DH & sex…

I think that's why many relationships end ultimately. Because a lot of men and women don't have compatible long term sex drives.

The problem with this though is assuming that has to work for your partner.

If both of you are unbothered by sex it's one thing. But the majority of people want sex to play some part in a committed LTR. It's absolutely fine if you don't want that. But if you decide that sex has no role in your life and your partner feels otherwise you can't really expect them to remain faithful to you indefinitely. You're depriving them of something that's important to them for a cause which might be undermined by the lack of sex.

I wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with someone where there was never any possibility of sex (or at the very least some physical intimacy). I just don't see the point: you might as well live separately, minimise all the other baggage and stress of a relationship and have an easier life.

I think it's just nature and normal.

I'm not bothered by sex. Wish it wasn't something that's seen as needing to be fixed rather than just nature doing its thing.

Nature wants us to get pregnant. Then it doesn't. I think its challenging to fit human sexuality into the mould of a relationship.

I really get what you’re saying OP.

I really think that sex is completely different for a woman who is going through the motions when we’re not really bothered as it’s just so … intrusive. I wonder how he’d feel about someone inserting a body part/dildo into him on a regular basis when they know he’s not really up for it. It makes me feel shit emotionally on the rare occasion that I do it when I’m not really in the mood.

I also get really frustrated that we’re often expected to make allowances for male libido because of their ‘needs’ (hormones), and yet us woman are expected to ignore how our own hormones impact our mood and libido and prioritise theirs.

Not sure I know what the answer is tbh, but I’d definitely start by instigating a reduction in his expectations to once a week rather than twice! I also don’t think that you should feel like you owe him for doing nice things for his family - you’re not the prize for him participating in family life.

Only if left to op it would never happen

Just to add OP, my libido completely dropped when peri started. I went on HRT and it didn't really make much of a difference. I upped my dose and my sex drive is back to normal.

I couldn't get past this bit, And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate.

WTAF? Sex is supposed to be something you both want and enjoy because you love each other and find each other attractive. Not a fucking reward system for when he does the fricking dishes! JFC! If my libido wasn't already low, it would be fucking non-existent if he said that! No wonder you don't want sex!

Hit post too soon 🙄
My gp wouldn't prescribe the initial dose
Oestrogen levels need to be optimised with HRT prior to testosterone supplementation

HRT on its own doesn't alway increase libido. You'd need testosterone gel supplements. I had to get my testosterone prescription privately as my gp wouldn't prescribe the unit

im the opposite - OH doesn’t want sex and the pain it’s causing me … it is the most hurtful thing to be unwanted sexually and to feel unloved and so separate from someone. Honestly killing me.

Are you on HRT? I had a medical hysterectomy and was put on HRT..my libido went through the roof and the KY worked a treat .

I really find that being close and affectionately intimate helps my libido. There are plenty of lovely nights where we just cuddle up naked and chat whilst holding and stroking each other, yes it often leads to more but many times it is just that, we cuddle on the settee, kiss regularly.

Also - what I thought was going off sex (physically and mentally) due to menopause was actually that my marriage to my ex was over and I hadn’t fully realised yet but my body had! Years later, I’m very happy with DP and have a great love life - not hrt related either.

My libido jumped off a cliff with the menopause; combined with never ending cystitis every time we have sex, which was a huge psychological barrier as well. So I went to a menopause specialist. Obviously have all the other symptoms too which were hard to manage and made me feel like crap.

I now have progesterone patches and oral oestrogen at night. I then have a small vaginal pessary of oestrogen a couple of times/week which helps with dryness/atrophy etc and has sorted the cystitis out. I then also have a small amount of female testosterone daily in a cream version. I am finally getting there and feeling like my old self so yes, naturally we are having more sex because I feel like it more.

if you want to do that for you, then go for it. Don’t do it just for him. I must admit DH was great about it but the big thing for us was that we talked about it so he knew what was going on for me. That I wasn’t rejecting him, I just literally didn’t want it at all before I started my treatment.

@Pigeonqueen

In some ways though I think long term relationships are transactional. Not just sex but everything. It’s all compromise and doing things you perhaps wouldn’t choose to do to make things comfortable to live together. You’ll probably get a load of replies telling you that I’m wrong for saying that and surely your dh knows you don’t fancy it blah blah but I don’t think they do, not if you’re good at feigning interest. And to be fair when I get into it I don’t mind it, I just wouldn’t really be bothered if we just had a cup of tea instead!

I agree with this tbh. Not necessarily about sex per se and for the record I don't think anyone should ever have to have sex if they don't want it.

But I think the whole nature of a LTR is compromise, which is why they don't work for a lot of people beyond a certain point.

There's a limit to how compatible two people can ever be really, some people manage to rub along together fairly well, in the name of keeping the family together etc. A high degree of underlying compatibility, mutual respect and the ability to compromise help, plus an underlying driver such as shared children. But I think for most people it's only really children that keep a relationship running for decades on end. I don't honestly think it's really natural or normal for any two people to remain yoked together and sexually faithful for decades on end.

If you can't imagine yourself ever wanting sex with your husband again that's completely your right but it doesn't really speak very highly of the relationship. He's also well within his rights to feel he wants a partner he can have a mutually fulfilling sex life with. Neither of you is wrong, you're just not compatible.

If you can't square this circle (and no one could blame you for not being able to) are you not better just respectfully calling it quits?

You do realise that in most of these cases the person who wants more sex doesn’t actually realise the other person isn’t up for it? People can be very good at putting on a show that they want it when they know it matters to the other person. It’s not like you’re lying there totally upset or looking bored and your other half is having the time of their lives ignoring the fact you’re clearly not into it. It’s much more complex than that. Long term relationships are really complex. Dh and I have been through so much together, disabilities in our children and each other, losing parents, losing nearly everything financially, long term health issues etc. I don’t want to lose my relationship over the fact I don’t want sex as much as he does. There’s far more to our relationship than that.

Any frequency of anything is too much when it’s something you don’t want to do 🤷🏻‍♀️never mind when it’s to do with someone being….well… in you
Maybe try discussion with GP
How do you feel if you imagine separating and remaining friendly?

How about when it's the other way round, @IaskUanswer? Am I supposed to break up an otherwise great relationship with the father of my children just because he doesn't want as much sex as I do? Neither of us would benefit from that, so we both make compromises. One of those is that he has more sex than he would choose to have.

I do not understand most of these comments.
How is anyone supposed to have sex they don’t want? You do know what that is called, right?
Just so sad to read women are still pressured to have sex they don’t want, we really haven’t move on at all, have we.

And celebrating a birthday is not the same as having ’sex’ rape you don’t want to ffs, not when it’s such a invasive procedure.

These comments are really heartbreaking. No one who cares for anyone would have ’sex’ with someone who doesn’t want it. Not a good perso at least.
Maybe people should just stick to random fuck buddies, if that’s all they care about.

And that's the MN bingo card complete! Surprised it took until page 3...

Other way round with me. I would like it every day but DP would really prefer a cup of tea. However, we have settled into a 'twice a week' kind of routine, and I try not to get grumpy about it not being more often. Btw, a wank is fine, but it's not the same as feeling desired and desirable.

We are in our 50s, and menopause didn't affect my libido. In fact, it increased it because I finally don't have to worry about becoming pregnant, which was always a worry when I was younger as it always happened very quickly. He presumably goes along with it because he enjoys it well enough once we've started, and because he knows I want it. Though there are things I do (not sex-related) which I am not fussed about but I do them because they matter to him.

It's all part of a long relationship.

Have you tried testosterone? For me it works and all are happy

I really wish I had the answer to your problem but unfortunately I felt repulsed by sex during the menopause and nothing on earth will make me lie down and spread them if I don't want to. It feels repulsive to be made to do something and I don't see why I should take drugs I don't want.
In the end my H left and I'm glad I don't have to have someone pawing me all the time.

sex is not transactional. Just because he does things to make you happy doesn’t mean you should have sex with him. Your reasonings are realistic floored. If you don’t want sex, don’t have sex. He can grow up and stop sulking or have a w@no like most men.
You can try and spin it any way you want but by him sulking and making you feel guilty so you should is abuse. Just because it isn’t forced and because you are married doesn’t change it at all. If a stranger on the street bought you flowers and chocolates and complimented you, you wouldn’t have sex to say thank you would you??

Better with pockets.....i really feel for you. My sex drive just vanished one night. Maybe more intimacy would help with your husband?? Lots of kisses and hugs. So there is no pressure on you x luck 🍀❤️

Pigeonqueen

i totally agree that if anyone male or female was ‘permanently grumpy’ that would not be acceptable if it was being used as a means to get their partner to have sex but if they felt that way because their partner was no longer attracted to them and did not want sex with them anymore I’d be ‘grumpy’ if grumpy means upset and feeling incredibly rejected.
I guess I’d also see it differently in that I see the partner who is ‘just doing it to keep their partner happy’ as the one who is actually a bit controlling and dishonest tbh. I’d hate to think my husband was just having sex with me to keep me happy so I wouldn’t leave. But yeh I don’t know what the solution would be either? Would I want to leave him? I don’t know ….. it’s a strange one as i think if my partner suddenly couldn’t for some reason I’d be fine, it’s the not wanting to bit that would be the killer for me. I guess it’s going to be specific to each couple but I don’t think men should be demonised for wanting to have sex with their wife/partner.