To be devastated over their break-up

You're not being unreasonable at all. Go ahead and grieve all you want! This break-up affected you too. Of course you developed a relationship with her when she was living in your house and being so great.

Unfortunately, British people do tend to focus less on education and do tend to get into serious relationships and have children sooner than do people in much of western Europe. It's a pity your son can't find a goal to work towards before settling down and having kids.

As you yourself and another commenter have already said, this young woman is intelligent and engaged. Of course she wants to have adventures before settling down into a life of care. It sounds like she has had a lot of responsibility and does need a break.

Many people here are being weirdly cruel. Your son and his girlfriend clearly love and care about you and the rest of the family and did what they could to help out when you needed it. It was your son's father who died as well as your husband, so it wasn't at all a sacrifice or inappropriate on his part to get involved and of course any decent girlfriend/boyfriend in that situation would help out too. What they're dealing with now is about them.

If she grew up in Switzerland (where I've also lived), she'll think it's completely normal to stay in touch with you. Don't worry. You can continue encouraging your kids like she did and staying informed about her life.

I think you can still be friends without it affecting anyone if you avoid talking about your son or her to him.

OP I can understand why you feel the way you do but you need to take a step back and not make their break up about you.

They are both quite young and they want different things right now. They both sound lovely and like they have a lot of respect and affection for each other despite their breakup.

Maybe they'll get back together, maybe they won't, but it sounds like they've both set the bar high for future relationships.

If I were the bride I would have wanted to know and said yes sure still come or hmm maybe not. The bride may never see her again now.

I don't have any advice but I was really touched by your post and didn't want to read and run.

I'm so sorry for what your family has been through. It is totally understandable how you are feeling. You are absolutely allowed to feel that way, like you say, she was part of the family. She sounds like the angel you needed at a very difficult time. I suppose I would try and reflect on the lasting positive impact she's had on the family and give yourself time 💓. Big hugs to you.

I personally feel its unfair on the neice who invited her as your son's girlfriend. Yes they had a lovely time but now presumably she's going to find out they were split up. If she'd been told discreetly, we've split up but exgirlfriend would love to come and will make sure to stay out of "family photos" then fine.

You have my sympathy - totally understandable especially when she’s been such a star.

Same thing happened to me after five years; she’d lived with us, gone on holiday, was really part of the family. I wanted to keep in touch but my son asked me not to. He felt it would be too hard for him and I had to respect that.

Respect your son’s feelings and maybe postpone the meetups. Some distance may be the best thing. Also there will be other girlfriends and it’s not fair on them.

It sounds like she was your support system after your husband passed away (I'm very sorry about that btw)

So it probably feels like another bereavement right now. It will get easier though

She sounds lovely and you can still keep up your friendship, independently of her relationship with your son. You don't have to dump each other! But it's time to step back a bit, she's a young woman with her own life ahead of her - she can't be your support, that's not fair. Meet once in a while for lunch/coffee and a catch-up - be glad that she came into your life when you most needed someone - but give her space to step back and be an ordinary friend.

I recently burst out crying when I heard my db's ex has got engaged. I'm thrilled for her- a nicer person you couldn't meet. I wish her so much happiness. I didn't realise how much I was hoping they'd get back together though. What an eejit.

My DM also informed me fairly early on in my relationship with DH that she'd seriously consider keeping him in a break up so I might want to consider just getting married to save upset all round 😂😂😂

It's awful for them. Probably a matter of timing. He's in a different place now with his role in the family. But it will all sort itself out.

Yes I do think people shouldn't go to a wedding if it makes the day better for everyone! Yes they can have amicable breakups but she's moving on and wanting to focus on different parts of her life. Let her go. And yes she can be sad but it's important not to show the kids that if they split up with a partner their mum might be devastated.

Agreed. She should not have gone to the wedding.

You are not being unreasonable at all, OP. You feel like you have lost another person on top of your DH. It probably all feels too much at the moment. Hopefully, you can still remain friends but you need to give yourself a break and feel what you want to feel. I would be careful about showing it too much around your son, though, he might need a bit more support from you right now.

You know what it sounds like, Op? Both your son and his girlfriend feel a lot of responsibility toward their parents. Your son knows you need him and perhaps his gf feels she needs to spend time with her own parent in Switzerland, and also to travel a bit before settling down. She has seen firsthand how overwhelming it can all feel, and needs a short break before getting married and having children right away. I feel your son should bend a little, she’s done far more for him and his family than anyone in her position would be expected to do. She may feel the need to be with her own family for a bit. That is more than fair.

Wow, I’ve just read your other posts on OPs thread.
You think a long term girlfriend offering support to a bereaved family is wrong, and people shouldn’t go to a wedding if it makes the day better for everyone? That people can’t have amicable breakups?
How is it bad to know your mum likes your brothers partner and sad if that doesn’t work out because they helped out after dad died? That it’s not okay to know adults are sad after death?

okay. I’m glad you’re not my mum.

She sounds like a fabulous young lady.

You could stay in touch? My mum is still in touch with one of my brothers ex girlfriends (he’s now happily married to someone else) and she went to her wedding and sees her several times a year.

Aaw I am so sorry to hear about this - of course it would be totally natural to feel the way you do

So not being unreasonable - if its any concellation I am going to the wedding of my friends who did exactly the same thing next week and for similar reasons with my friend moving to Australia. The breakup lasted a year with both more or less single. All 30 odd now and they've been together ever since. Focus on your son if you can, I'm sure it'll all work out no matter what happens x

I was so upset when my daughter finished it with her lovely boyfriend. He just fitted into our family like another son and I know he was upset that he wouldn’t see us all again. It’s then been hard to like her other boyfriends as much as I don’t want to get too invested again.

I think its really cruel to the kids actually- it will put so much pressure on their future relationships

I think you will be surprised, for a few years, how each new loss makes you feel - people, pets, jobs etc. I don't think you will have fully grieved for your husband and maybe kept a lid on your emotions to shield your children?

So be sad for your DS and the friend you have lost but don't push yourself onto her too much. Keep in touch but let her instigate meeting up. Try not to cry too much in front of your children, your DS may think he can't tell you how he is feeling if it is going to upset you. If you haven't already perhaps look for some grief counselling

People are being a bit mean along don’t cry and pull yourself together.
You’re still grieving and this person helped you incredibly so, and now she’s gone your grief is hitting you again smack in the face for everything.
I don’t agree with not letting your children see you upset. Learning it’s okay ti cry and others adults cry is actually healthy.