Regret being older mum

You're not an older mum. In fact 32 for first DC is pretty standard... in my circles actually quite young! Most of us had our first at 35-ish.

And objectively it makes a whole lot of good sense to be financially stable before having a family.

So I don't understand your regret.

you may as well stop now, nothing is going to change, regret does nothing aside from make today sad.
Instead, can you achieve what you want quicker? Can you have the next kids closer together? Can you adopt?

stop regrets and guilt, achieves nothing. move on

I was 24,27 & 35, I am a better mother in my 30’s than in my 20’s. Maybe that’s experience but I’m more patient now than I ever was

I went to a private girls school in the 1990s. It was drummed into us endlessly that getting pregnant was the absolute worst thing we could ever do. That it would destroy our lives and our careers. We were all terrified of it...so much so I knew girls from that school who got pregnant in their thirties in secure relationships and were absolutely petrified to tell their parents!

Are you suggesting 'feminism' stopped you having kids in your 20s? How so? Are you sure it's not that housing and life in general in much more expensive now and requires a joint income? Or that there are very few men who want to have kids in their early 20s? And why would having one at 37 be a 'different matter' - a whopping 4 years after you?

@Gmary20 I would guess that they don't understand what feminism is. Many women see the campaigns for girls and women to be able to have equal access education and paid employment and take this to mean that feminism isnt for them if they havent engaged with higher ed or paid employment.

At a guess I’d say they don’t really know what they’ve written or why they’ve written it. The inverted commas are an interesting choice, though.

@Gmary20

what do you mean by ‘feminism’?

I'm 33, pregnant with my first and feel the same way. I always wanted to be a young mum and have kids in my 20's, but society seems to frown on that nowerdays in the name of "feminism". Don't worry though, your not too old and you had your first when you were only in your early 30's. If you had started at 37 that would be a different story.

I just had my first at 37… how very dare you 😂

You’re pretty average age having you DC tbh and don’t think you’ve made the wrong decision to be financially stable before having them. You didn’t plan to start having your first at 40 or anything like that. There’s definitely a balance between finances and age/health, but starting in your early 30s is probably a good balance.

im in the minority on mumsnet for thinking that age and health should be bigger concerns than financial security when deciding to have kids and that having a baby at 25 is usually better than having one at 45 despite possibly being less well off. However what youve done is fine and wouldnt consider you and older parent at all.

Same, had dc3 aged 37 and dc4 at 42 and now I'm pushing 60 having to find the money for essentials for a child still at school. We waited for the last two as I wanted us to have a secure income, house etc but then my now ex dh decided he'd jack in his £200 k a year job, gamble away our savings and his pension and live on benefits instead! I now work in a minimum wage job, as I was a SAHM for years (did a degree in the 1980s) and am going blind. That worked out well!

Dd1 is expecting her first baby and she'll be 32 when it's born. That seems quite normal within her friendship group. I think she's only planning on two. Dd2 had her first when she was 28 (almost 29) and she's considered young these days.

@Lizziethepink666 Agree with all you’ve said, I was 40 when we had our Dd after years of infertility, but I felt too young probably even before 35
Which games/energetic activities do you not feel you can do with your dc, I mean if you didn’t have your illness (so sorry about that 😢)

The average age of a new mum in the Uk is now 30.9 so you are definitely not old!

I had my first 2 kids at 29 and 32. I was almost 40 when I had my third. The last one has been more tiring as I’m older. I find it hard to divide myself between all 3. They each have different needs at their ages: playing Lego or drawing for long periods of time vs secondary school homework help vs navigating a new social life and needing lifts etc
I find I can’t give each one the time I’d like to give them. I also work full-time as the main bread-winner so there are lots of demands on my time.
I don’t regret my third at all but I do realise I feel the same sense of completeness that I did before having him. It’s just completeness with a bit more stress on my time (and body!). I think I thought a third would “complete” my family but the feeling is just the same as it was with 2 kids.

It's definitely not unreasonable to have worries and mum (or indeed dad) guilt about being an older parent. I had my daughter at the age of 40 and it's true that there are some disadvantages - I especially feel bad that we have less energy to play with her than we would have in our 20s, and as I have recently been diagnosed with a degenerative condition that affects mobility, this is even more sharply felt for me. However, I don't regret being an older parent at all. Our financial and housing situation is much more stable than when we were younger, which is a bonus, though I think as long as your kids have a warm home and decent food they wouldnt worry about this nearly as much as you. The biggest advantage for me is in my massively increased patience, knowledge and understanding at the age of 40 compared to twenty years ago. I KNOW I am a better parent for those extra years and what my daughter misses out on in fun energetic games with me (though I have enough money to pay for her to attend energetic classes and activities that give her what she needs in that regard so she doesn't miss out altogether), is more than made up for by having a more emotionally intelligent and patient parent. I think if I'd had her in my 20s I would have just parented her exactly how I was parented (which was fine in the main, but of its time) whereas those extra years have me plenty of time to consider what I think is good parenting. I also think I would have been more at risk of feeling suffocated by parenthood (and I think we've all felt that way at times) if I hadn't had the chance to enjoy my youth without any real responsibilities, but that's perhaps more of a personal thing. If you're a parent you're going to beat yourself up about all the different ways you will mess up your child, so whatever choices you make inevitably come with all kinds of guilt, but I really don't think this is one to worry about. X

I planned mine for my thirties, didn't even occur to me that that could be considered older. I know people whove had their first, perfectly healthy beautiful baby, in their 40s and they are simply amazing parents with the life experience, finances and stability to provide a wonderful home. We are busy raising ours, they are 5 and 3, and I can't imagine having had them at any other time. Put it this way, if you'd had them earlier you wouldn't have the children you have...and can you even imagine that world?? I had fun in my twenties and now I'm having a different kind of fun, but one I'm mentally and physically better prepared for, now with my little family. Life is what you make it :) don't sweat things you can't change and embrace the opportunities you can x

Had my first at 38.
didnt consider that old and I don’t regret the childless years I had before that.
im happy I waited.
31 is not old. You can’t go back and have them younger now so just appreciate what is happening to you now. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I wouldn’t consider you an older mum at all.

My eldest is 16 and the vast majority of her friends parents are in their mid 50s. I’m the youngest at not yet 40. Our youngest is 11

It’s a relatively affluent area and their parents all own homes and can give their kids far more than we can. We rent and probably won’t ever be able to own a house until our kids are no longer at home (starter homes won’t fit us all in!!)

There are pros and cons to both scenarios, I wouldn’t change anything but we often think some things would be a whole lot easier if we’d have had the jobs we have now and got on the property ladder before starting a family.

Well you wouldn't have the kids you have now if that had been the case?

I had my first at 32 (just turned 32), second at 35, third at 36. We weren't buying a house or anything either - just trying to establish ourselves in our careers etc. I don't regret anything. I am the same age if not younger than many of their friends (although dd2 did tell me once that they were doing a numbers thing in their spanish class so they had to give the ages of everyone in their families and she said for me "my mother doesn't like me to give her age" just as well as the next girl up had a mother who was 34 and a grandmother who was 54!)

Don't regret anything. You are the age a lot of women are having children.

I had my first at 34 and my second is due next month just before I turn 37. I wouldn't have been anywhere near ready in my 20s and I was just about as settled as I needed to be when I got pregnant, so I think that's a lot more important than perhaps the payoff of having a bit more energy, or even leaving enough room for the (possibly hypothetical) 3rd child. Each to their own of course but in your shoes I wouldn't waste mental energy on regretting how things have gone, and as pp have said, you're not that old especially by today's standards - probably bang on average in fact!

That’s not late imo. If I were you I would count my blessings and stop worrying about things you can’t change.

I had my little boy at 41, I'd done all my partying and don't regret it at all. I wasn't a fan of being referred to as a geriatric mum though 😕