To be devastated over their break-up

@NewToThis77 haha to believe it's been over 2 years since @Applie posted this - I remember it well as it chimed with my experience and feeling when my 21yo daughter split to with her bf of nearly 4 years (this was 10 years ago BTW). It was initiated by my DD but she was hoping through some health problems (mental and physical) that were only just emerging at the time (she was later hospitalised for 6 months) so quite a different situation BUT I can say that they stayed in touch and there is still a deep affection and friendship there which I have always admired them both for. They are both in new stable relationships and have met up as couples several times - my DD has 2 young children and he is married. We, as a family, are still very good friends with the family of the ex-bf (who were like and still think a lot of). With hindsight I can see that they would probably not have worked out as a couple (who can say for sure - that's just my assessment) but fundamentally my DD wants to lock down her security in life while her ex seems to float through life happily without any plans and I think that fundamental difference is why I don't think it would have worked out - 10 years on they are still financially different and I can't see how either could change their approach to life. There is still a lot of positives though - I was very sad they broke up at the time. Having said this, I think it's a shame your son couldn't embrace all the upsides of agreeing to go along with his ex-gf's ideas. In my long long relationship part of what makes it work (I think) is helping to make your partner's dreams come true - supporting and encouraging. The second thing is that don't things together before build a shared history, shared memories, shared decision making, facing and sharing the ups and down together - it could have helped build a solid platform for their future - it's a shame he was so short sighted about this - it sounds like she could have brought a lot into your son's life. It's not surprising though, I think your background shapes your appetite for embracing life and risk and perhaps this explains their different outlook. I'd be interested to hear how things have worked out - in my case, I think things worked out for the best for both of them.

@Applie I know this thread is 2.5 years old, but I just wanted to thank you for asking the question and opening the conversation. My adult son's long-term (3.5 years, living together for the last 2.5, talking about getting married & having kids) gf just broke up with him and I'm really struggling with the unexpected strength of the feelings of sadness (which I know I have to process somehow, because the priority is clearly supporting him). Leaving aside the inevitable unthinking responses, there was a lot in your situation and in the responders' posts that I found really helpful. No idea if you'll even see this as I've not been on MN in YEARS, but I just think it's important to tell people when they've made a difference, however small or random (and I couldn't figure out how to DM you!). I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope you and your family are in a much better place now.

The OP is still grieving and the break up has clearly triggered her. And nothing in any of her posts suggests that she is not supporting her son. The OP posted on Sunday. The break up happened on Friday - only two days earlier. Given that this girl was of enormous support and the OP bonded with her through her grief, I’d say it’s entirely normal that the OP is still shocked and saddened by the break up and is thinking of the impact it will have on her own relationship with her, independent of her son. She’s also clearly saddened by the loss of her hopes for their future together. It’s not mind blowing. It’s normal.

Nowhere in the OP’s posts does it say that the gf moved in with them. She says her son moved in, and the gf became part of the family. There’s nothing to suggest that the gf was living there or ‘running the household’. And there’s also nothing to suggest the OP isn’t supporting her son. She posted looking for a bit of support for herself because she’s clearly struggling with grief, which has been triggered again by the break up.

I would let her know she's been an amazing help and that you're there for her anytime she needs it returned. What a wonderful person. Your sons next partner will have some real shoes to fill that's for sure.

I feel for you! Unlike relationships that end with one partner not being happy, the way they've broken up leaves hope for getting together again in future.

Your DS may not meet anyone to have family with and still be young and free when she's finished exploring and ready to settle down.

Of course you're upset. She was a perfect DIL. Keep in touch with her, you never know, they may reestablish their relationship in the future x

That's really intense for her. Only in her 20s and picking up the pieces of her newish boyfriends family following his fathers death.

What about her? Who looked after her? No wonder they split and she said she wants to have some fun

I agree.

She's young and seems to have gone from being in a fairly new relationship with a man that was hopefully healthy and fun, to supporting his whole family with their grief. Being OPs support person, acting like a parent to OPs younger kids by doing homework with them and taking them to activities, being a role model, shopping for the family. As well as making a career for herself. Its no wonder that she now wants some time having some fun and freedom before tying herself to marriage and children.

Without doubt, it will have impacted this couples relationship, although they may have chosen to split anyway. I feel very sad for OPs son. He's lost his dad, his new relationship as a young person turned into one of an old married couple and has now ended because the GF quite rightly wants fun and travel etc. He moved back home when all this happened, has supported his family, has now lost his GF and his mum is thinking of how this impacts her. It's mind blowing.

So you'd be happy with your 20 something daughter moving in and assuming that role? Helping with homework and running the household?

There's no advice to give other than support your son, it was his gf.

Nothing in the OP’s posts suggests their break up was anything to do with his fathers’ death - she said they wanted different futures. The gf supported the OP through a traumatic time and they got close as a result. The break up is clearly triggering for the OP who is struggling with it, and has posted here for advice. Instead people throw irrelevant shit. It’s becoming the norm on MN.

Because it’s entirely possible that the two are connected. The loss of this girl as a companion may trigger another round of grief for the loss of her husband.

That's really intense for her. Only in her 20s and picking up the pieces of her newish boyfriends family following his fathers death.

What about her? Who looked after her? No wonder they split and she said she wants to have some fun

They may well have a different opinion, but ‘pull yourself together’ isn’t helpful in any situation.

I was the same when my daughter broke up with her ex, 3 months after my husband also passed away in 2018. They had been together 8 years. It was another loss. What I call living grief.

It's perfectly natural, and on top of losing your husband, it's bought another type of grief on, for you to deal with.

I found out a year later that her ex had cheated on her. Grief turned to fury then. If I could have got my hands on him.... She didn't tell me at the time cos of losing my husband.

Anyway, that was 5 years plus ago. She is now very happy in a relationship she has been in 3 years.

They have my youngest grandson, who is 18 months old. They also have another due at Christmas, whose a little girl.

You can't see it now, nor would I have. However, I love her partner to bits. He dotes on her, and I prefer him to her ex.

He is loyal, stable, dotes on her, and will do anything for her, so things often work out as they should, though you can't see it at the time.

Take your time to grieve, feel the loss, and it will get easier. All the best and virtual hugs

Pull your self together & stop being so rude & mean? Op has lost her partner, bringing up all the kids on her own & is upset about someone leaving her life that she drew to like. She’s not trampled on a kitten fgs.

That sounds ridiculous OP. But I do ridiculous things all the time so can't judge you.

When your DC bring their partners into your life, you start to build you own relationship with them. My Ds' ex-girlfriend lived with us during lockdown as she is estranged from her own family. We all grew to love her, but then they split up. It's really hard. You do need to be there for your son, but your own loss is real too.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

My dad was very upset when I broke up with an ex. I was probably of a similar age to your sons ex. My dad was convinced that we would get back together. I remember him giving me a lift to the pub, where I was going on a date. When I told him about the date (this was years after we broke up by the way), he asked ‘what about EX’S NAME?’ My ex had bought a house and was either engaged or he may well have been married to his now wife. My brothers had to have a word with my dad in the end to get him to stop bringing my ex up. In the end, he only properly stopped when my ex and his wife had their first child.

You can be upset about this break up, but please don’t hold out hope or vocalise your hope or disappointment in their break up. Be there for your son. Tell him it happens and encourage him to keep busy rather than sit and wallow. Let him talk to you about his ex. Don’t make a difficult situation awkward. You’ll have to be mindful that he will meet someone else and if you’re still meeting up with his ex for coffee, then that would also be awkward for the new girlfriend.

The people down playing your feelings about this are nobs.

I absolutely love both of my sons' respective girlfriends. They are wonderful young women who are good for the boys, and also fierce and feisty and fucking awesome. I know for a fact that husband and I would both be genuinely devastated if either couple broke up. We consider the girls very much a part of our family, and if we are lucky, future daughter in laws.

There is nothing wrong with feeling upset, and on the back.of your recent bereavement, the emotions must surely be heightened. I'm sending hugs to you.

Well OP did ask if she was bu. Some people will think she is. You have a different opinion. No need to be so aggressive.

When my brother in law and his first girlfriend broke up after 9 years, my mother in law and I sobbed on the sofa for about an hour, just hugging each other and crying. We loved her so much, she was a huge part of the family. It was so sad. I think it’s normal and lovely that you’ve been so including and welcoming. You’ll move on but probably always have a place in your heart for her, that’s definitely how my MIL feels about that ex-girlfriend

Seriously feck off, she’s lost her husband and has responsibilities with 4 children still requiring lots of time and support. A lovely girl has been there for her during a tough time so obviously she’s sad to be seeing less of her. And at no point did she say she wasn’t going to have her son’s back. Get off your high horse and look up the word empathy. Bloody hell, some people 😲

@Uggghhhh that is a really lovely way to look at it actually.

I haven’t read through all the posts but the phrase “friends or a reason, a season or a lifetime” springs to mind.

People come and go in our lives. And I firmly believe that they come and go at the right time. She brought some light to your lives during a dark time. Perhaps that was the reason. Or the season.

very sorry for your loss op

@ArtAndMusic this is really beyond the pail. You are being unessessarily cruel.
No one is comparing the loss of the daughter in law to a direct bereavement. But the OP lost her husband unexpectedly. With young children. Her son moved back in and his girlfriend became one of the family and together they all got through it. Her going makes her HUSBANDS bereavement hit freshly again, as her support has gone.
People meet and get married and have kids in a year, so of course she can feel like a DIL in that time when they were all involved.

I have no idea the pain the OP is going through, but I know to be fucking kind.