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Original poster

To be devastated over their break-up

138 replies

Applie · 08/10/2023 14:28

This could be a little long as I feel context and background are important so I don’t look over involved and deranged.
I have 5 children, I had my eldest at 18, he’s now 25, my other 4 are 15, 11, 7 and 4.
Last year my husband of 22 years and the father to all my children passed suddenly, we had just moved to London for his work 3 months before, hundreds of miles from any family. The kids were in school, didn’t want to move and life insurance covered the mortgage so I decided to stay in London with the kids.
One of the biggest supports was my eldest son’s girlfriend, they’d been together a little over a year at the time, already lived in London. My son moved into the family home to provide support and just be with us as he was devastated and his girlfriend became part of the family. She is a lawyer, incredibly intelligent and just helped with so many little things. Giving me company on Wednesday evenings, she helped the kids with homework; really got my 15 year old to focus. My 15 year old hated school; had no ambition. Now she wants to go to uni, has predicted 6/7/8s in her GCSEs next year and is focused. My daughter didn’t think it was cool to be studious until she met my son’s girlfriend and she really looked up to her. She also just took little things off my plate, nipping to the shop when we ran out of milk or helping on the weekends where all the younger kids seemed to have activities at different sides of the city; she’d come and take one to football or dance or a birthday party, my son would take one and I’d take one.
On Friday my son told me that they have broken up, it was mutual, they have different futures in mind (he wants to marry and settle and have kids soon, she feels like she wants to travel and have fun and maybe live abroad for a bit first). He’s devastated but agreed that ultimately they just aren’t in the same place anymore.
It was my nieces wedding yesterday and they decided they were both still going to go, he didn’t want her money on an outfit to be wasted and she didn’t want the couple to have paid for someone to go to their wedding who didn’t show. She spent most of the night with the kids. My son spent more with me and told me how he is heartbroken. Was a little bit away so we stayed in a hotel, she brought two of the kids back in her car to save the awkwardness of a 2 hour drive with the ex. Now she’s just come in and got her stuff from my son’s room and left. She’s told me to call her anytime and we will meet for a coffee soon. They’ve both said that hopefully in the future they can be friends but right now they need to focus on themselves.
Im now sat in the front room crying my eyes out!! My 15 year old has joked that you’d think it was me who has been broken up with and she’s not wrong!! I don’t know why I’m so upset.
Please knock some sense into me, am I being unreasonable to be this upset!! I think I’m more upset than my son right now !!

OP posts:
fuckssaaaaake · 08/10/2023 20:33

Can't believe some people on here would be so cruel to a woman who lost her husband last year. Go and have a think about how you can be nicer

Antst · 08/10/2023 20:20

I don't understand why so many people are making the OP's feelings for the girlfriend about grief for the husband. I'm sure that the husband's loss is playing a part in the grief, but it is perfectly valid that the OP developed strong feelings towards a young woman who lived with her and behaved like a daughter-in-law.

OP, your feelings are normal and valid. Don't feel weird about grieving this situation.

IheartNiles · 08/10/2023 20:18

SpaceXStarship · 08/10/2023 18:46

I don’t think you should continue a friendship with her OP in all honesty. It will not make it easy for your son to find a new partner. No one will ever match up to the wonderful girl who helped you when your husband died and to any new partner that’s impossible to live up to. Detach yourself even though it’s hard.

I dunno.

I think it’s possible for Op to remain friendly. MIL is still close to DHs brothers ex and they split up over 20 years ago! She has her over all the time. DHs brother is fine with it and it’s not affected his subsequent relationship.

I think the trick to it is to start to see her as your friend and not DSs ex. Don’t cling to her and don’t talk about DS in any depth or betray either party’s confidence. Just see her socially from time to time and a friendship may be possible.

LizzyLongbow · 08/10/2023 20:07

It's possible that much of what you're feeling is delayed grief for your DH. The mind works in peculiar ways. Best wishes OP.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/10/2023 19:59

Viques you are so right in what you said, and said it in a way so easy to understand..sorry I wrote an essay.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/10/2023 19:57

ArtandMusic you really are missing the whole point of it all. When you lose a loved one as in her husband passing ok, you are grieving and the loss of this woman's friendship and support brings back all the loss of losing her husband and grieving is very complicated and you think you are doing fine and then wham something happens that normally in normal circumstances you are fine with but with a person grieving it brings you back to the loss and the pain and she is overwhelmed at the moment. Some people have no compassion/empathy or understanding at all.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/10/2023 19:52

Just wanted to say I understand as she was a big support in your life and your children's life and a good friend to you. Give it a few weeks and then text her ask does she want a coffee but as others have said do not mention your son unless she asks. Please be kind to yourself and also this could also be related to the passing of your husband as it is another loss and it has brought it all back to you. If you feel you need to it may be a good idea to have some kind of bereavement counselling as it would do you good to talk and also see what supports are out there for you and your children. Sending big hugs and ignore the people who post who are meanies, always a few.

viques · 08/10/2023 19:51

ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 18:34

Really? The woman is very much alive and well. Probably sad from her break up but it sounds like she has exciting plans for the future. Anyone comparing it to a bereavement really needs to think more.

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Gosh, Thankyou for that unsolicited advice. When you have had a recent bereavement it doesn’t take much to trigger similar feelings of loss.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/10/2023 19:45

It's so sad that she's not going to be your daughter in law (not at the moment anyway- it's very likely she will want to come back and settle down with a nice bit like him in a couple of years if he's still single!) but what a wonderfully mature and thoughtful break up that's an example to all your kids

CowboysAndCowgirls · 08/10/2023 18:55

Devastated is a strong term. But to say that a woman who you've only known for a couple of years because she's dating your son, is like your daughter, is madness.

She's making it all about her so no, she won't be supporting her son whilst crying for a woman she's known hardly any time at all.

I have to agree with this. She wasn't your daughter OP. She was someone who helped your family through a very difficult time but if you continue like this, you're going to make it very difficult for yourself son to move on. This is your sons heartbreak, not yours.

No one your son dates will ever match up because you're putting her on a pedestal. She just happened to be the woman your son was with at that time and it's making you think more of her than you otherwise would have. Very unfair on your son and his future relationships. He might be with someone else by next week so you need to get yourself together.

xyz111 · 08/10/2023 18:47

It's normal to feel upset. When me and ex DH split, I was most upset about losing contact with his mum as she was like a mum to be. Over time, you'll move on. I wouldn't meet up with her though without checking with your DS first if he's happy with it.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/10/2023 18:46

ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 18:34

Really? The woman is very much alive and well. Probably sad from her break up but it sounds like she has exciting plans for the future. Anyone comparing it to a bereavement really needs to think more.

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No they don’t - it can be exactly like another bereavement because the OP is still grieving. It’s triggering. If the OP has struggled with her own grief then this kind of emotional upheaval can trigger complex grief. Anyone who has lost a life partner and has had grief counselling will understand this.

SpaceXStarship · 08/10/2023 18:46

I don’t think you should continue a friendship with her OP in all honesty. It will not make it easy for your son to find a new partner. No one will ever match up to the wonderful girl who helped you when your husband died and to any new partner that’s impossible to live up to. Detach yourself even though it’s hard.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/10/2023 18:43

ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 18:27

Its entirely possible for the OP to feel devastated by the loss of her own relationship with this woman AND support her son. In fact, as a widow with 5 children I'd imagine her experience of supporting her children while devastated herself is second to none.

Devastated is a strong term. But to say that a woman who you've only known for a couple of years because she's dating your son, is like your daughter, is madness.

She's making it all about her so no, she won't be supporting her son whilst crying for a woman she's known hardly any time at all.

FFS this woman bonded with the gf after being suddenly widowed. And yes, devastated is a strong term, but entirely appropriate here. Grief comes in stages and it’s very possible that the loss of the relationship with this girl has triggered complex grief. She’s not ‘making it all about her’ she’s grieving and this is part and parcel of the process - it certainly doesn’t mean she can’t support her son.

DrNo007 · 08/10/2023 18:35

Your feelings are totally understandable. I once broke up with a man who I didn't miss at all but I did painfully miss his wonderful little 5-yr-old son, who I'd fallen completely "in love" with. Cried my eyes out. But regarding this wonderful woman, do grieve her absence when you are away from your children and in a little while, get in touch with her and meet up for a coffee.

ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 18:34

viques · 08/10/2023 18:28

I am so sorry you are missing her so much, in some ways it must be like another bereavement, and you are the one left to pick up the pieces again.

Really? The woman is very much alive and well. Probably sad from her break up but it sounds like she has exciting plans for the future. Anyone comparing it to a bereavement really needs to think more.

Paddingtonthebear · 08/10/2023 18:33

A loss triggers a loss. Doesn’t always need to mean another bereavement. It’s a well know grief trigger. Be kind to yourself x

JaffaCake70 · 08/10/2023 18:31

When my Son (at the time 20 years old) and his then girlfriend broke up I was very upset. She had been part of the family for 2 years, attended family occasions (my Sister's wedding for example) and was more or less a permanent fixture in my home. She would sit and chat with me, bring little gifts (crystals and suchlike) and wash dishes etc without being asked.

She was a lovely girl, but they weren't getting on and it was inevitable they would split.

I think I enjoyed having her around as I have no Daughters of my own. It was nice to have another female around, if she bought something new she'd be excited to show me, or if she was dressed up to go out she'd come in and show me what she was wearing etc.

I missed her a lot when they broke up.

She has another boyfriend now and my Son has a lovely new girlfriend. I've moved away from the area she lives in and haven't seen her or heard from her for a couple of years.

I think it's perfectly normal to miss someone who has been like a part of your family. It's ok to feel sad about it 💐

HuwEdwardsBottom · 08/10/2023 18:29

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Butterkist8 · 08/10/2023 18:29

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 14:38

Pull yourself together and be there for your son! He needs you to be in mum mode right now. Totally ridiculous for her to have gone to the wedding imo

You sound nice!

viques · 08/10/2023 18:28

I am so sorry you are missing her so much, in some ways it must be like another bereavement, and you are the one left to pick up the pieces again.

ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 18:27

Its entirely possible for the OP to feel devastated by the loss of her own relationship with this woman AND support her son. In fact, as a widow with 5 children I'd imagine her experience of supporting her children while devastated herself is second to none.

Devastated is a strong term. But to say that a woman who you've only known for a couple of years because she's dating your son, is like your daughter, is madness.

She's making it all about her so no, she won't be supporting her son whilst crying for a woman she's known hardly any time at all.

stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 08/10/2023 18:21

Bonding with your daughter in law is a genuinely good idea for a number of reasons. The problem (as you have no doubt deduced) is that your emotions ran a bit ahead or reality.

5128gap · 08/10/2023 18:20

ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 18:08

I really do wish her all the best but I’m heartbroken to be losing what is effectively a daughter.

Bloody hell. That's way OTT.

Support your son.

Its entirely possible for the OP to feel devastated by the loss of her own relationship with this woman AND support her son. In fact, as a widow with 5 children I'd imagine her experience of supporting her children while devastated herself is second to none.

Batalax · 08/10/2023 18:13

I remember being devastated when my brother broke up with his wife. She had been part of our family and was much loved. You do go through a type of grieving process for your lost relationship. Your situation is worse because of your bereavement and her being such an important element of your rebuilding your lives.
Unfortunately you’ll just have to wait for time to heal. It’s hard. At the end of the day your priority is your ds and it really does sound as if they’ve made a mature decision.