To be devastated over their break-up

I really don't think that's a good idea. For her son's sake and for any future partner he may have's sake.

Break ups in 20s are common and a parents role at that age is to be loyal to their child and support them if needed. Not try and string it out. Clean break.

My story is very similar.
She was my son’s first girl friend.
she did not have a mum and she and I developed a lovely friendship.
She lived with us for four years but had to return to her own country once her education here was over.
Unfortunately it did not work long term with my son and they went their separate ways.
It did not seem wise to continue the friendship, she needed a clean break, to forge her own way in life.
I often think of her and wish her well.
If only…..

It sounds like she became a big part of your life when you lost your husband. Maybe some how your grief for him eased because she helped you. Now she has gone your grieving for that. Maybe it’s related to your husband too. Sending a hug. Maybe therapy around loss could help?

My mum is still friends with my DBro's high school girlfriend! You can definitely still have a friendship with her independently of your son - just don't talk about your son or their relationship and over time that will mellow and fade into the background of your real friendship.

You need to get a grip. These two grown up people have their own lives to live and you need to let them get on with it. It probably made things worse them both going to the wedding. But you got fond of her and she became part of the family and now she isn't. I agree that you are at a low point so this is extra hard for you.

She sounds really lovely.

She suggested coffee so I think you should follow that up.

It may be that you can continue a relationship with her of your own. I’m sure she would be flattered that you like her for herself and not just because she was your sons GF.

It may be that the relationship with her doesn’t last a long time, but if so it will probably slowly fade which will be easier to manage.

Although your son is upset, as it’s a mutual decision I see nothing wrong with keeping in touch with her.

Im still in touch with one of my DD’s school friends independently from my Dd. It’s been 10 years since they left school.

I get it OP, it’s another loss it will get easier.

You put a lot on the ex gf - you do realise she was dating your son and it your family.

Support your son and next time back off a lot and let them be a couple. Who knows if she really wanted to help your family or did it because she felt too awkward to say no

I'm not surprised you are upset. She sounds wonderful. Your oldest son sounds like a fine man too.

But I agree with the other posters who say your son will be feeling even worse and your other children will be missing her too, so you're going to have to dig deep and be their support.

I'm sorry that you've all had such a hard time of it recently.

Condolences, Op. I’m sorry you’re going through this. How awful. About your son’s gf….she is selfless and wonderful, that is clear. I might be wrong, but I wonder if she was beginning to feel stretched and was taking on a lot of responsibility, willingly and selflessly out of true caring, but needed to step back just a bit and travel and be young and carefree again just for a little while. Because of all the stepping up she’s done. Overwhelmed. But your son was still set on marrying, having children sooner rather then a little later, a lot of responsibility straight off the back of her doing so much for his siblings and for his mother, she saw that he would not ever be putting her first in a marriage and that her future might be too much, having children, helping take care of your children. It’s too much too soon. Even though she cares deeply. She may feel used up and needs a short break. But bf wouldn’t bend.

I could be getting this very wrong, but it is what came to my mind while reading your posts.

She sounds great it’s no surprise you miss her.

Totally understand this. Losing her support and friendship now is akin to thd loss of your husband again as you are now alone. I am so so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to grieve and take your time. All the posters who are being hard on you have no idea what it is like to lose your husband/ partner suddenly and how hard it is to suddenly be the only parent. And this girl helped you immensely. Don’t be hard on yourself, support your son who has lost his dad and girlfriend and be kind to the whole family. Wish I could give you a big hug.

It's about being the loving caring mum that you are OP. If we're lucky enough for our adult children to involve us in their lives, then this is inevitable - as is the pain of watching them match up with a wrong un.

This will pass - just support your son and your other children and hope that his next relationship is with someone as lovely as she sounds.

Same happened with us, although DS was 21 and gf was 18. We were devastated when they split up, I actually cried doing the first shopping trip after as I went to buy all the things she liked. She wanted to keep in touch, but in reality it wasn’t possible, as she went off to university. We’ve bumped into her a few times and it’s really nice to talk to her and hear how her life is, but we do miss her still after 5 years. DS has another gf, but it took him a while before he would commit to anyone, she is very nice.

When my dd1 told her dh to leave, I surprised myself by how upset and shocked I was. He was not perfect at all, but they had been together 11 years and we rubbed along nicely. He was always willing to help out where he could.

But looking back, they should not have married. My dd wanted a wedding not a marriage and it was doomed from the get go. She treated him so awfully I felt ashamed. But now I realise it was the best for both of them. She wanted to live a single life. He wanted a family life.

I just think you are at a low point op, unsurprisingly, and this has given you a shock and is a body blow. Your DS is upset and you have lost someone who you are fond of and who has been a kind support at a difficult time. I hope you are okay.

I don't think you're unreasonable for being upset. It sounds like you were very attached to her and she was almost a part of your family.

Gosh, I can appreciate that this is really hard for you. However, I don’t think you should meet her for a coffee just yet, as you need to break up with her too and let some time pass.

As a previous poster said, you need to be there for your son at the moment. It’s his first love and he didn’t instigate the break-up so with the recent loss of his dad, it’s going to be very hard on him without feeling responsible for your feelings too and feel like he’s letting you down. Can you try other avenues for support so that you can be strong for him? I appreciate this must be very tough on you after everything you’ve been through.

My DH was widowed when we met and I’m close to my DSC. When the oldest broke up with his girlfriend, I felt incredibly upset but hid it. They’d met as teens and she moved with him when he went to University, so were together for several years. I was even friends with her mum! Again, I think the split was fairly mutual as they started to enjoy different interests and want different things from life. I missed her company a lot in the early days too.

However, the tricky part is when they meet someone new. I love my new DIL (they’ve been married for over 10 years now) but she’s a very different personality type to his previous girlfriend. She’s very independent and career oriented and we don’t have the same sort of close relationship I had with his ex. She doesn’t have a close relationship with her mum either, so I try to be mindful of that and not be too intrusive. It’s his life, not mine and he needs to do what’s best for him.

I’d be the same OP. We let these people into our lives and love them like our own. If my son was heartbroken then I’d take all that on and be devastated myself. When my oldest son split from a gf of 4 years it felt like a little daughter had been ripped away from me. He made the right decision but it didn’t seem like that to me at the time. I missed her for years and we are still in touch even tho she is happily settled now. As the saying goes: we are only as happy as our unhappiest child. All will come right in the end. It has for us now x

Oh gosh, your hurt comes through in your post. I am so sorry for your loss.

She sounds like an amazing person and she slipped into the DIL role perhaps more quickly than she would have otherwise after your husband died. You had a relationship with her independent of your son, so it’s natural to grieve. She also presumably made your son really happy!

Are you having any therapy?

My boyfriend is very supportive and we’re involved in each other’s family lives. I think our parents would be sad for us if we split up.

Forget DS for a moment.

You moved house and home across country then your husband died suddenly. In comes this woman who is company, who helps you, who gets on with the kids, who pops to the shops and shares a glass of wine with you and helps tidy up. Now she's announced she's leaving and there's nothing you can do to stop her.
Forget the lack of romantic or sexual feelings. It's still a break up of sorts on top of the grief for your husband.

Just try and be kind to yourself but try and move this grief away from your kids and process it somewhere safer. They'll also feel the loss

This might just be 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. You've been through so much, and you have a lot on your plate. Go easy on yourself, YANBU.

Fair point just seems cruel to her to have gone tbh. Hopefully she stayed out of all the photos.

I could have written your post op. My 26yr old dd broke up with her fiancé earlier this year and I still feel sad about it. They wanted different things and he has already met someone else and is due to be a dad next year. He was kind, well mannered and I felt had a calming influence on my dd (who can be a bit volatile) but she was very unhappy towards the end of their relationship. I wish things had worked out, but I also accept that she wasn’t happy and it would not have been fair to either of them to carry things on.
I am trying to just be there for dd, to listen when she wants to talk and not to make judgements on any new partners she may bring into her life and I wish the former fiancée all the very best. However, I do feel sad about what might have been.

I'm not meaning to sound unsympathetic but her son's breakup isn't about her. It sounds like the girlfriend got far too intertwined with the family life and yes I'm sure she was a great support and lovely but I think OP has got overly attached. I appreciate OP is widowed and for that she has my every sympathy. She asked if she was being unreasonable and yes I think she is.