Page 5 | DH & sex…

BetterWithPockets · 2023-10-01T15:14:38+00:00

So, I’m menopausal and my sex drive has hit rock bottom. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. DH is still keen and unless we have sex twice a week, he gets grumpy. To be fair to him, he’s brilliant in so many other ways. And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate. And I get that. I really do. And I do try. But sometimes I’m tired or the timings just don’t work or — well, a thousand different things. I guess the issue is that he wants it; I don’t. I do try but I hate feeling under pressure. Similarly he tries to mask his disappointment/annoyance if it doesn’t happen. (He’s not very good at masking it tbh, but I do think he tries.) I just don’t know what the answer is. I’ve even considered suggesting an open marriage but I think I’d find that too difficult to navigate if it really came to it. The thing is it’s only twice a week — how difficult can that be? (That’s certainly how he regards it.) But I HATE feeling compelled to do something I really don’t want to do and honestly think I’d be more amenable if if I didn’t feel under pressure. He, on the other hand, doesn’t feel loved/valued etc if he’s not getting it. And neither of us want this to be the thing that ends our marriage — we both love each other — but neither of us know where to go from here. I’ve just realised this isn’t really AIBU, so apologies. It’s more DYHAA (do you have any advice)…?

BeignetPommes · 01/10/2023 16:51

I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same boat and although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, it is comforting to know it’s not just me

Just to comfort you a bit more, me too. It wouldn't bother me if I never had sex again.

NumberTheory · 01/10/2023 16:50

What does he do for you in bed, OP? I get the losing the sex drive, because that happened to me for a while, but even then I still loved a lot of sensuality in bed. And if that’s catered to I enjoyed the sex despite not actually desiring it IYSWIM. But it took a while to work that out because we had really let the foreplay and non-intercourse related aspects of our sex life slide over the years.

Mumofteenandtween · 01/10/2023 16:50

Do you enjoy it when you are actually doing it? Is there anything that he could do differently to make it more enjoyable for you?

The other thing to consider is does anything arouse you. I think that it is easy to get stuck in a “this and that turns me on” mindset when actually our sexual desires change over time. So just because the idea of “sex in the garden” doesn’t work for you it doesn’t mean that nothing will. But you need time and space to figure that out.

Finally you mention that you are often too tired for sex. But he obviously isn’t. So maybe he needs to be doing more and you need to be doing less?

something2say · 01/10/2023 16:49

I think sex is a central issue in keeping a relationship together, if we are going to be monogamous.

PandaExpress · 01/10/2023 16:49

Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:24

In some ways though I think long term relationships are transactional. Not just sex but everything. It’s all compromise and doing things you perhaps wouldn’t choose to do to make things comfortable to live together. You’ll probably get a load of replies telling you that I’m wrong for saying that and surely your dh knows you don’t fancy it blah blah but I don’t think they do, not if you’re good at feigning interest. And to be fair when I get into it I don’t mind it, I just wouldn’t really be bothered if we just had a cup of tea instead!

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I agree. It shouldn't be transactional like "It's Wednesday, I've paid the bills so let's go" but a bit of give and take is necessary. I'd just have a go, you might get into it once you start. It's marriage. It would be different if you said the thought repulsed you. But just not really fancying it, I think you can try.

Ohhbaby · 01/10/2023 16:48

No suprise why our divorce rate is sky high if you read some of these replies. Of course any loving wife wants to be there for her husband sexually! 'it sounds transactional etc' bugger off. It's normal and healthy to want to do this for your spouse even if you don't feel like it. I would much rather not stand up in the middle of the night when my husband is sick, but do it because I love him.
OP, I'd also maybe try a few things, lube, GP?

I also had a friend give me advice. 'start before you're ready' meaning sometimes we don't feel like it, but if we start, halfway through we end up enjoying it even if we didn't necessarily think to do it ourselves. I don't know if this is true for you?

Good lick to you guys and good on you for acknowledging the problem and not trying to sy 'dh should just accept it' but actually making an effort!

Munchyseeds2 · 01/10/2023 16:47

I don't really find that HRT has made any difference, apart from the cream making things more comfortable!
I certainly don't get the urge anymore....I do it cause I feel I should and I love DH ( who I have to say, never puts the pressure on)

itsmyp4rty · 01/10/2023 16:47

Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:24

In some ways though I think long term relationships are transactional. Not just sex but everything. It’s all compromise and doing things you perhaps wouldn’t choose to do to make things comfortable to live together. You’ll probably get a load of replies telling you that I’m wrong for saying that and surely your dh knows you don’t fancy it blah blah but I don’t think they do, not if you’re good at feigning interest. And to be fair when I get into it I don’t mind it, I just wouldn’t really be bothered if we just had a cup of tea instead!

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They really aren't - or they shouldn't be. You shouldn't have to do things that make you uncomfortable to keep the person you're married happy. I'm never having anal sex with OH, he can like that or he can leave, I won't be compromising.

The idea of having to fake my enjoyment of sex is almost as bad as the idea of having sex with someone who was faking their enjoyment in it. What a horrid, horrid way to live. I'm not going to be faking my orgasms to please a man.

OP he is grumpy because he thinks he is entitled to sex. He is doing his role and he sees the woman's role as servicing her man. It's misogynist pig territory. He's not interested in what he could do to help or improve things, I bet he hasn't even asked - because he sees this as his right. You owe him.

He's also emotionally manipulating you into initiating sex - he can persuade himself that you must want it because you initiated it. It's just all vile, coercive, abusive behaviour. Do you not see - he has manipulated you into not just agreeing to sex, but actually initiating yourself, every time.

If you wanted sex and he didn't could you imagine behaving this way? I can't think of anything that would be a bigger turn off. Is he this manipulative in other ways if you think carefully about it? Do things run smoothly - as long as they're running his way? Have you moulded yourself into what he wants thanks to all his subtle manipulation?

The thing is OP what do you want. Personally I'd not be letting him anywhere near me but do you want your desire for sex back again? If so I think it would be a really good idea to speak to a doctor and see if there's anything else they can suggest - isn't there a female viagra? But this is not a good guy you're with no matter how you convince yourself otherwise.

PositanoBay · 01/10/2023 16:46

Has anyone tried 'HANX Libido Lift' - I keep seeing it on Instagram, thought it maybe good, but haven't tried it

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2023 16:44

Sexual coercion is rape op. He coerces you by making it clear it’s part of your “duties” and you’re so brainwashed that you think this is normal or acceptable. His behaviour is abusive; if you don’t recognise that then we can’t help you

olderbutwiser · 01/10/2023 16:44

Testosterone worked magic for me. It doesn't have a massive effect on everyone but I would say it's definitely worth a try.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 01/10/2023 16:43

I can’t take Ginseng as I feel too horny on it, (I’m single) so might be worth trying out!

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:41

Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:19

No idea because we’re in exactly the same boat. I’m on HRT too and done all the usual checks etc. I do think for a lot of women we just completely lose interest. It’s difficult.

Ah, @Pigeonqueen. I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same boat and although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, it is comforting to know it’s not just me.

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Hygeelady · 01/10/2023 16:41

Is there intimacy at other times? This is a big deal to me, i can't just jump into bed and be ready for sex. We need to be having cuddles and the odd kiss here and there, holding hands on a walk etc and alot of communication. If this doesn't happen, I can't do it! What can he do to make it better? What can you do to help? The thing is although you shouldn't have to do something you don't want, most marriages don't last without the only thing keeping you as a couple, it won't be fair to your husband either. Is this a new thing? How long has it been since you got on hrt?

Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:40

Noname99 · 01/10/2023 16:30

But how can it be more spontaneous if you are saying left to your oven devices you’d never initiate it/want it? I think you need to think about why you don’t want to have sex with your husband? Sex is the most wonderful intimate thing and the only thing (hopefully!!) that is exclusive to you both. I’d be utterly devastated if my partner did not fancy me, was not attracted to me and basically wanted a live in friend.

Edited

The thing is, this is how I suspect ops dh feels - and my dh. And others in a similar situation. But the flip side of it is that the other person literally couldn’t care less about it for various reasons. (In my case I feel like I’ve had a very high sex drive most of my life and now I’m getting older it’s just dropped off a cliff, it’s like I feel like I’ve had enough of it thanks, I’m sure menopause is a big part of it but all the HRT and testosterone in the world doesn’t help). So it’s either making it another tick off the list chore that you have to pretend you enjoy and are really into, or you face splitting up your otherwise perfectly lovely family for. At the end of the day it’s either he’s miserable or you are. It’s shit but I suspect a lot of couples are in exactly the same boat.

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:39

@Pumpkinpie1 @icelollycraving youre right. I will go back to the gp. I wasn’t like this pre-menopause. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:38

Noname99 · 01/10/2023 16:30

But how can it be more spontaneous if you are saying left to your oven devices you’d never initiate it/want it? I think you need to think about why you don’t want to have sex with your husband? Sex is the most wonderful intimate thing and the only thing (hopefully!!) that is exclusive to you both. I’d be utterly devastated if my partner did not fancy me, was not attracted to me and basically wanted a live in friend.

Edited

You’re right. The reason I don’t want it is that since the menopause I just never feel like it. I know he feels unloved and unattractive as a result which is why I try to make it happen. But because I don’t really want it, it doesn’t always happen. I’m really not suggesting it’s all his fault (although I know this is MN so there are always going to be some people who jump in saying how terrible he is. But he’s really not.)

OP posts:

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:34

Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:24

In some ways though I think long term relationships are transactional. Not just sex but everything. It’s all compromise and doing things you perhaps wouldn’t choose to do to make things comfortable to live together. You’ll probably get a load of replies telling you that I’m wrong for saying that and surely your dh knows you don’t fancy it blah blah but I don’t think they do, not if you’re good at feigning interest. And to be fair when I get into it I don’t mind it, I just wouldn’t really be bothered if we just had a cup of tea instead!

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I agree with this. He does things to make me happy and would like me to do things to keep him happy. He’s really not a bad person. And I’m probably similar — I don’t mind it, but could just as happily have a cuppa!

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Freezingcoldinseptember · 01/10/2023 16:32

Tell him to have a wank and you will participate by suppling the tissues..

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:31

jeaux90 · 01/10/2023 16:21

Testosterone as part of HRT massively helps but this doesn't seem to be the issue.

I don't think the transactional view of this is healthy at all.

It’s not really as transactional as I’ve made it sound. It’s more that he loves me so tries to do things that will make me happy, and hopes I’ll do things (have sex!) that will make him happy.

OP posts:

Noname99 · 01/10/2023 16:30

But how can it be more spontaneous if you are saying left to your oven devices you’d never initiate it/want it? I think you need to think about why you don’t want to have sex with your husband? Sex is the most wonderful intimate thing and the only thing (hopefully!!) that is exclusive to you both. I’d be utterly devastated if my partner did not fancy me, was not attracted to me and basically wanted a live in friend.

WhateverMate · 01/10/2023 16:27

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:25

@Nanny0gg I think I’d enjoy it more if it felt more spontaneous, more mutual. But he’s hesitant to initiate anything because he’s scared of rejection/putting me under pressure (although he does that anyway, inadvertently, by being grumpy if it doesn’t happen), so invariably I have to initiate it, but I’d happily never initiate if left to my own devices!

Edited

although he does that anyway, inadvertently, by being grumpy if it doesn’t happen

Please don't assume this is inadvertent rather than controlled, manipulative behaviour.

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:27

@WhateverMate Ah, but that isn’t how it is. It’s more that if you love someone you try to do things that will make them happy. And this is one (big!) thing that makes him happy…

OP posts:

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:25

@Nanny0gg I think I’d enjoy it more if it felt more spontaneous, more mutual. But he’s hesitant to initiate anything because he’s scared of rejection/putting me under pressure (although he does that anyway, inadvertently, by being grumpy if it doesn’t happen), so invariably I have to initiate it, but I’d happily never initiate if left to my own devices!

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 01/10/2023 16:25

Sex shouldn’t be a transaction, to feel that way is a big turn off surely. Sulking isn’t attractive but we are all human and he may not want to be a sexless marriage.
IF you want your desire back, would seeing the gp help? (I’m not suggesting he’s hot but maybe some kind of meditation!)