull at the time and I became very invested itms.

It's like seasons in life and these things pass

Mamai90 · 08/10/2023 15:21

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HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 08/10/2023 15:21

Totally ridiculous for her to have gone to the wedding imo

If she hadn't gone, people would have been asking where she was. OP and her family would have had to lie - not advisable when there are young children who might let the truth slip out - or say they had split up, which isn't really news you want to be telling at a wedding, and would have drawn attention to DS that he probably didn't want.

Vinrouge4 · 08/10/2023 15:19

I understand completely. I think we become quite invested in our children’s partners. Especially the first ones. I remember my mum crying her eyes out when my sister finished with her first boyfriend. He had become part of the family.

Vinrouge4 · 08/10/2023 15:16

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 14:38

Pull yourself together and be there for your son! He needs you to be in mum mode right now. Totally ridiculous for her to have gone to the wedding imo

Blimey what a mean person you sound. Have you no empathy? This woman is only recently a widow and probably more vulnerable than most.

Original poster
Applie · 08/10/2023 15:04

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 14:38

Pull yourself together and be there for your son! He needs you to be in mum mode right now. Totally ridiculous for her to have gone to the wedding imo

Why ridiculous? She wanted to, he wanted her to, better than a wasted invite.

OP posts:
greengreengrass25 · 08/10/2023 14:51

So sorry OP

I understand perfectly what it feels like,. I never understood why I was like this with ED in the past and her relationships

AWIAANGAF · 08/10/2023 14:48

She sounds like a MILs dream DIL, so I think how you feel is completely natural. It sounds like she was a big part of your family and very much loved. I imagine it must feel a bit like when an adult Child leaves home as she has become a big part of your family, but in this case you know she unlikely to be a big part of your life in the future. Your sadness is justified. I think you should try and keep it from your son though, because the loss is his. You will end up making him feel worse if he knows how upset you feel.

CesareBorgia · 08/10/2023 14:43

You are still grieving for your husband, and this must feel like the last straw. Try to see the positives of it being an amicable split, for very sensible, mature reasons on both their behalves. This bodes well for your son's prospects of having a successful long-term relationship with an equally decent partner in the future Flowers

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 14:38

Pull yourself together and be there for your son! He needs you to be in mum mode right now. Totally ridiculous for her to have gone to the wedding imo

TheresaBouvey · 08/10/2023 14:35

I am so sorry for your loss, losing your husband like that is devastating and you will need to be very kind to yourself and give yourself time and space to heal.

This lovely girl came into all your lives as a saviour and she sounds generous and amazing.

However she is a young woman with her own life ahead of her and has probably made the right decision here.

Nobody can have do many people leaning on them without affecting their own mental health

So from an objective point of view she made the right decision

Can you try and be grateful for having had her in your life and how she helped you all did the last few months/year and feel that gratitude about what she has given (which is a lot)

I hope she, and you and your family are ok and ready to keep moving on to the next stage , one little step at a time

Sending lots of strength and hopeful posit vibes your way

caringcarer · 08/10/2023 14:34

You're upset because your son's exgf sounds wonderful. She had also kindly supported you through a really difficult time in your life, helped get your DD working hard in school and you probably had hoped one day she would be your DiL. My son's gf is very much like your DS's ex and I love her to bits. I still think my son lucked out in she choosing to go out with him. I'd be really upset if they broke up because she's like a DD to me. Wait a week then arrange to meet up for coffee with her. Just don't discuss your DS, her ex.

WhateverMate · 08/10/2023 14:32

I've got 3 boys and we always get a bit upset when a long term relationship has ended, I think it's natural?

I wouldn't be crying in front of your other kids about it though.

That'll put pressure on them when they get into relationships themselves.