DH & sex…

Did you ever enjoy sex with him? Do you orgasm? If you’re just performing an act for him to cum I don’t blame you resenting it.

I agree with @Pigeonqueen and @Ohhbaby

It’s just normal OP. Why would a woman with no hormones and no ability to have children want to have sex? And twice a week?! How long do you think that can continue? Do you do it for the next ten years before losing the plot and splitting up anyway?

The way our society and families are set up just doesn't really work for women after menopause. It’s very difficult to understand this until it happens to you. Of course try the hormones but I think testosterone can cause anger/irritation, especially when combined with stress hormones.

Leave him. It will never get better.
you deserve so much more than this. secure your finances now!

You have said you love him, but do you actually find him attractive? Is it just lack of libido on your part or does he actually turn you off?

@IaskUanswer I wouldn’t say so much just sex, but sex and physical intimacy (kisses, cuddles etc) are what differs your relationship with your partner from your friendship with your best friend.

I don’t think it’s strange at all that without that, most marriages struggle? I have plenty of friends, but I don’t want to live with any of them full time.

most marriages don't last without the only thing keeping you as a couple

Sex is the only thing that keep people as couples, that’s very sad, isin’t it?

I was pinning my hopes on testosterone but after a year it still hasnt helped. So it's not the answer for everyone. It's definitely hormonal for me as i still get one or two days each month where my libido returns ( i suspect i'm ovulating then, but at 48 not sure how much longer that will continue).
Im absolutely in the same situation.
HRT has helped my mental health massively but im still a grumpy cow - just not a suicidal one. 😆
Sex is another chore on my list.

I can see what you’re saying and that’s why I do make the effort for dh, because he misses that intimacy. For him it’s part of our marriage, I truly believe for men (in general) they see sex as part of being loved, whereas for women it’s more complex, especially as we get older. I know dh feels emotionally rejected and distant from me without sex, we’ve had a LOT of conversations about it. We have a really close, loving relationship in many ways but as we’re getting older there is a definite divide in how we view sex.

I would never have anal sex or anything I had issues with because personally that’s my line in the sand so to speak, and I’ve been in abusive relationships before and this is definitely not the same thing. Dh and I have gone months and months where we haven’t had sex because I really couldn’t fancy it and he’s not been horrible about it or pressured me but we’ve had a lot of heart to hearts and I know he felt sad about it, and he’s allowed to say that - it’s not coercive or abusive to say that anymore than I’m saying I would be happy to never bother again. So at the moment we’re trying to meet in the middle - I’m giving it all I have to be more into it, initiating things and to be fair yeah it’s fine when I’m in the moment but half the time I’m just bloody shattered and can’t be bothered. But it means a lot to him. He can’t believe his luck… it’s hard isn’t it.

I couldn’t have imagined feeling this way if I met myself 20 years ago. Sex was really important to me, dh and I used to have sex twice a day at one point, so I can definitely see both sides of the coin as it were. If dh had gone off sex at that point I would have been deeply hurt and baffled. And yet here we are.

It’s easy for people to be keyboard warriors and dish out the advice that no one should ever compromise in a sexual sense but I think people do it all the time, in one way or another. It’s different if there’s real abuse or coercion of course and if the ops dh is walking around sulking then yeah my vagina would shrivel up and shake its head too but it’s not always as black and white as that.

I posted earlier but just coming back to give some practical HRT advice.

Go back to the GP, ask for a blood test to see if the HRT is working, check your hormone levels, this will probably show you have really low testosterone and you need to tell the GP is massively impactful in terms of your libido etc

The goal here is to get a referral to the menopause clinic who can prescribe testosterone as part of your HRT.

Testosterone is a game changer, not just for libido but also my aching joints and most importantly my sharpness of thinking is back in a big way which helps me career wise.

It’s such a tricky one isn’t it.

I would go back to the GP and see if the HRT can be tweaked - one thing that really seems to help some people with this is testosterone, so ask about that. If you don’t get much joy - I don’t think GPS have a bunch of training in this area - then I’d go and see a specialist privately.

I’m assuming you want your sex drive and life back? Is there anything that could make it more appealing right now, like longer foreplay? When you are doing it are there times when you do enjoy it? Would it help to reduce it to once a week and build back up?

If there are any green shoots you can build on scheduling one longer spot might be the way back. It doesn’t sound like spontaneity is realistic (as it so often isn’t, any time after you have kids). I’m assuming also that you have non sexual affection, if you don’t that needs sorting.

@BetterWithPockets I really recommend the book 'mind the gap'. Helped me better understand my low libido and stop feeling guilty about it, which in turn can help improve it. She's also done a TED talk which is a great summary for him to listen to to help him understand/be more reasonable

Totally agree with you.

We all do things that we don't want to do to please our partners. Sex is no different (unless of course the woman is in pain etc).

It's funny, there was a thread the other week where people were saying the the OP's boyfriend should make a fuss on the OP's birthday and make a fuss of her even if he does not want to.

But it seems like when it comes to sex a lot of people on here thing that women don't need to do the same.

I couldn't be with someone who made things so transactional. Twice a week? That's ridiculous to say it needs to happen twice a week. No it doesn't. It happens when it happens, and if he's pressuring you that's not a loving husband.

That's a terrible response. Sex is a beautiful act between partners that reinforces the relationship. A wank is not the same. If my partner suggested that I'd seek a new partner.

CherryMyBrandy
I agree - everything from accusations of coercive control to rape!!
It is not unreasonable to expect your partner to be attracted you and want to have sex with you and to feel upset (“grumpy”) if they suddenly decide they do not and expect you to just live with it.

I think a lot of these replies are very unfair. Particularly the abuse ones.

My DH recently lost his sex drive and it had a huge affect on our relationship. It affected my confidence and how we interacted (flirting (for want of a better word) was off the table) It was really upsetting.

I have had periods of losing my sex drive before and it's very different when you are the one not interested. I, like you, didn't feel that bothered at the time. For the other party it can feel very upsetting and make a real dent in their self confidence.

Thankfully we seem to have come out the other side and his sex drive is back, and normal business has resumed! I don't even want sex that often. It's not really about the sex itself it's the feeling of having lost a big part of a relationship, the loss of intimacy, the rejection that goes with that and the effect it has on your interaction that are the biggest issues imo.

I wouldn't want to stay on a relationship where the sex was completely off the table.

So although I agree you shouldn't have sex if you don't feel up to it, but I do think you need to do what you can to see if you can reignite your sex drive. Good luck!

My reply was for @itsmyp4rty

Do you do other things that are intimate apart from sex cuddle up in bed , kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the sofa? Or is it all contact that you don't like?

I guess I’m surprised, not that some posters including op say they don’t want to have sex with their husband, it’s that some posters don’t care (CBA is the term used in some cases) don’t worry, miss it ….nothing. As I said I’d be utterly devastated if my husband just announced that he no longer wanted sex and really didn’t give a shit either

I do think sex is an important part of a relationship, at the end of the day it’s one of the main things that differs your relationship from any of your friendships!

At the point you’re not being intimate with your partner they just become another of your friends, and there’s some relationships where both partners are happy with that so it works, but if one of you isn’t then it is a deal breaker really.

Could you maybe try sitting down to discuss what could make your sex life better? For most women (not all obviously) their sex drive is responsive, so they need some foreplay/stimulation/that initial contact, so I can understand you finding it difficult to “initiate” because actually you don’t really fancy it unprompted! There are ways around this though, some women read “dirty” books for example, others watch porn, or you could have a conversation with your partner about each of your turn ons/turn offs, what works and what doesn’t, and go from there?

If you just have no interest in having sex though, and don’t want to try, then I think you need to have a chat with him about that as well and see what he wants to do in that case.

Really? Misogynistic pic? Wow.

I don't try and make my husband feel bad if we haven't had sex in a while, but I can feel my behaviour change. I feel disconnected and snappy. We need that physical intimacy.

So anyone who starts to feel for a lack do a better word angsty when they've not been physically intimate with their spouses, are misogynistic, think they're entitled to sex?

Pigeonqueen

Oh I do understand what you are saying. But I don’t think it’s ok to just think well it’s menopause and that’s that. Sex is so much more than ‘just hormones.’ They’d be bloody uproar if someone wrote that men can’t help wanting sex due to their hormones!

Sex, in my opinion, is mainly about expressing physically how you feel about your partner so I think to just say “no thanks I just don’t want it anymore” misses the point somewhat as to what sex is.

Do you enjoy it once you start or not even that? I have no advice as am in the same boat, has anyone recommended the book "Mind the Gap"? It's on my list to be read but I actually CBA to do anything about it, genuinely don't want more sex.