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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can I keep my friend if I hate her kids?

61 replies

LiveDieRepeat · 07/10/2023 21:59

Met a new friend at a hobby/activity a few months ago. We get on really well and have similar interests, humour and are both single and at a similar stage in our lives. We have kids and they’re similar ages so we get each others family commitment level. I’ve met up with her today and we both brought our kids. It’s the second time we’ve met and I absolutely hate her children. They’re precocious and demanding and rude. They constantly interrupted us talking to demand things, they’re definitely old enough to know better. Her children kept taking things from mine- I brought activities for them to do at lunchtime and hers kept taking the pens mine were using literally out their hands. At one point her child disagreed with me and told me I was wrong (I wasn’t), but then kept saying that I should shut up because I was wrong about everything. It was so annoying!
she has already texted this evening saying how lovely today was and how her children can’t wait to meet up again, but I’m dreading the idea. I just can’t stand them, and my children feel similarly if I’m honest. But I have no idea how to get out of seeing her children but still maintain the friendship? I wouldn’t be friends with someone who didn’t like my kids, so it seems duplicitous to put her in that situation, even if she doesn’t know why.
do I need to give her up as a friend? As I’ve said, we are both single so meeting up without the children is really hard to manage

OP posts:

Sometimeswinning · 08/10/2023 08:46

Paynefully · 07/10/2023 22:03

How old are the kids?

It doesn’t actually matter. YABU to ‘hate’ any children.
Yeah ok some children are harder to be around than others.. but how can you actually ‘hate’ someone else’s children?

if you can’t tolerate them, cut the friendship off. Your attitude towards them will become obvious and you will either make them self conscious or you’re heading for confrontation from the mother.

Some kids are just very easy to dislike, just like people! Have you read the OP's post? They're selfish, rude little shits. Id most definitely not be meeting up with them!

Walkingtheplank · 08/10/2023 08:38

From my personal experience, I'd say you can be friends but have to meet away from the children.

A good friend has children almost identical in age to mine. We met as mums of toddlers but her son was always a nightmare - tantrums, physically hurt my children etc. The last time we spent time together with the children her son was vile to my DS who then played up himself as he quite rightly couldn't take anymore. She them spent the afternoon saying I should get treatment for my son.

I value her as a friend to me so have not met up with her with DCs since which has worked well. Her other (lovely) DC is now in therapy whilst her golden child remains golden in her eyes.

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2023 00:45

I think it's fine if she is willing to do no kids meet ups. Just tell her you found it too stressful having all the kids together and you couldn't get a good chat.
I avoid being close friends with parents of my children's friends amd same I avoid introducing my kids to my friends children. Way too much chace of things getting complicated.

SabbatWheel · 08/10/2023 00:39

I would be perfectly happy to challenge any child that spoke to me like the example you gave, OP.
A simple “That’s rude” would be a fair start.

iwantavuvezela · 08/10/2023 00:14

Try and find a way to keep your friend, lessen the impact where you can of been around her children. Soon your children will be in senior school and you will not have to meet with children, and you will still have your friend. (Im advising this as you seem to really like her as a person and friend) I am still in contact with parents from primary school and our. children did not maintain their friendships, but we did!

Pokinganose · 08/10/2023 00:03

She's allowing her dcs to behave like that and its not fair for your younger dcs to have put up with that. She's not a good friend. Pointing out the problem will only cause a problem. Your only way out is to bail.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2023 23:56

Yeah this is tough. What can you say?!

”Friend, you’re great but my DC found your kids’ behaviour difficult when we met up. Would love to continue the friendship though. Let me know your thoughts.”

Eeeeek best I could do!

thecrispfiend · 07/10/2023 23:46

Peepshowcreepshow · 07/10/2023 23:35

Friend of mine has children I can't stand. They are the loud, shouty, jumping on furniture and breaking stuff kind of kids and I can't do any of that. I see her at the pub or she comes to me without them. I would never tell her but when I gently broached the fact they fuck her house up constantly, she actually defended it, so now I just refuse to discuss the feral creatures and have bland conversations about them.

I have a friend like this too kids are wild!! And I only have 1 to her 3 so I'm just not used to the levels of noise. My son absolutely loves them though but they trash the house so we tend to meet outdoors as much as possible or go to their house!!

Peepshowcreepshow · 07/10/2023 23:35

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/10/2023 23:35

What did she do when her children were telling you to shut up because you were wrong!? I'd have been mortified if that were my kids!

Can you meet up somewhere and do a completely different activity where the kids can almost do their own thing, some kind of activity where they don't need to interact much?

Millybob · 07/10/2023 23:30

It's not obligatory to like anyone's kids. Some are loathsome!

NuffSaidSam · 07/10/2023 23:27

Presumably you both managed to meet at this hobby without your children? I would just explain to her that you want some time away from your kids/being a mum and your hobby is this time so you'd love to carry on seeing her for this hobby, but don't want to meet up for playdates with the kids.

If the kids are older primary school you're not far off both being able to leave them at home while you go out so it might be worth hanging on to her.

sgtmajormum · 07/10/2023 23:25

Sounds like as lovely as she is the friendship won't work if you can only meet up with the kids in tow.

Quartz2208 · 07/10/2023 23:21

Actually the fact is she is a reflection of her children. She cannot be great and her children are not because in essence they are who they are because of her parenting.

so in effect the friendship is over, your values don’t align and you need to move on

this isn’t an understandable our children don’t get on which is acceptable and understandable it’s you don’t like the way she parents

Saoirse82 · 07/10/2023 23:20

I know the obvious answer is to end the friendship, but she’s great, it’s the kids that are the problem

No, she's the problem. Or her parenting is. It's not the kids fault that they've clearly never been reprimanded for their awful behaviour.

MzHz · 07/10/2023 23:17

In my experience, people who text “my (awful) kids can’t wait to see you again” somehow KNOW they’re objectionable and have behaved appallingly and are using this as some kind of manipulation

she knows they’re awful.

You’re going to have to make excuses and drift away from her.

Original poster

LiveDieRepeat · 07/10/2023 23:08

Ah sorry I should have said. All the kids are in years 4/5/6 of primary school so 8-11, so should definitely know better.
some people have asked how she responded, it’s was a bit of ‘just make sure you share’ without actually stopping them, and a bit of turning a blind eye. No clear stop like I would have done if the tables were turned

to those who’ve said about my use of the word hate- yea you’re probably right it’s a strong word. I don’t hate them as in id wish them harm or fail to protect them from danger, I just find them incredibly rude and annoying and unpleasant to be around?

Lastly to those who’ve said meet without the kids, I’d love to but it’s virtually impossible as we are both single parents and work. Free time tends to be evenings or weekends when we usually have the children with us. I think she likes having a friend with children of a similar age so she has pushed for us all to meet.

I know the obvious answer is to end the friendship, but she’s great, it’s the kids that are the problem

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/10/2023 23:07

If you like her stay friends for evening or mid free weekends only. Plenty of my friends (long-standing) aren't that keen on hanging out with each others kids so they just don't.

Saz12 · 07/10/2023 23:01

Realistically, if you cant stand being around her children, but you cant meet up without them, then the friendship will be impossible to maintain.

janicegarvey · 07/10/2023 22:43

I've got a friend who's kids I can't stand . They're very rude to everyone including my friend and horrible to my kids. So I keep away mostly

Dustpantsandbush · 07/10/2023 22:43

Sack it off. They won’t change, move on.

EvilElsa · 07/10/2023 22:40

I had a friend with terribly behaved children (primary aged). We once went out to an daytime event with them and their behaviour was so bad people were staring and whispering. I was mortified to be associated with them. Fighting, screaming, pushing things over in shops...it was unbearable. She told me that she never tells them off as it is unhealthy and they need to express their feelings. Never went out with them ever again and the friendship fizzled out. We are fine with each other but not close.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2023 22:38

You don’t say how she reacted to the snatching and being rude to you. Did she notice? Deal with it properly? Think it was cute?

I’d say something if another child took a pen from mine, I wouldn’t sit by and do nothing even/especially if the parent ignored it.

All children can have tricky moments, what matters is now their parents respond.

There’s a woman I’ve known many years who tried to get closer to me when she had her son. I can’t deal with her parenting at all so have pulled back from anything just us and we only see them in big groups these days. I’ve never blamed her son, it’s how she responds that drives me insane.

With a new friend I think I’d just see her on her own which you presumably managed before including the kids through the hobby. If that’s not possible then I’d walk away. Shared values are so important and parenting style is a big one.

ToadOnTheHill · 07/10/2023 22:33

Id try again after "joking" about the bad behaviour and give it one last go. Something like "yes, would love to! [Her childs name] seemed to love the pens so I'll bring extra so they dont need to fight for them!"

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2023 22:28

If there is the expectation that you will meet up with the children then no, you can’t be friends.

I had to let a friendship go for similar reasons although it was more nuanced and I didn’t hate their kids at all but I didn’t like the parenting that had turned the children into very hard people to be around.

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