Can I keep my friend if I hate her kids?

IME…nice people with badly behaved kids know it, and they try to “train” their kids on other people’s nice kids in the hopes thier own kids will stop being so difficult. It never works because it’s only and hour or two whereas the parenting influence is 24/7. I have a similar friend of 1 year now whose kids (8 and 10 yo) don’t know how to behave in other people’s houses and I find them so annoying to be around. We’ll have out nice crafty things and water play potions and her kids will just pour everything out all at once and the activity is ruined and lasted all of 10 seconds. Her son also speaks in a squeaky baby voice which my kids then copy and it enrages me.
I’m trying to figure out how to be friends with her but avoid having the kids together. She keeps inviting us to hers and goes to great effort. She has even offered to take my kids to school if I drop them off in the morning; again I feel she is trying to moderate her own children with mine as mornings are really tough for them and they are always late for school (and so would my kids be!). I know kids learn through experience and being around others but at some point the good outweighs the bad and if it’s starting to feel harmful then disentangle yourself.

😲😲

I've got a friend like this . Her kids constantly interrupt when people are speaking and she lets them. In fact she interrupts conversations herself to answer them. and she also does that going off and plays with them whenever they want or lets them lead her around if that makes sense

I don't understand Why ????

I mean my kids are older now but when they were little I'd play with them a lot but not when I was seeing friends etc. they knew that they would have to entertain themselves for a while

I think I’d probably try to give it one more go with the kids. My children are a lot younger (both pre-schoolers) but they have ‘off days’ when they’re tired, or getting ill, or recovering from being ill, or just have something going on where they aren’t themselves at all and their behaviour is terrible. I don’t know if that’s as much of a ‘thing’ with older children as it is with toddlers. But if you really like the mum then I’d try to establish whether it was a one-off.

It’s ok to say you hate random kids, it’s just a turn of phrase, it doesn’t mean OP is going to do anything to them 🙄

I’ve never ever heard someone say that about their own family, it’s breathtakingly honest.

How did you get to know her before you met with the kids if you can’t meet up without the kids? You say it’s a hobby or activity, just keep seeing her there.

YANBU- just arrange adult only meet ups. Suggest meet ups that are in school time or adult only meals. Decline any suggestions of whole family meet ups.

If she won’t allow it then yes I guess you’ll have to let the friendship drift.

I suspect I have lost some friends because of my children/my parenting. We’re not a nice family to be around, always shouting and arguing. Not relaxing at all. I wouldn’t choose to spend time with us as a family so I can see why from the otherwise you would want to avoid it.

yanbu op

just say you want to meet without the kids as it’s hard to properly catch up
if she says no, well - girl, bye

If you met this woman months ago and this is only the second time that the children have got together then you must have been able to keep the friendship going until now. You will just have to go back to that situation?

It is hard to believe that this woman is so great when she allows her children to behave so awfully. Surely the two don't go together?

nothing wrong with you standing up to them.

erm, James was using that pen, please give it back to him and you can use it when he's done.

please do not speak so rudely to me, I am not rude to you.

stand up to them!

really you either challenge theor obnoxious behaviour and hope for change or you meet without them. "I'd love to see you again. The kids aren't over keen, and would rather skip the next get together. So I can do coffee on 23rd if you're free?"

I have a similar issue. My strategy is to try to meet in venues where human interaction is reduced eg cinema

You just have to stick to the facts about how your dc feel about her dc. Just tell her your dc didn't cope too well on the playdate, so you would prefer the friendship to be between the two of you.

I can't imagine any mum being willing to meet up with someone who criticises her kids...!

I had a friend like this. Her kids are so rude. But it’s because she never says no and when they interrupt she’ll just go and play with them ( and leave me sitting alone) once one of them threw a chair at me and told me to leave because they wanted all their mums attention. My DP met them for the first time the other day and was like oh my god they are so rude ( without knowing all the background)

I wouldn’t spend my time in this environment, I only see this person without kids laregely now ( and not often) I don’t have the patience for her parenting style or the overindulged kids.

Wow, an 8-11yo snatching a pen off another kid, right in front of both mums, is not really normal. Revealing that the mum didn't react strongly, ie without much surprise, it shows that's normal for them.

I'd stop meeting her, it can't be fun for your kids, it's not fair on them. Find another mum friend.

Honestly don't try to talk to her about her kids' behaviour. That will only make her offended and defensive.

I agree with those who say that her dc are a reflection of their parents, however the dad might be crap, so its a nature rather than nurture issue.
You don't have to be rude or tiptoe, or even make something up. You just have to stick to the facts about how your dc feel about her dc. Just tell her your dc didn't cope too well on the playdate, so you would prefer the friendship to be between the two of you.

I agree with those who say that her dc are a reflection of their parents, however the dad might be crap, so its a nature rather than nurture issue.
You don't have to be rude or tiptoe, or even make something up. You just have to stick to the facts about how your dc feel about her dc. Just tell her your dc didn't cope too well on the playdate, so you would prefer the friendship to be between the two of you.

If you ever do meet up with her with the kids again don't be shy in telling them that they're being rude/not to snatch from your children.

I can see this happening with an old friend of mine, I've known her since school and I have three older children but her son is a similar age to my youngest. He is now 5 and she does not stop him from rampaging round everywhere he goes, he's rude and attacks other children. I am going to be gutted if I have to stop seeing my friend but I can't keep subjecting my child to him.

As they are a bit older can you take them to a place like an adventure playground where they can go off and do their own thing and you can have a coffee with the mum without anyone having to police them

I’m a pretty relaxed parent generally but the idea my child would tell someone to shut up and I’d just ignore it has me shocked!

She’s not great, her kids are walking, talking, snatching proof of that.

Ha ha ha! That's one way to lose a friend for good 🤣🤣

I would have no hesitation in tell any child who behaved like that to stop.
Johnny, please don’t snatch the pens from Adam’s hand.
Johnny don’t tell me to shut up that’s very rude.
If their mother isn’t going to stop them being horrible to me or my kids then I’m going to pull them up on it.
My kids being treated nicely is far more important than a friendship.

How can she be that great if her kids are such horrors? I get that kids can behave badly but she didn’t address it.

Sorry, I’d really not wish to continue being friends with her.

Omg this is the worst idea ever 😂

I let one friendship go because she was only suggesting meeting up at mine in the winter , probably to save on heating . Final straw came when her child went into my bedroom and sprayed my perfume , threw a box of tissues across the room and almost destroyed a toy , Her mother found it amusing . That was it I just stopped contacting them ( pre internet days ) I would just let this go as you will follow up with resentment and it will ruin the friendship anyway.